Recovery The 2023 Recovery Thread

[tokayeahok]

Greetings,

After failing pretty much everyday all year at getting clean, (started fucking around again last december, using at work to avoid w/ds by janurary) I thnk I've decided to try and get in a Methadone clinic. Currently I'm on blues (PHX) and do (snort/smoke 80/20) atleast 5 up to 15 a day. Living like total shit compared to when I was clean. Those fuckin blues are like a bioweapon I hate em. Literally the high is non existant, not like when people say "benzos dont even get you high," these only make you fall sleep or nod and not in a good way. I used to be addicted to pharma fent, smoking more than one 100mcg/hr patch a day and shooting them occasionally. The high from those was ass compared to oxy or smack or anything else, and still leagues better than these fuckers. Should be easy to stop then right? fuggggg. I've never done anything that gets you physically dependant after using a couple throughout one day. When I first was using these I would snort literally a 16th at a time LOL. Can't be sick at work and these are really hard to taper from. I really hate to go from something that will keep you sick for a week to methodone which what has wds that last 2 months or something crazy. BUT, I see my life going to shit real bad I'll probably end up losin my job and bein homeless in this Hot ass fuckin desert.

Does anyone have advice for gettin off these shits? I started using drugs at 12, heroin at 16, am 24 now. Probably about two of those years combined I've been sober. Rehab 2x (15 and 18) so I know all the book learning on how to be sober. Never been on methadone but I have been on suboxone for 30 days inpatient then secured only one script for them when I got out so I used tar (successfully) to get through the wds. I was thinking maybe trying to use done for a month then doing a long taper with subs to get clean. With some heavy psych n marijuana use of course.

Thanks for reading please help me to not be such a piece of shit.

honestly man, i’m right there with you. i relapsed back in january/christmas time etc - and was doing the same quantity of fent as you.

i personally just used some gabapentin & kratom for a week to help. i’m on day 9 and have no more symptoms other than when the kratom wears off(i dose every 5 hours), so really only when i’m sleeping is when i struggle. you won’t be able to sleep, you’re going to be in a sweaty, restless position for a week, but just know the wave will break around day 4-5 man. you’re already on the right path.
you’re ready to fix things and get back into life & hobbies & relationships which is incredible. keep going. sending hugs & luv, if you need any advice on some comfort meds just let me know bruv.

peace

 

[kiely]

How much time do you have? I made it thirteen months once after being on 180mgs of methadone and 4-6mgs of Klonopin for about 10yrs. I was definitely still rough and having a difficult time.

So Norco 10mg/325. How i learned CWE from here. BL.

Before:
Years. Around a decade dabbled with Norco scripts and then continuous scripts of Norco 10mg's for years at 121 per month. It was a big chunk of a decade taking 10's whenever I wanted for several years it seems. Or more. I took them for years.

Now: Chronic unpredictable rheumatoid condition and in some people, the condition can damage a wide variety of body systems, including the skin, eyes, lungs, heart and blood vessels as an autoimmune disorder. wth ?! Why !!! . . . . Because ?! I guess. I hope it wasn't from drugs but I tried to be really physically active and ate healthy and that might have helped a lot. Maybe bc I am little and I thought I wasn't real strong but there were signs and I worked harder and harder to stay strong. I quit riding my bike when my wrist felt like it was broke. And had two casts years apart. Waaaambulance time !!!! That is all.

Oh . . .
I have bloodwork every three months to prove i'm not fakin it. My own immunity attacks itself but it can be treated with meds i now am taking for inflammation. I couldn't walk before without it. But now I can go out and kick arse . . . . for a little bit.

And it is important for me to find a treatment plan that works the best. And common symptoms fatigue.

And the opioid withdrawal was terrible, restless leg and no sleep. Ect.

Then xannie withdrawal, even worse, was crazy!!1. Then I got cluster headaches from it and went to the hospital thinking I was dying of torment. Then I said no more ???

I'm trying.

I mean I just wannt to go ride a bike. No wha mean !!! But I'm good . . . and people help !!! They try. They try so much. Thnxxx's !!

i'm too scared of gabapentin @somnilicious . i'm too scared. . . . . well no i dabbled with gabapentin and still hate it. (don't Like)

weed is a medication so i guess it is a gift. and alcohol can be a gas. sorry for talking your ear off.

that is all. just that.

 

[somnilicious]

So Norco 10mg/325. How i learned CWE from here. BL.

Before:
Years. Around a decade dabbled with Norco scripts and then continuous scripts of Norco 10mg's for years at 121 per month. It was a big chunk of a decade taking 10's whenever I wanted for several years it seems. Or more. I took them for years.

Now: Chronic unpredictable rheumatoid condition and in some people, the condition can damage a wide variety of body systems, including the skin, eyes, lungs, heart and blood vessels as an autoimmune disorder. wth ?! Why !!! . . . . Because ?! I guess. I hope it wasn't from drugs but I tried to be really physically active and ate healthy and that might have helped a lot. Maybe bc I am little and I thought I wasn't real strong but there were signs and I worked harder and harder to stay strong. I quit riding my bike when my wrist felt like it was broke. And had two casts years apart. Waaaambulance time !!!! That is all.

Oh . . .
I have bloodwork every three months to prove i'm not fakin it. My own immunity attacks itself but it can be treated with meds i now am taking for inflammation. I couldn't walk before without it. But now I can go out and kick arse . . . . for a little bit.

And it is important for me to find a treatment plan that works the best. And common symptoms fatigue.

And the opioid withdrawal was terrible, restless leg and no sleep. Ect.

Then xannie withdrawal, even worse, was crazy!!1. Then I got cluster headaches from it and went to the hospital thinking I was dying of torment. Then I said no more ???

I'm trying.

I mean I just wannt to go ride a bike. No wha mean !!! But I'm good . . . and people help !!! They try. They try so much. Thnxxx's !!

i'm too scared of gabapentin @somnilicious . i'm too scared. . . . . well no i dabbled with gabapentin and still hate it. (don't Like)

weed is a medication so i guess it is a gift. and alcohol can be a gas. sorry for talking your ear off.

that is all. just that.

Oh God yes... Benzo withdrawal sucks and with opioids it becomes another layer of hell. I actually took some gabapenton last night and today. I'll probably rap it up tonight.

For fatigue I'm going to microdose LSD and Mescaline. I love psychedelics and a micro dose just puts me in a good mood with energy it's not everybody's cup of tea but I see it as a useful tool.

My brother had autoimmune disease that attacked his hips he had to have 2 hip replacements.

Glad you're here and I hope you're feeling better. I can't remember how much clean time you have.

 

[kiely]

My brother had autoimmune disease that attacked his hips he had to have 2 hip replacements.

Glad you're here and I hope you're feeling better. I can't remember how much clean time you have.

Oh my Gawwd your brother !!! No. Well at least he has the kindness of your heart and you are there to help him smile.

~~~~~

So I'm not sure how long I have been clean. I never thought I was dirty. lol. I was goin kewl though every six to eight or twelve hours (norco) for many years.

I'm not sure how to answer this. Oh yes, I knew I was going to have to quit in 2019 JANuary !!! And thought it would be easy. But no it wasn't linear . . . . this that and more.

So I tapered quit weened quit and just had to taper since I tried. Just tapered until I took very low doses. I think I stopped using (my love Norco) a year ago.

But then last April I took two or three within . . .say a long weekend because I remember asking on here (BL) if another dosage of something would effect it or if i would die or something. I took it and it was fine.

~~~~~~

I don't got none nomore and nothin I don't have any to do. But the issue is what is paws or do i even have it anymore. I would say a great big No because of the gabapentin. So I mean . . . if it is paws that makes me feel bad I doubt it but then or uh because it could be ?? So I get blood work at the end of this month. I can tell it's going to be baseline because I'm not dying as bad anymore. The inflammation is gone I just have residual stiffening pain. chronic !? or something. I want to get rid of it. I have a brace for my wrists if it gets bad but I haven't had to wear one for about a year also.

I will ask the doctor in three months at my appointment. Oh sh!#

~~~~~~~

tldr: I don't know its' so confusing. Tell your brother hi and that he has a kewl brother.

and I haven't used in one whole year except for about two times over a weekend or camping or a vacation.

So maybe not quite a year but close to getting that year in for sure. Wow, it wasn't easy.

Thanxxx.

Oh my gawd i will just babble all day. Keep going stay strong and have as many wonderful times as possible and Ds tooo !!

 

[kiely]

I thought I could just quit but had to go back to a taper and keep trying again and again . . . . and then I quit for a whole year but had to use xanax to get through it then went back to tapering just tapering Norco for another year after I quit for a year. . So now I have quit twice for a year.

edit: so I'm good but not really. but i'm happy so f' it. But not that good. So i will say I'm good.

Because I am trying. I try !!!!

And that is good. don'tgiv up.

 

[somnilicious]

Oh my Gawwd your brother !!! No. Well at least he has the kindness of your heart and you are there to help him smile.

~~~~~

So I'm not sure how long I have been clean. I never thought I was dirty. lol. I was goin kewl though every six to eight or twelve hours (norco) for many years.

I'm not sure how to answer this. Oh yes, I knew I was going to have to quit in 2019 JANuary !!! And thought it would be easy. But no it wasn't linear . . . . this that and more.

So I tapered quit weened quit and just had to taper since I tried. Just tapered until I took very low doses. I think I stopped using (my love Norco) a year ago.

But then last April I took two or three within . . .say a long weekend because I remember asking on here (BL) if another dosage of something would effect it or if i would die or something. I took it and it was fine.

~~~~~~

I don't got none nomore and nothin I don't have any to do. But the issue is what is paws or do i even have it anymore. I would say a great big No because of the gabapentin. So I mean . . . if it is paws that makes me feel bad I doubt it but then or uh because it could be ?? So I get blood work at the end of this month. I can tell it's going to be baseline because I'm not dying as bad anymore. The inflammation is gone I just have residual stiffening pain. chronic !? or something. I want to get rid of it. I have a brace for my wrists if it gets bad but I haven't had to wear one for about a year also.

I will ask the doctor in three months at my appointment. Oh sh!#

~~~~~~~

tldr: I don't know its' so confusing. Tell your brother hi and that he has a kewl brother.

and I haven't used in one whole year except for about two times over a weekend or camping or a vacation.

So maybe not quite a year but close to getting that year in for sure. Wow, it wasn't easy.

Thanxxx.

Oh my gawd i will just babble all day. Keep going stay strong and have as many wonderful times as possible and Ds tooo !!

Benzo and long term opioid use can effect you for a long time. I had 13mths once and I still felt messed up in the head. We're gonna be alright. I like your outlook on your prior dependence. I still smoke pot. I drink every now and then but it's getting further and further in-between drunks. Starting to smile and enjoy things naturally. Thanks for being here to help me on my journey

 

[kiely]

Benzo and long term opioid use can effect you for a long time. I had 13mths once and I still felt messed up in the head. We're gonna be alright. I like your outlook on your prior dependence. I still smoke pot. I drink every now and then but it's getting further and further in-between drunks. Starting to smile and enjoy things naturally. Thanks for being here to help me on my journey

Oh that's awesome !!!! And you're doing great as well !!!!! Now stay there. Or don't do it again.

But we do have to do this. Everybody.

YOLO.

 

[endlessnameless]

I thought I could just quit but had to go back to a taper and keep trying again and again . . . . and then I quit for a whole year but had to use xanax to get through it then went back to tapering just tapering Norco for another year after I quit for a year. . So now I have quit twice for a year.

edit: so I'm good but not really. but i'm happy so f' it. But not that good. So i will say I'm good.

Because I am trying. I try !!!!

And that is good. don'tgiv up.

Its notoriously difficult to just stop cold-turkey - you're launching your body and brain into shock and its honestly not wise nor is it necessary.
I say continue with tapering until you're down to such a low amount that you can stop and you'll have a much better chance at being able to quit without continously relapsing, trying to quitt cold turkey, relapsing again ad infinitum and driving yourself insane in the process.

And indeed, whatever you do - dont give up and keep trying and I promise you'll get there sooner rather than later. All you have to do is keep trying your best and not giving up your efforts to get sober and you WILL get there.

 

[tokayeahok]

Its notoriously difficult to just stop cold-turkey - you're launching your body and brain into shock and its honestly not wise nor is it necessary.
I say continue with tapering until you're down to such a low amount that you can stop and you'll have a much better chance at being able to quit without continously relapsing, trying to quitt cold turkey, relapsing again ad infinitum and driving yourself insane in the process.

And indeed, whatever you do - dont give up and keep trying and I promise you'll get there sooner rather than later. All you have to do is keep trying your best and not giving up your efforts to get sober and you WILL get there.

this this this! also man, every time you relapse and try to recover, surely you end up adding more tools to your toolbox each single time, so eventually you’ll have enough tools in your toolbox to figure it out & beat it. that’s the way i see things though. big ups and big hugs

 

[kiely]

Its notoriously difficult to just stop cold-turkey - you're launching your body and brain into shock and its honestly not wise nor is it necessary.

so true !!!!

 

[tokayeahok]

have staggered some ‘morontin’ (gabapentin) and am feeling a lot better, as it’s approaching 10 days clean. i think i’ll be able to sleep tonight, with the help from some melatonin and benadryl. perhaps? i’ll try out some of my red strain bali kratom as well maybe. this was a really hard detox, and i believe it’s due to be abusing xanax the first two days to try to ‘sleep’ through it all. i don’t use benzos like i used to but i’ve got quite a bit of kindling and ended up eating 18 2mg tablets of alpraz in early detox and i think due to the kindling from when i was addicted to benzos a few years ago, made it worse on top of the fent wd.


just feeling nice & floaty from the gabapentin and blessed for the respite & relief that’s temporary. i hate going to ‘sleep’ since it’s been so shit the last week and a half, but i’m going to try try try.

just wanted to check in since i hit 10 days in 15 minutes.

i love all of you guys, and the bluelight community and just wanted to put that out there that this forum & site has saved my life, ever since i joined as a young teenager.

love, joon

xo

 

[Whitey69]

honestly man, i’m right there with you. i relapsed back in january/christmas time etc - and was doing the same quantity of fent as you.

i personally just used some gabapentin & kratom for a week to help. i’m on day 9 and have no more symptoms other than when the kratom wears off(i dose every 5 hours), so really only when i’m sleeping is when i struggle. you won’t be able to sleep, you’re going to be in a sweaty, restless position for a week, but just know the wave will break around day 4-5 man. you’re already on the right path.
you’re ready to fix things and get back into life & hobbies & relationships which is incredible. keep going. sending hugs & luv, if you need any advice on some comfort meds just let me know bruv.

peace

Thanks for the love bb. It's insane because I know how fast fent wds go and am still using. (disregarding any protoindonitazene thats probably in there not to mention 4-FMFfenty plus prolly more weaponized/uselesslazyfuckshit. thats in there. Mostly feels like fent sick but in the beginning i did notice some subtle differences especially in how long it takes to become dependant.) Historically I've pretty much always been a plug with lots of benzos and also ice or rits or shit like that so it made it pretty chillin with my pretty small tar habit. Also familiar with lope (Thanks .ru bl) What Im gettin at is I dont really got shit no more I do have some maeng da kratom which i took before (12-15 caps in like 3 doses) and it seemed to be in the same realm as lope. (20-30mg) Ice may as well be off the table for me without benzos. Basically I think I need some shit to tackle this especially because I got to go to work and I cant be dopesick there lol. Fully have a double life currently so that does make it more complicated I even need to seem legit to my roommate. FML. How did I blunder to where I'm older and have a more serious job than ever but also less money and the drugs are piss poor. Got any advice on where I would go back in time and hook myself up with some liquidity and ancient pure black schmack and the drive to maintain a personal pharmacy. just in case...

If you could tell me about any options that I'm not seeing Thatd be sick... I'm not super experienced with gaba and never used it for wds.. I dont know how to conjure scripts anymore and my homie called 911 when I od'd (raw fetty) n FDept pulled up on me so I gave them my license like an intelligent person. Kinda think this will make any pharmacy not give me anything controlled.

sorry for the nosleep bruxist-geetered nonsense ur a real g if you read this n also sorrythx

 

[tokayeahok]

Thanks for the love bb. It's insane because I know how fast fent wds go and am still using. (disregarding any protoindonitazene thats probably in there not to mention 4-FMFfenty plus prolly more weaponized/uselesslazyfuckshit. thats in there. Mostly feels like fent sick but in the beginning i did notice some subtle differences especially in how long it takes to become dependant.) Historically I've pretty much always been a plug with lots of benzos and also ice or rits or shit like that so it made it pretty chillin with my pretty small tar habit. Also familiar with lope (Thanks .ru bl) What Im gettin at is I dont really got shit no more I do have some maeng da kratom which i took before (12-15 caps in like 3 doses) and it seemed to be in the same realm as lope. (20-30mg) Ice may as well be off the table for me without benzos. Basically I think I need some shit to tackle this especially because I got to go to work and I cant be dopesick there lol. Fully have a double life currently so that does make it more complicated I even need to seem legit to my roommate. FML. How did I blunder to where I'm older and have a more serious job than ever but also less money and the drugs are piss poor. Got any advice on where I would go back in time and hook myself up with some liquidity and ancient pure black schmack and the drive to maintain a personal pharmacy. just in case...

If you could tell me about any options that I'm not seeing Thatd be sick... I'm not super experienced with gaba and never used it for wds.. I dont know how to conjure scripts anymore and my homie called 911 when I od'd (raw fetty) n FDept pulled up on me so I gave them my license like an intelligent person. Kinda think this will make any pharmacy not give me anything controlled.

sorry for the nosleep bruxist-geetered nonsense ur a real g if you read this n also sorrythx

nah man fully relatable aha. the no-sleep bluelight posts are what makes this community honestly. bunch of smack heads up at wicked hours chatting shit.

 

[tokayeahok]

Thanks for the love bb. It's insane because I know how fast fent wds go and am still using. (disregarding any protoindonitazene thats probably in there not to mention 4-FMFfenty plus prolly more weaponized/uselesslazyfuckshit. thats in there. Mostly feels like fent sick but in the beginning i did notice some subtle differences especially in how long it takes to become dependant.) Historically I've pretty much always been a plug with lots of benzos and also ice or rits or shit like that so it made it pretty chillin with my pretty small tar habit. Also familiar with lope (Thanks .ru bl) What Im gettin at is I dont really got shit no more I do have some maeng da kratom which i took before (12-15 caps in like 3 doses) and it seemed to be in the same realm as lope. (20-30mg) Ice may as well be off the table for me without benzos. Basically I think I need some shit to tackle this especially because I got to go to work and I cant be dopesick there lol. Fully have a double life currently so that does make it more complicated I even need to seem legit to my roommate. FML. How did I blunder to where I'm older and have a more serious job than ever but also less money and the drugs are piss poor. Got any advice on where I would go back in time and hook myself up with some liquidity and ancient pure black schmack and the drive to maintain a personal pharmacy. just in case...

If you could tell me about any options that I'm not seeing Thatd be sick... I'm not super experienced with gaba and never used it for wds.. I dont know how to conjure scripts anymore and my homie called 911 when I od'd (raw fetty) n FDept pulled up on me so I gave them my license like an intelligent person. Kinda think this will make any pharmacy not give me anything controlled.

sorry for the nosleep bruxist-geetered nonsense ur a real g if you read this n also sorrythx

also you can still be prescribed narcotics if you’ve overdosed, if your doctor doesn’t know. they aren’t synonymous. now if you’ve been to a hospital, they won’t administer any narcotics in an hospital setting.

last night my body gave out from the morontin, and i slept 7 hours i feel amazing. i needed that so much and finally feel normal.

 

[somnilicious]

also you can still be prescribed narcotics if you’ve overdosed, if your doctor doesn’t know. they aren’t synonymous. now if you’ve been to a hospital, they won’t administer any narcotics in an hospital setting.

last night my body gave out from the morontin, and i slept 7 hours i feel amazing. i needed that so much and finally feel normal.

I took a bunch of gabapentin yesterday as well. Then as soon as I drank a valerian and chamomile tea I was out like a light. I only slept 5hrs but it felt good and I was having some wild dreams.

 

[kiely]

Omg now I have been fighting a headache since yesterday. Great. Now I am sure it's an underlying. The only other thing is that the weather has been really hot. Or it could be light. It might be something isn't right though. Oh well. It could be worse. I could be ####. Sorry just trying to have a sense of humor this morning. I can hear birds !! Well it's not that bad yet. And I slept. I know I did. No dreams. Thank you jeezuz. Just kidding. lol. They used to be ultra awesome but I can't complain that sleep isn't nice. I rested kind of well and I was tired too. Maybe the heat though.

 

[kiely]

I keep having mini deja vu's now. I am being serious because I really am and all worried that it is from the headache.
Or maybe just the delayed reaction with the headache. Oh no. Now all I can handle is water. No food. It's just being a slow delayed reaction.
I guess I will have some tea with caffeine and lemon. If that won't help I am sure nothing will. lools.

 

[endlessnameless]

have staggered some ‘morontin’ (gabapentin) and am feeling a lot better, as it’s approaching 10 days clean. i think i’ll be able to sleep tonight, with the help from some melatonin and benadryl. perhaps? i’ll try out some of my red strain bali kratom as well maybe. this was a really hard detox, and i believe it’s due to be abusing xanax the first two days to try to ‘sleep’ through it all. i don’t use benzos like i used to but i’ve got quite a bit of kindling and ended up eating 18 2mg tablets of alpraz in early detox and i think due to the kindling from when i was addicted to benzos a few years ago, made it worse on top of the fent wd.


just feeling nice & floaty from the gabapentin and blessed for the respite & relief that’s temporary. i hate going to ‘sleep’ since it’s been so shit the last week and a half, but i’m going to try try try.

just wanted to check in since i hit 10 days in 15 minutes.

i love all of you guys, and the bluelight community and just wanted to put that out there that this forum & site has saved my life, ever since i joined as a young teenager.

love, joon

xo

Do you find the red-strain Bali to be the best? I'm looking for whatever the best is for relief during opioid withdrawal and so far I've heard it's red-vein. Should I go for the extract? I'd imagaine that would be stronger so that was why I was considering it.

EDIT: It was actually this one that was recommended to me: https://www.nectarleaf.eu/product/maeng-da-powdered-leaf/

 

[kiely]

I always tried the red-strain Bali too. However it was too stimulating and got me all jittery.

But it works on me whatever it is doing mostly an awake and more of an alertness type of erb to me.

I really do not see anything wrong with it. Except that it is a little bit too strong for me.

EDIT: red-strain Bali does not help me from being cut off from opioids. However I am hypersensitive. To everything. Else.

 

[somnilicious]

Feeling blah.... I ran out of pot and I don't have anymore gabapentin(which is a good thing). I got my hopes up that a package would arrive today but it didn't so now I have a long day of absolutely nothing. Gotta admit that I have a problem. I just can't seem to be happy without drugs.

Oh....and today is exactly 3 calendar months off methadone
Woo hoo..... Fuck me.