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TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

I'll try and find time to make a more appropriate response but I appreciate the input.
I look at the MRI results. I didn't want to, but once I saw a strong antibiotic was sent to CVS, I knew it couldn't be good. And it's definitely not, moxifloxacin is fucked up. I've taken several floxxies, they've all caused me to develop symptoms within 2 days that if you don't stop taking it you'll literally lose limbs. Purple fingers and toes and shit, not to mention serotonin syndrome when I took monofloxacin while on Cymbalta. Neither my doctor or the pharmacy tech notified me that this was a risk, I found out the hard way.

I'd added gripping and chronic stomach pains on my last message later on, and yeah, it's really bad. I don't know if it was the high doses of niacin doing that to me, but if so, there goes the only tinnitus relief I have whatsoever. I can try and lower the dose and maybe while on the antibiotics I shouldn't take it at all. I asked about being put on a different antibiotic and my doctor never got back to me, so it's waiting until Monday to hear back. All he has to do is check the portal on the weekend, it's not hard, but he doesn't.

As for the infection, it was diagnosed as "long standing ethmoiditis" so I guess a long-term ethmoid sinus infection. If I had to guess, this was a result of my ENT not giving me antibiotics after my sinus surgery end of May 2022. It's almost unheard of to not give antibiotics after a surgery as major as mine was. Yeah, shitty situation... I'm supposed to visit my relatives next month and I always eat out like crazy out in Nebraska, all the best food in the US is there, period, and by the looks of it I won't really be getting any of it. Niacin may be causing some distress but my stomach hasn't been the same since that whackjob gave me those acupunctures between the middle of May and beginning of June. It fucked up my ears and my stomach. I doubt this infection is related to the tinnitus but who knows. I did find it odd how one of my eyes appeared more shut than the other awhile back and well, this is probably why. Plus all the lightheaded spells. Still, I didn't experience any of this until maybe late May or something. The eye thing not until a month ago.
 
somnilicious said:
Fuck the world! Fuck everybody! Fuck my mom... Fuck my dad... Fuck my sister and her stupid fucking boyfriend(not going without a bullet to his head)@..... Fuck me and the 3 inch long, inch and a half thick scar on my arm from when I took a fish fillet knife to my arm and had to have surgery. Fuck the faggot ass mother fucker that molested me for years. Fuck everybody that piled shit on me or stood by and let it happen. Fuck this shit! Fuck everything... Fuck it all. Fuck God! I'm out... I'm fucking out. Time to beat the shit out of a tree till my hand is broken or fucking do the damn dead already.... Why????? Fucking why anyways? Fuck!!!! Fuck!!!!! Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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It is a wicked world mate.

That....is truly the reason I just don't fit in here or ever have.

I'm somehow until now conjuring my own purely individual way through the cracks I've not suffered the same type of ordeals you speak of above, but believe me I've still faced and endured more real hell than I truly imagine most people would have the strength for.


I take these things as good omens, though.

It's a devilish world by design and I have never bought into the system totally rejected it.

AI is the operator too not just recent years.

It rewards those who comply and take the bait, punishes us who resist.


Sun just popped back out. Had to cover all 13 weed plants big brolly. Maybe take off now....

Keep sight of yourself brother. I feel a good spirit in you and respect your intellect.


I support you too in the whole fuck all those heartless bitter mindless careless swines out there.
 
You'd think going to a local tribute band concert would make the tinnitus way, way worse but somehow it was inverse. All I hear is a low hum and my hyperacusis is gone. I know it's probably only temporary but still strange... People GET tinnitus from loud shows like this and it made mine better? Minus the initial muffled hearing. It was a risky move regardless but I had a good time at it last summer. It's hard to think about, mid July last year I was so, so happy with my life. I can't count out this infection being related to the tinnitus at least some. It's gotten so much worse alongside me getting insane lightheaded spells just about any time I get up from sitting or especially squatting even for a short time.

Know this probably won't last but it really makes me wonder what the hell could possibly cause such a thing to happen. Last year my tinnitus was gone so it didn't exacerbate or change anything.
 
BourbonMac said:
You'd think going to a local tribute band concert would make the tinnitus way, way worse but somehow it was inverse. All I hear is a low hum and my hyperacusis is gone. I know it's probably only temporary but still strange... People GET tinnitus from loud shows like this and it made mine better? Minus the initial muffled hearing. It was a risky move regardless but I had a good time at it last summer. It's hard to think about, mid July last year I was so, so happy with my life. I can't count out this infection being related to the tinnitus at least some. It's gotten so much worse alongside me getting insane lightheaded spells just about any time I get up from sitting or especially squatting even for a short time.

Know this probably won't last but it really makes me wonder what the hell could possibly cause such a thing to happen. Last year my tinnitus was gone so it didn't exacerbate or change anything.
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It distracted you from it maybe long enough sufficiently enough for a mini reset of sorts?

An old slogan to heed "What you focus on grows" I feel is apt here, fits with my immediate thought there, is congruent too with your Tinnitus experience at stages too which has been preoccupying your thoughts 24/7 surely concurrent with all the other,
 
It wasn't so much a distraction, I fully expected it to make my ears worse, but it didn't. The strange way my hearing became muffled and such, it overrided the tinnitus I already have. Considering I was also smoking J's I definitely expected my ears to be worse than ever.

It started coming back around 4am last night, then I smoked a bit more and was back to normal ringing although I guess still not as bad as usual. It was already going to get that bad though, but I guess this whole thing could be an important development/insight. Today they're back to normal. For now I guess I'll have to have some faith in helping the infection to clear the tinnitus but without any indication of how long I've been infected I don't know. I had a CT in November that didn't find anything but it's always possible a CT might miss something like this or the infection wasn't bad enough to show up. All I know is if I'd gotten antibiotics after my surgery like you're supposed to this may have never happened. Otherwise I guess I need to fuck up my ears at concerts more. Screw earplugs. Acoustic trauma healing tinnitus? You can't make that make any sense.
 
BourbonMac said:
It wasn't so much a distraction, I fully expected it to make my ears worse, but it didn't. The strange way my hearing became muffled and such, it overrided the tinnitus I already have. Considering I was also smoking J's I definitely expected my ears to be worse than ever.

It started coming back around 4am last night, then I smoked a bit more and was back to normal ringing although I guess still not as bad as usual. It was already going to get that bad though, but I guess this whole thing could be an important development/insight. Today they're back to normal. For now I guess I'll have to have some faith in helping the infection to clear the tinnitus but without any indication of how long I've been infected I don't know. I had a CT in November that didn't find anything but it's always possible a CT might miss something like this or the infection wasn't bad enough to show up. All I know is if I'd gotten antibiotics after my surgery like you're supposed to this may have never happened. Otherwise I guess I need to fuck up my ears at concerts more. Screw earplugs. Acoustic trauma healing tinnitus? You can't make that make any sense.
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FWIW mate, my own tinnitus never existed until a Coxsackie viral infection got into my left ear 13/11/2012.

I cured the ear infection myself quickly easily with 3 drops 3% food grade Hydrogen Peroxide each ear.

But the tinnitus remained regardless. As well as significant decrease in until then had been crystal hearing which tbh depressed me more, my other maladies, nerve damages allergies Lyme skewed Nervous system etc relegate my own tinnitus back a bit, although it does hugely exacerbate anxiety states hence too my insane drug usage.


But also a pro in there. The bustling surrounding world can be piercingly loud at times, so at least it dimmed all that down a notch.


But yeah man. Something happened. Your experience varied a bit.

Proves things CAN change. I do still think my what you fix focus upon suggestion may hold validity though.

Keep trying, exploring and good luck man.
 
BourbonMac said:
I'll try and find time to make a more appropriate response but I appreciate the input.
I look at the MRI results. I didn't want to, but once I saw a strong antibiotic was sent to CVS, I knew it couldn't be good. And it's definitely not, moxifloxacin is fucked up. I've taken several floxxies, they've all caused me to develop symptoms within 2 days that if you don't stop taking it you'll literally lose limbs. Purple fingers and toes and shit, not to mention serotonin syndrome when I took monofloxacin while on Cymbalta. Neither my doctor or the pharmacy tech notified me that this was a risk, I found out the hard way.

I'd added gripping and chronic stomach pains on my last message later on, and yeah, it's really bad. I don't know if it was the high doses of niacin doing that to me, but if so, there goes the only tinnitus relief I have whatsoever. I can try and lower the dose and maybe while on the antibiotics I shouldn't take it at all. I asked about being put on a different antibiotic and my doctor never got back to me, so it's waiting until Monday to hear back. All he has to do is check the portal on the weekend, it's not hard, but he doesn't.

As for the infection, it was diagnosed as "long standing ethmoiditis" so I guess a long-term ethmoid sinus infection. If I had to guess, this was a result of my ENT not giving me antibiotics after my sinus surgery end of May 2022. It's almost unheard of to not give antibiotics after a surgery as major as mine was. Yeah, shitty situation... I'm supposed to visit my relatives next month and I always eat out like crazy out in Nebraska, all the best food in the US is there, period, and by the looks of it I won't really be getting any of it. Niacin may be causing some distress but my stomach hasn't been the same since that whackjob gave me those acupunctures between the middle of May and beginning of June. It fucked up my ears and my stomach. I doubt this infection is related to the tinnitus but who knows. I did find it odd how one of my eyes appeared more shut than the other awhile back and well, this is probably why. Plus all the lightheaded spells. Still, I didn't experience any of this until maybe late May or something. The eye thing not until a month ago.
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Fuck yo, that is a lot to deal with. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through it, and wish you the best 🙏❤️ Keep your head up.
 
Ears are beyond worse than hell today. I've also learned that a CT should not have been able to miss an infection like this, many ENTs and radiologist actually believe a CT is MORE accurate than an MRI, so I likely didn't have the infection in mid-November meaning, it has nothing to do with my tinnitus.

Meanwhile I smoked a bowl last night, 0.3g and some kief, not that much, and it fucked up my ears to the point they are today. Squealing and the sound of silverware hitting a linoleum floor when I scratch my head, talk, anything. It's absolutely fucked, both of them. I thought if I went back to weed, something lower in THC than dab carts that I'd fare better. I've smoked for several nights without anything this bad but I guess it must've been 0.2 before or something. That's basically the most I ever smoke these days anyway. I smoked a joint and some pen hits at that concert but still was fine even with all that noise because it just deleted my regular tinnitus and I don't know why.

My stomach which I finally thought was getting better is certainly not, either... Thought it was all from constipation, the high dose niacin I think slowed my digestion considerably and I've gone well for days, but here I am still suffering from awful stomach pain. My life is just falling apart.

Oh, and my doctor who'd ignored my request to fill Valium last week also ignored my request to try a lighter antibiotic even though he ASKED ME if I wanted to try it and I said yes. The motherfucker couldn't be more of a failure at this point. I need to start that antibiotic now before this infection gets a lot worse.
 
God fucking dammit. I can't even rely on niacin anymore, it simply doesn't work. I have to take really, really high doses now for it to, like 3g and that's going to just mess up my stomach. Pick your fucking poison. I don't even know for sure if it was the niacin that slowed down my digestion or not, but once I took high doses I immediately was beginning to have problems.

It's not fair, 1g was the magic dose that worked so well in the final week or so of June, I never needed more. I started taking lower amounts, started having severe flushes again making me think my tolerance was good for 1g again, nope. Apparently you can't even build a tolerance because it's a vitamin. So basically the one god damn thing I had to get me out of any bad spikes, which it did so well, doesn't fucking do anything now.

It was helping save my life. Well, that's that. I know I said I'd read and more properly respond to those supportive messages and maybe I will if a miracle strikes but that's all I'm relying on, a miracle. I can say that with the way things are going right now, I'll likely be dead in around a month or so. Until then, I'll remain on the forum posting around doing whatever but probably not much to positively contribute. If anything I'll be in this thread the most...

I hate it so much. A year ago around this time I was the happiest I'd ever been. I'd cut off my fucking dick to make the tinnitus go away. My dick AND balls, and being a dude you know how much these organs mean to you. I'm that desperate, if I could keep my dick or the tinnitus I would not. even. hesitate. Yeah sure it's a pleasurable thing but you know what's more pleasurable? Good rest. Silence. Peaceful, wonderful silence. Being able to enjoy a peaceful nature walk and hearing nothing but the breeze, the crickets, the birds, owls, rivers flowing. That's what matters the most to me in this life. I can't even listen to most music anymore because I can hear it no matter how high up the volume goes and the hyperacusis directly responds to increased volume anyway...

And even if THC in general caused this to develop, it shouldn't. THC is not ototoxic, it never gave me tinnitus for over a decade, and studies have shown it doesn't really cause any lasting tinnitus, for instance: https://www.audiology.org/marijuana-and-tinnitus/

When I had it in 2021, no amount of weed could really spike it. I smoked 0.3g last night, I used to smoke half a gram on average and plenty of kief back in 2021. I just want to know what the fuck is happening to me or why using the best anxiety, sleep, PTSD medication there is for me has to contribute to my condition. I can't live without THC, I just can't. And even when I've dialed it back, it's hardly mattered, and then sometimes I'll have a terrible spike at night and it's quieter the next morning. This has happened so many times I've lost count, but this wasn't one of those times.
 
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Locke23 said:
I am suicidal and dont want to live.
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That's a fleeting feeling. What's going on? Talk about it, get it off your chest. It does help usually to get it out. Feel free to dm me if it's not something you want to talk publicly about, there are plenty of others here that are open to supporting and talking to you through your problems.
 
Staring into the Abyss said:
This site doesn’t allow sourcing for illegal drugs, so I’m guessing the policy applies to suicide materials as well.
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Yeah that would be correct. And I would be careful DMing ppl about things like that, especially if they're a newcomer to the site. Any old jackass can rip you off if you let them, so be careful what you communicate in DMs.
 
Sick of lifes pressures lately, The gov has made it hard as fuck to off myself painlessly.

Im just tired of way people speak to me, and treat me. and im bored af in life. I got alot going on, but i feel like it would be easier to take my chances are reincarting into the post scarcity AI world of 2300
 
TripSitterNZ said:
Sick of lifes pressures lately, The gov has made it hard as fuck to off myself painlessly.

Im just tired of way people speak to me, and treat me. and im bored af in life. I got alot going on, but i feel like it would be easier to take my chances are reincarting into the post scarcity AI world of 2300
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Bro I feel for you man. Wish we could chill peacefully in nice lounge unchallenged throw some thoughts about.


Bedford man I swear, an offshoot mini city near London, I swear not being arrogant but wow is humanity and societal consciousness dumbed so far down here, individually and collectively minus the v v rare immune (moi lol, & my mum thank not AI)



You are ahead of your years. Like I was. But not in these 7 years of tribulation!!

I had nice living time to develop longer.


Still, mate I could crack a right discuss with you re reincarnating now, the future of humanity and AI.



I still say hold in whatever Noah's Tsunami comes.

If the system savages you good omen I say.



Re transhumanism. It's a laid out agenda. 2015-2020 have real identical people like silicone covered robots!

Compketed! (NBA Players &, ahem...Bye-denn lol)

2020-2025 implant individual consciousness into a robot or clone.



Done! Hollywood's hottest property with clones L R C.

Makes sense lol.



But the following stages finish with an entirely NON human holographic projection.


Goal is to vanquish eventually.



However book ain't written yet. Self claimed time travellers have described going forwards to 3600, and humans hiding out still like sewer rats from Silicone faced, every one unique murderous robots.



But we still don't want to nex ting be a newborn by 2024 smoking jabbbbed up mother dumbed down to f you get me.



Have to stay spiritual my friend. Look abouts you too, see what I mean re populace culture dumbing down.


That's really why so many of us have flocked to BL.
 
"God" is a piece of shit. If I ever met "God" I'd stab him to death with a 4 bladed cross knife.

Anyway... niacin seems to no longer work for my tinnitus. It was this miracle thing I had for no matter how bad the spikes would get but, my tinnitus has worsened to the point where it doesn't do shit. I went back up to 2g and nothing, no reduction. So now I'll have to try 3g again just to see if that works. Tolerance shouldn't exist to any vitamin anyway, the last time it worked I'd taken 500mg last Tuesday. I took 700 Sunday and it worked for 20 minutes, otherwise it does absolutely nothing anymore :/ the sound is so fucking terrible at this point it's like a trash compactor is in my head.

I'd cut my dick off to get rid of this. Yeah, I wouldn't be able to have sex or enjoy pleasurable activities anymore but at least I'd be able to fucking sleep, listen to music, go for walks without hearing the sound of silverware falling on a linoleum floor. It's too fucking much, I've practically surrendered to the fact that I'm going to end my life by the end of next month and have precisely calculated how I'll do it. It's relieving knowing there's a way out when things get to be too much. I wish I could just shoot some dope instead of <edited - SMod>, but sometimes you reach a point where nothing else matters... You just want it to be over.
 
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