I've not slept in probably about 40 hours, and have arranged to meet a dude in approximately 12 hours for some business discussion thing that could be a good opportunity for me. Thing is I know it's informal, he'd already very much like my help, and I am in a somewhat powerful position as far as he's not managing things too well himself and I'm probably gonna be the most experienced person he's gonna find anytime soon so maybe I've been somewhat lacksadaisical... on the other hand.... I don't have a real job at the moment so there's that... ah, what am I doing going down this rabbit hole of how important it is anyway, it really doesn't matter, I made plans probably close to the beginning of slacking a bit on my self control and having a bit more motivation for once, and now there's a risk I'm gonna be a bit zombified tomorrow. I just took another 100mg of this stuff that claims to be speed 10 minutes ago and will try to make this the last one before going to bed, or just lying there for 8 hours in self-loathing maybe - but man, this speed is some shit, lazily washed bullshit I've ever had probably. First time I got it it actually BURNED my tongue, not just a little residual chemical burn, like fucking hot needles! Since drying it out, it's got a bit better as far as the burn but even like 2, 3 days later its pretty damn wet. I think I started with like 7g... I now have 4.5... So I've "only" actually done 2.5g over maybe 3 days, and half of that is probably toxic liquids... so... I mean, it's still like 400mg a day perhaps which is a bit excessive for sure but somewhat reassuring.
I've also been doing the odd handful of kratom, after "upgrading" from deciding to get some tianeptine again, out of frustration from my doctor prescribed meds doing sweet fuck all. Oh, also valium, clonazepam. Had a little polypharmacological escape these past 3 days. But in that time I also exercised regularly for the first time in a while, worked a SHIT TON on various projects which hopefully will mean I don;t need to get a real job, and could literally not concentrate on my usual pastime of TV show catatonia for more than 20 minutes before I'd be like fuckthisI'mboredbacktowork... Bleurgh, I do find it very difficult to assess what exactly I should worry about and what other people have told me I should worry about, and since then I've never been able to shake it.
Oh actually also I remember I thought about getting some other stuff so I wouldn't keep craving ketamine or drinking alcohol more than I'd like... and it does appear to have worked great for that, so... I dunno, fuck it, I guess I'm gonna call this a plan well conceived and executed, thanks for listening y'all.
I am a little bit concerned about having to go out tomorrow although I surely need sleep whether I had anything to do or not... I wish I could just flick a switch to send myself to sleep sometimes.