☮ Social ☮ PD Social Talk Thread: If 2020 Was the Dumpster, Can 2021 Be the Fire?

[Buzz Lightbeer]

They say it's a cultural thing, Belgians generally love talking about the weather, I heard they even teach that to people learning the language(s). It's not the best first impression you can get when moving to a new country, but hey, it could be worse.

Some people cannot stand it, so much so that they'll often even tell you as much. You know it's gotten bad if people will specifically point it out at random if the conversation allows it.
Personally I love it, there's always some funny angle and it sometimes helps with my inner urge to say something in like dead silent situations with people you don't know. Not that I'll always talk about the weather, not at all, but it's literally always there, that's the whole point of weather....

 

[FredF]

There’s probably never been a better or more natural conversation I’ve breaker, that’s for sure.

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

There’s probably never been a better or more natural conversation I’ve breaker, that’s for sure.

Yes exactly, that's what I'm thinking.
But it seems like quite a bit of people don't appreciate it, and will go as far as to eyeroll or something. I don't care much for eyerolls, maybe if I could perform 'em myself more naturally... It's generally something women are very good at.

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

Big plans...?

Never mind big plans, woke up early, hammered my quads, took triple dose Ritalin and did everything I'd been putting off. I can hardly walk though so lots of grunts were involved.
Currently building up the courage to start the last and most stressful thing, it's a serious battle... Really don't know how I ever functioned before amphetamine/methylphenidate.

I know a guy, like 45 years old, a classic undiagnosed ADD case. He told me felt like a fraud in everything he did, for his whole life. My goal is to not feel like a fraud. I think that sums up the ADHD struggle quite well, feeling like you fluke through everything. I just looked this up, and it's actually a real thing hah, imposter syndrome.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

I know a guy, like 45 years old, a classic undiagnosed ADD case. He told me felt like a fraud in everything he did, for his whole life. My goal is to not feel like a fraud. I think that sums up the ADHD struggle quite well, feeling like you fluke through everything. I just looked this up, and it's actually a real thing hah, imposter syndrome.

My wife sorta self-diagnosed herself as ADD (and looking at it, she may be right; but I don't want her to go on amps, I don't think that's her answer) and she most definitely suffers from imposter syndrome... I've never been able to empathize with that, no one ever gives me the trust or authority I believe I can handle so I'm constantly thinking, "I'm too fucking smart for this bullshit, I'm out if they don't recognize that."

I basically have the opposite of imposter syndrome. I always think I'm still below my pay-grade/level of authority. It was this self-entitled assurance that drove me to join the army's O.C.S. program in 2018. Unfortunately, my body is not up to the tasks my mind sets it to, and I was medically discharged after several bad injuries. But to this day I'm upset with myself...

I need to get over this, I can't go back. I just really thought that was gonna be my calling.

 

[Xorkoth]

You can't get too caught up in what-ifs. I like to think that whatever happens is what was supposed to happen. Maybe, like you said, you would have ended up on the ground getting shot or killing people. Or maybe there is some opportunity that will fall into place for you tomorrow that you need to be open for. It's impossible to say, but as long as you remain of the belief that things will fall into place, and make an effort, I think things fall into place.

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

My wife sorta self-diagnosed herself as ADD (and looking at it, she may be right; but I don't want her to go on amps, I don't think that's her answer) and she most definitely suffers from imposter syndrome...

Honestly, she should try and get tested, it could very much change her life.
Unmedicated AD(H)D can be such hell, some people can manage, but you see it catching up to people eventually, persistent depression, anxiety disorders... Well that's my impression from knowing a couple people and observing online interactions.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

Honestly, she should try and get tested, it could very much change her life.
Unmedicated AD(H)D can be such hell, some people can manage, but you see it catching up to people eventually, persistent depression, anxiety disorders... Well that's my impression from knowing a couple people and observing online interactions.

I'd never really thought to ask her if she wanted to seek treatment. Anytime I've asked if she wants counseling for her depression she says no. It's up to her if she wants to do anything about it... if she went on amps I wouldn't be upset with her, I just don't think it'll help because she already has trouble sleeping most nights.

 

[Buzz Lightbeer]

I'd never really thought to ask her if she wanted to seek treatment. Anytime I've asked if she wants counseling for her depression she says no. It's up to her if she wants to do anything about it... if she went on amps I wouldn't be upset with her, I just don't think it'll help because she already has trouble sleeping most nights.

Yeah... gotta tackle the root problem though, imo. But I mean, there's only 25 years of life experience here, and I never really accomplished much so take it all with a grain of salt.

The big methylphenidate dose is finally wearing off, eventually managed to start doing what I couldn't and did half of it, which is good enough for me.
Gonna chill out and put on yet another Woody Allen film. They seemingly fit my nights perfectly, clever, funny, not too heavy and I like the constant dialogue which keeps me engaged.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

Gonna chill out and put on yet another Woody Allen film. They seemingly fit my nights perfectly, clever, funny, not too heavy and I like the constant dialogue which keeps me engaged.

That's what I did when I couldn't sleep last night lol

 

[JackARoe]

Sleeper is a good Woody Allen film when you can’t sleep . (Although once I smoke weed I never have a problem sleeping)

 

[Cream Gravy?]

Gosh dang... I quit buprenorphine cold turkey, 36 hours or so clean now. And I'm a fuckin' mess... I cried a lot yesterday, I cried a lot already today. The slightest sad sounding song gets tears gushing from my face. How fucking depressed am I? Ripping this band-aid off hurt like hell and still stings.

I watched Leon: The Professional again yesterday and enjoyed it way more than my first viewing, and then again... when the credits rolled and this Sting song played, I began balling. I don't even know what I'm so sad about. I know I have to sell my car sooner than later... when I bought it I saw myself keeping it till old age. But it's too much of a project, I can't ass myself to be out there working on it weekly. I guess I'm just coming to terms with things I didn't want to face in life; lost dreams, dashed hopes, the futility of chasing the dragon.

The desire to go dig out some bupre is so overwhelming... it's all I can do to just sit here and mope on the computer.

 

[Xorkoth]

It's rough man, I feel your pain. My emotions have been all over the place since I quit doing pods after my time there. I kind of like the sudden crying from stimuli, because it seems somehow cathartic. What I hate is more what I'm getting this time around, which is crankiness, agitation, and anger. Which isn't usually how it goes for me.

I know we can both do it. You're a braver man than I, having some at your house while you try to come off.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

It's rough man, I feel your pain. My emotions have been all over the place since I quit doing pods after my time there. I kind of like the sudden crying from stimuli, because it seems somehow cathartic. What I hate is more what I'm getting this time around, which is crankiness, agitation, and anger. Which isn't usually how it goes for me.

I know we can both do it. You're a braver man than I, having some at your house while you try to come off.

Yeah, the return of emotions is nice, in a way... I actually find that opioids make me crankier when I'm on them vs WDing for some reason. It's just a bunch of crying, achy knees, and insomnia for me right now. Plus it's Valentine's Day and I've just always hated it as a holiday. So many bad memories in my life are tied to February 14th.

But GOD is the craving bad... I'm not gonna lie, I don't know if I can keep myself out of my stash. I want to go in there and get some old etizolam to make a solution for sleep aid (my daily alpraz does nothing for sleep) but if I'm in there, then... idk. So now I'm waffling about whether or not I should let myself get out some etiz because of how easy it would be to scoop out some bupre while I'm at it.

I'm trying to rationalize in my head, "Oh if I take this much and skip every other day it'll be easier," when in reality, that would simply lead to continued addiction, with inevitable ramping up of the dosage again. I've been trying to taper for weeks and always end up going back up the mountain. I have a trip with my family coming up in one week, and I really don't wana have to bring pre-weighed baggies of dope to snort in the bathroom.

 

[Xorkoth]

God, the rationalizations (I am talking to myself)... I do the exact same thing. People who haven't experienced addiction just don't understand but it's a terrifying thing to not be able to trust yourself, to do things you know even in the moment are lies to yourself. I hate it!

Well, I hung out with my friend last night. I smoked 3 cigarettes for some reason, I guess because he smokes a lot and I was tempted. I got a scratchy throat even last night, today it's feeling pretty rough. Hoping that doesn't mean I have covid but I guess if I do, at least I'll be getting it over with. I'm making some more elderberry syrup right now. It's feeling progressively more scratchy as the day goes on, just kind of a crappy feeling. I also might feel a little under the weather but let's be honest, I have been feeling under the weather for quite a while now.

 

[Cream Gravy?]

Something about Bob Dylan was always just screaming for covers to be made:

 

[Delsyd]

Sending love to you both. Quitting opioids is so difficult. The emotional aspect of it is a lot harder to deal with than the physical.
Makes me kind of grateful my DOC are dissociatives. I recently finished an epic disso binge. It was several months long but always low doses. I decided I would finish my stash before my daughter arrives because I don’t want to use dissociatives around her but also don’t trust myself to have them around and not use. So instead of throwing them away I binged on my extensive stash until they were all gone. I used almost everyday for several months. I finished the binge a few weeks ago. I definitely caused some brain damage but stopping use was pretty easy. There was no WDs. Just a couple days of feeling tired and extra bored, then I was back to normal besides the terrible short term memory and word recall. I know from past binges that that goes back to normal eventually too.
I do miss my evening dissociative night cap. Watching movies isn’t nearly as entertaining and I miss the hypomanic after glow that some of them provide. But not being high all of my free time is allowing to explore some new hobbies. I’m getting in to making soap and hoping to make some money from that next holiday season.

 

[Xorkoth]

I actually find the physical maybe even worse than the emotional, although it's hard to say for sure. But I only think that because of the insanity of a week of extreme restless body. I get it SO bad, it makes me completely unable to sleep or feel even slightly comfortable for even a moment (except while taking a hot shower which, if there was a way to do constantly for a week, I might actually be willing to cold turkey without any help), it makes me want to bash my head into a wall until I'm unconscious. I hate it so, so much. It's the worst feeling I can imagine. I would be willing to feel like I had the flu and shit myself and feel weak and unable to get out of bed, but when all I can do is writhe around and kick my legs and stretch my arms while my skeleton climbs out of my body (or feels like it), it is like being in hell. I don't know why I get restlessness so bad, I guess because I am prone to it, I had horrible restless legs almost every day as a kid to the extent I would sometimes panic at night and just start crying. But it pales in comparison to opiate withdrawal restlessness.

Sometimes I'll encounter someone saying that they can't handle opiate withdrawal because all they can do is sleep, and I'm like man that sounds amazing, I wish I could even sleep a wink, it would be a whole different situation for me. I'm getting pretty used to feeling depressed and anxious and off, it's been that way for a while. I have a deep dread for the RLS though.

I think that's why gabapentin and loperamide help me so much, and why some people seem to not think they do. It's because they pretty much totally eliminate the restlessness.

 

[perpetualdawn]

Scored some more wild Panaeolus sp. (cyanescens?) woop woop!
Do you still call them wild when they pop up on pasture poop? It's not really wild, but not really domestic, or feral either... hmmm..

 

[Xorkoth]

Ugh now I feel like shit in a covid sort of way. Achey body, werd/scratchy throat, no fever but malaise. Not nearly as much as the first time I got it. Actually in a weird way, this might help me with the whole opiate business... I already feel bad, I might as well just use the minimum necessary to keep myself away from the RLS.

Crossing my fingers you didn't get it from me/us, Delsyd.