Yay another recovery diary

Ok I'm going to write.

Idk what to write about again but my brain told me to write so I'm going to write.

What's in the way today brain lol.

Idk. There's been so much of me that has come out since I started posting and now there's sometimes when I'm writing that I feel like I have nothing left to write but I know that's not the case I know my mind is just waiting for me to release the metaphorical butt plug of my mind.

It's strange because there's so much that crosses my mind every day that I should write down and never do. I wonder at what level of needing to write it down is the healthy level is it literally writing all of it down or is it just the most thought provoking and frusterating thoughts? I hope I am doing a good job I hope that I continue to write for a long time even after I have my life figured out. I hope people can read this and see someone like them has made it and that they can do it too. I hope I have so many posts that one day when someone is struggling with their own cravings, they have enough to read for long enough and that it's so interesting that they don't think about their cravings anymore. I hope I continue to write even if I am not doing well because I know for a matter of fact no matter how many times I do bad again, if any, I will always always always bounce back.

Maybe that's my signal that I'm winning.

Because I used to think "man... I think this shit might kill me one day"

But I think the opposite is now true...

"even if I get high. I will always go back to sobriety no matter what it takes"

Shelby 8/19/21 1:33pm
 
Hi guys... I... Deleted my grindr my growlr my scruff and my Adam 4 Adam... Like yes I want to meet someone but those apps fueled my drug habit for so long. So long. And I know if I get high they will be there again but I'm not looking or trying to get high... I just... Want away from all of that stuff.

I saw a tik tok video and it was basically like "if you're gay... You're wounded. And when you do drugs you're wounding other people AND yourself... Stop doing that. Delete the things that cause you to be wounded."

And they were right. So I did. I'm not sure how I feel. I've had grindr since I was like 14 like I was way too fucking young to have a grindr but I sure did. I remember being like 16 and inviting dudes over to my house when my mom was gone at work dudes that were way older than me. I looked older than 18 when I was 16 so I could get away with that stuff... It was fucked up. I don't know that I regret any of it but it does go to show how fucked up the gay community is. Not only that but it's wounds fuel its own wounds like there's so much drug and alcohol abuse in the gay community because we grew up believing we weren't normal and now there's like a whole month dedicated to us it's fucked up because it switched so fast like I remember being a child and my mom telling me "shelby you can be anything but you can't be gay"

Thank God after I came out to her she accepted me but I was fully prepared to be homeless after I told her.

Those are all wounds. And I used drugs and dick to fill those wounds and it wounded me even more and that's so many gay men just wounding eachother and wounding themselves and nobody talks about it.

I'm grateful to be healing today.
Shelby 8/19/21 8:17pm
 
Y'all... I just want a cool racecar like this is totally little Shelby speaking right now but I just always felt like Ford owed me a Shelby Cobra for my name like I know literally nothing about cars like I don't know what a 3.8 tie rod nothing is those are all Chinese terms to me and furthermore I don't care like I really don't. But damn do I want a car that goes vroom vroom and goes fast. Haha. Like... I mean sure it's kinda a toxic thing to want a little bit but shit, Shirley. It ain't crystal methamphetamine so I'll just sit down and be happy lol.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to hear from the rehab people about what interim treatment is.

OH Y'ALL. I GOT A JOB. I knew there was something I kept meaning to write about! I don't like this big things happening in my life and me not writing about it I hope I get better about it I don't want to slip like that anymore.

So yes rehab is #1 priority. It always was and always will be until I complete it.

But I think this interem care (from what I've heard) is going to be a lot like outpatient (literally I might be wrong this is just taking a guess out of the deep blue). And she told me without interem care it's still going to be a few weeks till I get into treatment and I mean I still have to pay rent like my electric goes off next week if I don't figure out something and rent definitely isn't gonna "wait one more month" so until I can get into treatment I've got to find a way to make ends meet.

The job is working for an oil company as a secretary. It pays ok it's anywhere between $14/hr and $16/hr which is not bad. It'll keep me afloat for sure. And I've been good at secretary work before and I really don't mind it. I'm sure those guys working the big machines make way more but the heat would kill me and I'm just not that type of dude anyways.

Plus the good thing is that I'm not really attached to this company at all so I won't feel bad when I leave to go to inpatient (100% still planning on this I promise)

Idk what I'll be doing but it's full time. I am worried about it this interim care turns out to be like inpatient... If I'll be able to do work AND that but I know it will work itself out as long as I stay sober.

Y'all... I'm just so grateful.
Of course I ain't got no Shelby mustang yet but I'm working on it I'll get one one day you better bet haha.

Shelby 8/20/21 12:40am
 
Ok Shelby what kind of fucked up shit is on your mind this morning?
Like... I was thinking about this last night and it's still going to be really hard to put a lot of this into words because idk what was happening. I would like to say that through the lense of sobriety some of the things that happened to me got easier to understand while in my addiction but even I gaslight myself into thinking that it was all schizophrenic episodes like I know what I saw and I know what I heard and idk how to interpret them, the problem is that there were a lot of situations in which I have no idea what the fuck those situations meant but they were out of the ordinary.

So... It always felt like there was some group of people chasing after me in my addiction since I moved back to tulsa. The amount of times I had bad things happen to me or the amount of times strange coincidences happened to me were astonishing.

So... The first weird thing I can think of doesn't have to do with me but like... Okay so I've talked a little bit about this but I think I might have like a very high functioning form of aspergers. I never even thought about such a thing until I met a friend who is also gay and has aspergers in Tulsa who pointed out signs and symptoms to me and then started insinuating that I had it and then after doing my own research I concluded I might have it too.

I've never felt just "normal" like my whole life and I could never figure it out I thought it was always because I'm gay idk. But it's how other people treat me... It's how I see the world. It's how I treat other people. The thing is it's just like I know. And I hate it because I thought for a long time that it meant that I was stupid but really I guess it just means I'm a little odd.

But ever since my friend pointed out to me the symptoms I can't stop but think about how many other gay guys in Tulsa who use also have aspergers. Like... All of them. All of them are in this giant clique that basically just keep circling around and stealing from eachother to get more of their deadly habit. It's weird when I'm having a conversation with another aspie because I just know they're aspie like the conversations just flow differently.

See the problem with this post is that I keep getting caught up on the few things that don't matter and I don't know how to tell you about the weird shit that happened to me and the worst part is I don't even know where to begin with all of it or even how to comprehend a lot of it but it fucks me up on a daily thinking about it because it was so weird.

I thought a group was after me. There were a lot of guys I hooked up with that looked and acted very similar but that doesn't explain anything. It was all weird all of it.

There was times where I really felt like the TV was talking to me when I couldn't see it. There was a really weird large self propelled orange ball that hit me in the foot one day and then rolled away in my own house. One time my dog at outside and howled at nothing for 30 minutes straight. One time a dude was looking up something about a measurement of weight and his Google assistant started speaking in code and then later he started speaking in another language to another dude we were hanging out with and I heard him. English is his first language and we were on the topic of Satan worshipers.

It was all weird and idk how to explain any of it but there's a very very small chunk of a list that goes on much longer. I just hope that one day I can find the right words to tell you about all of it. I guess just not yet.

Shelby 8/20/21 7:45am
 
Grr my wifi fucking sucks y'all... I was using my voip for 12 and 12 and they called but the call kept dropping so I called back and then it went to voicemail... I emailed her and if I don't get anything back here in the next couple hours I'm going to call that girls personal phone again. I'm so frustrated I feel like they moved on to the next person just because my call kept dropping. GRRR.

Shelby 8/20/21 9:18am
 
Is the Rehab far away ? Maybe just show up there and talk to someone . A lot of the weird stuff you thought happened to you is from the drugs , meth is known to cause paranoia and crazy obsessions and thoughts.
Congrats on the job !!! That’s good to have a plan whether you go to rehab or not . Good luck
 
slw0363 said:
Going to treatment today at 1:30 love you guys no infection on my body at this time there ain't not a damn thing wrong with me at this point not high not picking not anything I'm ready.
Shelby 8/20/21 11:45am
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If you have access to your phone, which may not be the case, let us know how you are doing after you get settled.

Worst case scenario you can write it down on paper and then post when you get the chance.

The more you contribute, the more you'll get back. In terms of help, I meant. The committed ones have a better chance when the time comes to leave.

Don't worry about what's going on in the outside world. Concentrate on yourself.

Good Luck. :cheer:
 
Hey y'all. So... I ACA'd. I'm not proud of it. Yes I feel like I wanna get high, but on the other hand I did a 4th step and worked on that literally every single day I was in there and I fully intend on doing a 5th step on here. A lot of it will be more than y'all will ever want to know about me, but it's time. I'll explain why I ACA'd later but I was super miserable. It started off good. They had us in quarintene for 5 days to make sure we had no symptoms of covid, and I worked a lot on my 4th step then. And then they took me downstairs and straight up I was fucking miserable like one of the educators (I had him 3 times a day which is a lot for rehab) just basically repeated "get a home group, go to meetings, get a sponsor, do steps" over and over and over again and I WISH I was exaggerating that. And then he would say things like "Don't you think you have a problem?" and "You need to change your life don't you, Shelby?" and it was really triggering to times when my mom would talk down to me like he treated us in ways in which someone that had no experience with drug or alcohol abuse but really wanted you to stop abusing drugs and alcohol would talk. Ok so there was that. My counselor was blind which is crazy but mostly I always had this back seated distrust because he was never an addict. And I just fucking missed my dog.

Im going to be completely honest here... And I always will be... But basically I felt like I can do more work on myself through bluelight and meetings and therapy than I could in rehab and the last thing I will say is I don't know if I'm done using. I don't know what kind of light I want to come on where or what I want to happen to let me know I'm done but I just... I feel the need to get high. And idk mostly this need after working a 4th step has diminished significantly but I wonder if I could work a 4th step a different way or maybe a different type of 4th step or maybe it will go away completely as I work my 5th step. I'm not sure but I am ready for that feeling of wanting to get high to go away. And yes like all of this is exceedingly contradictory yes I want to use yes I want to get clean trust me it fucks me up more than it fucks you up.

But I'm sober right now. The last time I went to rehab and they sent me back home for staph I broke a pipe on the bathroom floor and when I came home from rehab I picked some pieces off (it's literally like dust if even that but for some reason my addict mind is all like "oh yeah this will be so great) some broken pieces of the pipe it's still sitting on that paper I really just have half a mind to flush what's on the paper and wet and throw away the paper just to make a statement to myself but yeah for now I'm just gonna sit here and eat some good ass Alfredo noodles I just made like shit sitting down right now watching TV and eating is the most peace I've gotten in like 10 days now haha. I can't even with myself.

I also want you guys to know it wasn't all bad and I absolutely plan on continuing my journey in sobriety and my healing even if I DO (and if the dope man comes through I probably will) get high tonight.

It will all be OK.

I love you guys very much.

I don't have regrets because I know that the work I can do in real life can be way more rewarding than the work I was doing in there. But I will have the opportunity in turn to be able to fuck my life up too way worse outside of rehab.

Shelby 8/31/21 7:39pm
 
Hi guys. I just wanted to let you know I'm doing ok. I'm not high. The dust is still on the counter in the bathroom and my dude didn't come through so I'll take it as a sign from God to go to sleep.

Also... In other signs from God... They were doing my ACA paperwork on the computer and out of nowhere the power goes out (no thunderstorms or anything) and they had to restart.

I can't say that I know that God is real but I can say for a matter of fact that if he is, that was a pretty good sign.

It's crazy how non-religious I am, yet I still ask through prayer for God to come through and then when God does I'm like "ohhhh it's nothing" haha maybe I need to be considering this religion thing more seriously 😂

I still want to believe all religion is made up out of fear to cope with death. I want to. Like it really can't be a thing where there's some big guy in some type of demension that we can't comprehend making judgements about little everyday actions and thoughts and has the power to send us to hell based on if we do actions or think thoughts that he doesn't agree with right like there's no way that is real right? Right?

I heard a good song in rehab.

Get Better - Frank Turner (Spotify)

Shelby 9/1/21 (welcome to my favorite 4 months of the year!!!) 12:03am
 
Hey guys! Hope you're doing well. Still sober here. I cleaned my apartment some, my electric got cut off while I was in rehab because I had forgotten to ask for assistance for my final month in time so a lot of my food in my fridge went bad. Good thing my neighbor took me to the food pantry today. I'm grateful just to be eating. Butchy is home and idk why but I really just feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief like I could live in a cardboard box but as long as that dude is with me that cardboard box is a home.

I'm so glad that my dude didn't come through last night but there's someone I did text today with the intention of getting high. I hate it like I know what getting high is gonna do and none of it is good.

Im puppy sitting for the friend while they go out of town and have fun because they came and picked me up for rehab and this dog fucking UGH shits and barks and tears things up I'm seriously about to murder a dog.

Idk... I'm just... I'm grateful to have that reaffirmation that I'm further along in my recovery than I think.

I'm hoping to start my fifth step on here tomorrow.

Anyways I think that's it. I love you guys thank you guys for being who you are.

I'll talk to you tomorrow :)
Shelby 9/1/21 10:22pm
 
OOF I really did almost forget to write today. So today I made appointments and went to one for addiction medicine. They're going to put me on naltraxone and maybe try to taper me off the zyprexa/olanzapine.
I'm still sober but I'm going to be completely honest I have a feeling I'm gonna wreck it tomorrow. I will still come here and I will still write about it but I had some using friends tell me they were coming tomorrow and one is an older man who loves to share his drugs.
I'm not prepared in the aspect that I don't have much control over what happens after I get high but nonetheless I'm trying to prepare myself for the least amount of relapse possible. Like I'm hydrating today and eating a lot now. I mean there's a chance they're literally just coming to visit but I'm already preparing for the worst. They are good people though.
Oh well... We will see how it goes. I love you guys very very much.
Shelby 9/2/21 11:53pm
 
Hi guys.... How's it going? I just wanted to check in and tell y'all I'm doing for the most part ok. Yes I relapsed. It sucks. Idk why literally everybody and their dog comes out of the woodworks just to talk to me when I relapse like I ain't heard from some of these people in like 3 years and now you wanna check up on me now that I gotta do some hoodrat shit in isolation? Lol. Nah jk I don't actually have that problem my real friends check up on me pretty regularly and I'm grateful for that I just am feeling a lot of shame.
I need to get a job I mean I won't even get to do an interview now for the next 3 days so I really just fucked myself over on time a little bit. Ugh.
Like... Does everybody have this hard of a time getting off meth or is it just me?
Idk
Shelby 9/4/21 9:32am
 
slw0363 said:
Hi guys.... How's it going? I just wanted to check in and tell y'all I'm doing for the most part ok. Yes I relapsed. It sucks. Idk why literally everybody and their dog comes out of the woodworks just to talk to me when I relapse like I ain't heard from some of these people in like 3 years and now you wanna check up on me now that I gotta do some hoodrat shit in isolation? Lol. Nah jk I don't actually have that problem my real friends check up on me pretty regularly and I'm grateful for that I just am feeling a lot of shame.
I need to get a job I mean I won't even get to do an interview now for the next 3 days so I really just fucked myself over on time a little bit. Ugh.
Like... Does everybody have this hard of a time getting off meth or is it just me?
Idk
Shelby 9/4/21 9:32am
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Relapses happen, just don't beat yourself up about it. There is no shame in it, it's very hard to stay clean, just don't quit quitting.
I'm back on heroin and this time i'm not being hard on myself. i have punished myself enough the past 11 years.I'm happy to hear you have a support system and bluelight is a great resource. i can be my drug doing self with no judgement and that's what i need because irl i don't have a judgement free zone.

You have the mindset that you want to quit and that's a major factor for success . Be kind to yourself, we are just human afterall. I wish you the best
 
slw0363 said:
Hi guys.... How's it going? I just wanted to check in and tell y'all I'm doing for the most part ok. Yes I relapsed. It sucks. Idk why literally everybody and their dog comes out of the woodworks just to talk to me when I relapse like I ain't heard from some of these people in like 3 years and now you wanna check up on me now that I gotta do some hoodrat shit in isolation? Lol. Nah jk I don't actually have that problem my real friends check up on me pretty regularly and I'm grateful for that I just am feeling a lot of shame.
I need to get a job I mean I won't even get to do an interview now for the next 3 days so I really just fucked myself over on time a little bit. Ugh.
Like... Does everybody have this hard of a time getting off meth or is it just me?
Idk
Shelby 9/4/21 9:32am
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Now that you are out of rehab you can start looking for work. Only reason you weren't looking is you were headed to rehab. Now that it is out of the way you can start looking a little more religiously. Take the Labor day holiday to chill out and Tuesday morning you can get serious. You might not want to get high as much if you have something to do and earn money to boot. Not quite sure how you have been paying your bills these last few months with no job and it isn't any of my business. Jobs can help us out in more than just the money aspect. We can meet new people and be proud that we are doing something good.

Getting off of meth isn't the problem. That's a walk in the park. Its staying off of meth where the hard work begins. Right now you like the meth better because you don't really have anything else to like or to keep you busy. You can change your own mindset if you have other things to occupy your time. You'll get there. It won't be easy but if you want it bad enough you'd be surprised how strong you really might be.
 
slw0363 said:
Hi guys.... How's it going? I just wanted to check in and tell y'all I'm doing for the most part ok. Yes I relapsed. It sucks. Idk why literally everybody and their dog comes out of the woodworks just to talk to me when I relapse like I ain't heard from some of these people in like 3 years and now you wanna check up on me now that I gotta do some hoodrat shit in isolation? Lol. Nah jk I don't actually have that problem my real friends check up on me pretty regularly and I'm grateful for that I just am feeling a lot of shame.
I need to get a job I mean I won't even get to do an interview now for the next 3 days so I really just fucked myself over on time a little bit. Ugh.
Like... Does everybody have this hard of a time getting off meth or is it just me?
Idk
Shelby 9/4/21 9:32am
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Don't be ashamed, shit happens and some times we do things we later regret. Don't pick up your ball and go home, dust yourself off, pick yourself up and keep trucking towards an attainable goal you've made.

If you truly want to be sober, you will get there. Just keep at it, try again.
 
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