Yay another recovery diary

Maybe it's time to go back and re-read all 8 pages of your thread to reinforce why you want to get, and stay, clean. Sorry the chem sex video triggered you but we all need to learn to live with what triggers us and avoid those triggers like the plague. Need to stop clicking on them and remember what happens when you do. Hope you still get your chance with rehab. Everyone here was , and still is, happy for you. Just need to get back in the saddle and decide if you really, really want to get clean. Maybe you aren't quite ready yet and clicked on that video so you could justify using. No biggie if you did but it obviously set you back. You were doing really well too. Stay strong.
 
So like... Idk man I'm just feeling real down on myself. I'm sure my friends put it together by now.
The rehab hasn't called me yet. I'm guessing they won't but if they do I'm going to see if I can do detox for a couple days before treatment.
But if they don't call today then I'll make sure to definitely reach out to them tomorrow.

Im so ashamed of myself and this is maybe one of the lowest highs I've ever had. :/

I mean... Like I'm really proud of myself not just for the quantity of clean time I had but for the quality of it like I don't know why I'm being eaten up so bad by this relapse like I'm the fucking king of relapse like I started trying to get clean in 2016ish and I've never had more than 3 months of sobriety at one time.

I know I'm like not supposed to take two at a time but I was picking at my face again for a real long time today so I took a couple anti psychotics. They seem to help.

So like... Yeah I just... Idk... I'm really proud of myself for what I did do and guess what I'm gonna fuckin do it again but this time I don't want to fuck up. I honestly think a large part of me buckled because of the quality of sobriety I was having and I knew that once I stepped/step foot in that rehab like I'm going to put an honest effort into trying like that really did feel like a "just one more time thing... Not that I'm trying to justify it becayse like I said I've had thousands of "just one more time's"


I hope this gets easier. I'm so tired of not even trusting myself like it always feels like my sobriety is something I'm barely holding onto you know like even when I have like a month of sobriety.

Ugh....

Shelby 8/9/21 4:00pm
 
Awe man sorry to hear you relapsed , it is what it is and at least you know your triggers .. A relapse doesn’t erase your clean time , so don’t be too down on yourself . Just don’t spiral , try to keep your rehab plans .
Why would you need detox for meth ??? There really is not any physical withdrawal for that right ?
 
So I'm sure some places they don't offer it but basically detox would be just sleeping a lot for 3 days so that way you're back to a normal sleeping pattern by the time you start treatment.

Nobody called today from the place I'm going to. :(

That's OK I'll call every number I have high sober idfc I'm fuckin going! And I won't stop calling until someone tells me a date and time to be there lol.

Like... It's crazy because... Idk... It was good dope. But... Idk... I'm just vibing out with it like so many things in my life. I mean don't get me wrong I'm super happy about it this has costed me too many things I love but it's just weird that like my high is good but I don't want it like I was so dumb going back out y'all... Like I shouldn't put all my eggs in the "your quantity is the only sobriety that counts" basket y'all... But I was doing good. But that's how it's been ever since I started to get clean like I'll find bits of something that works for me and then I'll go back out. Every single time. Idk why.

I really wish I could stick to this writing thing a lot of things have opened my eyes by just seeing it in writing. I do think there will be MANY parts of my recovery one day but I hope that this always remains a part.

I love you guys so much. I promise I'll always be honest before. I need you guys so much because I could never be that honest with someone in real life. Like I'm so grateful that I wrote down what I did earlier about the hypno shit because I felt like it was good practice just getting it out there in the universe so that way it doesn't feel so... Idk... It's just good practice.

I would like to one day not associate sex so strongly with meth. I would like to one day just be able to get horny without meth :/ but right now it is what it is.

Love you guys.

Shelby 8/9/21 10:56pm
 
Okay I gotta question while I'm thinking about it...

Why do people treat me differently?

OK let me kinda rephrase...

So... Like 99% of people I meet would have a personality of what I would call a chameleon and their lingo, personality, and sometimes even dialect changes based on where they are and who they are with.

This is something I've had a really hard time trying to learn as an adult because how I type here is exactly how I sound in real life... All crazy and nothing makes sense and the points are made up hahaha. Jk. But really like I don't care who you are if you're white black druggie mermaid I literally don't give a fuck like as long as you are semi nice to me and you don't fuck around with animals, kids, or old people (literally or metaphorically) then there's no reason I SHOULDN'T be kind and respect you.

And honestly I feel like that is how I'm different from most people and idk what to do with this information or if it's even important. I know there have been many times in my life where I felt like I was being treated differently (ESPECIALLY in the drug community) where someone would speak to me a certain way and then turn around and talk to their other friend in a completely different way.

Sometimes I get told shit like "shelby I know I can trust you" like when people first meet me and idk if that's good or bad like I think it's good because I would like to be treated how I treat people (or I say that at least I'm pretty sure I'm inadvertently an asshole a lot I'd probably hurt my own feelings) and basically I trust you until there's a reason not to. But then like on the other side of things I think people who wait to trust someone are also easy forgiving and I am not. If you break break my trust once you're done and maybe it really is me doing it wrong this whole time...

Hmmm.. How about that.

Shelby 8/9/21 11:17pm
 
So like... I got another question... And yes I'll be coming down today AND also I will be calling the rehab today I kinda hope they say I can come today but my only goal for today I'd literally just get a date be it today or whatever.

But ok... I have a feeling it's not the same but like... And you know... I don't know who here is straight or gay or whatever. But do straight people relapse because they also watch hypno videos?

That seems like a specific question but like... Idk... Do you ever just feel like you're the only one struggling with your own problems and you'll never figure them out and nobody can help you?

Which to a certain extent is correct like the only people who can help ourselves is technically ourselves and we do that through the willingness to change but like... I'm so tired of being the way I am y'all... I'm so tired of doing well and fucking it up I've been doing that for literally years now I wouldn't even know how to behave if I got 3 months of clean time like I don't even technically know if it's possible for me to get 3 months in a row or solid clean time.

What do I need to do to get over my addiction. Not just through it but over it. Like I said in a previous post I just keep feeling like I'm barely getting through each day of sobriety even after a month or two. How do I change that. How do I just not do drugs. How.

I fucking hate the part of me that flips after doing good like "ope I've done good gotta balance it out with a couple days of pure hell" no. I don't deserve that. I deserve better than that. Why couldn't I have an easier less life threatening disorder like hoarding or being a workaholic why did I get addiction? Can I get a refund I really don't like this card, God. I would had rather been anything else really.

Shelby 8/10/21 6:39am
 
If you look around the forum you will see that a lot of people that love meth also have the sex trigger . Meth addicts tend to have kinky , weird sex fantasies and jerk off for hours , do risky sex etc .
My drug of choice is OxyContin which pretty much kills sex drive so I don’t have much advice on that front lol.

I saw a meme earlier

Addiction ; giving up everything for 1 thing .
Recovery ; giving up 1 thing for everything .
 
Larimar said:
If you look around the forum you will see that a lot of people that love meth also have the sex trigger . Meth addicts tend to have kinky , weird sex fantasies and jerk off for hours , do risky sex etc .
My drug of choice is OxyContin which pretty much kills sex drive so I don’t have much advice on that front lol.

I saw a meme earlier

Addiction ; giving up everything for 1 thing .
Recovery ; giving up 1 thing for everything .
Click to expand...
So let me first start off this post saying it's taken me all day to write this... I'm saying this because I'm in a completely different mood now but I'm going to continue to write.

That's right! And I try to keep it in the back of my head that getting an unadulterated amount of sex drive all at one is really not that big of a deal.

Like... This is gonna be dumb but with my already high sex drive before and the dope I've had enough sex for like 4 lifetimes. Like... That was part of the reason I got so burnt out for awhile too like it was all the same. Over and over again. I was trying to fill my heart with a dick and it turns out there's not a dick that's big enough to fill the hole in my heart nor my soul.

On the other hand like... I literally do not understand why people do drugs that doesn't get them horny like dmt is a pretty big thing down here and like it sounds kinda interesting in a "if it helps you fear death less and see the answers to life" it would be cool to have those answers kinda thing...



..........



It's 8:01pm. In 12 hours I will be waking up and getting showered and all that jazz because I go in at 8:45 (9:00 but I want to play it safe)

The animal coordinator came and got my dog today. It's only temporary but my heart hurts so bad guys I miss my dog like this apartment is so fucking big without my dog like I'm so lost without him and I know he's ok like I know he's being treated super goddamn proper wherever he is but fuck.... A relationship is a two way street and I needed that dog too.

I'm gonna go still though. My face looks like shit from me picking literally all fucking day without fucking stoping like I was more fucking intoxicated by picking at my face than I am the fucking meth.

She asked me if I thought that any of my sores was MRSA and I told her no but we'll see if I reevaluate my answer tomorrow. Tonight I have a drenched mask so my face doesn't get dehydrated and look the MRSA part you know.

Oh hell who am I kidding I'm just trying not to get kicked out on my first fucking day they won't have any detox beds open tomorrow I would have to wait and I've waited long enough...

The only reason I got high yesterday... And today... Was to remind myself that it really ain't shit like it's actually pretty terrible because all it does is gets you horny in exchange for losing jobs and getting your dog taken away for a month like that's actually a lose lose scenario and definitely one that I don't see a future in (mostly because I'll be dead if I keep like I'm keeping)

I watched more of those videos because of course they're in my fucking head and then I just need an excuse to live in the lose lose universe some so I watch another because I'm scrolling through porn minutes at a time and picking my face hours at a time I might as well just complete the whole fucking triad of stupidity and get entrapped even further.

So I have an idea about how to get my brain out of this trap... Trap of the hypno videos I mean... At the place here who deals with hiv patients, they offer emdr and I thought about getting reverse hypnoed like undoing everything I've learned in the videos and making them not feel so trapping in the future.

Hypno isn't even real anyways fuck.

Ksjsiwjfhussj

My face hurts really bad you guys.

I don't know how in the literal fucking hundred of hours I've spent picking at my body while high how I've not damaged more than just skin like how have I not given myself a brain aneurysm or a stroke or some shit like I will literally sit and tell myself that in the mirror "this shit is gonna make you have an aneurysm and do you know the survival rate of those SHELBY DO YOU"

But I just keep picking.

Coincidentally this is going to be the second time I've said this on here but you'd think with how I react to it that I wouldn't be so hooked to it...

It fucking sucks I actually irl hate it and want out. I want out of the stupid videos I want out of getting high I want out of getting high in the future I want out of having bad relationships I want out of lying I want out of having to give my dog up I want out of getting fired all the time because I call into work "sick" all the time I want fucking out I want to be responsible I want to not let withdrawal or craving bother me I want to differentiate sex from drugs I want to differentiate love from sex I want to keep a job I want my dog to be happy I want to be happy I wanna stop hanging out with weird ass scandalous people like I want to know my friends are my friends because they wanna be and that there's not something more deceitful going on behind my back.

I miss my mom. I still don't know what to tell my dad. I miss my dog.

I'm probably going to write a couple more times before I leave you guys temporarily but I have everything packed including a notebook and pen so I can take pictures of notes and upload them here so I can share what I learned while in rehab. I'll make sure to at least write one more time though for sure.

Not looking forward to feeling embarrassed about my face tomorrow but oh well... Those who are actually trying to get clean will have sympathy and feel for me I'll know to hang around them.

Shelby 8/10/21 8:27pm
 
Okay so like... This shit is like... It's just me.

Like I've not answered the door all day because I've been high and picking at my face. There's been like 4 people who tried to get in touch with my today including my own father and I've ignored them because I was afraid I wouldn't respond the right way so they might not trust me or idk what I fear but it's there.

So now here I sit in a grave I spent all day making... No dog no friends no neighbor no dad.

And it's not like the loneliness like I have learned to be able to handle that it's the like... Being able to just talk about a bunch of shit that doesn't matter with someone I guess it's the silence idk... I don't even want noise but I don't really enjoy the hollowness of the silence either.

God I hope these people at the rehab I'm going to tomorrow can help me... I need it. I want it.

Shelby 8/10/21 9:16pm
 
Hey kids. I'm in the car going to rehab now. My face is fucking peeled I feel fucking fried. Like I slept last night but I still feel like shit. I'm going though. I got so much on my mind and a little anxiety it's emberassing the way I look. But I'm gonna make it. And I'm gonna take in as much as I can because this is really truly the last time I want to do this but I will do it until I get it right I'll force my future self to go till I get it I don't give a fuck haha. Well I mean I do give a fuck that's why I'm doing it.

Anyways...im going to write... Every single day something to put in here just like I normally would, just on paper. And then I'll either type it or take pics and post them for you guys when I come back.

Love you guys thank you all for everything you have done for me and I'll see you guys on the other side ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Shelby 8/11/21 8:27am
 
So I'm feeling a lot of things including the urge to use out of anger.

I'm so upset at myself... I get it I'm not mad at them it is what it is. I really need to stay sober and try again next week when it's all cleared up.

But this is like the trap right like you can't get treatment because you are using but you can't stop using because you can't get treatment.

There's a lot of flaws with that statement but addict Shelby is very upset at specifically that statement.

So much of me just wants to ride off these people but I think ultimately this is the test of my ultimate recovery is if I'm willing to be clean and level headed to go into treatment.

That would include not using "one last time" and that fucking sucks like... Yeah... That fucking sucks. But it's just an internal peace I need to come to with myself like I HAVE to come to that and again I'm feeling trapped like I got the world hanging on a string and if you've read any posts before this you'd know I fucking HATE that feeling, that I'll always fuck it up on purpose so that way I can control the dissapointment in myself and other people.

Sigggghhhhhh my mind works against my own heart and all of it is so fucked up. I told my dad I was going into treatment so many people were proud of me and I was proud of myself but it feels like I gotta go away and do this thing quietly and not get anybody involved and it just sucks it all sucks and straight up I wanna lie to everybody and be like "ope they're shut down for covid" or some shit like...

I created my own bed here. And that's really what sucks like these are the consequences of my own actions and I fucking hate it it's dumb and furthermore it makes me feel like I'm choosing to use which at a certain point I am and that fucking sucks too because I don't think out I don't see out that far when I'm trying to get high right like I wasn't thinking about if they wouldn't accept me for having staph because I was picking for hours in the mirror I was thinking about getting high so what do I need to do to make it where when I think I wanna get high, I actually think about not being able to get treatment instead? Like what do I need to do why can I not just fucking get it that using is destroying my life furthermore why do I have the fucking gull to just let it like it's destroying and has destroyed every fucking thing and I just sit quietly in the background whispering "please stop" like it's gonna make a difference but I don't know how to change the whispering into screaming like I don't know how to scream at my demons when they decide it's time to come out.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I know what I want and I know what future shelby needs and both of those things are completely different sometimes like I just fucking hate myself for that. I'm so sad you guys.

I'm mad and I'm sad and it sucks and I just want to give up the ability to want to use. Like I can go without so fucking much in my life why can I not go without that?

Ugh. Fucking shit bitch cat piss jilly junk motherfucker.

UGH. And now I'm tired too.

Shelby 8/11/21 10:33am
 
Seems a little suspect. I would have fought harder on the " staph " on your face. We all have staph all over our body all the time. If the counselors couldn't see your picked at face would of course be sore and would clear up maybe you weren't at the right rehab. Ointments and an antibiotic would have cleared it up in no time. And things like that are NOT contagious. Everyone has their own staph ( even after a shower ) as that's how we keep our largest organ ( our skin ) alive. If you would have presented yourself with Covid I would understand. But a picked at face that a lot of meth users get is not uncommon and almost to be expected.

I would fight this one. That's bullshit.
 
This is what I look like I'm not even going to lie I do look a little bit like I belong on the set of the walking dead. For some reason the "embed image" button isn't working right now




But this is how my whole life has been since I moved back to Oklahoma. Yes I see the suspect in it too but I've had so many suspect things happen to me at this point that I just don't even fight it anymore. As soon as my face clears up I'm going to try to go back but I guess I'm just gonna do whatever until then idk I'm just... I don't have it in me anymore to chase things like this because so much changes in such a short time. Like I had to go to the ER multiple times before I found out I had HIV. I knew something was wrong with me and like they all gave me weird fucking hints the whole time too like all of them did blood work and I felt they could have mentioned that I had hiv like how is that something you just don't tell someone... Anyways... Yeah. I just... I'm tired. Physically I'm tired in my soul... I'm just gonna be on this journey of life because I get tired arranging my life for people who see how hard I'm trying but don't care. Yes I should have fought it but at this point I'm just tired.

Maybe it's a sign from God who knows.

Shelby 8/11/21
 
Sorry you have a sore on your face. I expected you would look much worse than that. That is nothing compared to what i have seen on people in real life. Almost just looks like a patch of road rash. But who am I to dispute what your rehab said. Done deal now anyway and maybe you will get to go back in next week. At least now you can get your dog back right?

I suggest getting some neosporin and put gloves on your hands if you use again and want to pick. If you leave it alone it will heal in no time.
 
Hi guys another update still sober still sleeping a lot I feel like a depressed piece of shit still lol
I've not been taking my wellbutrin just because I've been hoping to sleep through most of my healing on my face lol. I am taking the rest of my meds tho.

Shelby 8/13/21 5:05pm
 
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