Yay another recovery diary

Okay a couple more things while I'm waiting on my food to cool down... I'm really proud of myself because I said no to my "best friend" after she asked me to watch her tiny dog again so they could go do fun things. It's funny how like I had to come up with money and getting them to take me and pick me up from rehab the other day was like pulling strings like they had no idea where they were gonna get the money to take me 10 goddamn miles but all of a sudden they're gonna go 35 miles away just because they feel like it. Fuck them.

Secondly.. As it stands right now I'm aiming for Tuesday or Wednesday going back. This time I'm just going to take the bus I think which it's gonna fucking suck taking along all my clothes and stuff. But I'm still going. And I'm not gonna use anymore before I go.

Shelby 8/13/21 5:16pm
 
Glad you are still going next week ! Just keep putting neosporin on it and it should get better . If you feel the need to pick , do your arm or somewhere no one can see .They prob just worried about open sores and infecting someone else ; do they know you are hiv positive ?
Try to stay sober and strong , you got this and it’s only going to get better for you but you have to put in the work !
 
Hey... So... It's time for me to write.
Today I had a pretty good day. I had just enough money for a pack of cigarettes. The "best friend" asked me to watch her dog while she goes and does something fun and I told her no.

I made milkshakes with the old Vietnam vet neighbor and when he talked too much about his girlfriend I set boundaries with him and told him that I was done listening about her.

And then I watched an episode of schitts creek with my addiction counselor friend.

I'm doing well.. And I'm thankful to be doing well.

I want to say "normally here" but actually what I should say is "old me" instead
So
Old me would have shut myself away for a week after relapse to heal myself. But I wouldn't have actually healed myself I would have been encaptured into solitude by the shame that I felt by relapsing.

Instead I hung out with people (face scabs and all) I told my addiction counselor friend what happened and I didn't allow shame to tell me how to live my life today.

The doctors tell me "shelby... If you're gonna relapse at least make your relapse as short lived as possible so there's the least amount of damage from them"

And this is the way that I can do that: by having those really tough conversations and by getting out of my house despite my obliterated (but healing) face. Monday I will call the rehab. I'm sure they will either be ready for me to come in on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday at the latest. I will make sure to fill in the lady that coordinates where my dog will go while I'm in treatment so she can get my dog, and I will try again at treatment. This time sober. This time without a bunch of blood on my face. This time I'm gonna do it.

I'm not happy that I relapsed still but I'm moving past it. It's ok.

Oh yeah today I had some tea which idk I've never been into tea but today was something else man like... It was tea. And it was good. It wasn't too powerful it was just a small amount of bliss... Just a small amount... But it was still bliss. And I'm grateful to find the little things in my life that give me these little amounts of bliss.

I'm sure I've got more to say I just can't think of them right now. Tomorrow I'm going to start taking my wellbutrin again. I'll need it because my apartment is a fucking mess and I need to do a load of laundry.

Anyways... Yeah... I know you're here if I need you and I promise I won't be afraid to write.

Love,
Shelby ❤️
8/14/21 11:29pm
 
Like... This is going to sound dumb... But it feels like the end. Now... I don't want to play it up too much or anything because I know damn well and good I could be back in active addiction at a blink of an eye but this feels... Different. It feels like the end of my addiction. Like it's weird because I will ALWAYS be a recovering addict. Even when I feel no more urges to use. Even when I'm not sad anymore that I went through this. Even when I'm in a whole other part of life focusing on other things than keeping my head above the water, I will ALWAYS be recovering. For as long as I live. Idk... I kinda hate this feeling actually... It feels a little bit "yucky" (I hate that fucking childish ass word) like the last episode of "Seinfeld" or some shit where they just... Separate and go different directions....

So recently I've been thinking a lot about my future right and I just... I think I would make a really great social worker... And I mean like this is part of the problem I had before why I got so burnt out on music is because I thought I had every little thing figured out like my 5 year goals and so on and so fourth and it feels like the further along I go into my recovery it feels like I start gaining those back a little. I mean they're completely different than what they were before but I mean I start gaining back the ability to have goals and have an outlook on my life you know?

I know this is way too figured out for someone who hasn't even been to rehab yet but here's what I would like... I would like to go to rehab... Then for a couple years do miniscule work... Things I know I'm good at... Selling phones, doing motel work.. I'm good at both of those... And then when I get a couple years of clean time I would like to be a peer supporter. With this I can pay off some finances and go back to college and in college I want to do music therapy and addictions counseling.

Like that's really what my heart is yearning for like it would be so cool to do that till I die like fuck retirement when you're doing what you love, you know?

Idk... I just know


OK let me pause here... I wrote all of this like 2 hours ago and then I came back to write more. Like an hour ago. And it was all gone anyways I was so mad that I even ALMOST thought about not writing at all tonight.

Anyways I refreshed the page and it's all back and thank God I spent way too much time typing that to not post it hahah.

Okay so one last thought... Let me select all and copy this shit....

Okay very last thought now... Hahaha.

I need to not "fast forward" my life like I still have rehab to do I still have so far and so many things can change as I very much know. And moreso I just want to be on this journey of life and flow through all of it just as I can and I want life to lead me to where I'm supposed to go... I mean I know what I want and I know what my soul is yearning for but if it's not meant to be... Then I want to be okay with that too and just sink into whatever it is that I am supposed to be.

That's all for now. I'm still sober still calling rehab in the morning I have a suspicion they will want me to come in tomorrow if not Tuesday morning. I'll keep you guys posted.

Shelby 8/15/21 11:07pm
 
So... I've already called and left voice mails for 2 different people and texted someone who called me from a work at home thing and I will be calling her about 2pm if I still hear nothing. Then 3pm I will be calling the (not very nice ladies) at the receptionist desk and asking them what I should do (I know they're gonna be like "they're gonna get to you in the order they did your paperwork" ughh")

But I also made arrangements for my dog she told me that when they are ready to let her know and she will come pick up my dog.

I'm ready. I'm trying.

I look much better too.
Shelby 8/16/21 12:48pm

 
So my phone got turned off today bc of non payment and I just.... Ugh.... I've been leaving voicemails (well the two today so far) with my new number on it but because a lot of them are doing work from home stuff are they still checking with the old number or will they get my new number or?
Ugh
Shelby 8/16/21 1:35pm
 
Ok I finally got ahold of someone. Unfortunately it was her personal phone but I feel a little bit better like mwahaha I have someone's personal phone number and I'm gonna keep calling it until I get a date for rehab again. It was the lady who I met when I first went in to the rehab and then she let me go because of my face. And I really will keep calling her to. She asked me how my face was and I told her that my face was healed and much better and then she asked when my last use date was and I told her the day before I went into the rehab the first time (which was Tuesday of last week I believe) and she told me I wouldn't qualify for detox anymore which is fine by me I won't need the detox anymore (and I plan on keeping that promise).

I have another post I'm going to write here in a little bit unrelated to this but I'm going to go ahead and publish this.
Shelby 8/16/21 3:06pm

Edit: she told me that she would have one of the schedulers give me a call by the end of today. Last time I was promised that I didn't hear back from nobody so I already have plans to call her personal phone again tomorrow.

Shelby 8/16/21 3:07pm
 
Okay so... I'm having a really hard time with the politics of Oklahoma like obviously this is a very very red state. Which is fine whatever obviously being the gay boy I am I'm not so red myself. And it's a struggle because I sit with a neighbor or whatever to have a cigarette and they wanna tell me things about how [insert minority group] is very [insert most generic stereotypes]. Little do they know that I'm a gay genderqueer atheist. I don't let them know that.... Maybe I should... But most of the time I let them say whatever hateful thing they have to say and then change the topic without them realizing it.

But then I ask myself... In what part do I play in the oppression of these marginalized people by not saying anything? Like I am always caught on a line between being these old people's friends because they're old and need a friend and saying saying something because their view of the world is rooted in the oppression of other people.

Ugh. I hate this line. I feel like if I lived somewhere more blue I wouldn't have to deal with this line as often.

Ugh.

Shelby 8/16/21 3:18pm
 
Ok well here we are at 5 again. I sent her a text at 4:55pm telling her I hadn't heard from anybody, but because she's older idk if she texts or not. Tomorrow I will be calling :/

Shelby
8/16/21 4:58pm
 
So... I finally got ahold of someone (the same lady who I had her personal number) and they told me that I wouldn't be able to go till at least next week. So I told her Monday I would call but I'm so upset about it, you guys. I'm so upset like... I have my whole life on pause just so I can go to rehab and here they are telling me I'll be able to get right back in and then they tell me it'll be another week. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh.

Part of me wants to just go out and get another job and part of me wants to hold everything off for another week so I can go to rehab. I want to go to rehab. I fuckin hate the wait and I have such a hard time just sitting with everything that's going on.

I thought they were gonna be ready I asked my Vietnam vet neighbor if he would take me and he said yes so my stuff was already packed in the car. I'm probably just gonna leave it packed in the car. And then I thought they would say either come in today or tomorrow so I asked a my addictions counselor friend to borrow money so I could put gas in his car so I already put gas in his car and now it's like... For what?

Ugh... I'm so upset.

Shelby 8/17/21 4:28pm
 
Okay so I've decided... I've started thinking about ways that I can act in the present which future me will thank me for. And I think that includes going to online meetings every day until I can go to rehab as well as continuing to write.

It sucks because I've never gotten out of meetings what I can get out of writing but I think that's what I'm going to say I'm going to tell them that I suck at speaking at what I want to say never comes out right like how it so effortlessly does when I write. But maybe this is life giving me the chance to practice before I go to rehab maybe this is good because you know rehab is all about 12 step groups and so if I can practice ways in which I can speak what I'm trying to say in the same way that I write it, maybe I will be more prepared by the time that I can go to rehab.

I'm trying to view the good about this.

Shelby 8/17/21 5:23pm
 
Okay so here's something that is fucking me up a little bit. Which... Don't get me wrong... I told him (my Vietnam vet neighbor) if he gets too hot don't hesitate to come over... But like today his power got shut off... Despite him making $2,000 a month in subsidy from social security and from being a vet. Now take for instance rent here is $650ish a month. He can well afford his rent electric usually runs about $100/mo. Cool. That's still way below his limit. I wonder where all his money went. Hm. Like I get it now when someone says "you only act as a spiritual charging pack for people that refuse to get it for themselves" like I know this is SO the version of me that is evil and spiteful but I just so need for him to sit in his dark ass house for a little bit by himself. Like... I'm struggling because I don't just want to be this way also I know this is how people feel about me when bad things happen to me... But man... I keep telling him that girl ain't worth all that but he keeps giving that girl money he's given her more than $3,000 in the last couple months! He's not made a car payment in months I'm surprised they haven't shut off his car. Obviously he hasn't paid his bills in months. All of his money is going to her.

And here I am fucked up about it because I have my whole goddamn life on pause waiting to go to treatment I got a disconnection notice myself and not only that but I'm going to ask for rent help for September but that's the last time I can ask for help until July of NEXT YEAR!!! (getting help bc I have hiv)

Like if the dude is trying to help someone help me! Because I'm stuck between getting a job and going to rehab and I've been on this fucking line for weeks now!

Ugh!

Shelby 8/17/21 6:09pm
 
Okay so I had a lot going on tonight mostly hanging out on the porch and smoking cigarettes with the old vet next door. For those of you wondering he still defended his girlfriend. He told me in my conversation with him tonight that his girlfriend told him that she prays for him and by how his electric was off tonight... I highly doubt she does. Did she check up on him? Hell no. Did she call or text? His phone was off too so hell no to that too. She doesn't give a fuck about him she just cares about his money and it's sad and I truly hope that she grows to be alone and desperate for the rest of her life. I truly hope she gets taken advantage of by every person she ever meets for the rest of her days.

Fuck her, bro. Fuck her. Fuckin gold digging ass bitch.

Idk why this memory pops up but I used to work at Walmart (not for Walmart but at Walmart) as one of those people that try to get you to buy phones from them. And like I had once a lady try to buy a bunch of STEAM gift cards and like obviously she was older right like she had no fuckin idea what a STEAM even was I think she even pronounced it as "stem" but like... It turned out that some scammers online had told her something stupid it was something like they had a warrant for her arrest or idk what it was but it was stupid maybe she was in love with them I can't remember... But she was purchasing all these steam cards and I'm like "why are you purchasing all of these" and she told me and Walmarts policy is once you buy a gift card you can't return it and I just... It fucked me up and I so fought for her (as I did a similar event at a walmart I didn't even work at) and the first lady I know they gave back her money the second lady I had to go because my friends were leaving and I was so trying to get her her refund and explain to her how they were scamming her by exchanging the steam gift cards for money online but like... I know a little bit of them probably hung on to hope that I just didn't know the real truth but the problem is I did and I'm fucked up about it like there are really evil scammers out here every God damn day just scamming people left and right and these are usually people that already come from low income usually (not trying to stereotype but there is no denying the truth) and it's usually the last money they have and I just... The scammers don't fucking care the scammers just do the miniscule fucking scripted fucking work it takes to get someone of any marginalized group to believe them because they themselves don't feel believed in their normal everyday lives and that fucks me up so goddamn fucking hard and I can sit through a lot of emotions but I really have no fucking idea how to sit through that without feeling so goddamn angry about it.

People who scam like that can fucking eat shit and die and that's the only time I really ever feel such hate but God fucking damn do I hate motherfuckers like that and that's part of the reason I fucking hate selling phones becuase when I sale phones *I* am the scammer and I just can't. Not to people who don't deserve it.

I loved the money but I hate being inauthentic. Goddamn do I hate inauthenticity so much.

UGH.

I even had to shed a tear for that one.

Theres so few things that make me that goddamn angry but that's one of them that's for sure.

I don't even know what else I wanna say about it I'm that fucking mad haha.

So I guess I'll just go to bed mad.

It is what it is.

I'm grateful to have a roof and I'm grateful to have kind neighbors and I'm grateful to have a place to type all my bullshit.

I'm grateful, I am.

Shelby 8/18/21 1:34am
 
Hi guys. How's it going? I hope you're doing well.

Today was a really good and slightly annoying day.

First off... I got my full Oklahoma drivers liscense today!!!! So yes. I can get a job. Secondly... I got a call from my rehab today basically saying that on Monday or Tuesday next week I was going into like some medium type of treatment I guess where I would technically be AT the rehab waiting for a bed I guess but I wouldn't technically be IN treatment yet. Idk if anybody knows more about this type of treatment because I've never heard of such a thing I'm wondering if I misheard her. But basically on Friday they were supposed to call me back with more info and if I don't hear from them then 1: I will call the rehab 2: I will call that lady's personal phone number again and 3: I will email the screeners email (she gave it to me today on the phone)

So even though I am going to put everything on hold for another week. It's OK. I feel like I'm making progress. And having an official ID now makes me feel even farther away from homelessness. Not that I'm clear and out of the woods yet but I fear it a little less with my ID, birth certificate, and social security card now. Now I just gotta stay clean which actually doesn't even feel like that major of an accomplishment anymore like... I'm doing ok.

Something recently (I heard this from Oprah Winfrey's podcast... Idk if anybody ever listens to it but it really has just about changed my life.) I learned is to be grateful for my urges to use. Like first off it makes the urge dissappear almost completely. Secondly it shows me that another way of life is out there if I choose it. I'm so goddang grateful for my urges. I'm not gonna act on them. I don't need to act on them and thank God but I'm grateful for the opportunity shall it ever arise again. I feel like talking about it it's almost a toxic way to think about it like who the fuck would be grateful for such a terrible feeling but it seems to work.

For the first time in all my years of trying to stay clean... I am just now feeling like I am getting ahead on my addiction.

Im grateful as hell for that.

I mean I had to think about my addiction completely different than I've thought about anything ever but I'm finally here. Thank God. Thank God. I hope and pray I never come back to that place.

Shelby 8/18/21 7:19pm
 
I struggle with creativity and actually this is gonna be something I write about I think but like... I would slowly like to do more and more things that cultivate my creativity... Such as writing. But also art. I want to art more. But writing can be art so I need to be more specific...

Painting. I want to do more painting. I want to cultivate my art in the form of painting. I've always wanted to do that but I think until this very moment have I realized that it was exactly painting.

Painting and improvising on my trumpet. But... I don't have my trumpet so there goes that one at least for a little bit. But it sucks because I never know what to paint nor do I feel like I'm good at putting an image to canvas and I get frustrated at myself because what kind of artist am I if I don't have an imagination as to what I want on canvas. But that's the thing I want to change. Maybe these are two separate ideas "wanting to paint" and "wanting to cultivate my imagination" not that my imagination hasn't gotten me in trouble before, hell it's the reason I have cravings... But I wish I could turn craving imagination into painting imagination. How do I do that? Idk... But I want to. Interior design would be cool to learn how to be better at too I think I always marveled at the gays who could decorate a storage bunker to make it look like Martha Stewart's home...

I guess the only way to do well is practice but I just always let the hump of feeling not good enough or feeling like I'll never be good enough stop me... Really that's just one feeling.

Idk... It is what it is but I certainly would like to take this up in my sobriety, painting. I want to... I just don't know where to start.

I guess... Time to watch some Bob Ross...

Shelby 8/18/21 10:49pm
 
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