Yay another recovery diary

Hi guys how's it going? So... Interesting news. Over the past couple days I've been gearing up for today. Today was my first day at work! I'm kinda glad of course as this gets me a little further away from homelessness. Also... My last usage was last night, so I've not done any today and inadvertently I broke my pipe but honestly it was probably for the best. I can tell you that it feels nice to have this nice little refresh away from drugs but let me tell you as soon as I get my $2,000 Cherokee money or my first paycheck from work I'm going to be so fucking tempted like I know myself well enough to know how huge of a trigger that amount of money is gonna be to me.
So my job is in Tulsa. It's a little bit of a drive and I've been really grateful that my neighbor has been taking me each time but he is currently on empty right now (his gas tank) and I feel so bad like making him drive me like he didn't sign up for that and like my job doesn't allow me time to take the bus there like they usually give you 20 to 30 minutes to get there after you get the phone call and by bus it would take me almost 2 hours to get there.
I really been feeling like I've been flying by the seat of my pants with this job and that if anything goes wrong at any moment that I won't have the job so I'm just trying to be grateful for each day that I make it because that means more money to pay bills.
But poor Butchy wootchie I worked for 12 hours straight today and he was home alone that long too. I'm going to set it up where my other neighbor (she's younger than me, she doesn't do the shit at all, and she's an aspie) will have a house key and I'll pay her check on Butchy and take him out and maybe feed or water or play with him while I'm out on a long trip like that.
I told my boss (who is actually kinda a cool lady like yesterday she asked me to be her friend on Facebook though and I saw that she had reblogged something from the Facebook page "put the dope down" and like I've noticed there is like a 100% chance that the people who like that page still do dope lol) that my neighbor was on empty but that he gets paid on Wednesday and he will put gas in the car then so make sure I don't have a trip tomorrow and she said ok and that she understood so I'm grateful for that.
It's some crazy shit right like I'm sitting here and thinking about how I feel, when I'm high, that I'm faking my sobriety, but like... Idk... It's not that I feel truly giddy with sobriety all the time like there are literally times I wish I was high when I was sober, but like... I don't think it's as bad as I feel it is when I'm high like when I'm high I'm really in my emotions feeling like I'm faking being happy every single time that I'm happy but I mean... I'm not high (I mean it's not out of my bloodstream but I'm not actively high) and I don't feel like... Well.. I don't feel as depressed as I do when I'm high, that's for sure. But it's crazy because I will literally have myself so convinced I am so sad in my sobriety and I'm really not. I need to stop that.
You know what's kinda scary that I probably should tell a medical professional about? Recently I've had almost another personality speak like out loud to me when I've been high. This person claims to be the devil which... I don't even believe the devil exists so idk why this section of my personality exists but it seems to me that part of my personality is splitting away from itself to become it's own separate entity and honestly if you have any tips to deal with this like please tell me because this like separate personality has it's own goddamn voice and everything when it talks. Maybe I actually need an exorcism.
The sad part is at least the devil living inside of me would explain my feelings of not being in control some of the time 😂
Shelby 9/14/21 12:46am
 
Hi guys. How's it going? Well... I'm still not doing so well... Idk what I'm going to do. It's starting to feel more like an active addiction again. I have a couple friends that knew I went to rehab who keep coming by. The other night I coincidentally ran into them at quick trip and then today they decided to stop by and both times they got me high for free. Like... I didn't even tell them I was at rehab either like my "best friends" girlfriend told them. And two things either happen when someone knows I'm trying to quit. It never fails that either I end up dissapointing them OR that's when the good drugs come around. Honestly I had like two good days and I've been in the mental state that I'm not going to hunt it down or pay for it but evidently I have a hard time saying no when it just comes around for free. It sucks. I hate it. Butchy hates it. He looks so sad when I'm high and I hate the knowledge that my addiction is so bad that my dog is effected. Like it is not his fucking fault he did not deserve the loneliness and isolation of my addiction. If he could talk he would have some words for me that's for damn sure. I just... I'm really upset and I feel trapped like what if this is it for the rest of my life. I just... Ugh... How do I get more honest like what do I need to do? Well... I know what I NEED to do I NEED to stop using but it seems like I'm willing to do everything but that and I need to get my head out of my ass and gear up and tell people, including myself, no. Like why am I a different person when the drugs are close? Why am I weak willed when I know there are drugs involved like how can I help THAT dude who can't say no how do I help HIM so that way I don't have to exist in this depressed hopeless state? What do I need to do and why won't I do it?! Why why why? Don't I know I have the ability to save my life? Do I even know I'm killing myself?
I'm sad and dissapointed and frustrated and hopeless.
Shelby 9/15/21 6:42am
 
So like... Idk how to write what I'm thinking but like... I think both parts of myself (the part that is sad after I relapse and the part that forgets how shitty I will feel after an impending relapse) they have to come to some kind of peace. Like the part of me that wants to get high is like holding my logical self hostage and knows it. So if I'm gonna have any shot at this recovery thing, I'm going to have to bring both sides an equal amount of peace. Idk what this means but like... See my addict self is like a young child always throwing a temper tantrum and then after he gets high, after he gets what he wants, depressed Shelby comes out, right? And depressed Shelby then gets real fucking sad and throws his own temper tantrum because he's not getting his way and life is unfair and blah blah blah.
So how do I make it fair for two completely opposite temperamental children who want it only their way or no way? Is it just asking myself what is important to me and doing that? I don't know if I actually even know what is Important to me like I plan on getting a trumpet again sometime but then like that costs so much money. I want to go back to school. I want to travel (hey my job kinda ticks this one off). Other than that I'm not even sure what I do or don't like doing. I should set some time aside to find a big list of things to do and figure out a couple things I wouldn't mind trying to see if I like those things or not. Idk... Sigh.
Shelby 9/15/21 12:13pm
 
Hi guys. I'm sucking at life right now. I'm craving so bad right now I fucking hate it. I slept and I still haven't been called to go into work yet. Ugh. I'm sure I will be called late tonight which should be fine, Butchy wootchie will be asleep for the most part and hopefully I'll be back by the time he gets up and around. I hope that my trip goes well, I've not even really been trained but thank gosh I did a real similar job a couple years ago so I know what to expect at least. Ugh... I hate the feeling of wanting to use like it's a fucking sucky feeling. I know I'll get some sobriety and be ok but damn the comedown sucks.
Shelby 9/15/21 (God September has just flown by it feels like. I'll be glad. My birthday is on the 27th and I know I'm gonna be super depressed because I wish I could be with mom) 8:55pm
 
Hi guys sitting at work right now waiting for my crew. Doing ok. Cravings aren't as bad anymore and thank God I didn't pick my face too bad this morning, I'm passable as an actual human. So I took a test earlier that just confirmed for me that I am not neurotypical I'll hopefully remember to upload it sometime soon. Anyways. I was thinking about it like all of it. The antagonizing feeling that my recovery is different than other people's, the antagonizing feeling that my addiction was different, then the feeling that my addiction would want me to believe that I am different. Idk why but I have this knack in real life to make people talk like idk if it's that I don't find regular small talk worth it like I actually really fucking hate it and so idk why but I could sit in a room with almost anybody and within minutes they are telling me all about their life: everything they love and everything that breaks their soul. I listened to the all encompassing paintings of people's lives for years in my addiction, and I'm sure I would have listened even if I wasn't in addiction and needed to be psuedo-sympathetic to get high (putting on a mask like I really cared just because I knew if I hung out I was gonna get high) but like... Idk... The problem is maybe that I did care. Like I really did way too often and idk if it was an acting my way into caring thing or what but these stories of these people, the stories of the people that had to do what they had to do to get by in a broken world, the stories of the ones who buried themselves to random events, the ones who I had to leave behind because they were so fundamentally broken... I fucking cared I fucking cared about every single one of them and idk why but I can't just fucking shake the brokenness that they showed me. Like through them, I feel broken. And it keeps me down man. And then what you're just supposed to move on and pretend like you don't care about the people who you shared the biggest struggles with killing themselves like what fucking step is that like what fucking step of AA or NA do you move on and release all the goddamn brokenness and just pretend it doesn't exist anymore? What step allows you to realize you're gonna die but makes it all ok to go through the torture of fighting your very own mind for the rest of your life?
Maybe I'm not smart enough for NA and AA.
I'm angry because I understand why people are broken and all it is out here are broken people and there's literally no point in life where it gets to be like "oh we've got it figured out how to not be broken anymore" no you just fucking wing it till you die and then that's it like there's no fucking second life this is it and it's hell. It's fucking hell. But we can pretend and all be fake happy "EVERYTHING IS AWESOME EVERYTHING IS COOL WHEN YOUR PART OF THE TEAM" but it's not fucking awesome it's all a train wreck and why would you choose to fight against your own mind living in a world where you fake being happy when it's NOT fucking awesome? :(
Shelby 9/15/21 11:41pm
 
slw0363 said:
So I took a test earlier that just confirmed for me that I am not neurotypical I'll hopefully remember to upload it sometime soon.
Click to expand...
That's a broad spectrum ^^ What is it? Schizo, ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dyspraxia, Dysnomia, Tourette, APD, OCD, Speech impairment, ... ?

In truth, the neurotypicals are the really rare ones.
But I keep calling non-autists NTs, falls under how much we love to categorize I guess. It's been "Myself, and the normal kids" from early on
 
December Flower said:
That's a broad spectrum ^^ What is it? Schizo, ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dyspraxia, Dysnomia, Tourette, APD, OCD, Speech impairment, ... ?

In truth, the neurotypicals are the really rare ones.
But I keep calling non-autists NTs, falls under how much we love to categorize I guess. It's been "Myself, and the normal kids" from early on
Click to expand...
Just aspergers and adhd. This is a good point, that NT's are the rare ones, but also it feels like the systems that are there to get people clean (rehab, NA/AA specifically) are designed and specifically for NT's like I'm having trouble navigating these programs just because there's nobody that I recognize with similar stories like I feel like it's always me and them and somehow they got clean but it must be because they were NT so how is someone like me supposed to get clean if I don't see anybody who is non-NT do it? I don't recognize myself or my stories in any of these people and it fucks me up so hard. When I say I'm faking it I'm really saying that I'm forging my story to match their stories but in reality it's like two separate ways of life.
Shelby 9/16/21 1:00am
 
slw0363 said:
Just aspergers and adhd. This is a good point, that NT's are the rare ones, but also it feels like the systems that are there to get people clean (rehab, NA/AA specifically) are designed and specifically for NT's like I'm having trouble navigating these programs just because there's nobody that I recognize with similar stories like I feel like it's always me and them and somehow they got clean but it must be because they were NT so how is someone like me supposed to get clean if I don't see anybody who is non-NT do it? I don't recognize myself or my stories in any of these people and it fucks me up so hard. When I say I'm faking it I'm really saying that I'm forging my story to match their stories but in reality it's like two separate ways of life.
Shelby 9/16/21 1:00am
Click to expand...
Please don't see being autistic as a limitation, I don't think it is. We see things that others don't, and they see things that we don't. There's plenty of people who are having a hard time with abstinence, especially if they have come to rely on their drug to feel good/OK.

Rely on yourself, you are the engine that makes your universe move. You are the only person that can get you out of this.

I'm very similar when it comes to copying behaviour. IRL I copy behaviour I have seen on other people or even movies/series/etc., since that seems like the "behaviour to have", but others seem to still see through it fairly easy.
 
Hi y'all...
You guys ever just... Feel so fucking overwhelmed by all of the thoughts going on in your head? Like there's so many thoughts all at once it's like 4 million televisions playing all at once like you can't even tune into one specific channel because the noise of the rest of the channels is drowning it out.
So...i got a notification that I should either receive my $2,000 Cherokee stimulus money either tomorrow or Monday. And right now the recovery side of me is not strong at all like I'm not even going to lie like I know I'm going to use some for drugs and I'm prepping my mind for this right now I'm telling myself that I can spend $40 on it and when it's done... When I am feigning like a little bitch and I still have $1,960 left in the bank... I literally, no matter how bad it hurts, cannot go and get more.
And it fucking sucks because I know after I get high I'm fucking powerless but still part of me is bound and determined to get fucking high how fucking goddamn stupid is that.
Ok so there's that all on it's own.
Im thinking about quitting my job that I just got. Right now I've been at work for like 8 hours and it'll probably be a good solid 12 hours before I am home and Butchy is alone at home and before you ask, I've already asked my "best friend" to watch Butchy but she refuses to because she just started a new job (my favorite part is how she rejected the offer even though I told her I would pay her for it and not only that but she didn't even take time to ask when she would be watching him she was just immediately like "no")
I get so sick of her honestly. I just called another neighbor though who told me that she would at least take him to go potty when she got home (which will be long before I get home) so at least I can feel a little better. But I just... I really hate leaving Butchy for so long, I did that in my active addiction and I promised him that he would never have to go through that again.
I love that dude. He's a good boy.
I could really use a cigarette.
I'm so tired.
Ever since my last relapse my addiction counselor friend hasn't been talking to me and I get it but I kinda miss her like honestly I've been so dissapointing to her these past few years. I sold her guitar she lent me because she wanted me to learn something in my recovery. And like it was a fucking nice guitar and it was a nice case too I felt so bad. And hy sold I don't mean actually sold I pawned it and then forgot to go get it because I had moved and then by the time I remembered it was way too late.
Fuck getting high bro I get so sick of myself.
I just Wanna go home. I miss Butchy. I miss sleep.
Idk what I'm gonna do... Actually that's bullshit I know exactly what I'm gonna do and I don't like it like I'm fucking worried like I am feeling really set up to go right back into active addiction with this $2,000 and idk what I'm gonna do about it. Y'all just buckle up because it might be about to be a real bumpy ride coming up.
Shelby 9/17/21 1:37am
 
Hi guys. I hope you're doing ok. I'm not dead... Thankfully. I mean... I don't really want to be, either, so idk why I even mentioned that. Haha. Well... Exactly what I said would happen happened and I definitely didn't stop at $60 the first night I spent $100 and then the second $120 but yeah... I think I'm good at this point. I mean... I know how fucking bad the cravings are about to be and I just willy nilly have $1,000 to my name but I have rent and a $500 pet deposit to pay. I got Butchy a few toys (like a kong) and I got me a lamp and some curtains. I'll probably end up getting a cheap blow up mattress just because I have slept on the floor (well I do lay a couple blankets down) since I moved in here. I don't need nothing nice or big just something that is more comfortable than a couple layers of blanket on a hardwood floor.

I quit my job. Like I'm not proud of it and like I keep thinking "when you're homeless, Shelby, you can thank yourself for pulling stupid moves like this" but like... Somewhere in the last couple years I've developed a bit of agoraphobia and also butchy was home alone for hours and hours and I used to do that shit to him when I was way worse in my addiction like I'd be out getting high at a friend's house for hours and hours and then I'd end up gone for 24 hours at a time and that dude didn't deserve that just like he doesn't deserve the bullshit that the job that had me gone all the time put him through. I'm going to get an at home job, the one that I didn't have an ID to take the drug test. I'm gonna use and then by the time my birthday hits (the 27th) I'm going to be clean. I'm going to tell the people (as much as I like them) that I shouldn't be around that I'll have to be distancing myself. So when we get closer I'll give myself 3 or 4 days to sleep and bitch and moan and get clean and then go take my drug test, pass, and start the new job. I also paid my very late internet bill so that way I'll have internet connectivity. I really want to pay the $99 to have an installer fix the internet hookups in my bedroom so I can convert my bedroom into an office. As it is right now, I have to be in the living room for the hard hookup to the router which is fine I'll just be happy to have a job, but every time Butchy hears someone knock or thinks he sees a squirrel out the window he barks and that will get me in trouble for sure.

Yall... I need to do laundry so bad. I am trying to not stoop myself to the level of ordering clothes just because I'm out of clean clothes but I really am almost at that point..

Well... I just want you guys to know that I'm hanging in there. Of course I'm not proud of where I am but I'm just trying to make all of this as less intense on my body as possible, if possible. But no matter what I am going to be sober for my birthday. I'm glad to have had this break but it's literally the same bullshit each time I don't know what I expect will be so difficult.

I love you guys. I will talk to you later ❤️
Shelby 9/19/21 7:20am
 
Hi guys how's it going? So... I'm already down to $1,000 and I am actually surprised how much of that WASN'T to drugs like $220 was to drugs which is actually still a lot especially because I paid someone gas money and also because I got twice instead of just one big thing.
Anyways... I'm already just fuckin over it to be honest like... I'm tired of all of it I'm tired of feeling like trash and looking like trash and ignoring everybody and making butchy sad. I've probably spent the most on Butchy I bought him a few mind engaging toys and some snacks and a new leash and I'm looking at collars.
I'm ready to try to be a better human again even if it just lasts like three days idgaf I get so goddamn tired of having less energy ON the dope than I do off the dope.
I'm gonna take Butchy out ill talk to you guys later.
Shelby 9/19/21 10:54pm
 
So like I have a question... Does anyone else struggle the same amount as I do? Like... How have I known that I wanted to get clean for like 90% of my using time but still I keep going back? Like ok here's something that has fucked me up since I first wanted to get clean idk where I heard it or when but it was basically someone telling someone else that you had to have a certain level of "want" to get clean and that honestly fucks me up so bad first off it feels like an exclusive club that I have to wait to get in to but idk what I'm waiting on or for how long and I might die before I'm done waiting. Secondly there are times I want to get clean and there are times I want to get high. Random fact about that last statement those two feelings happen interchangeably depending on if I'm high or sober. If I'm high I want to be sober and if I'm sober there are times I want to be high. There's very little amount of time that when I'm high I WANT to be high, like, when I'm high I feel morally wrong. And it's weird to think about that because I often wonder if other people feel that way about themselves.

I just sent the girl that I'm going to have to distance myself from asking her if she felt morally wrong when she uses even though that sounds like a super loaded super judgy question I just wanted to convey by asking her that I felt a lot of shame in using. I told her I would have $40 for her for more ish and like I really don't want it what I wish I'd do is give her the 40 and just smoke a little with them because in all honesty I'm inviting her over to tell her to her face that I am going to quit again (hopefully for good tbh but I'll probably tell her that I'm quitting for just the time being) and that me having distance from her literally has nothing to do with her.
And like I fucking hate it right like I'm thinking about telling her just to bring weed around instead because I don't mind weed at all I mean I don't prefer it but I'd rather have muchies than have paranoid delusion. Anyways idk what I'm going to tell her I know what I should do but life is different than that like I barely have anybody in my life and she comes around a lot just to check up on me. She helped me and Butchy have a place to sleep when my "best friend" kicked me out without a place to go.

Coincidentally I worked with her son at the last job I had selling phones. He would bring dope in and we'd smoke it in the bathroom lol. It's weird because they both don't know that the other one does dope but I've done a fair amount with both lol.

Anyways yeah... I'm ready to be done. I wish I could remember this feeling verbatim because when I want to use I don't remember feeling this way I remember the feeling like when I first started for some reason and that high just doesn't exist anymore and I shouldn't even want that feeling anymore because that feeling destroyed my life multiple times.

Shelby 9/20/21 1:59am
 
Hey guys I'm having a thought and I need some input... I'm thinking about getting a dumb/flip phone and getting rid of my phone. I don't want to get rid of my tablet... I don't want to get rid of my phone either, both are nice my phone is a Samsung Galaxy Note 10 and my tablet is a Tab s6. But like... I'm thinking of getting rid of my devices that I can download apps like grindr on. I mean... Idk... Then I think if I want to get drugs like in the moments in the past when I was really determined to get high there was no stopping me, smartphone or not, I was gonna find a way. But idk. Maybe having a dumb phone will make it slower for me to get drugs and maybe it'll give me time to change my mind from relapse to not... But thinking on the past... 99% of the time once I've decided I was going to use, I went through it. Maybe that's something I need to get more practice at is converting a need to get high to a want if that makes sense. Idk.. What do you guys think?

If I am going to get this at home job I will have a computer and idk if that's really much different than a smartphone or tablet. And plus I'm thinking about getting my own computer so I can learn how to code and maybe even start an IT career.

What do you guys think?

Shelby 9/20/21 4:17am
 
Hi guys... Okay.. Okay okay okay so I'm feeling lots and lots of anxiety. I can't stop picking. Not doing so hot. Got my ass handed to me by the landlord because I wasn't picking up butchies poop and because I had him tied up on a leash in the yard. All of this because I've been high and too in my head to go outside. I fucking hate it. It gives me so much anxiety, all of it. She saw my face scabs and I'm sure my pupils too. My eyes are blue so I always fear that when my pupils aren't the right size that it shows exceptionally. I was nice to her didn't argue with her or anything I just told her I cometely understand because I do. Like I should not have to be told to pick up my dogs poop so people don't step in them like I suck at life so bad guys like I honestly don't know how to just live a normal fucking life and I get so frustrated about it like I have people actively watching me crash over and over and over for almost the last whole decade and I've been watching myself for the same amount of time in sheer horror and like I get why people leave my life like they THINK it's because I'm choosing to get high and sure there is that aspect that if I was in a coma I wouldn't be getting high but also I don't understand why I have this other version of me that convinces the version of me that wants to be clean to be bad. I don't get it and I fucking hate it too. And people leave because they think I can just stop but they don't realize the other version of me is also me like I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of that version of me as well but for the time being the only way to permanently get rid of it is by killing both versions of me and straight up good Shelby for some reason still has hope like he's not ready to die quite yet even if the bad version of me is pretty fucking terrible. Anyways it sucks that people leave your life because they don't understand your addiction. It sucks how society views addiction in general I feel like. I don't know how I'm just supposed to survive like I can't maintain a job I'm BARELY maintaining a place to live and more importantly my fucking head isn't on straight at all... Or how you guys would put it... My sobriety isn't doing very well... And I'm just a fucking shell of a human walking through space doing the motions of it all randomly getting yelled at. I don't know what I'm doing here I don't know who I am I don't know what I like or dislike I'm scared of everything and everybody all of the fucking time I have a courage the cowardly dog tattoo on my hand to remind me to have courage but I have no goddamn idea what that even means. All of this sucks and I'm so upset because I always have this little voice in my head telling me how all the bad things that happen to me are my fault and I have nobody to blame but myself like that message is on repeat 24/7 drunk high sober it don't matter and like I could do as many good things as I want but then I would have to balance it out with something that made people think I wasn't so great because for some reason I can't just have good things like I have to hate myself to the point that other people start to hate me too and that fucks me up like I don't deserve that but that's all I've lived in my adult life at least I don't know what doing something other than that would look like or mean.
I'm so upset and tired guys. I need a nap, a cigarette, and a Dr. Pepper.
I also have this question that I have a lot... Why do I keep getting high? I fucking hate it like I hate the person it makes me I hate the stigma I hate how I am to my dog I hate the person I am to my non using friends I hate the seclusion I hate the constant overwhelming feelings I hate the skin picking I hate the paranoia.
I just want it to be over and I just so badly want the second version of me gone forever. It's costing me everything... Again. And I don't even have that much this time :(
Shelby 9/20/21 10:36am
 
So if you feel like you can’t stop getting high at this point then at Least treat getting high as a reward for yourself . Get all your real life errands chores done ; dog fed dog walked , house cleaned up , phone calls made etc then after you do all that then you can get high . That will lessen your anxiety when high you won’t be sitting there looking at a dirty house and feeling bad cause of your dog .
It’s the meth that is messing up your personality it’s such a powerful brain altering drug . I used to take adderall to clean my house and it really messed my head up for a while .
 
So like... They got me on wellbutrin and it doesn't work when I do the dope so I don't take it because the dope gives me "energy" (I put this in quotations because it's a super like disphoric chaotic energy for me) but like... Man... There's so much shame with the dope game for me lol. Like I have so much anxiety that when I try to clean I'm afraid of making too much noise and my neighbor hearing me and coming over and knocking on my door. Like he's a good guy he did nothing wrong I just can't open the door looking like this you know? Like I know he doesn't care he's just lonely and I know that loneliness is a terrible bitch when you get older, but... Idk... I just feel a lot of shame and so I guess I feel like I have to hide myself over it idk... But I mean yeah I need to do something when I have a lot of anxiety I'm glad writing is taking up some of my time but honestly I think I need a nap I'm going to try to smoke a cigarette and nap I think... Ughhh... I might smoke a little bit today when that girl comes around so I can tell her I'm going to distance myself but I'm giving their smoking device back to them like I just can't do this anymore...
Shelby 9/20/21 10:59am
 
Y'all... I just suck at life... Like... Idk I want to get my dog registered as a service animal 1 so he can go more places with me like he could have gone to rehab with me had he been a support animal secondly the pet deposit is $500 and rent goes up $20 each month. Like I feel dirty registering him now but $500 is steep and my landlord is not going to like that I did that but I feel like I have to do what's in MY best interest.


So I typed that like three hours ago... I've since looked it up and evidently service animal certification is just a made up thing. Is this true? Ugh.

I feel so stressed out about money. Idk what to do. I'm getting to that point where idk what I'm going to do like none of the options I have feels right like I think I'm going to be in trouble no matter what. I can do the $500 payment but if I do that I won't have enough money for next month's rent but if I pay the $180 for the emotions pet support thing then I can make next month's rent but is the apartment complex I live in even going to recognize butch as a support animal if I pay to "qualify" him?

I live in such a brain fog from the drugs and overwhelm all the time and my fuckin liver hurts. Idk what even about that but like I can barely lay on it.

I feel alone. And overwhelmed.

Shelby 9/20/21 6:40pm
 
Pretty sure emotional support animals are different to service animals, service animals are trained to do tasks for disabled people. There's no such qualification for emotional support dogs it's just a meaningless certificate when done online, you won't be able to to take your dog anywhere special with it. I wouldn't waste money on that, I think you need to have a doctor's note to convince landlords if you need an emotional support animal but its probably different state to state. Use the money for rent.
 
So like... I always just fucking struggle trying to say what's on my mind. Like I really don't know how to do that in real life but at least in writing I have some time to think it out. Anyways here's my biggest life struggle over the past couple years: how do you have these mental diagnosis and live life? Like... How do you get help or understanding when you don't even understand yourself? How do you get sympathy when on the other hand you are evidently not done using drugs yet? How do you get understanding when lifting yourself up off the floor take the wind out of you? How are you supposed to find a job and make rent payments when your brain fog is so strong and you feel like an empty shell of a human floating through space?

How do you just... Live life?

Because it's just me. Like.. I really shouldn't have that much independence I feel like like sure I can form sentences and I have a persona of being half put together (sometimes) but in reality I barely pay bills. I don't know how to keep focus. I keep self sabotaging.

I just read an article saying people with downs syndrome have more structure and help with their lives than someone who has aspergers or borderine. How fucked up is that? Is like they're just feeding the helpless to the wolves and telling us that if we just work a little harder it will all be OK.

Ugh

Shelby 9/20/21 7:44pm
 
Idk if I want to post this to Facebook yet or not... I'm gonna write it out. I started writing it out on Facebook but I'm going to complete it here just because this is where I go to vent.
I'm not even gonna lie... I been really sucking at life and not only that but like... I been feeling real lonely. Like... It's not that I have nobody to talk to or anything I know if I sent any of you a message you would reply, but like my actual support system has dwindled over the years. And I mean... I've realized it quite a bit, but each time I realize it the feeling gets a little more disheartening. I hate venting on Facebook.

That's what I got so far.

I'm feeling so alone. Like I know a little bit of it is a chemical imbalance but also I can tell that the support system I DO have is dwindling and it sucks like I hate ruining my life I hate sitting and watching and being mad I hate not having the answer as to how to get better I hate simultaneously knowing exactly what I should do but for some reason not doing it and then being surprised at the consequences.

I'm causing my own loneliness and I don't know how to stop.

Like... Is this it? Like there's got to be more to life right like I definitely did not sign up for this. This is not want I wanted this is not what I need. I'm so disenheartened and disgusted by my own life and I know things will get better... Or at least I hope they do... But what if they don't? This feeling feels like it's gonna last the rest of my life and it's such a heavy feeling.

The girl that I'm going to tell that I'm gonna try to get sober and don't take my distance personally hasn't showed yet and I'm supposed to get my last 40 from her. No exceptions. When that's it that's it. I'm going to be sober for my birthday. I can't believe this is my life. I said no before and I guess I didn't mean it. But I guess I never do :/

Ugh.

Shelby 9/20/21 11:42pm
 
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