How you doing Rio I kind of think it not a good idea to be talking to a friend who into drugs at the moment and I'm with chin up and you in that you kind of getting your jollies by talking about drugs with your mate. You are thinking negatively about relapsing at 52 days fuck it what's done is done what is happening at the moment is what really matters. Nearly a month clean you doing great bruv I know I just mentioned a number but I think you should just think about each day and tell yourself you will not use today the moment it got so much easier for me when I stopped thinking what day I'm on and just got on with life I had a week number 6 I would normally stumble on and it just built up so much tension that I would get to that moment and have a mental headfuck and relapse once I stopped counting I got past that time and did well. It does get easier life can be lived clean and be enjoyable I know I slipped up after a year but as I said to you before I chose to relapse on brown I could have easily fought it but just used like chin-up said it does get easier the more time you got under your belt it gets a lot easier. Don't take this in anger bruv but you mostly fuck up when you in contact with friends that are using drugs drop them until you got more time clean being around or in contact with friends that use will cause you to relapse please bruv for around six months have no contact with them also don't try getting into a relationship yet the stress of that can also cause you to relapse I said it before you got the rest of your life to do those things just think 2021 is for you to set up the foundation stone for your future a year nothing compared to the rest of your life
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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
Recovery My cliché recovery journal
- Thread starter Rio Fantastic
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Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
Thanks chinup! How is your cat doing??
Moving back to your flat could be just the clean break you need. If you set up that division in your mind to think of drinking as something you used to do at your parents and not something you do now in your flat then it could be really helpful to leave it in the past.
Thanks yuba. You are 100% right. Next time my mate calls me I'm going to tell him that I won't be speaking to him for a long time if he mentions what drugs he's on to me again, because I'm not interested. Funnily enough the mate who I used to go on benders with, the one who's flat I used to live in for a week at a time while constantly getting high - I haven't spoken to him for a long time, and he just randomly showed up at my flat yesterday. I heard a car pull up, then heard him call up to me. No phone call, text or anything. I didn't go out as I didn't recognize his voice at first and thought it may be a dealer. He called me about an hour later to ask if I wanted to hang out and tell me he's got a new car, and I found myself apologizing and saying I was taking precautions because of COVID. He then text me saying "I'm right by yours, won't you even come out to say hi?". I text him back apologizing and saying I was trying to be careful, and he left and didn't reply to me again.
I should feel good about this, and I do now, but at the time I felt guilty, like I was blanking him and being a dick. I shouldn't feel like that though! I ALWAYS use with this guy and it's not like I made arrangements with him then cancelled them! He just showed up!! Looking back I'm happy with how I dealt with it & think that on the positive side after that I doubt he will just be turning up again. If I'd have hung out with him, then that would have encouraged him and he'd probably be pulling up every time he was bored.
How have you been yuba? have you managed to stay away from the pods etc?? I'm guessing the withdrawal should be over by now??
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
I'm feeling pretty shit today. Yesterday evening my throat started killing me, then I had a really rough night. My throat was in agony and I couldn't swallow properly, and I kept waking up with my throat feeling really raw & dry and just the general malaise of illness. Fortunately, I'm pretty sure it's not COVID - my nose is stuffy, my throat is horrible and I have no energy but I don't have a cough or anything. However, I will act as if it is COVID just in case I'm getting the rarer symptoms. I figure that I'm actually pretty lucky - clearly, the precautions I was taking weren't enough, so if I had been around the coronavirus rather than just a cold I'd have probably caught it. It has shown me that I need to take more precautions - I wear a mask indoors, but I'm going to start wearing one just when I'm out and about generally, and carry hand sanitizer with me. I will wait till I'm totally recovered before going out though when I can help it. I had a pretty busy day planned with studying, a meeting - I was even gonna try going for a run, but I've written it all off since I feel crap and just need to take it easy till I feel better.
You did the right thing bruv you know how it goes they come up to yours preety soon drugs will either come out or you will get in a conversation about them and then it will start you start thinking it been nearly a month fuck it ill use just today and before you know it you back in the shit again. Real loyal pals will understand the others aint worth a wank so you not losing anything my brother . Stay strong bruv get better for your future do something with life not just fuck it up over a temporary high that not real happiness.
Im doing good feel a little shit got down to 300 mg of pregabs a day and feel tired and cold will jump tommorow then i be free i really fucked up because of pregabalin and now I nearly free. The pod and brown wd over with got enough diazepam to help with the stopping of pregabalin i never was into benzos so no chance of getting into trouble with them at one point i was taking over 5000 mg of pregabs a day i got down real quick was not easy but i feel so happy i nearly drug free never again will i come to UK without my wife i cant be trusted to be left alone in this country .
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
morning rio! i hope you're feeling better. though i'm glad its probably not COVID, and that you're taking this as a message that you are not being careful enough. i'm also glad yo'ure in a place where you can be careful cos lets face it if you were using you would probably not be taking any precautions.
my cat seems to be doing good, she is eating loads now i'm giving her extra pouch. i have spent over £100 on special food for her so it had better help! i also ideally need to get her a microchip feeder for the renal biscuits, as they would be bad for the younger cat who is still growing, but they are fucking £85!!! i need to compare the cost to her needing serious vet treatment for kidney disease though. and to my sanity, i felt so bad the other day and if she got ill and i felt like i had contributed i don't think i could ever forgive myself. still hurts though. i've bid on one on ebay but its still £55, for a cat food bowl! so glad i'm not using right now otherwise none of this would be happening and she would just be losing more and more weight probably.
you were totally right not to see that guy. well done. when i lived in france i had a city centre flat so people felt like they could come in any time and do whatever they wanted in there, i was badly anorexic at the time so my brain wasn't working and i certainly didn't have the confidence to tell people to fuck off, except when these guys were saying they were the best robbers in grenoble a couple of days after this guy had stolen my mp3 player and some cash. i wouldn't worry about blanking him and tbh if you always use with him then you need to plan not to see him again ever, no matter how hard he tries.
@yubacity well done mate! sounds like you've done super well. definitely don't come to the uk without your wife. and seriously you are lucky she puts up with all this i hope you have some nice treats planned, though under lockdown i guess its basically cooking a nice meal or something.
i woke up at 6am which sucks, but going to do a run before work, been waiting for it to get light. feeling pretty hopeful that my boyf and i are gonna be able to change our lifestyles significantly for the better. he's stuck to dry jan so far and has agreed to do some joe wicks videos with me though now hates us both for doing so.
my cat seems to be doing good, she is eating loads now i'm giving her extra pouch. i have spent over £100 on special food for her so it had better help! i also ideally need to get her a microchip feeder for the renal biscuits, as they would be bad for the younger cat who is still growing, but they are fucking £85!!! i need to compare the cost to her needing serious vet treatment for kidney disease though. and to my sanity, i felt so bad the other day and if she got ill and i felt like i had contributed i don't think i could ever forgive myself. still hurts though. i've bid on one on ebay but its still £55, for a cat food bowl! so glad i'm not using right now otherwise none of this would be happening and she would just be losing more and more weight probably.
you were totally right not to see that guy. well done. when i lived in france i had a city centre flat so people felt like they could come in any time and do whatever they wanted in there, i was badly anorexic at the time so my brain wasn't working and i certainly didn't have the confidence to tell people to fuck off, except when these guys were saying they were the best robbers in grenoble a couple of days after this guy had stolen my mp3 player and some cash. i wouldn't worry about blanking him and tbh if you always use with him then you need to plan not to see him again ever, no matter how hard he tries.
@yubacity well done mate! sounds like you've done super well. definitely don't come to the uk without your wife. and seriously you are lucky she puts up with all this i hope you have some nice treats planned, though under lockdown i guess its basically cooking a nice meal or something.
i woke up at 6am which sucks, but going to do a run before work, been waiting for it to get light. feeling pretty hopeful that my boyf and i are gonna be able to change our lifestyles significantly for the better. he's stuck to dry jan so far and has agreed to do some joe wicks videos with me though now hates us both for doing so.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
Thanks yuba. Thanks for telling me I did the right thing. I have this guilty nagging conscience over it, with part of me saying "maybe we wouldn't have even used and I'm just being a prick" but I have known the guy for 6 years and I can count the number of times we've hung out and not got high on one hand, and that's including the 3 months he lived with me. I think I would like to be friends with him again at some point, but I'm nowhere near ready for that yet. I'd need to be at least a few months clean and be in a position where I feel strong enough and confident enough in my own sobriety to know deep down that someone could put heroin in front of me and I'd turn it down. I feel really committed to sobriety, but I am not ready to test myself like that yet. Do you remember the time I had my mate over to get high one last time before he went to my friend's house to detox? I was so convinced that I wouldn't give in, then I got high on benzos and 2 days later I was back in it. I should have listened to you and chinup then, but I won't be making that mistake again.
Well done on getting off opiates again mate. What's your plan going forward? Do you think the pregabs you were taking had some part to play in your relapse? Also I'm guessing you've cut it down to 300mg because that's how much is in one capsule, but have you considered breaking a cap open and then dividing the powder inside by bombing it? That's what I'd do - 300mg is nothing compared to what you were taking, but when it comes to gabapentin I know 300mg isn't the best dose to jump off of. You could halve or even quarter that and it would probably reduce the withdrawals you have to go through. Just a thought man. Does your wife know what you're going through?
I'm really glad your cat is doing better! I bet that's a huge load off your mind. Fuck me @ the price of the special food though. Is there no cheaper alternative?? I just ask because with my mum's viszla he was diagnosed with a severe digestion problem and the vet diagnosed this food that would cost £110 a week, it was insane. My Mum bought it for a while then was told about a type of "chappie" that was basically the same but a fraction of the price, and he was totally fine switching to that. My brother's a vet, I could run it by him if you want if you tell me what she's been diagnosed with and what food the vet is giving her? Just a thought! A vet without a stake in it might have cheaper suggestions than one who is incentivised to prescribe something they'll make money off, you know?
It's wild how we've been talking on here for a relatively long time, but I'm still surprised when I hear about your old life. I didn't know you lived in France! It sounds like you've had a wild life.
I'm having the opposite issue to you at the moment! I was kept awake the other night by my sore throat and congestion so now my sleeping pattern has been a little messed up. I'm waking up around 11AM now which is 3 hours later than I'd like, but I'll have plenty time to fix it when I'm better. How's work going? Are you happy to be back??
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
I'm still ill, but the sore throat has gone which is the only symptom that really bothers me. I'm just congested now and have a headache but I can handle that. I feel like I'll be all better if not tomorrow then by the day after, definitely, and then will get back to studying & running. I'm jealous of you @chinup ! It's the perfect opportunity to run now that the temperature has gone up a bit, but I hardly have the energy to get up off the sofa let alone go running right now. I've realized though that having something else to focus on - whether that's when I encounter a tough topic in my TEFL studying or this cold - takes my mind off my cravings. I have way less urges when I have some kind of problem to work through, so I've realized that I need to find something when I'm healthy again that will take attention & focus. The self-studying is good for this, but when my aim is to just study for 90 minutes a day or whatever then that's relatively easy to do and not so absorbing, so I need to find something that actually challenges me. I'm considering trying to push myself in running when I can again, but I don't know whether to go for distance or speed. The important thing is though that I find SOMETHING to actually occupy me, not just pass the time.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
there might be a cheaper alternative to the cat food!! i have bought like a months worth which is part of the cost issue. i'm also probably overcompensating due to the guilt i feel about not caring for her properly when i was bad on crack.
she hasn't been diagnosed but her bloods for her kidneys came back close to the edge of the normal range, so i am giving her renal food to try and get them more comfortably within the normal range. if you could ask your brother what he suggests that would be very useful- she is 12, goes outdoors and is spayed. she's never had any health issues before but lost a quarter of her body weight this year which is why the vet was concerned enough to do blood tests.
how are you feeling today? i hope your cold is clearing up. do you have any berocca (or that boots own brand one, i try to have at least one a week even if i'm not sick in any way)?
i often wonder about distance vs speed- but from what i've noticed in my own running, my fitness gets much better when i push for speed, less so for distance. but i don't know if its the right type of fitness, i mostly want to be able to go on hiking holidays without dying, so i possibly should be pushing distance instead!! i think the important thing is to set goals so you can motivate yourself.
you are definitely right about having something to focus on being a big help. its why i really like having a job that involves proper brain work. though fuck me i had a stressful day yesterday i nearly bricked a 2 month old probably about £8k bioinformatics rig that belongs to my employer. luckily i posted a desperate message on facebook and someone came over and fixed i!! i didn't even have to reinstall my operating system, just when it had updated over the weekend some drivers had messed up and in trying to fix those myself i left it with 0 graphics drivers so it couldn't boot to a GUI and wasn't allowing me to boot into recovery mode to fix it. completely wasted day.
she hasn't been diagnosed but her bloods for her kidneys came back close to the edge of the normal range, so i am giving her renal food to try and get them more comfortably within the normal range. if you could ask your brother what he suggests that would be very useful- she is 12, goes outdoors and is spayed. she's never had any health issues before but lost a quarter of her body weight this year which is why the vet was concerned enough to do blood tests.
how are you feeling today? i hope your cold is clearing up. do you have any berocca (or that boots own brand one, i try to have at least one a week even if i'm not sick in any way)?
i often wonder about distance vs speed- but from what i've noticed in my own running, my fitness gets much better when i push for speed, less so for distance. but i don't know if its the right type of fitness, i mostly want to be able to go on hiking holidays without dying, so i possibly should be pushing distance instead!! i think the important thing is to set goals so you can motivate yourself.
you are definitely right about having something to focus on being a big help. its why i really like having a job that involves proper brain work. though fuck me i had a stressful day yesterday i nearly bricked a 2 month old probably about £8k bioinformatics rig that belongs to my employer. luckily i posted a desperate message on facebook and someone came over and fixed i!! i didn't even have to reinstall my operating system, just when it had updated over the weekend some drivers had messed up and in trying to fix those myself i left it with 0 graphics drivers so it couldn't boot to a GUI and wasn't allowing me to boot into recovery mode to fix it. completely wasted day.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
I'll call my brother when he's back tonight and let you know what he says. He may just say that the vet is already doing all they can, but it's still worth a try. That sound worrying about your work, but look at you! You dealt with the issue and though it may have wasted a day you presumably stayed sober/clean and just handled the problem that was in front of you. That deserves serious props! Have you given the bass a break since you've been at work ??
You've convinced me! I'll be pushing for speed when I start up again. It won't be today, though - my physical symptoms have abated like 90%, but I still just have that "blah" feeling where I'm tired out really quickly by the simplest tasks. This morning I had to go out for milk and that simple walk left me tired out. I'm pretty confident that by tomorrow I should be OK though since I hardly have any actual symptoms anymore.
I ended up talking to that friend on the phone yesterday. Before I told him that I was sober he told me that he hadn't used drugs for months and had even recently stopped smoking weed, which SHOCKED me, since this guy adores weed and has been doing it daily ever since I've known him. Even when he got into crack and then later on started dabbling in H, weed was always his first priority. I believe him since he had no incentive to lie, so because of that it's made me change my mind about seeing him. Since he sounds healthy & sober & in a good place he could actually be a positive influence, so I've decided once I'm better the next time he asks I'll probably go for a drive with him or something. I haven't got expendable friends at the moment so I'm pleased that he seems to be in a similar head space to me.
This lethargy really needs to piss off now. All I've done so far today is take a walk to the store and do just 30 minutes of studying and I feel tired out. I'm getting impatient to get back into a normal routine again!! I'm pleased that the weather is a little milder today. First time for a long while that I've woken up and haven't immediately been freezing cold and had to endure my flat being like 9 degrees until the heating kicks in, so that's nice.
I watched an amazing movie last night - "Hereditary". I'd actually seen it before but I was so high that I couldn't follow it and just nodded in and out of it, and watching it again with a clear head was awesome. It's made me want to get back into horror movies - any suggestions @chinup @yubacity ?? Either of you horror fans?
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
yes i didn't even think about doing anything other than trying to fix my computer, quite proud! and that i actually asked for help, i got super lucky the guy who fixed it used to work with me in leeds but turns out to live a 5 min drive from me now.
me and my boyf did some music practise last night- he plays bass and guitar so when we play together he very patiently tries to get me to push myself on the bass while he plays guitar. the joys of not drinking and thus being tired and moody means we can be more patient. the reason i couldn't work out that cobra skulls song is because, according to him, they recorded it out of tune, so i feel a bit better!!
how is your cold today? i hope you feel better, its boring being ill and being bored is likely to lead to using thoughts.
that is super great news about your friend. having people who've been where you've been and seen you when things were bad is really important.
i did enjoy hereditary! its a bit silly but most horror is. i really liked the witch (vvitch?) though i had to get my boyfriend to explain what had happened after we'd finished watching. we also watched the cabin in the woods recently i enjoyed that. i would be way up for watching some of the trashier horror but he is a massive film snob. he'd brought a hard drive with some supposedly great korean horror (train to busan and another) but for some reason it won't play on my TV!
me and my boyf did some music practise last night- he plays bass and guitar so when we play together he very patiently tries to get me to push myself on the bass while he plays guitar. the joys of not drinking and thus being tired and moody means we can be more patient. the reason i couldn't work out that cobra skulls song is because, according to him, they recorded it out of tune, so i feel a bit better!!
how is your cold today? i hope you feel better, its boring being ill and being bored is likely to lead to using thoughts.
that is super great news about your friend. having people who've been where you've been and seen you when things were bad is really important.
i did enjoy hereditary! its a bit silly but most horror is. i really liked the witch (vvitch?) though i had to get my boyfriend to explain what had happened after we'd finished watching. we also watched the cabin in the woods recently i enjoyed that. i would be way up for watching some of the trashier horror but he is a massive film snob. he'd brought a hard drive with some supposedly great korean horror (train to busan and another) but for some reason it won't play on my TV!
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
I also loved The Witch! Which part didn't you get?? I thought The Witch was pretty straight forward, unlike Hereditary which went right over my head the first time I tried to watch it high. It took some focus to really follow the plot developing. Those are the kind of horror films I love - atmospheric, unsettling, genuinely frightening rather than relying on cheap jump scares. A quote that stuck with me in relation to horror that I 100% agree with was "films that rely on jump scares and then claim to be frightening is like a stand up comic tickling you and then when you laugh saying he's funny". I think I recommended this to you before (was it you??? who knows, this thread is like 13,000 posts long now
) but that I never tire of recommending is "It Follows". The best horror movie I've ever seen, and just one the best films generally. If you were into The Witch and Hereditary then I'm sure you'd like It Follows. If you haven't seen it though I'd recommend going in blind. Don't look up the synopsis or anything, just start watching. That's how I watched it, and I'm really glad I did.I'm really glad to hear you're picking up the bass! When do you reckon you'll write and perform and then upload your original tribute song to the Health & Recovery crew?? Can't wait!
My cold is almost all gone. Literally the only symptom I have left is a semi-blocked nose and low energy, but it's hardly even noticeable anymore.
I know we're in lockdown, but I think the isolation is really, really bad for my mental health. I do online meetings practically everyday, but it doesn't really fill that part of me that needs social contact. I've noticed that for a couple of days I'm great to be by myself, but then it starts to get to me. When I had the cold I didn't have any cravings and wasn't even bored really - the lethargy just made me happy to sit around watching Youtube videos. Now it's passing today I've woken up and I'm having this weird perceptual experience that is hard to explain, but I immediately recognized it as having happened on previous days where I'd relapsed after a long time clean. It's just this detached feeling, where I look at the activities I fill my life with and suddenly they all seem dreadfully boring and empty. Everything seems devoid of meaning and I feel cynical, but in a way that would make it REALLY easy to relapse. Not because of overwhelming sadness, it's more like just an apathy and distaste for a sober life that really makes my sober self want to hands the reigns back over to the addict. Like "I can't give myself any joy today, maybe you'll do a better job" is the vibe.
I'd forgotten what this feels like. However, I am trying to battle against the irrational thoughts that are coming. When I think "it would be nice to use today", I remind myself of how horrific and disappointed I'll be in myself tomorrow. When I tell myself "fuck, sobriety is miserable and boring", I remind myself that I only feel like this temporarily, and that if I endure some joy will come back into my life. I'm also reminding myself that the month I've done clean REALLY isn't that long. The addict in me loves to exaggerate both the duration and the significance of the time I have sober. "I have a whole month sober!! That's forever!! You really think getting high just for today is gonna fuck everything up?"
Yes! Yes it fucking would!! That's what I'm reminding myself.
I think I'm just getting a little stir crazy. If my friend calls me today I'll probably agree to go for a drive with him or something. The way I see it is sure, it would be more responsible to stay alone, but if I stay alone and then relapse then I know for the duration of the lapse I will have 0 regard for the lockdown or the restrictions or even basic measures - I cringe and am disgusted when I think back to when I was using, and I'd put my mask on so I could get on a bus, then immediately remove it the minute I was sitting down - so I think on balance meeting one person would be preferable.
OK rant over! I'll get through this.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
i'm supposed to be working but just waiting for something to run so i might have to cut this short if it finishes before i finish writing.
do not use!!! definitely go out and see someone. honestly its way better to see one person than to risk relapsing and fucking all the precautions off. if you can't see anyone right now, phone someone. get outside too. honestly when i've been living on my own, just smiling to people as i walk past in the park has helped. though you have to pick who you smile at if you did it to me i'd give you my best fuck off stare, maybe i should stop that.
its not worth it- being clean is way less miserable and boring than using. you don't even know it would feel good and if it did feel good you'd still feel awful the next day,
my comprehension of the witch was probably hampered by my consumption of alcohol/benzos/opiates. i think i thought i understood it until the last couple of mins when black philip or whatever turned into a man and then she went to the coven and floated away. also i'm just crap at films. like it sounds really dumb but cos i have to think in my job i just don't want to think on my free time. if i'm watching tv my brain is off. so generally i like brainless pretty stuff. i'm also just bad at concentrating so even if i'm mentally engaged i will forget to listen to the words for like 10 mins and just be lost.
i will definitely check out it follows! but probably have to google what it was about after. you are completely right about films relying on jump scares being like comedians tickling you.
oh my lord a H&R tribute song would be nuts! i have only written two songs in my life- well the basslines to them then get the boyf to turn them into songs and program drums etc. they are both bangers but i think that means i get insipration like once every 17 years on average.
do not use!!! definitely go out and see someone. honestly its way better to see one person than to risk relapsing and fucking all the precautions off. if you can't see anyone right now, phone someone. get outside too. honestly when i've been living on my own, just smiling to people as i walk past in the park has helped. though you have to pick who you smile at if you did it to me i'd give you my best fuck off stare, maybe i should stop that.
its not worth it- being clean is way less miserable and boring than using. you don't even know it would feel good and if it did feel good you'd still feel awful the next day,
my comprehension of the witch was probably hampered by my consumption of alcohol/benzos/opiates. i think i thought i understood it until the last couple of mins when black philip or whatever turned into a man and then she went to the coven and floated away. also i'm just crap at films. like it sounds really dumb but cos i have to think in my job i just don't want to think on my free time. if i'm watching tv my brain is off. so generally i like brainless pretty stuff. i'm also just bad at concentrating so even if i'm mentally engaged i will forget to listen to the words for like 10 mins and just be lost.
i will definitely check out it follows! but probably have to google what it was about after. you are completely right about films relying on jump scares being like comedians tickling you.
oh my lord a H&R tribute song would be nuts! i have only written two songs in my life- well the basslines to them then get the boyf to turn them into songs and program drums etc. they are both bangers but i think that means i get insipration like once every 17 years on average.
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
As long as you pay attention to the first like 10 minutes of It Follows then you won't have to look up the plot afterwards, I promise. It's a pretty simple but unique premise. I'm actually jealous of the fact you get to watch it for the first time!! Seriously, it's amazing. The story line & premise is original & gripping, the cinematography is just beautiful & it makes like 90% of all the other horror films I've ever seen look terrible.
Once every 17 years?? hmm, how long ago was it you wrote your last song?? How many years till we get the H&R anthem?
I won't relapse today. I can identify it's the type of day emotionally (and literally with this shitty weather) where I'd have relapsed in the past, but I've been preparing for days much worse than this. It's just a little emptiness. I think I'm gonna mediate now and then go for a run. If my friend calls me again I'll meet him, but I have this hang up where I won't actually arrange to see people when I'm in a bad mood since I don't want to inflict my negativity on them if you know what I mean? I feel like I can't hide my cynicism and it doesn't seem fair to inflict it on people around me, and I am not very good at "putting on a happy face".
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
the boyf has greenlighted It Follows (and the next film by the same director), he is a major film snob so i wasn't sure, and even though its my house and my tv i would feel a bit snide watching a film he actively didn't want to and also he would just complain or huff and puff through it so it would be annoying.
lol i wrote my last song a couple of months back so it may be a long wait!! i might try and get my boyf to play guitar and we'll just jam through a few songs, cos i realised it would sound weird with just the bass. i will have to practise not looking at the fret board and looking bored as fuck cos that is an essential part of being a bass player as far as i can tell.
i very much hope you did not relapse today! and that you found something fun to occupy the time, difficult as that is right now.
totally get you about not wanting to subject people to yourself when even you can't stand yourself. i feel the same often, and i don't think i'd arrange somthing while i was feeling shitty. but if i already have something arranged i will do it cos technically the person decided they wanted to spend time with me and i should respect that decision, and i know it will make me feel better. did you manage to get out for a run or a walk at least?
lol i wrote my last song a couple of months back so it may be a long wait!! i might try and get my boyf to play guitar and we'll just jam through a few songs, cos i realised it would sound weird with just the bass. i will have to practise not looking at the fret board and looking bored as fuck cos that is an essential part of being a bass player as far as i can tell.
i very much hope you did not relapse today! and that you found something fun to occupy the time, difficult as that is right now.
totally get you about not wanting to subject people to yourself when even you can't stand yourself. i feel the same often, and i don't think i'd arrange somthing while i was feeling shitty. but if i already have something arranged i will do it cos technically the person decided they wanted to spend time with me and i should respect that decision, and i know it will make me feel better. did you manage to get out for a run or a walk at least?
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
how you doing today rio? feeling better than yesterday i hope.
Thanks chin up you right don't know how my wife has stuck with me all these years bug without her I be dead or in an arraigned marriage deeply unhappy. I woke up today 2nd day without any drug inside me and feel over the moon I hate being addicted the thought of knowing something controls my life so completely and I swear I never come to UK without my wife. Cooked my wife's chicken biriyani today it's her favorite. I thinking of how to show my wife what she means to me but dont know what to do i could get her jewelry but that not really doing it that only me spending money . Im going to wait until this virus is over but it has to be somthing to show her how lucky i feel to have a women like her be my wife.
Keep up on the exercise mate it such a mood lift and helps repair our bodies after all the shit we put it through. As soon as the weakness from the pregab wd gone I'm going to be running and doing bag work every day plus once back in states do weights as well, Have a good week its snowing up north again did you get any again
Edit i said without any drug i am taking some diazepam to keep anxiety and restlessness of pregab wd but will only use for 7 days and have never had any addiction to benzos dont see the point of them they just knock me out am splitting a 10 mg in half a few times a day 20 mg max a day they doing the trick but just about
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I remember that my brother me and chinup proberly both knew what was going to happen and when you did not come on here for a while we knew what happened. I'm of the pregabs now the second day the weakness and cold feeling are there but pregabs wd are easier good because you feel shit for about a week and then it just lifts no paws atleast for me. I am really weak and the world feels black and my wife watching CNN all day don't help both our families democrat we voted for Biden and watching this maniac trump wreak the country lately makes it depressing I don't trust any politician but trumps links to these crazy nutjobs is there for all to see.
I jumped off the pregabs at 300mg I cant taper if I get a little taste I want more. The diazepam is controlling the anxiety but will stop them by next week bruv for a few days about a month ago I had got up to 7000 mg fuck me I totally lost the plot I brought a shit load as soon as I got back that was the problem. Let me tell you rio if we want to be clean we have to abstain for good for a year I had got away with having a blast now and again doing a few lines here and there using pregabs for the comedown it all seemed controllable but I really believe now that people like us cant dabble we will turn back to our drug of choice opium. For one year I did that and had it under control but in the end where did I end up addicted to pregabalin and opium including brown. My wife knew everything not ho high my dose of pregabalin was she would have panicked and had me put in the hospital and for a while, I was shit scared at what I was doing my body would twitch all the time I would not eat for days because that ruin the pregab buzz then the brown and pods on top of that I can honestly say this the worse I been since my teenage years but the love of my wife she did not leave me this fucking women how the fuck did I land her beauty but above that a heart of gold. Once back in the states I will talk to a professional to help find out why I can't be happy with all I got. What I wanted from the old man I never got and can never have because he no longer here but he always there in my withdrawals always the wanting but never getting but he not the reason I use that would be an easy cop-out.I use because I like the calm the feeling of calm and I like the feeling I get when I have a blast and hold it in or snorting a massive fucking line of coke or crank or the feeling any drug gives me. You know the feeling of when you score some crack and you got some brown I drive like a mad man on the way home to use nothing gives me that excitement and i going to need help to live a life without that because I have to stop being a selfish prick . I am going to read the thread over last few days and pray you and chinup still doing good hoping you not gone missing and still clean because you still young have a good caring heart and just have to get to a few months and then move ahead from there maybe some bumps along road but still getting to where someone with a heart and brain which you have needs to be not stuck in same shit of addiction
Rio bruv in the beginning sober life does feel fucking boring but that just in the first few months everything that a normal person might look forward to or enjoy to you will feel boring as fuck. But soon you will start looking forward to a meal or a movie coming out and start to enjoy it this boredom is what makes us relapse you will get past itI also loved The Witch! Which part didn't you get?? I thought The Witch was pretty straight forward, unlike Hereditary which went right over my head the first time I tried to watch it high. It took some focus to really follow the plot developing. Those are the kind of horror films I love - atmospheric, unsettling, genuinely frightening rather than relying on cheap jump scares. A quote that stuck with me in relation to horror that I 100% agree with was "films that rely on jump scares and then claim to be frightening is like a stand up comic tickling you and then when you laugh saying he's funny". I think I recommended this to you before (was it you??? who knows, this thread is like 13,000 posts long now
I'm really glad to hear you're picking up the bass! When do you reckon you'll write and perform and then upload your original tribute song to the Health & Recovery crew?? Can't wait!
My cold is almost all gone. Literally the only symptom I have left is a semi-blocked nose and low energy, but it's hardly even noticeable anymore.
I know we're in lockdown, but I think the isolation is really, really bad for my mental health. I do online meetings practically everyday, but it doesn't really fill that part of me that needs social contact. I've noticed that for a couple of days I'm great to be by myself, but then it starts to get to me. When I had the cold I didn't have any cravings and wasn't even bored really - the lethargy just made me happy to sit around watching Youtube videos. Now it's passing today I've woken up and I'm having this weird perceptual experience that is hard to explain, but I immediately recognized it as having happened on previous days where I'd relapsed after a long time clean. It's just this detached feeling, where I look at the activities I fill my life with and suddenly they all seem dreadfully boring and empty. Everything seems devoid of meaning and I feel cynical, but in a way that would make it REALLY easy to relapse. Not because of overwhelming sadness, it's more like just an apathy and distaste for a sober life that really makes my sober self want to hands the reigns back over to the addict. Like "I can't give myself any joy today, maybe you'll do a better job" is the vibe.
I'd forgotten what this feels like. However, I am trying to battle against the irrational thoughts that are coming. When I think "it would be nice to use today", I remind myself of how horrific and disappointed I'll be in myself tomorrow. When I tell myself "fuck, sobriety is miserable and boring", I remind myself that I only feel like this temporarily, and that if I endure some joy will come back into my life. I'm also reminding myself that the month I've done clean REALLY isn't that long. The addict in me loves to exaggerate both the duration and the significance of the time I have sober. "I have a whole month sober!! That's forever!! You really think getting high just for today is gonna fuck everything up?"
Yes! Yes it fucking would!! That's what I'm reminding myself.
I think I'm just getting a little stir crazy. If my friend calls me today I'll probably agree to go for a drive with him or something. The way I see it is sure, it would be more responsible to stay alone, but if I stay alone and then relapse then I know for the duration of the lapse I will have 0 regard for the lockdown or the restrictions or even basic measures - I cringe and am disgusted when I think back to when I was using, and I'd put my mask on so I could get on a bus, then immediately remove it the minute I was sitting down - so I think on balance meeting one person would be preferable.
OK rant over! I'll get through this.
Rio bruv how you doing you not been on here for a couple of days hope you ok. Rio if you did relapse it only been a couple of days if you stop now you will not feel to bad mentally and physically just feel a little cold-like symptoms hope im wrong