Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[Rio Fantastic]

happy new year rio! that sucks about your gf. i do agree that while the requests are reasonable, the timing is abominable. i'm glad you dealt with it though. it may be worth just blocking her if you're not over her. its harsh but i had to do it with one of my exes, every time he added a female friend i'd be convinced he'd slept with her (he was still kinda stringing me along with 'friends with benefits' style arrangement) and it hurt too much.

it sounds like you've used your time very productively, i'm impressed! you should keep a copy of what you've written here, especially about relapse and complacency and stuff. its so easy. its basically what got me onto problem drinking again too. definitely keep up the level of work you're doing now, its way way way too early to stop. recovery took more time than a full time job for me for about the first 9 months, basically until i started an actual full time job again. between NA, CGL, Buddhist centre, gym, therapy, recovery related reading. i didn't have time to use and i was putting in the groundwork of learning how to cope with feelings, regain my parents trust, address some very deep seated issues and i think that having put in that amount of effort for that long is what enabled me to maintain long term recovery.

the 12 steps aversion to maintenence pisses me off too- and i've heard old timers be pretty disingenuous about it 'i went to get help for opiates and they just prescribed me opiates!' making it sound utterly retarded when they must know, through meeting people on it in the rooms, that it can be a massively helpful step in getting your life back together. i would just ignore shit like that though tbh, really do take what's useful and leave the rest. i needed something as hardline as NA in early recovery and still do meetings though much less now its all on zoom. anything that didn't tell me i needed to completely abstain from all drugs would just have given me enough wiggle room to justify using. now i trust my own judgement a bit more and have more insight into my thought processes so i feel much more comfortable completely discounting a lot of what they say in NA but my experience with trying what seemed a few months back like a moderate alternative to complete abstinence and ending up stuck in a cycle of daily substance use that i don't enjoy again gives me a lot more sympathy with them.

You're the best Katie. I'm really glad that someone agrees that it was kinda fucked up her asking that when she did!! As soon as I've paid her back what I owe her I'll tell her that I wish her the best and block her. I'm trying not to be resentful because I know that to any objective person they would side with her - she didn't sign up to be in a relationship with a drug addict after all, and then after I told her the truth she thought she could handle it but obviously she didn't fully understand the reality of what that would entail until it was happening. Sounds like you made the right move blocking that guy. Whenever a guy tells you he just wants to sleep with you but assures you that you may get into a relationship in the future, you should run a mile if a FWB thing isn't what you're looking for because you can be pretty sure if they wanted to be in a relationship then they would be your boyfriend, not just your fuck buddy.

Good idea about writing out my realizations. Think I'll write them out and pin them up in my room so I don't forget it. How are you doing with the drinking?? How was your New Years Eve? Also, I've been rotating between SMART, Refuge Recovery & LifeRing. Unlike NA vs SMART for example which have entirely contradictory principles, all 3 of those groups complement each other, with none of them claiming sole authority over recovery and none of them elaborating on principles that another group then contradicts (e.g. NA: "We are powerless" vs SMART: "We have the power to change"). Since you've been interested in Buddhism/meditation, have you tried Refuge? If you're like me and you like some of NA but aren't on board 100% then maybe RR would speak to you too??

When it comes to living life on life's terms, I have had the fantasy of moderate use for a long time. I know better now than to try it, though part of my mind tells me that if I had the resources to be able to care for myself properly after say a 1 or 2 day lapse (with vitamins, benzos, healthy food etc), actually planned out the lapse while I was well so it was arranged and time-bound from the start, and was seriously committed to limiting it, then who's to say it wouldn't work? The thing is with every single lapse I've had then picking up that first dose was already me throwing in the towel. If I'm trying to stay sober and then decide to go get high then I'm starting the lapse with a failure in willpower and a loss of self-control. If I had a year sober and planned it out, I wonder if it would be any different. I think if you are trying to get clean then most of the time when you use it will be out of some kind of negative emotion - out of depression or boredom or stress, and under those circumstances it will be difficult if not impossible to moderate. I wonder if instead we used from a place of relative well-being just to experience the high and put in the planning & preparation if we could retain self-control? It's probably just a fantasy and not practically implementable, but I do find myself wondering.

However, I stop myself from going down that road by reminding myself I'd need a LONG time sober before trying that - like a year, at least - and that after a year clean if everything was going well, then why would I need to use anyway??

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I'm feeling better in myself today. It's day 18, but like I said, I am continually reminding myself of how little time 18 days is - or for that matter 40 days or even 3 months. If I get to summer and I'm still clean then maybe I can relax a little on the recovery work, but till then it's just like you said @chinup - recovery is my full-time job & if I don't put the hours in then the drug addict in me is just waiting to emerge.

 

[yubacity]

I'm feeling better in myself today. It's day 18, but like I said, I am continually reminding myself of how little time 18 days is - or for that matter 40 days or even 3 months. If I get to summer and I'm still clean then maybe I can relax a little on the recovery work, but till then it's just like you said @chinup - recovery is my full-time job & if I don't put the hours in then the drug addict in me is just waiting to emerge.

Rio bruv even a year in you will still get times you want to do gear but most of the emotional shit that happens during recovery will be gone. Soon you will be watching something on your laptop and you will find something funny and lol then you will know that you becoming a normal person. It takes time my brother but you will get better but you need time.I think it a life sentance each setback in life will trigger a thought of using but the more time you got the better it is. This relapse i had after a year in could have been easily stopped but i not want to i wanted to get back on the gear more time you got the easier it is not to give in and use. how much do you owe this girl

Shit i just read chin up post where she said after a year in if everything going well why would she want to use. I not mean after a year i relapse because to counter chinup. I was just telling you rio how we will get times we crave even after year not trying to counter your post chinup mate

 

[Jabberwocky]

oh yes def pay your ex back before blocking her, part of 'emotional sobriety' is doing the right thing. i'm glad you've upped your recovery work and are in it for the long haul. the combination of meetings you've found sounds great. i haven't done refuge recovery but i've been doing a buddhist recovery meeting run by my local buddhist centre which is really nice. i suspect they are quite similar- is it refuge as in going for refuge to the dharma (and in my centre, i'm not sure for all types of buddhism but in triratna, also the sangha and the buddha)? i will have the opportunity over the next few months to discuss about doing the 'next stage' at my centre, which is basically a course that takes like 4 years of meetings most weeks plus work on the side. so its a big decision, i feel like i need to decide whether i'm actually a buddhist. i feel like everything i have done through that centre has been good for my soul, but if i went for that i would trim other recovery stuff right back so as not to be overloaded. though its not really in conflict with recovery because one of the precepts of buddhism is to abstain from substances that cloud the mind.

@yubacity is completely right that by a year into recovery, most of the emotional rollercoaster associated with readjusting the brain to sobriety is over. there are then the rollercoasters that life throws at you and that's when you have to dig deep into the toolbox you've made.

i think it is very different thinking about picking up when you're over a year in. firstly you can fight it much better. i know i caved eventually but last year i made it from january to late march wanting to use almost all the time, that is 3 months of fighting. i was walking twice a day past a spot i've seen people waiting to score at loads of times, and there weren't really other routes i could walk to work. i was crying so much. i don't know what the final straw was in the end that made me fuck it off, but i do know lockdown was imminent which meant that i would be going to my parents so it somehow became safer to use. then it just knocked me out and was overall shit anyway.

i also think the big difference is that after a long time off, you are not using as a kneejerk conditioned response. you have got past that stage and are able to consider it more fully.

gah i'm back working tomorrow. not done any of the stuff i wanted to with my time off but spent a lot of time with my family which was nice.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Rio bruv even a year in you will still get times you want to do gear but most of the emotional shit that happens during recovery will be gone. Soon you will be watching something on your laptop and you will find something funny and lol then you will know that you becoming a normal person. It takes time my brother but you will get better but you need time.I think it a life sentance each setback in life will trigger a thought of using but the more time you got the better it is. This relapse i had after a year in could have been easily stopped but i not want to i wanted to get back on the gear more time you got the easier it is not to give in and use. how much do you owe this girl

Shit i just read chin up post where she said after a year in if everything going well why would she want to use. I not mean after a year i relapse because to counter chinup. I was just telling you rio how we will get times we crave even after year not trying to counter your post chinup mate

It's not a lot of money anymore. She lent me like £200 over the course of the relationship, but there's only £40 left now and I'll be able to clear that on Friday, so it's not a big deal. I don't know why she made a point of asking about it on New Years Eve. Maybe she just wants some attention? Or was trying to provoke a response?? I guess its possible she really did just want to remind me and its a coincidence that she messages me at like 11 on New Years Eve, but then she made a point of ignoring me saying happy new year, so I don't know. I'm looking forward to just being able to pay her back and leave it behind, and I've learnt my lesson - I won't be ready for a relationship after only 6 weeks sober!!

I totally get where you're coming from. I know it would be unrealistic to expect not to have using thoughts. I'm just looking forward to when they are just occasional random thoughts rather than intense cravings that make me feel agitated, excited etc.

How is your WD going dude??

oh yes def pay your ex back before blocking her, part of 'emotional sobriety' is doing the right thing. i'm glad you've upped your recovery work and are in it for the long haul. the combination of meetings you've found sounds great. i haven't done refuge recovery but i've been doing a buddhist recovery meeting run by my local buddhist centre which is really nice. i suspect they are quite similar- is it refuge as in going for refuge to the dharma (and in my centre, i'm not sure for all types of buddhism but in triratna, also the sangha and the buddha)? i will have the opportunity over the next few months to discuss about doing the 'next stage' at my centre, which is basically a course that takes like 4 years of meetings most weeks plus work on the side. so its a big decision, i feel like i need to decide whether i'm actually a buddhist. i feel like everything i have done through that centre has been good for my soul, but if i went for that i would trim other recovery stuff right back so as not to be overloaded. though its not really in conflict with recovery because one of the precepts of buddhism is to abstain from substances that cloud the mind.

@yubacity is completely right that by a year into recovery, most of the emotional rollercoaster associated with readjusting the brain to sobriety is over. there are then the rollercoasters that life throws at you and that's when you have to dig deep into the toolbox you've made.

i think it is very different thinking about picking up when you're over a year in. firstly you can fight it much better. i know i caved eventually but last year i made it from january to late march wanting to use almost all the time, that is 3 months of fighting. i was walking twice a day past a spot i've seen people waiting to score at loads of times, and there weren't really other routes i could walk to work. i was crying so much. i don't know what the final straw was in the end that made me fuck it off, but i do know lockdown was imminent which meant that i would be going to my parents so it somehow became safer to use. then it just knocked me out and was overall shit anyway.

i also think the big difference is that after a long time off, you are not using as a kneejerk conditioned response. you have got past that stage and are able to consider it more fully.

gah i'm back working tomorrow. not done any of the stuff i wanted to with my time off but spent a lot of time with my family which was nice.

To be honest I have no idea about the specifics of Refuge. I've only done 3 sessions and none of them went into any real Buddhist theory - it's more like an NA meeting but subtract references to God and add a guided meditation. I've been to a few afternoon classes at the local Buddhist place ("temple"? monastery? center?) back in the pre-Covid days, but they were courses like "How to use meditation to stop anxiety" etc rather than going into any proper Buddhist theory or expounding on the core Buddhist principles. You seem to know a lot more about it than I do - where did you learn about it??

Just wondering, are you still divided about whether or not you want to stop drinking?? Have you been sober these past couple days?

I can relate about long experiences in sobriety of wanting to use. When I went to rehab, the first 5 months was great, but then the final 2 months I got really depressed & started fantasizing about using all the time. Looking back, I think it's because I was in their for too long, and it started right after the really good friends I'd made in rehab left. I'd been through the whole 5 months with them, but because they started a month earlier they finished earlier, and I think having the social support system suddenly gone combined with going into winter and having no direction in life meant that rehab went from the positive, transformative experience it was for the first 5 months into a place where I felt trapped. It also happened to correlate with the time where my council funding ran out, but I was allowed to stay in the rehab another 3 months in the final "tertiary" stage and pay them rent, but that meant that my gym membership also was gone, so I think just all those factors together made fertile ground for cravings to turn to fantasy to turn to reality.

When you look back at that period January - March, do you think there's anything you could have done differently to have stayed clean?? For a long time I figured that my relapse after 7 months was inevitable, but looking back there are a bunch of things I should have done to stay clean.

Oh God, how do you feel about going back to work? I'm actually so glad the cinema is still closed, it's literally the last thing I'd want to go to work right now.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I'm feeling alright today. I've been nauseous all morning for no apparent reason, which just seems to happen to me randomly after I get clean. It's starting to clear a bit now though. Gonna force myself to go see my friend in a little while because I've been by myself for a couple days and I can't let myself isolate. When I got a month clean last April in the first lock down I used the lockdown to justify completely isolating myself for almost the entire time. I didn't do any zoom meetings, just text ones, I didn't return my friends calls, I hardly saw anybody and I feel like that had a big part to play in why I ended up using in the end. I think it's no coincidence when I lapse after a period of isolation, then spend the whole time using with people - whether that be my friends or another user. I think I get depressed & inside myself, then use and all the apprehension & sadness is removed and then I want to be around people while I'm free of self-doubt. I need to make sure I don't get into that position again by not letting myself isolate in the first place! It will also help this feeling I'm getting of every day being the same which is really starting to annoy me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i learned about buddhism at the buddist centre- and ours is just called a centre but inside it we have shrine rooms. they do loads of courses and i've really enjoyed them.

i know i should stop drinking completely but still don't want to! i'm gonna see how i feel come feb.

i gotta go cos my mum's bugging me but will write more later.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i honestly don't know if i could have done anything to avoid using. i suspect if i actually went through my posts from that time i could work it out but it seems like a lot of effort while i'm pretty sure i'll never want to use heroin again. if i get to a point where maybe i do want to use, then i will put the effort in and see. i know i was super stressed at work with my boss being abusive and having been lead to believe i'd get a pay rise when my contract was renewed, he started umming and ahhhing about even renewing my contract. under financial pressure due to my housemate leaving, very busy with possibly actually too many recovery activities + attempting to have a social life.

isolation really is a bastard. sad thing about using with people is they are not fun people and they usually have zero topics of conversation outside their habits. you'd do better to see actually decent people, just go for a walk with them or whatever, than get to the point where isolation drives you to use, then use.

i totally get what you say about every day feeling the same. i think thats part of what drove me to get stupid about drinking. fucking lockdown. i still haven't found anything to break the monotony, but i've set myself a goal of learning a few really fun songs on bass by the end of january so hopefully that will help.

i'm kinda looking forward to going back to work just not having to get up!! the project i'm working on is super exciting and we are hoping to have a prototype ready by march (another reason not to drink!) and i would be so chuffed if i can make a meaningful contribution to it. i basically feel like if i could work maybe 30 hours instead of 40 i'd enjoy my life way more, but i can't afford to do that.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

i honestly don't know if i could have done anything to avoid using. i suspect if i actually went through my posts from that time i could work it out but it seems like a lot of effort while i'm pretty sure i'll never want to use heroin again. if i get to a point where maybe i do want to use, then i will put the effort in and see. i know i was super stressed at work with my boss being abusive and having been lead to believe i'd get a pay rise when my contract was renewed, he started umming and ahhhing about even renewing my contract. under financial pressure due to my housemate leaving, very busy with possibly actually too many recovery activities + attempting to have a social life.

isolation really is a bastard. sad thing about using with people is they are not fun people and they usually have zero topics of conversation outside their habits. you'd do better to see actually decent people, just go for a walk with them or whatever, than get to the point where isolation drives you to use, then use.

i totally get what you say about every day feeling the same. i think thats part of what drove me to get stupid about drinking. fucking lockdown. i still haven't found anything to break the monotony, but i've set myself a goal of learning a few really fun songs on bass by the end of january so hopefully that will help.

i'm kinda looking forward to going back to work just not having to get up!! the project i'm working on is super exciting and we are hoping to have a prototype ready by march (another reason not to drink!) and i would be so chuffed if i can make a meaningful contribution to it. i basically feel like if i could work maybe 30 hours instead of 40 i'd enjoy my life way more, but i can't afford to do that.

That's really positive that you are sure you never want to use heroin again. I agree - if ever you notice a chink in that mental armor, even if it just shifts slightly from "I will never do it again" to "Maybe one day", then that will require your urgent attention!! We both know how quickly a maybe can turn to us using in the blink of an eye, leaving us wondering what the fuck happened and beating ourselves up for failing again. Would it be accurate to say you don't want to stop drinking but you want to want to stop?

I did go and see my friend yesterday. I only stayed for a couple of hours, but actually had a really good time catching up with him. He has genuinely quit drinking (he was drinking 100cl of dark rum a day!) and seems really motivated & happy and that vibe rubbed off on me. I really like seeing people who are enjoying themselves sober - it inspires me. That's why I didn't like NA so much - maybe I was at the wrong meetings, but I found that either they were just going over war stories with very little focus on the present, being totally serious & somber & doom & gloom or were like 20 years clean and still obsessed with the period of their life where they were a drug addict. If I had 20 years clean and I was still going to 5 meetings a week and my entire life still revolved around the few years I took heroin then I'd feel like what even is the point of recovery?

I'm glad that work is something positive for you. How was your first day back? Learning some songs on the bass sounds like an awesome way to pass some time! You should upload them to youtube and share them on here!! Do you take requests?

 

[Rio Fantastic]

My day today hasn't been great. No cravings or urges thankfully but I just woke up feeling nauseous and bloated and shitty. I think it's because I managed to get through an entire tub of Heroes chocolates by myself last night - I gave myself a reprieve from healthy eating over Christmas & I think that really has to stop now since my body is letting me know that it's not appreciated. I also haven't exercised since boxing day since the gyms are closed & its too icy outside to run, and I've always hated body weight exercises. I'm really noticing the effect not doing it is having on me though, so I think if the ice doesn't clear up by tomorrow I'm going to have to force myself to do a home workout just to get some endorphins flowing.

I'm 20 days clean today, but I've noticed that I'm just in that headspace at the moment where all my thoughts are tending to the negative and it's really difficult to try and be positive about anything. Thankfully I do have plans for today though - I'm tutoring my friend's daughter again this afternoon for the first time in a month or so, so that will hopefully take my mind off of pointless rumination and negativity. At the moment what's getting me through it is thinking about how good it will feel tonight to tick off another day and have officially done twenty whole days clean, having got through the historically difficult period around 14 days. My next "milestone" is 42 days, and if I beat that it will be the longest I've done since this time exactly a year ago, when I went to February 3rd with 52 days clean. It will be so depressing & deflating to lapse, so I'm keeping that in mind whenever my inner addict starts trying to lie to me, and it's been helpful.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i'm sorry your day hadn't been great. it probably is all the chocolate! its so easy especially when you're deprived of all other 'fun stuff' (that actually isn't even fun) to just let yourself overindulge. i'm having the same issue re exercising. i've done the odd joe wicks video but not the past couple of days. i intended to do some exercise today but on 4 hours sleep my body doesn't work and i don't care about not being fat. not exercising and eating shit will have had an impact on your mood, even getting outside for 10 mins each day would do you good.

ha i would never upload me playing the bass to youtube i'm awful!! the first song i'm gonna learn is never be a machine by cobra skulls catchy as fuck pop punk and though its a cliche i really was just a machine when i was on the dark and light. i might do this one next just stupid, catchy and fun but pushing myself because i've been stuck in a rut of just playing the same stuff all the time and these are a bit more technical than what i usually play.

i'm so glad about your friend!! hopefully you can support each other now. and i get what you mean about some meetings- i've noticed a tendency with men in particular to do the same share about their using every week its boring as fuck. i think war stories are important for the newcomer. the first meeting i went to in rehab a guy shared about picking up a needle off the street and shooting up in front of his mum on the way to rehab, and i thought 'well i would NEVER do that so if he can do it so can i' but i do think there has to be a message of recovery, i'm more interested in that these days. i feel the same about the old timers who are going all the time. i think they are doing a really heavy interpretation of 'we keep what we have by giving it away' but it doesn't exactly give one hope for long term recovery. when i was using i was like 'i am not going to meetings forever to talk about doing drugs when i'm not even doing any drugs' and now i've realised i do need some meetings, just not necessarily NA.

well done on 20 days clean. remember to just keep it in the day. if you get a craving, another 22 days to get to your next milestone will feel depressingly far off. then it might feel so close that you can bargain with yourself to just get there and then you can 'reward yourself' with going right back to square one and feeling all the regret and self hatred of those early days again, though your brain obviously won't advertise it like that- it'll convince you this time will be fun.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

i'm sorry your day hadn't been great. it probably is all the chocolate! its so easy especially when you're deprived of all other 'fun stuff' (that actually isn't even fun) to just let yourself overindulge. i'm having the same issue re exercising. i've done the odd joe wicks video but not the past couple of days. i intended to do some exercise today but on 4 hours sleep my body doesn't work and i don't care about not being fat. not exercising and eating shit will have had an impact on your mood, even getting outside for 10 mins each day would do you good.

ha i would never upload me playing the bass to youtube i'm awful!! the first song i'm gonna learn is never be a machine by cobra skulls catchy as fuck pop punk and though its a cliche i really was just a machine when i was on the dark and light. i might do this one next just stupid, catchy and fun but pushing myself because i've been stuck in a rut of just playing the same stuff all the time and these are a bit more technical than what i usually play.

i'm so glad about your friend!! hopefully you can support each other now. and i get what you mean about some meetings- i've noticed a tendency with men in particular to do the same share about their using every week its boring as fuck. i think war stories are important for the newcomer. the first meeting i went to in rehab a guy shared about picking up a needle off the street and shooting up in front of his mum on the way to rehab, and i thought 'well i would NEVER do that so if he can do it so can i' but i do think there has to be a message of recovery, i'm more interested in that these days. i feel the same about the old timers who are going all the time. i think they are doing a really heavy interpretation of 'we keep what we have by giving it away' but it doesn't exactly give one hope for long term recovery. when i was using i was like 'i am not going to meetings forever to talk about doing drugs when i'm not even doing any drugs' and now i've realised i do need some meetings, just not necessarily NA.

well done on 20 days clean. remember to just keep it in the day. if you get a craving, another 22 days to get to your next milestone will feel depressingly far off. then it might feel so close that you can bargain with yourself to just get there and then you can 'reward yourself' with going right back to square one and feeling all the regret and self hatred of those early days again, though your brain obviously won't advertise it like that- it'll convince you this time will be fun.

I love Pop Punk! This song is catchy as fuck.

You could upload it and just make it private! Wait till you think you're half decent first I guess haha.

Great point about staying in the present. I'm going to keep reminding myself of that. I've been thinking about the past a lot the past couple of days, especially the relationship. I keep getting torn between resentment at her for saying she wanted to stay by me and then changing her mind and guilt over what I put her through, neither of which is healthy. It's getting easier though - I think this is just all the emotions coming out that I blocked with drugs after we broke up. I immediately jumped back into using heavily straight after we split up, and as a result remember being surprised that I didn't care at all, and I convinced myself at the time it was because I was never that into her, but it was just the drugs making me numb. I am actively practicing just mentally wishing her the best and trying to move past it.

Was planning on going for a jog today, but the council have sent some workers to paint the shared hallways of my building and I've been listening to one of them just fucking cough constantly. I've been sitting here just getting myself infuriated that this selfish prick won't isolate with a cough like that, and has instead come to his job at my building to cough his germs all over the place. Even if there's a reason for it that isn't corona, if you have another condition making you cough then how would you know if you did get the virus? I'm reminding myself I can't control things like this, and I'll just stay in until he's gone. Gonna do a SMART meeting later on today. My emotions have been all over the place today. It's only like 2PM and already today I've been upbeat & positive first thing and then kind of sad & down and then really angry and resentful. Think I'm going to do some meditation to try and get my head together.

 

[yubacity]

I love Pop Punk! This song is catchy as fuck.

You could upload it and just make it private! Wait till you think you're half decent first I guess haha.

Great point about staying in the present. I'm going to keep reminding myself of that. I've been thinking about the past a lot the past couple of days, especially the relationship. I keep getting torn between resentment at her for saying she wanted to stay by me and then changing her mind and guilt over what I put her through, neither of which is healthy. It's getting easier though - I think this is just all the emotions coming out that I blocked with drugs after we broke up. I immediately jumped back into using heavily straight after we split up, and as a result remember being surprised that I didn't care at all, and I convinced myself at the time it was because I was never that into her, but it was just the drugs making me numb. I am actively practicing just mentally wishing her the best and trying to move past it.

Was planning on going for a jog today, but the council have sent some workers to paint the shared hallways of my building and I've been listening to one of them just fucking cough constantly. I've been sitting here just getting myself infuriated that this selfish prick won't isolate with a cough like that, and has instead come to his job at my building to cough his germs all over the place. Even if there's a reason for it that isn't corona, if you have another condition making you cough then how would you know if you did get the virus? I'm reminding myself I can't control things like this, and I'll just stay in until he's gone. Gonna do a SMART meeting later on today. My emotions have been all over the place today. It's only like 2PM and already today I've been upbeat & positive first thing and then kind of sad & down and then really angry and resentful. Think I'm going to do some meditation to try and get my head together.

You are just feeling the hurt from this girl like you said because at the time you numbed it out with gear plus emotions are all over the show with you being in early recovery. Instyead turn it around in your head against her For messaging you on Facebook on New Year eve to ask for the money back that a cunt move Rio.

The worker with the cough is a total prick no thought about anyone else and being a council employee he gets his full wage if he told them he got a persistent cough. Up and down is the way for a bit unfortunately Rio. Do push-ups sit-ups if you stuck inside or a night jog I love them sweat it out bruv it makes you feel much better mood-wise

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey rio how you getting on? that is super shitty about the guy coughing!! argh makes me so mad, this is why were still in this position. well this and the lack of firm leadership at the very start.

you're absolutely right about having to deal with things that you used over once you get clean, it is really shitty. wishing her the best is the absolutely right way to go about it. if you do any metta bhavana meditation it might be good to do one with her in it to help you. i thought it was washy bullshit when i first heard about it but have had some success with it for specific people, though it depends just how shitty they've been as to whether there is any effect or whether the effect is lasting.

i had a really hard day yesterday- posted about it in the recovery thread- was so shaken but feel more hopeful today and less guilty.

also, its thursday, half way through the working week so that's good.

definitely do some exercise inside if you can't go outside. i did another joe wicks video yesterday. it was fucking horrific but tday is the first time i've not had pain anywhere so that is good.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

You are just feeling the hurt from this girl like you said because at the time you numbed it out with gear plus emotions are all over the show with you being in early recovery. Instyead turn it around in your head against her For messaging you on Facebook on New Year eve to ask for the money back that a cunt move Rio.

The worker with the cough is a total prick no thought about anyone else and being a council employee he gets his full wage if he told them he got a persistent cough. Up and down is the way for a bit unfortunately Rio. Do push-ups sit-ups if you stuck inside or a night jog I love them sweat it out bruv it makes you feel much better mood-wise

Cheers yuba. You're right, fuck her. I wish her the best and all but if this is how she wants to act then I'm glad she's out my life. I did end up going for a run yesterday. I always forget after a break how great it feels to work up a sweat again, so I've decided that every other day I'm going to attempt to run, and I'll only not do it if I literally can't move because of ice. How have you been?

hey rio how you getting on? that is super shitty about the guy coughing!! argh makes me so mad, this is why were still in this position. well this and the lack of firm leadership at the very start.

you're absolutely right about having to deal with things that you used over once you get clean, it is really shitty. wishing her the best is the absolutely right way to go about it. if you do any metta bhavana meditation it might be good to do one with her in it to help you. i thought it was washy bullshit when i first heard about it but have had some success with it for specific people, though it depends just how shitty they've been as to whether there is any effect or whether the effect is lasting.

i had a really hard day yesterday- posted about it in the recovery thread- was so shaken but feel more hopeful today and less guilty.

also, its thursday, half way through the working week so that's good.

definitely do some exercise inside if you can't go outside. i did another joe wicks video yesterday. it was fucking horrific but tday is the first time i've not had pain anywhere so that is good.

Hey chinup. Having one of those days where sobriety just feels repetitive and monotonous, but I'm working through it. I know that I'm still on the rollercoaster so I'm working to not get too attached to whatever emotion I happen to be feeling in the present, because they're changing so quickly. Is metta bhavana like loving-kindness meditation??

I really hope you feel better soon. Keep up the exercise and off the alcohol and hopefully you'll notice you're feeling better soon.

I can't wait until winter is over. I hate that it's pitch black at 5PM and that even the daytime it peaked at fucking 0'C today. I think back to the first lockdown and it feels like it was so much easier since it was nice & warm out with long days and mild nights, but being rational I am probably looking back with rose-tinted glasses since I didn't manage more than a month clean and all I'm remembering now is the good parts. I'm wondering how long it will be before I just feel stable. Before I can predict with some accuracy how I might be feeling tomorrow or even in a few hours. Getting kind of tired of waking up and wondering "hmm, I wonder if today will be one of the days where I feel energetic and want to be around people and enjoy being alive, or will this be one of the days where I feel sad about everything and not speak to anyone". It's really tiring, but I know I have to persevere. Drugs caused this, they won't fix it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i hope you've made it through the day without scoring!!

yes metta bhavana is loving kindness meditation. i thought it was some hippy dippy bullshit when i first heard about it but am a bit more open to it now.

i totally get you about winter. especially cos i am working in the day- i can walk for half an hour at lunchtime to get some daylight. it really makes this lockdown feel so much harder. just remember that if you were using then you wouldn't be able to do any of the things we can't do due to lockdown cos you'd have no money and other priorities. the 0'C today did not help matters. i hope that we only have one cold blast this winter i am not up for much more like this under lockdown!!!

remember, as much as you can, to plan activities in advance. try to plan at least a week at a time and give yourself as full a timetable as possible. i know right now that is hard cos we're stuck at home and there's only so much zoom meetings we can do but when i had to make my timetable coming out of rehab even for time at home i put like '1 hour reading recovery literature,' '1 hour reading something i actually want to,' '1 hour drawing' etc, only time not covered was like 10-bedtime. and as long as you put things that are fun in there it should hopefully break the monotony, cos the endless stretches of time with nothing planned are, for me at least, what makes the current situation feel monotonous.

 

[Jabberwocky]

oh yeah also i tried to learn that cobra skulls song earlier but there's no tabs online and i got intimidated as soon as i started properly listening to the bassline. gonna get my boyfriend to teach me when we go back to mine. i can work stuff out myself, but generally online really simple (almost) 3 chord shit like this: the decline- shower time in the slammer and this: the explosion- points west which are both epic songs and really clever songwriting because at first glance they don't seem as simple as they are. i can work out most songs i've known since i was a teenager too cos i don't need to constantly listen back to the track so don't give up so quick. but i couldn't even be confident about the root notes of never be a machine (though i think its mostly f i'm probably wrong) cos i got myself so flustered!!

got me thinking though maybe i'll make a video. i reckon watching a recording of me play might actually help me play better, i'll probably be able to hear where my timing is slightly off. so if i do and its not a complete embarassment i'll make a private youtube video.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

oh yeah also i tried to learn that cobra skulls song earlier but there's no tabs online and i got intimidated as soon as i started properly listening to the bassline. gonna get my boyfriend to teach me when we go back to mine. i can work stuff out myself, but generally online really simple (almost) 3 chord shit like this: the decline- shower time in the slammer and this: the explosion- points west which are both epic songs and really clever songwriting because at first glance they don't seem as simple as they are. i can work out most songs i've known since i was a teenager too cos i don't need to constantly listen back to the track so don't give up so quick. but i couldn't even be confident about the root notes of never be a machine (though i think its mostly f i'm probably wrong) cos i got myself so flustered!!

got me thinking though maybe i'll make a video. i reckon watching a recording of me play might actually help me play better, i'll probably be able to hear where my timing is slightly off. so if i do and its not a complete embarassment i'll make a private youtube video.

thats a fucking great idea!!! If you're embarrassed you could just film your hands/bass and cut your neck above out the frame??

i hope you've made it through the day without scoring!!

yes metta bhavana is loving kindness meditation. i thought it was some hippy dippy bullshit when i first heard about it but am a bit more open to it now.

i totally get you about winter. especially cos i am working in the day- i can walk for half an hour at lunchtime to get some daylight. it really makes this lockdown feel so much harder. just remember that if you were using then you wouldn't be able to do any of the things we can't do due to lockdown cos you'd have no money and other priorities. the 0'C today did not help matters. i hope that we only have one cold blast this winter i am not up for much more like this under lockdown!!!

remember, as much as you can, to plan activities in advance. try to plan at least a week at a time and give yourself as full a timetable as possible. i know right now that is hard cos we're stuck at home and there's only so much zoom meetings we can do but when i had to make my timetable coming out of rehab even for time at home i put like '1 hour reading recovery literature,' '1 hour reading something i actually want to,' '1 hour drawing' etc, only time not covered was like 10-bedtime. and as long as you put things that are fun in there it should hopefully break the monotony, cos the endless stretches of time with nothing planned are, for me at least, what makes the current situation feel monotonous.

I have only tried loving kindness a couple of times at Refuge Recovery meetings, I think I'll give it another shot. What's your personal favorite kind of meditation?

Packing my schedule out more is actually a really great idea. I'm going to give it a try. I have been reticent to do it so far because of the days where I wake up and just feel overwhelmed & miserable, and I'm worried that I wouldn't be able to face a schedule with too much on it if I was feeling like that, so I think I'll try your idea but put it into tiers so I have some activities for when I'm feeling OK and then like a baseline schedule for if I'm not feeling great just to account for my mood swings.

Thankfully my mood is pretty good today. Last night I was lying in bed and suddenly felt really hot and started to convince myself I had COVID. I was panicking and internally berating myself for seeing my friend yesterday, and started to feel like such an irresponsible idiot for meeting someone when it wasn't totally necessary. I'm not so worried about the idea of having the virus itself for a week or two, but the idea of long COVID is fucking terrifying. Having a mysterious post-viral syndrome that makes you so weak you can't even walk round the block with depression & cognitive problems just sounds fucking unbearably awful, especially since nobody knows how long it can last or if it would even stop at any point. Eventually I fell asleep, still feeling hot and worrying about being ill.

I wake up today and I still felt really hot, but no other symptoms. Turns out that me, being an idiot, left my heating on overnight!! I was relieved it wasn't COVID but sure did feel silly when I realized what I'd been stressing about!! So that was a load off my mind, and today has just gone pretty smoothly. Managed to muster the enthusiasm to slog through the current module of my TEFL course (grammar, urgh) and do some cleaning, and I'm doing a SMART meeting tonight, but its the one with my local group that I know rather than the general public ones, and I'm looking forward to talking to them again since it's been forever since I dropped off the map. They've always been really supportive & helpful, so I'm excited to connect with them all again.

I really CANT WAIT to hit my next milestones. I figure once I'm past day 52 I can stop "counting up" so much, but right now every day I can tick off just makes me feel really proud of myself and contented, and it's a good way for me to see how much progress I've made. When I'm feeling discouraged and look over my calendar and see 23 green ticks it just makes me feel satisfied, and I can't wait to be "ahead of myself". When I get past 52 days it will be the longest time I've been clean since 2016, which is wild to say but it's true.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Day 25!!

My friend calls me most days just to talk but recently he's been taking a lot of drugs - speed the last couple of days - and I really need to tell him to stop it. I guess I haven't yet because it's almost like the junkie part of me is living vicariously through him and part of me likes hearing about it, but I really need to stop that since it's just asking for cravings & encouraging the euphoric recall, and I do NOT need any assistance in that department! Sometimes I get discouraged when I think back to having 52 days and still relapsing, but I need to put it into perspective. It sounds like a lot, but really it isn't even 2 months. Reminding myself of that is making it easier - I've never really gotten past the early, early stages of sobriety except in rehab. I've never done it on the outside, but that's encouraging - it's a challenge, it's unknown! That helps to motivate me! Got a free day today - done some studying, doing a Refuge Recovery meeting later. I hope you guys are doing OK??

 

[Jabberwocky]

whoooop whoooop well done for making it to day 25!!

yes you do need to adk your friend not to call while he's using. sadly most people using drugs don't like people quitting and will do what they can, either blatant or subtle, to get you to relapse. its good you're aware you're getting something vicariously through him, it does mean you're still kinda feeding your addiction which won't be helping you build a foundation for long term sobriety.

don't get discouraged about relapsing at 52 days. it gets better and easier! i relapsed at 18 months!!! but thankfully i had enough recovery by that time to not let it spiral, the longer you get, the better.

lol about the heating. to be fair i'd probably do similar. i'm petrified of long covid too. especially while still on probation for my new job. getting post viral fatigue is what got me bad on the light. i went back to work too soon after getting glandular fever and cos i was on the dark anyway crack was the most convenient stimulant i could get to deal with the tiredness. did not go well for me!!!

having a 'full schedule' and a 'depressed day' schedule is a great idea- it means you will probably feel better on depressed days cos you'll hve some readily planned activities that will disctract you.

i'm ok thanks, went to lidl today to get some stuff for when i get back to mine tomorrow. really looking forward to it, drank last night, again it was offered but unlike the other time i then drank more than i was initially offered. will be so glad to be in a house with no booze and no one to offer me booze, my boyf will be coming to mine too and he's doing dry jab as well. spent a fuckload on special cat food to try and help my older cat too.