Hey guys, quick update.
Still don't know about my job. In the meeting they only mentioned the vaping, not the suspected intoxication which makes me think the shift manager only passed that bit to the general manager, thankfully. The meeting was about half an hour and he said a couple things that make me optimistic like at the end he said "I can see that you regret this and won't do it again", but I don't know for definite till I hear back. It would be harsh to fire me now just as furlough starts and a month from Christmas, but I'll see.
I am meeting my now ex girlfriend this week - she wants to stay friends, and for the first time ever with an ex I actually want that too. I lied to her a lot and borrowed money off her (I have told her now what it was really for) so I doubt she will ever want to be in a relationship again, but I just feel lucky she even wants to be in touch with me at all. When we first got together I warned her that if I relapsed I would fuck up her life - telling her basically all that ended up happening like I'd start lying, borrowing money, being evasive etc but obviously after that she developed faith in me which I abused. I firmly believe most other normal girls could run a mile and not want to talk to me at all, but she still cares about me so she wants to meet me and at my insistence we are going to talk about everything that happened. I want to communicate to her that this didn't mean I didn't care about her or that I was lying about my feelings for her or that she wasn't good enough - any suggestions for how to get that across? I think at the moment she thinks that I relapsed because she wasn't enough for me or that I just set out to use her, and that really isn't true.
Trying to put shit back together. What's terrifying me is I have vivid memories of last Christmas/New Years Eve when I had a few weeks sober, and since in 2020 I've only managed a couple stretches of sobriety lasting a month and 6 weeks, most of this year has been a blur. Last New Years Eve feels like a month ago. I was so full of hope & optimism, and it feels like groundhog day. Time goes at a normal pace when i'm sober, but just dissolves into nothing when I'm getting high. I'm 28 in January and have lost the last 8 years to heroin and I when I get clean I still feel like that 19-20 year old I was just before all this. I am thinking about rehab in 2021, as
@chinup has been suggesting. I would be willing to go anywhere but the Christian places I've heard about that call themselves rehabs but are basically just fronts to get free labour - my friend went to one and just spent 3 months building a church without any kind of medication or therapy or even groups. As long as the rehab that would be willing to take me isn't like that, then I'd be willing to go.
This lapse has put into perspective how much I'm holding myself back. I get a couple months clean and I'm doing a TEFL course, getting fit, eating healthy, looking better, I get a girlfriend, my social life comes back and everything goes great. I relapse, and one by one all of those are dropped, and the only constant is the drugs. It's literally a choice between everything I value or drugs, and I need to start picking the right side. However, it's easy to say this now, the hard part comes when that craving hits and there's a huge voice screaming in my head that nothing else matters and to fuck everything and just get high, when my heart starts racing and I start sweating and nothing can take my mind off it. That's when it gets hard, and I find it difficult to plan for those moments.
How are you guys
@chinup and
@yubacity ? Hows your daughter yuba? I read that you had been dabbling in drugs and I just wanted to say please be careful. You don't want to end up back on H. It seems you can use some things like pregablin and be alright, but be really careful with the coke. We've all planned to only use coke and then had a comedown lead us right back to heroin - comedowns are a very powerful distortion of our rational minds, and I know for me unless I have enough benzos to knock me out then I am guaranteed to get H if there's any possible way as soon as a coke or (god forbid) a crack comedown hits.