How are you
@yubacity &
@chinup?
By the way yuba if you're curious I can PM you a picture of me with my ex-girlfriend then you can finally put a face to my posts!
8 days today. I've been reflecting on how I always think I'm so much further from relapse than I actually am. I was six weeks in and feeling great, then my girlfriend told me that things were going too fast (she's never had a serious boyfriend before) and she needed to take a few days to think about what she wants to do. I immediately assumed she was going to break up with me, that it had all been too good to be true, that I didn't deserve a girl like her etc. An hour later I was smoking crack and heroin. And then, of course, once the genie is out of the bottle it's hard as fuck to stop it. She ended up telling me a couple days later she wanted to carry on since she really liked me and it just scared her so I'd fucked everything up over something that only existed in my mind - had I of just stayed clean, everything would have been OK.
Since that point I have been doing the plate spinning routine where I try to keep up my regular life while using periodically. I didn't go longer than 3 days without it until this stretch of 8 days and I tried to maintain by taking gabapentin & diazepam on the "off" days and heroin/crack when I had the money, and for a little while nobody was any the wiser. However, it came crashing down when I was contacted by an RC seller on Bluelight who offered to send me a free "sample pack". Of course I accepted, and a few days later I had a box with 3-MMC and 2 different RC benzos arrive at my door. I did all the 3-MMC which I enjoyed a LOT more than I thought I would, but then found at work I was starting to crash, so I popped the benzos. I severely underestimated the strength of Etizolam, and I was noticeably fucked up. That's why I may be losing my job tomorrow, and then after another couple days binging I started being really evasive and avoiding my girlfriend, and she realized there was a problem. When she found out I'd been using she was initially willing to help me through it, but then when she found out again a week later and after I'd been lying about it that was the final straw and she ended it.
So here I am now, kind of stunned out of my using by how quickly I managed to tank both my job and my relationship, trying to put the pieces back together again. I am centering sobriety as the most important part of my life again, so in a way, it's kind of a blessing I don't have my job/girlfriend to distract me I suppose - I can focus 100% on getting well again and overcoming this addiction that keeps ruining my life time & time & time again.