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Mental Health Mental Illness Support Thread V. How do you feel?

Got into a huge fight with my parents via SMS yesterday. Not feeling good today. Felt suicidal last night after the fight. I messaged them about how I had escalated the complaint about the doctor, and they told me I was just carrying on and that they were going to block me so I told them to basically go fuck themselves and that they've just lost their son and that the medication that I had needed wouldn't have caused nearly the same level of mood swings as that stupid fucking dumb cunt bitch of a doctor. I told them to fuck off and that they did a permanent job. I don't want to have anything, absolutely, anything to do with them again,.
 
Dealing with relationships is very difficult especially when we ourselves aren't 100%. For me, music, walks, talking to supportive people,, listening to music, doing pushups and just fucking chilling can be cathartic. Hopefully yall have some sort of outlets. Things can get worse or better and aside from things out of our control, we can help it.

@Atelier3 - day 5 off meth?
 
I've been of meth for a couple months now.

It does get easier.

For me i substituted with weed which is my second DOC.

Do you have any support other than NA? How did you like NA?
 
madness00 said:
I've been of meth for a couple months now.

It does get easier.

For me i substituted with weed which is my second DOC.

Do you have any support other than NA? How did you like NA?
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I like NA a lot better than AA - which I attended years ago. The NA people are more tolerant of talking about mental health issues and about taking medication. The group i went to last nice only had 5 people but they were warm and welcoming and everyone gave me a bit of advice that I found useful in one way or another. If I had not gone I definitely would have scored and got high. Even as I pulled into the carpark I was still waiting for a text back from my connect from earlier in the day when my cravings were insane. luckily she never replied and the NA people all watched as I blocked her number later in the meeting! And not getting high for another day has meant I could work today: have written 1,000 (good) words when my target was only 400 so I'm feeling pretty positive. Still, I could have a delicious spike in my arm and a pussy on my face in less than 15 minutes if I let my attention and focus waver (so probably shouldn't be reading BL). My wallet still full of the money I took out to do it yesterday....
 
Man, wicked tempting, great coping.

I'm curious how you got your "moment of clarity" but its not really my business. Mine was as simple as lack of connection and after substituting for weed my cravings got away. I just remember the bad times. If i had women instead of my hand itd be harder so i respect what you're doing and we both keep it up.
 
madness00 said:
I'm curious how you got your "moment of clarity" but its not really my business.
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Man, it's been clear from the beginning that meth is fucking up my life. The things I put on hold to take it, the lies I tell people about what's going on, the impact it has on my work, the sheer cost of all that dope and the hookers. I mean, I love it so much but I love the other things in life it is inhibiting just that little bit more. It was not clarity I needed, it was a moment of willpower to just say no, not tonight. And when cravings are burning a hole through your soul that moment is damn hard to find.
 
Been up for 38 hours, done about 1.5g of shitty speed probably, plus 4mg clonazepam to level me out, plus some 4-FA when I ran out of speed which was maybe not the best time to truly appreciate a new drug... took some pregabalin again so as not to just keep taking more fucking benzos. I Honestly think I might do just a tiny bit more 4-FA before I go to bed, pointless as it is.

Oh shit I just realised this isn't the "How High Are You Thread?" :D How y'all doing. I guess I'll spin this same post into mental health. At the moment I feel pretty damn good because I've worked a shitload and have also taken all these drugs but I am getting very concerned about my frequency of benzo use and have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow. Probably pretty shite, I guess.

Much love to you all in working through your own shit if you'll excuse my clumsy phrasing, as someone once said it doesn't matter how long the road is as long as you do not stop... I used to think maybe Buddha said that but maybe I just made it up.
 
Feeling literally nothing right now. I want to cry but I can't feel any emotion whatsoever, as much as I try. It seems as though I am unable to experience even the wonderful release that crying brings. All it does now is turn me into a ghost of who I used to be. Almost like a dissociative feeling, there is no emotion at all, no nothing, just cold empty darkness.
 
Flynnal said:
... it's like I'm in a sensory deprivation tank emotion-wise where I can't feel a fucking thing,
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Taken from another post but I gotta say:
This is what I have been chasing for quite some time.
See... if ya remove emotion and *feelings from the equation we (or rather I) can focus on some real issues and come to some reasonable conclusion(s). I was in "special ed" classes because of emotional issues which led to some physical side-effects. The kid that didn't care about rules and always in a scuffle. Tacking off course.
Not trying to infer that we all alike; just saying that in the most dangerous *spots I have found myself, it is the aloof aspect of seeing things more clearly that literally save the day. Man, I love that "zone".
I have too much emotion and would like to lose some; ya got none and want some. Ain't this a bitch? Really?
Not sure how to get it back but while you are in the place you find yourself; why not try to use it or find a "good" aspect of not being emotion-full? Surely emotions will come back eventually and maybe we can all find a balance in this, too? Until then, work with what ya have and if it is too much, please see a doctor about this. I post from experience in my life: This may not translate well to anothers well being, OK?
Really, though... I want what you have and you want what I have: Wish we could trade off a bit. Not being funny, just got me thinking.
<3
 
Atelier3 said:
Should have gone to one tonight and kept the ball rolling but had to go to a big family party that was pretty triggery.
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I ended up quitting NA after a while but it was because I eventually gave up the morphine on my own...the early 2000s were tough for me...but those parties, especially if there is anyone there with gear, the first thought that comes to mind is that you'd want to take something, anything, just to feel better, just to get relief from the misery. I went to dozens of parties in 2005, and wow, they were hard, especially when I saw oxys and dexies being handed out like lollies. I had to say no and it was so painful. But the cost also deterred me, I remember one lousy codeine pill was offered for like $10. I was like...um, no thanks.

I had to give up alcohol too, recently, because of acid reflux, so one of my long time "friends" had to take a hiatus until the symptoms improve, then I can "meet" again, hopefully with a better outcome.

I still feel bad about flushing those barbs, they would have made for countless pleasant nights, but I guess I had more important priorities.
 
I feel fragile, sensitive, got at.

Searching for mdma assisted psychotherapy is taking its toll on my sanity. I know it will be worth it, but the pain and heartache.

The lockdown im convinced caused ptsd from thinking about what went wrong just before. I have frequent temptation to get high on things like tramadol, however I won't as I'm on mirtazepine, and want to get clean of this before therapy.
 
jyoti said:
The lockdown im convinced caused ptsd from thinking about what went wrong just before. I have frequent temptation to get high on things like tramadol, however I won't as I'm on mirtazepine, and want to get clean of this before therapy.
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I absolutely can see how PTSD could have been caused by the lockdown - the isolation, the unemployment, the loss of opportunities and the general inability to feel well has definitely contributed to what I've been experiencing. I believe my PTSD was caused by something else that I also discussed in The Dark Side, but I know that a lot of underlying stuff like mental illness made things much worse and made it much harder to cope with.

I see you're taking mirtazapine. That's the same stuff I'm on, and I was wondering how you were coping on that? It's a pretty heavy duty sedative, and it didn't even help me sleep during the recent trauma, but I will report that I'm sleeping much better the last couple of days, but emotionally I'm still not where I want to be.

Are you considering coming off the mirtazapine? I can't stop using it, as I won't be able to sleep at all. Believe me, I've tried a couple of times with near tragic results. It's something I'm afraid I'm stuck on...and I hope it is always available.
 
Atelier3 said:
I like NA a lot better than AA - which I attended years ago. The NA people are more tolerant of talking about mental health issues and about taking medication. The group i went to last nice only had 5 people but they were warm and welcoming and everyone gave me a bit of advice that I found useful in one way or another. If I had not gone I definitely would have scored and got high. Even as I pulled into the carpark I was still waiting for a text back from my connect from earlier in the day when my cravings were insane. luckily she never replied and the NA people all watched as I blocked her number later in the meeting! And not getting high for another day has meant I could work today: have written 1,000 (good) words when my target was only 400 so I'm feeling pretty positive. Still, I could have a delicious spike in my arm and a pussy on my face in less than 15 minutes if I let my attention and focus waver (so probably shouldn't be reading BL). My wallet still full of the money I took out to do it yesterday....
Click to expand...

They're both good, but personally I enjoy AA a lot more, even though all my true drugs of choice are narcotics.

In my personal experience NA is lacking in diversity and members, most people who go are court ordered to and don't want to be there. I never experienced this in AA. But every meeting and every area is different.
 
SnafuInTheVoid said:
In my personal experience NA is lacking in diversity and members, most people who go are court ordered to and don't want to be there. I never experienced this in AA. But every meeting and every area is different.
Click to expand...

Yeah. I don’t like participating in recovery/rehab activities with people who are just there for legal reasons or compelled by their families. They often give off a lot of negative energy and inhibit people genuinely wanting to work the process. Sadly, I was a bit like that first time I went to rehab and just sat there arms-folded exuding a ‘this is all bullshit and you are all losers vibe’ - fortunately a counsellor told me some home truths that made me see myself honestly for the first time and I got with the program.

The court ordered people are also the ones most likely to try and hook you up with some dope after the meeting.
 
I have this almost constant feeling of stress inside me. I guess it's from the mdma abuse. It's worse the days after I've taken quentapin to sleep, even if it is just 25 mg. Now when I think about it it's actually no wonder im stressed, low serotonin or not bc everything in my life is quite stressful now so..

Getting quite jumpy and paranoid as well. I get scared everytime a car slows down in front of my building.

Oh how I wish I could just leave everything behind and start new in a new place, preferably a new country or continent ughhhh
 
Atelier3 said:
Yeah. I don’t like participating in recovery/rehab activities with people who are just there for legal reasons or compelled by their families. They often give off a lot of negative energy and inhibit people genuinely wanting to work the process. Sadly, I was a bit like that first time I went to rehab and just sat there arms-folded exuding a ‘this is all bullshit and you are all losers vibe’ - fortunately a counsellor told me some home truths that made me see myself honestly for the first time and I got with the program.

The court ordered people are also the ones most likely to try and hook you up with some dope after the meeting.
Click to expand...

I hate those people that are in that weird space of denial where subconsciously they know they need to get better but consciously they aren’t ready to put the habit down.

and it turns into a situation where they’d rather see everyone else fail than for them to succeed.

it’s like how public schools push every down to the lowest common denominator rather than help lift the gifted to reach their potential.

don’t get me wrong, even the most obstinate rehab-goer deserves a chance At getting help but families and the courts need to recognize that, especially in the earlier stages (first 5-10 years of dependence), addiction is incredibly self-destructive and many junkies reach a point where they don’t intend to kill themselves but they lose the instinct for self preservation.

qBeen there, it’s scary looking back.
 
Had at nice day at my moms place. WAte dinner and watched Devs with my mum , later on I drank some wine with my brother, watched some dayz gameplay and smoked a few spliffs.
Then my husband called and was mad I bc i waited 10mins to call him up even though i texted him saying i was taking a cig with mum. those things really gives me warning signals but i guess im just paranoid gonna leave this shit behind as soon as i have the energy for it we dont want the same things in life and has way different values anyways and he would be way better of without me,also dont wanna fuck up his sobriety again
Man idk what i would do if i did not have bluelight to express myself on it really makes me feel less lonely just rambling in this thread lol
 
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