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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

Gibberings ver. CCXVII - More Mouth Than A Cow Has Cunt

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alright guys how you doing?

its the part of my 2 week cycle where i'm well enough off my rattle to be bored enough to post on bl. how we all doing?

i'm probably going to rehab and fucking scared. like i have to truly intend to get better otherwise its a monumental waste of >20k- or at least it has to get me not using for 4 months then the cost evens out.

but i just wanna sit on my own in my room and smoke light and dark i currently feel like i'm just doing it cos my parents will cut me off otherwise and thats not the right reason.

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reading this to myself makes me think i'm a fucking idiot i've been doing (little thank fuck) rattles every 2 weeks all year- week at home, week with the parents. what fucking idiot does that to themselves?
 
Eh up Chinup, good to see you again.

However, I'm going to be brutally honest. If you go to rehab in your current frame of mind it is definitely going to be "a monumental waste of >20k". Who is funding this? Your family? Furthermore, what do you mean by "my parents will cut me off?" From the family, or from their will? If all you want to do is "sit in my room smoking dark and light" then no way are you ready for rehab. Be honest, say you're not ready. Explain to your parents that you can't just throw money at a problem like this and expect to solve it. Agree to a methadone program. Reduce slowly. Stop using white - it's not actually as hard as it seems, but it seriously helps if you have no money. Can anyone take control of your finances for you?

If your family can afford to spunk 20 grand on rehab which is bound to fail judging by your comments, then it sounds like your inheritance is worth making a few sacrifices for.

Open your eyes...

Good luck :)
 
F.U.B.A.R. said:
Open your eyes...

Good luck :)
Click to expand...

thanks.

argh i'm so fucking confused. part of me has been actively wishing my parents dead cos then i wouldn't be hurting them anymore and could just be doing what i'm doing. i mean cut off financially- my dad contributed ?600 to my bills this month. i'll be homeless pretty quick if they say i can't go back home and i go anyway. i've been stopping every week going to theres.

but when i'm there its suspended animation. i'm not enjoying myself. 80% of the pipes i smoke don't satisfy the craving for light. i know i'm getting worse.

i lost my job, am doing some part time freelance work remotely to get some money in the bank but mostly whoring myself out. i made over a grand in 2 days last week and had nothing the next day.

in about 2 weeks theres a departure for a trip i badly wanted to do that was ?800 and i somehow couldn't afford. THATS what i want, my world has closed completely. i never enjoy myself any more. its the pull of the drugs that make me wanna sit in my room smoking dark and light but i know theres more to life cos i've had that life. this time last year i was somewhere i'd dreamed of going for years, it cost 2k but i still had money to buy expensive souvenirs.

i came home feeling like i could conquer and mountain, fitter than i've been in years. a week later i was in bed with a virus. let myself use daily while i was sick, learned i could afford 50 quid a day, quickly ramped up to > 200 a day.

i dunno if i'm ready or not but i might have a fuckton of money headed my way early next year and if i'm not sorted by then it'll be the death of me so i gotta do something
 
Ah, your ability to earn a lot of money in a short space of time does complicate things somewhat. I must admit I only gave up the white when I'd totally run out of cash. But once I knew I couldn't get it anymore I didn't miss it - in fact, I felt liberated. However had I access to unlimited funds it may well have been a different story. Perhaps rehab would be a good idea then. It would break that cycle of selling yourself and scoring - something that would be very hard to do in your present situation.
 
F.U.B.A.R. said:
It would break that cycle of selling yourself and scoring
Click to expand...

Although it is not the answer this is the real trick to get started - I had been using heroin for almost a decade before I finally approached a drug service provider as I was desperate to avoid a methadone prescription. I was dependant for 2 years when I first developed a habit before cleaning myself up, but only when forced to do so after finally running out of money (I have never supported my addiction through acquisitive crime) so having learned nothing, I continued to chip a couple of times a month before making an inevitable but short lived relapse for 3 months in the summer of 2010, luckily rattling it off in late September literally weeks before the drought struck).

But following my last relapse in 2013, I resigned from my job soon after in the interests of self preservation (before my had a chance to decline and get me fired). Unable to support any kind of habit with no right to benefits for the first 6 months, I just had to struggle through 3 days CT, then a small score, rinse and repeat. With my domestic situation becoming so unmanageable I could not motivate myself to keep it straight so I finally caved in and accepted a methadone prescription and although there are a million reasons I regret doing so it did break the cycle of my reliance on street use and if not for the combination of a continuously miserable set of circumstance combined with my own pathetic lack of motivation it could have been a fantastic base from which I could have moved forward, instead of becoming the sad old man who cannot find a more pressing priority than making sure I have enough blue prescriptions to keep me going, which was my fear from the beginning.

Whether its a case of getting a substitute poppy prescription and / or a detoxification followed by rehab (I personally require rehab as I have detoxed myself repeatedly prior to my methadone treatment) it is, as Fubar says, a case of breaking that initial loop. Just make sure you use the momentum to follow it up with further progression once you get going.
 
F.U.B.A.R. said:
Ah, your ability to earn a lot of money in a short space of time does complicate things somewhat..
Click to expand...

yep its so difficult being an attractive woman isn't it? guess i should thank the people who raped me for making me not care enough to be able to sell my body too.

i feel liberated at my parents- like cos i can't score here easily and i know from experience i hate smoking cos my mums so suspicious and i get paranoid as fuck, so i don't smoke and its no problem.

steewith2ees thanks. it does sound like you need rehab too- i can detox myself too though only done it once somewhere i can score. first time was on a flight to Buenos Aires fuck me do not do it with 14 hours in economy class oh my lord. i've avoided a meth prescription too just buy peoples subs as back up.

i break that loop every week- i once broke it 3 weeks, but go back. the 3 weeks was before i lost my job and didn't think i'd lose my job though. right now there's no question of me not using when i get back cos i'm owed about 10 20 shots from someone who will pay and till i have the guts to chuck him out i'll get 2 a day. my aim for next week is to even go one day without light and get rid of him so its not literally waiting for me when i get back. if i get through one day i know i'll smoke the next but i might try another.
 
chinup said:
yep its so difficult being an attractive woman isn't it? guess i should thank the people who raped me for making me not care enough to be able to sell my body too.
.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't know as I'm neither an attractive woman nor an attractive man. Please don't think I'm judging you - you do what you have to do. But it sounds like you have a hell of a lot to lose if you don't get your shit together very soon. Please seek help for your past issues rather than drowning yourself in a sea of drugs. You will regret it one day - if you live that long ..
 
no i didn't think you were don't worry i guess i just feel like i need to justify how i can do it cos i know most people find the idea abhorrent and so do i.

i'm torn between life and death now. i can't con myself now that this road is anything but death but the problem is i never really wanted to live. the happiest year of my life i spent weeks crying too much to leave the house. but i can't do this to my parents and they've got too long to live for waiting for them to die to fuck it off to be a viable option.

the happiest i've been generally is travelling (i haven't gap yah'd but before i lost my job i earned enough for a gear habit and expensive holidays) and seeing all the beauty in the world and it feels heartbreaking that there's so much i still haven't seen and i might miss it. but travelling forever would be lonely and ultimately unfulfilling even if i could afford it, but if i stay in one place for long enough i realise i'm still stuck being me.
 
chinup said:
no i didn't think you were don't worry i guess i just feel like i need to justify how i can do it cos i know most people find the idea abhorrent and so do i.

i'm torn between life and death now. i can't con myself now that this road is anything but death but the problem is i never really wanted to live. the happiest year of my life i spent weeks crying too much to leave the house. but i can't do this to my parents and they've got too long to live for waiting for them to die to fuck it off to be a viable option.

the happiest i've been generally is travelling (i haven't gap yah'd but before i lost my job i earned enough for a gear habit and expensive holidays) and seeing all the beauty in the world and it feels heartbreaking that there's so much i still haven't seen and i might miss it. but travelling forever would be lonely and ultimately unfulfilling even if i could afford it, but if i stay in one place for long enough i realise i'm still stuck being me.
Click to expand...

It sounds to me like you only need confirming what you already know.
I've got no idea on how hard it is, never been through that, others have managed on less but in even a layman knows what's coming.

Get your shit together or you die. Simple.
 
Arnold said:
Get your shit together or you die. Simple.
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yeah only problem is the dying takes fucking years if you're unlucky and i cannot but my family through that they're decent people who worked so hard for a nice retirement and i'm destroying it. even though i've used 'going to rehab soon' as an excuse to step things up a notch do maybe made it swifter.

anyone got any decent evidence/source on the addictive qualities of crack vs nicotine?

cos i quit smoking cigs with 0 effort by getting bronchitis- i couldn't smoke for a week and just didn't when i got better. if anyone knows anything that'd be useful- cos i've found some stuff saying its similar to standard coke. i still crave cigs way more than i should but thats cos i'm at my parents and not smoking anything else and my lungs seem to need some sweet sweet death. i feel like if they really are similar and i just quit then i can do it.

on another note i've definitely lost my mind- i watched Paddington 2 last night and probably felt more emotions in that than i have in a long time. i also enjoyed it, which is a big thing for me right now. i could have smoked hundreds of pounds in the time i spent watching that and just felt empty and in need of more in the end. why the fuck am i doing this?
 
If you could have got through hundreds of pounds worth of brown/white in the time it takes to watch a film then I would say you're getting seriously ripped off.

As for the addiction potential of crack v nicotine, the only thing I can add is that I've successfully given up crack, but have never managed to kick tobacco. However, if I had to stand waiting in the pissing rain for hours to meet some dodgy cunt who was going to charge me a tenner for a single roll up, then no doubt I'd probably find it easier to give up cigs. Crack doesn't cause physical dependence, but it does cause compulsive behaviour which is reinforced by the ritual of scoring. There are zero withdrawals, just psychological cravings. These quickly subside. Tbh, I found the taste caused more cravings than the actual effects. I couldn't get that taste out of my head for several days - but that also soon dissipates...
 
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