Tell A Shit Joke: Number 2

[F.U.B.A.R.]

You in the wrong thread FUBAR?

If this is the thread where shit jokes reside, then I think I'm where I need to be... :D

 

[BehindtheShadow]

I had to sell my vacuum cleaner...

Because it was just collecting dust

 

[Tubbs]

What do a mistress and a tornado have in common?

At first there's a lot of sucking and blowing... then your house is gone.

 

[BehindtheShadow]

What do you call a computer that sings?

A Dell

 

[BecomingJulie]

On My E-Reader This Week:

• The Digital Storage Oscilloscope, by Andy Gadget.
• Cannabis, by Roland N. Joy.
• Ways to Skin a Cat by Claude Ball.

 

[Raasyvibe]

What do you call a Russian, with 3 balls???




Hoodya Nickabollockov

 

[blondin]

this thread needs proper bad un's

'doctor doctor i feel like im becoming a pair of curtains'
doctor...'dont be silly man pull your self together'

 

[BecomingJulie]

A brewery tanker crashed, spilling 100 000 litres of Strongbow cider on the M1.

Definitely a Dry Blackthorn day!

 

[BehindtheShadow]

A guy takes his Rottweiler to the vet because he is crossed eyed.
The vet picks the dog up and says "I'm going to have to put him down"
All upset the owner demands to know why and the vet replies
"because he's heavy"

 

[BehindtheShadow]

On My E-Reader This Week:

• The Digital Storage Oscilloscope, by Andy Gadget.
• Cannabis, by Roland N. Joy.
• Ways to Skin a Cat by Claude Ball.

On my E-Reader this week

"Get rich quick" - By Robin Banks
"Rusty Bedsprings" - By I.P. Nightly

 

[BecomingJulie]

For any Star Trek: The Next Generation fans:

Captain Picard! My girlfriend is pregnant!
Abort!

Captain Picard! My girlfriend is pregnant, and she's a Roman Catholic!
Engage!

Captain Picard! The alien we rescued has just woken up and is asking for a needle and cotton!
Make it sew!

Captain Picard! What letter comes between S and U, who sponsored the Great Reform Act of 1832, and what's the weather going to be like tomorrow?
Tea, Earl grey, Hot!

 

[blondin]

A man goes into the doctor with a lettuce sticking out of his arse
"That looks nasty", says the doctor
"Well", says the man "that's just the tip of the iceberg"

 

[steewith2ees]

for any star trek: The next generation fans:

captain picard! My girlfriend is pregnant!
abort!

captain picard! My girlfriend is pregnant, and she's a roman catholic!
engage!

captain picard! The alien we rescued has just woken up and is asking for a needle and cotton!
make it sew!

captain picard! What letter comes between s and u, who sponsored the great reform act of 1832, and what's the weather going to be like tomorrow?
tea, earl grey, hot!

... =d. Fucking smileys not working I wish I knew how to use this board properly but with so many other members available to show me what to do I've never bothered.

 

[BecomingJulie]

Q. What kind of bar faces a giant car wash and serves beer at noon on Tuesday to a regular customer named Billy?

A. A Crow bar .....

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

I hired a hitman to get rid of the wife.

He Said "for five grand, I'll put a bullet just under her left breast"

I replied; "fuck that, I want her killed, not kneecapped..."

 

[BehindtheShadow]

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space

 

[BecomingJulie]

Q. Why is a polynomial equation with all the powers being multiples of four like a pop festival with lax security?

A. It's easy to smuggle in a j .....

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

There's a duck standing at the side of the road waiting for a gap in the traffic so he can cross.

A chicken walks up to him and says "I wouldn't bother if I were you mate, you'll never fuckin hear the end of it..."

 

[swedger77]

Top Tips:


Pikeys:

instead of spunking 100 grand on getting rid of a piece of rubbish, why not just dump it on the side of the road like you do with all your other shit?





(How long before I'm banned?)

I ve not read the whole thread so I might be repeating someone here:-

What do you call old furniture left by pikeys

Pikea

 

[BecomingJulie]

Q. In Object Oriented Programming, how do you instantiate a new object of type Snake?

A. With a boa constructor .....