Tell A Shit Joke: Number 2

[F.U.B.A.R.]

So, the President of the USA is meeting the President of Russia. Whatever is agreed, I really hope Trump 'follows through' as I can't wait to see the video - '2 Presidents, 1 Poo tin'...




(Now that really IS a 'shit' joke :D )




Edit: If the editor of 'The Sun' is reading, you can have that as a headline - for a price...

 

[Wubb]

Why do black men wear baggy jeans?

Because their kneegrows.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

I taught my dog how to smoke heroin on the London underground today.


He went from Barking to Tooting in 15 minutes...

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

The wife was looking at herself naked in the mirror last night. She said "Oh God, I look fat ugly and horrible. Is there anything complimentary you can say about me?"

So I said "you've got bloody good eyesight love..."

 

[invegauser]

how do you circumcise a hillbilly?

kick his sister in the jaw.

knock knock. who's there? i eat mop. (say it, say it) hint: ieatmopwho

 

[swedger77]

My mate told me he was "totally into Beyonce"

I said "Whatever floats your boat mate"

He said "er i think you'll find thats buoyancy"

 

[dipitch]

what's the difference between me and cancer?

my dad never beat cancer.

 

[BecomingJulie]

Q. What has wings and flies, but never leaves the ground?

N. N gurnger.

 

[Buspersons Holiday]

What drug do frogs like the most?


Croakaine

 

[BecomingJulie]

Q. What did the 1,2-dibromoethene molecule with the low melting point say to the 1,2-dibromoethene molecule with the high melting point?

A. Don't call me cis!

 

[pinkpapaver]

Keep the old joke threads in the prune. Winter is coming and there's some good un in there.

 

[CFC]

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

Spoiler: cllick me

A rip off

 

[BecomingJulie]

For nearly two weeks, I was travelling on a small fishing boat that was dangerously overloaded with crates of chilli peppers. All the time, we were in constant fear of capsaicin.

 

[BehindtheShadow]

Want to hear a corny joke???

Yeah me too

 

[Buspersons Holiday]

What is 5,000 years old and purple?






The grape wall of China

 

[BehindtheShadow]

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said “Can u describe the symptoms?”
I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair

 

[BecomingJulie]

By the fourth date, each was convinced the night would end with her slipping her finger into a ring .....

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

A burglar breaks into a house and as he's rifling through the drawers he hears a voice from the corner of the room say:

"Jesus is watching you."

Upon investigation, he finds that the source of the voice is only a parrot in a cage.

Undeterred, he continues to collect his swag.

However, he once again hears the parrot say:

"Jesus is watching you."

The burglar is starting to get a little pissed off by now, so he goes up to the cage and says

"Shut the fuck up Polly."

The parrot replies:

"My name isn't Polly, it's Moses."

"Fuck me" says the burglar, "what sort of people call their parrot Moses?"

The parrot replied:

"The same sort of people that call their pit bull Jesus..."

 

[BecomingJulie]

Q. What do you call an Irish man reading the Shipping Forecast?
A. Fionn O'Staugher!

 

[Coffeeshroom]

Here is a few corny "why did the ? cross the road jokes"

Q. Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A. She wanted to stretch her legs.

Q. Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
A. She was afraid someone would Caesar!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
A. To get to the other slide.

Q. Why did the rooster cross the road?
A. To cockadoodle dooo something.

Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A. Because chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the shell station.

Q. Why did the horse cross the road?
A. Because the chicken needed a day off.

Q. Why did the duck cross the road?
A. To prove he wasn't chicken!

Q. Why did the cow cross the road?
A. To get to the udder side!

Q. What happened when the elephant crossed the road?
A. It stepped on the chicken!