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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

The EADD I'm Fucked Megathread v. I'm starting to like Dubstep...

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I used to be really shy/introverted when I was younger too (still am in some ways, just not outwardly) so I can relate to a lot of what's been said here. In high school I had the piss ripped out of me all the time for being quiet/geeky/small/having an unusual name (my official name is actually hyphenated so it's even more unusual... no guesses ;) I love it now but kids are dicks) and literally had no friends at all other than these couple of girls who flitted back to me when they fell out with each other.

So basically when I got to college I made a huge effort to just act super confident and talk to everyone and fuck knows how I managed it but I managed to completely turn myself into the kind of person who was really popular. And eventually I got so good at pretending to be confident in social situations that I actually am now most of the time and can talk to pretty much anyone, especially when I've been drinking/taking drugs. I still love being on my own most of the time, prefer it really, but it's nice not having to be.

The problem I have though is that even though I can always find people to hang around with, I struggle to make really close bonds with people. I guess it's because of past situations I'm just super untrusting and tend not to let people see the real 'me' if I can help it because I think that they won't like me or whatever and that's something I think I'll always struggle with a bit. I'm the type of person that hates mentioning any problems as well because I constantly feel like I'm pissing people off/being boring and that they won't really care or whatever. I wouldn't say that I've got many, if any really close friends which is a shame really. It's just that most people are cunts from my experience, but as you said Inflo, people do surprise you sometimes. And when they do it's even nicer.

I'm not really fucked but I have had a lot of sugar and felt like typing loads. Anyway. Much love <3

;)
 
it was this kind of advice i heard 'talk to ppl, etc' i thought it wont change anything. so i didn't for so long. but so far, its been the best thing that has helped me.

tell someone, ANYONE, even a stranger, like an old person sitting on bench.. if they ask 'how are you?' don't say the normal bull shit. ('good') actually tell them. it feels really good getting it off ur chest.

me telling one of my best friends about my depression (i think it is, not sure) has been the best cure to date. i know he's got my back and i've got his. it takes balls to tell ppl, but when you do, you start to not give a fuck, and ppl do really care.


tbh, i am 25 now. and the subject just came up. was eating dinner with my dad, step-mum. think there was something on tv about weed, they said some stupid comment, i corrected them. I just needed to correct them, you know??? then they debated me. then it just came out, 'i smoke weed' LOL.

but my mum always new cause i lived with her and step-dad when i was younger, so she could smell the weed all the time. she was happy i was smoking and not drinking at all. that was when i was like 17.

i'm still not sure if i should see a doctor or not, i'd do better without i think. not sure
 
It cant hurt going to see the Doctors, I didnt find it particularly useful myself but that may not be the case for you..

They just chucked some SSRI's at me and said see how you get on, when I sat there thinking about it I decided that throwing more drugs at the problem isnt what I need, at least for the moment, need to put the drugs down for some time to see how I get on with that first. There hasnt been many days without a drug in me for the past 15+ years really. Thats where the problem lies id say, ive no idea what it feels like to not be in an altered state.

Worth a shot ay...!
 
I used to be really shy/introverted when I was younger too (still am in some ways, just not outwardly) so I can relate to a lot of what's been said here. In high school I had the piss ripped out of me all the time for being quiet/geeky/small/having an unusual name (my official name is actually hyphenated so it's even more unusual... no guesses ;) I love it now but kids are dicks) and literally had no friends at all other than these couple of girls who flitted back to me when they fell out with each other.

So basically when I got to college I made a huge effort to just act super confident and talk to everyone and fuck knows how I managed it but I managed to completely turn myself into the kind of person who was really popular. And eventually I got so good at pretending to be confident in social situations that I actually am now most of the time and can talk to pretty much anyone, especially when I've been drinking/taking drugs. I still love being on my own most of the time, prefer it really, but it's nice not having to be.

The problem I have though is that even though I can always find people to hang around with, I struggle to make really close bonds with people. I guess it's because of past situations I'm just super untrusting and tend not to let people see the real 'me' if I can help it because I think that they won't like me or whatever and that's something I think I'll always struggle with a bit. I'm the type of person that hates mentioning any problems as well because I constantly feel like I'm pissing people off/being boring and that they won't really care or whatever. I wouldn't say that I've got many, if any really close friends which is a shame really. It's just that most people are cunts from my experience, but as you said Inflo, people do surprise you sometimes. And when they do it's even nicer.

I'm not really fucked but I have had a lot of sugar and felt like typing loads. Anyway. Much love <3

;)


In exactly the same boat, Summer.
 
It cant hurt going to see the Doctors, I didnt find it particularly useful myself but that may not be the case for you..

They just chucked some SSRI's at me and said see how you get on, when I sat there thinking about it I decided that throwing more drugs at the problem isnt what I need, at least for the moment, need to put the drugs down for some time to see how I get on with that first. There hasnt been many days without a drug in me for the past 15+ years really. Thats where the problem lies id say, ive no idea what it feels like to not be in an altered state.

Worth a shot ay...!

^ This
 
^ yeah much <3

i guess i was like same as SS too. in school i was quiet and only 'myself' around my friends. after school i landed a fucking sweet job and somehow - got my confidence up and it was boss.

but still doesn't change whatever chemical imbalance i have in my brain.

i could spend the entire week alone in my room and be 100% happy doing it and keeing myself occupied

[edit] thanks ScotchMist. i guess it wont hurt seeing a doc, and also i'm expecting they will offer me SSRIs. i mean, if they work, then good, change your life while on them. use them as an aid to fix ur problems. but i;ve already changed my life to the best i can without anti-depressants. life is a trip for sure
 
one of my friends siad she is bipolar, i said life is bipolar.


I hope she smacked you in the mouth for being an insensitive, ignorant prick.

So basically when I got to college I made a huge effort to just act super confident and talk to everyone and fuck knows how I managed it but I managed to completely turn myself into the kind of person who was really popular. And eventually I got so good at pretending to be confident in social situations that I actually am now most of the time and can talk to pretty much anyone, especially when I've been drinking/taking drugs. I still love being on my own most of the time, prefer it really, but it's nice not having to be.

The problem I have though is that even though I can always find people to hang around with, I struggle to make really close bonds with people. I guess it's because of past situations I'm just super untrusting and tend not to let people see the real 'me' if I can help it because I think that they won't like me or whatever and that's something I think I'll always struggle with a bit. I'm the type of person that hates mentioning any problems as well because I constantly feel like I'm pissing people off/being boring and that they won't really care or whatever. I wouldn't say that I've got many, if any really close friends which is a shame really. It's just that most people are cunts from my experience, but as you said Inflo, people do surprise you sometimes. And when they do it's even nicer.

This sounds a lot like me. And yeah, I became a 'popular' person. Very much so, but at a distance dictated solely by me.

Only after a while, you realise that there aren't many people out there who are worth making strong bonds with. Most people are content to be blissfully ignorant and superficial.

Once the drugs wear off (or stop working) you tend to see that.
 
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Even if you were not in an 'altered state' you would still have the problems. i trued quting drugs for one year, didn't change anything. drugs can possibly add to problems, but the drug problems can seem so minor compared to normal life ha

It cant hurt going to see the Doctors, I didnt find it particularly useful myself but that may not be the case for you..

They just chucked some SSRI's at me and said see how you get on, when I sat there thinking about it I decided that throwing more drugs at the problem isnt what I need, at least for the moment, need to put the drugs down for some time to see how I get on with that first. There hasnt been many days without a drug in me for the past 15+ years really. Thats where the problem lies id say, ive no idea what it feels like to not be in an altered state.

Worth a shot ay...!
 
lol i tihnk i have bipolar actually, you fuck. life isn't 100% great, it is up and down. i was making her feel normal, she agreed with me.

Sorry, but whether you 'tihnk' (sic) you have bipolar or not (and ups and downs are part of everyone's lives - bipolar's a different beast, baby), that's a fucking moronic comment and if you'd said that to me, I'd have sewn your eyelids shut.

See a doctor. Hope you get better.
 
yeah sorry i guess me saying that 'life is bipolar' sounds bad. but i didn't mean it like that at all. she got the right idea i was putting out.

i'm pretty much saying that i don't judge you (or me) for possibly having bipolar. it is a normal thing to have / experiance. it doesn't make you special.
 
Sorry, but whether you 'tihnk' (sic) you have bipolar or not (and ups and downs are part of everyone's lives - bipolar's a different beast, baby), that's a fucking moronic comment

I agree

yeah sorry i guess me saying that 'life is bipolar' sounds bad. but i didn't mean it like that at all.

Makes you sound a bit ignorant, thats all
 
Oh I wasn't on the eph when I was busy reading up on interesting quantum physics research, that is a field I find very interesting at any time, just was on a moderate dose of clonidine and a little bit of gabapentin, although I'm crosstolerant seemingly, I imagine due to my regular dosing chlormethiazole twice a day (usually), I only use other GABAa ligands occasionally, although got about 10mg pyrazolam sat under my tongue waiting to dissolve as I type this, and am satisfyingly wired on eph now, along with a bottle of 'pulmo bailly', a foul-smelling, fouler tasting codeine cough mixture. Stinks, tastes properly gagworthy, but many, many bottles-worth of practice downing various cough mixtures has inured me to its vile taste and it no longer bothers me much.

Got a novelty to test out today, a liquid formulation of STS-135, a novel cannabinoid, this one being N-cumyl-1-(5-fluoropentyl)-indazole-3-carboxamide. Never seen one of these indole or indazole-based cannabinoids having a cumyl group (propan-2-ylbenzyl) before, this was obtained as a new offering from a favoured head shop I patronize plenty often, in a liquid solution, I assume from the taste that the base is either a low-weight liquid polyethylene glycol, or propylene glycol as the warming sensation produced by oral glycerine is not present. Got 3ml as a 1mg/1ml solution, intended for use in E-cigs. Which is apparently equal to quite a few grams of those smoke blend type products, which must make it quite potent indeed.

I am pleased it isn't glycerine-based, trying those kinds of e-liquids showed it to be caustic, choking and near unbreathable when it gets too hot and the glycerine dehydrates into acrolein. I had my first encounter w/acrolein as a middle-way-through secondary school at about 10-11, when I synthesized myself a test tube scale batch using glycerine and sodium bisulfate as the dehydrating agent, distilling the acrolein out of a test tube, mainly because I'd recently read of its existence and known it to be a lachrymator, and had already been exploring the lachrymator properties of chloroacetone, another tear gas (and a most effective one at that, after accidentally getting the container of acetone/a little conc. HCl receiving the chlorine gas stream to overheat due to the exothermic rxn, and flash-boil, vaporizing the entire batch of chloroacetones up into the air in the confines of my garage (which I sadly haven't got anymore, had to be converted to a ground floor room for my mom due to her MS, my current workspace is way too tight and small and cramped, but better than nothing, and at least well-equipped ) volcano style, sending me running for the hills spitting vitriolic invectives galore and with eyes and nose stinging like a prostate exam delivered with a nettle-covered cricket bat. I then read in my chemistry set book about acrolein, mentioned in passing in one of the texts, and set out to make some.

This unlike the chloroacetone shits and giggles, went well, until I finished with the synthesis, and disposed of the formed acrolein down the sink. Would have been fine if I hadn't hit the tap to flush it away, and the kitchen sink cold water tap still on hot mode for a little while, sending heated water down the plughole vaporized plenty acrolein, of which I got a big, unprotected waft and nose full, stuff is plenty worse than chloroacetone/dichloroacetone, and really, really unpleasant to inhale even in whatever quantities are created by E-cig coils overheating glycerine.

Just had a few tokes from the E-cig of this 1mg/ml, and am feeling it quite strongly already. I can't have vaporized more than 20-50 mcg, plus 3 drops sublingually. Rapid onset when inhaled, less if much at all sublingually, although I didn't wait long before booting up 50-150mg of EPH, fucking vasoconstriction is IMO the main turnoff of the latter. So this cannabinoid must be active at doses of between maybe 50-80mcg at a very, very rough guess. I'd need to weigh three average drops of this from the same nozzle tip to estimate. Frickin' strong one at any rate, so nobody if obtaining STS-135 in bulk powder, even think of eyeballing. Perhaps the most potent indazole-3-carboxamide based cannabinoids, even more so than 5-fluoropentyl-APINACA, which has a kick like a mule but very short-lived once taken.

Will note how long this one lasts. (note to self:2:35PM, time of admin). Kinda mellower though than 5-fluoropentyl-APINACA or its nonfluorinated parent, less rapidly disorienting and head-rushy than either compound, although it should be noted I've only used either in a bong, and this via E-cig/sublingual. Current EPH dose 300-350mg or so IV, divided doses.

Going to wait a fair while for the last shot of EPH for a bit (coming right up:)) for it to wear off before hitting the MXP/diphenidine, aside from a small line of diphenidine to add a bit of sparkle to these. Decided not to go for the BK-2CB though today, tomorrow perhaps, didn't fancy mixing it with a strong vasoconstrictor and dissociative, although I do intend to try the latter addition. And EPH really is annoyingly vasoconstrictive as fuck.

Time to get down to some research on the stuff I've been reading. Look up 'magnetricity' Polyakov-T' Hooft monopoles, Dirac monopoles and magnetic monopoles in general. Its been done in some special compounds that are a state of matter known as spin ice. Looks like there has been successful discovery in measuring quantization of magnetic charge, which means that at least within these spin ice materials, at liquid He cryogenic temperatures, actually can contain monopoles, weather they exist at all as free particles in the vacuum of space is another question entirely. I wonder, if with these magnetic conductor-esque materials a capacitor for electric charge couldn't be fabricated. Would be interesting to know. And apparently a free monopole would be highly ionizing, wonder if this happens also in situ in these solid compounds and could be taken advantage of somehow by generating energy or storing it using cryogenic liquids, taking care of the heating that must be going on if these quasiparticle monopole thingies are ionizing and increasing the energy level of their substrate when its a solid, such as the ceramic dysprosium titanate. Not too complex a material, would be cool to try growing some crystals of it and seeing where I can find myself some liquid helium supplies to try and extract power from cooling rather a material. As the electric and magnetic forces are coupled into one , as the fundamental electromagnetic force, along with the other three, the strong nuclear force, weak force and gravitation.

I figure it should be possible to couple together an electric current and magnetic field to detect it, if I could obtain something sensitive enough to amplify the (electric) signal. Any ideas people? And what happens when these materials are exposed to a superconductor, as a dipole magnet levitates.

Wish I wasn't fucking dyscalculic and math-blind more or less, as I'm stuck with explanations aimed for advanced consumer with good science knowledge level and can't really try and discover much more easily myself, in terms of mathematical explanations/theories for things on that level. Its really something that pisses me off actually.

But I am to mathematics, what your average deep-sea fish with a bunch of big fangs and fucked up looking eyes and glowing bits is to riding a bicycle, generally speaking. Been shite at it ever since primary school and ended up falling way too far behind in my lfa school and HFA/AS bording school later got further still behind in math.

Always hated the subject too, which probably didn't help either:P

Been wondering something else too, what such separated magnetic charges have on charged or neutral plasmas, there seem to have been a few spin ice materials discovered now. I'd love to experiment. And if in the case of single-crystal quantum spin ices, that the newly discovered strongly-correlated quantum spin liquid (which is physically solid) herbertsmithite couldn't be used as a dielectric for an attempted magnetic capacitor.

I seem to get condensed matter physics rather better than quantum physics involving advanced math and spacetime geometry, and high-energy level quantum physics, although its a really interesting up and coming area of research. Absolutely shit at getting string theory/M-theory though. My algebra is near nonexistent, rudimentary at best, and higher-dimensional math isn't gonna happen at all IMO.

Although faye kane's blog when she isn't posting BDSM porn and similar kink, then her astrophysics blog entries are pretty interesting, as well as presented in a fucking hilarious manner. Fayekane.blogspot.com for those who want to risk absorbing some interesting astrophysics and quantum mechanics material via the medium of pervy as hell kinky shit and some sick humor.

Interesting lady she is, autie that walked out of a nuclear power plant job for a cyberpunk-esque kitted out tech-cave underground in the woods, after...well...I'll let people decide weather to encounter this chick. Cool as hell though. But out there.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herbertsmithite
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strongly_correlated_quantum_spin_liquid
 
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Can relate to that, i was always fairly quiet and shy as well, more of a thinker.. still kinda am.. was a bit introvert but can be very extroverted, all depends. Always been content with my own company but sociable as well. Pretty rubbish at small talk and shit like that, find it bland and pointless, always have done since i was a lil kid hearing my parents small talk about the weather and dull shite. Love people that babble deep -ness,, reflecting on stuff taken for granted and whatever. Same here on the speaking up in class .. if i was in english and we had to go around the room reading a chapter from a book i'd dread it, class presentations and things like that, although i guess a lot of people are the same

So sorry to hear its gotten worse, and the depression.. Very dark times when its that bad, hopeless, despair, everything feels pointless.. can also relate. most of the depression was my own fault though, infact sending my anxiety and depression through the roof for awhile was my own doing.. abusing booze and meph made it worse.. so then hammer more, etc. cycle. Strangely these days though despite the amount of stuff i hammer its all subsided, dunno why.. and feel more still and calm, that inner peace thing i said about.. feel like i've gained enlightenment at times through tripping but wether thats delusional or not i dunno, tis possible guess. or maybe its age.. or both. i dunno

I can really relate to much of what you've said, glad to hear you've found that inner peace! I think life can often be more difficult for us introverts. Well that's not to say that if you're introverted you're doomed, or that if you're an extrovert it's plain sailing but we are living in a world where extroversion tends to be valued more... Maybe I just need to do more psychs hahaha

Is it wrong that I feel like giving you a big hug right now, whereas if you were some hairy-arsed bloke, I wouldn't be quite so bothered?

Yes it's wrong. :|

I'll end up in that monastery yet...

No Sammy I'd gladly accept a hug <3 hahaha hugs not drugs <3
 
Only after a while, you realise that there aren't many people out there who are worth making strong bonds with. Most people are content to be blissfully ignorant and superficial.

Once the drugs wear off (or stop working) you tend to see that.

Dunno about most... i'd like not to think most anyway but dunno. know some very cool open minded people. but more ignorant superficial people. although i can be quite ignorant sometimes myself tbh. superficial i aint though

as for the drugs, sometimes they can make bonds weird. on meph at times i found myself disliking people that are really nice and i get along well with sober, liking people that i normally wouldnt like, and vice versa, was odd. that stuff was a weird head fuck in the end
 
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that would be like telling someone with no arms to grow arms....

You've got it.

Sorry to seize on your comment earlier, but it really did come across as a dismissal of your friend's pain and suffering. I'm sure that's not how it was meant, but that's how it read.

No Sammy I'd gladly accept a hug <3 hahaha hugs not drugs <3

Even though it's just ever so slightly influenced by the fact you're a beautiful young woman and I'm an ageing lech? You mustn't be too fussy. :D

Hugs and drugs would be pretty good. I should get some drugs.
 
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