MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[ro4eva]

I need help my fellow bluelighters. I have figured out that my heightened senses are due to the fact that the Paxil is acting like a stimulant in my current condition. I went to the store today and I was having flashbacks to when I started my LTC. I couldn't focus on items on the shelf etc.. My DP seems to have gotten worse as well. On the positive side, my senses are strong, I have more energy, and my mood has lifted noticeably.

So, my question is, should I continue with Paxil as if this is just a phase or should I stop taking it altogether? Will this keep getting worse? I was pretty close to a panic attack today as well with my heart skipping a beat and I haven't had those problems in a couple of months. So, in some ways I feel better and in some ways I feel it's been a setback.

Although I believe we all react a little differently to drugs (especially psychotropic drugs), I definitely think it's a phase, and you'll move past it if you stick with the regime. My opinion is based on my own personal experience with four different SSRIs (including Paxil) - one of which I ended up staying on for several months, until several severe LTC-related symptoms ceased to exist, at which time I decided it was time to taper off the SSRI.

I also experienced very vivid flashbacks during my first 4 weeks on an SSRI. In my case, it was Zoloft (Sertraline) and not Paxil (Paroxetine) - but still the same family of antidepressants.

The first few weeks are by far the hardest for almost everyone who is starting SSRI treatment, due to the severe adverse side effects one may (or may not) experience. For this reason, as much as 1 in 3 patients give up on the treatment. Also, for this reason, the prescribing doctor will usually also prescribe a benzodiazepine on the side in order to help alleviate some of those side effects, such as anxiety, nervousness, vivid dreams, panic attacks, insomnia, and so forth.

I know that it's much easier said than done, but try your best not to give up.

If you're able to book some time off work or school in order to concentrate on your recovery, it may help you better tolerate the aforementioned side effects, as it did for me.

By taking 6 months off work, I was able to "ride out" the first few weeks of treatment by keeping my body as comfortable as possible, and my mind concentrated on something which did not require much effort, but was also interesting and/or entertaining.

In other words, I became a couch potato for about 3 weeks, due to the side effects being so severe (on top of the LTC symptoms - it was really bad and I was thinking a lot about suicide at that time). I remember for one of those weeks watching 24 (Seasons 1 to 4) back to back while eating relatively healthy food. I know this may sound very unhealthy, but it was actually quite therapeutic for my mind, which was by far the biggest issue. Obviously I did get up and took breaks, walked/jogged best I could for a good hour each day, avoided any recreational or non-prescribed mind-altering substances including caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol. I felt the benefits far outweighed the risks.

Afterwards (after the SSRI acute-adverse side effects stopped), I gradually got back into running errands, exercising, being productive at home, etc.

I did have some issues with procuring a benzo script at first, as my psychiatrist was concerned that I would increase my dosage without his consent, but I managed not to.

Good luck with everything - I hope that things work out for you (it's a really difficult time, I sincerely feel bad for you, but again, don't give up - it will pass, I promise)

 

[PJ2]

I appreciate the responses. I never had side effects previously when taking Paxil so this regressing to my earlier LTC symptoms sort of has me freaked out. Like right now, my temples are very tight with pressure, which is a symptom I've been over for a long time and had actually forgotten about. My symptom list had been reduced to sleeping problems and mild brain fog with I guess a fair amount of fatigue and depression (which is why I decided to start taking Paxil). Anyway, if it's a phase you guys think will pass, I will continue taking it for now.

 

[India111]

Btw thanks to you all for your kind words the other day, i was feeling really low. Thankfully my mood has picked up a bit, my sinus pressure and nausea has subsided luckily, still there occasionally. I think i was just ill but it sort of mixed in with the comedown and left me feeling even shittier than normal. My energy levels are back to how they were before, still really tired all the time but i can just about carry on with my day, anxiety is also back to how it was before. So my night getting drunk/doing coke/possibly getting ill as a result made me regress for around two weeks i'd say, like i said thankfully my regression only lasted this long because i was so pissed off at myself for setting myself back. Me and my boyfriend both have a week off next week (i actually am now working part time, told work i was having difficulty with the hours and they were thankfully so nice about it) and we were thinking of booking a last minute holiday somewhere. I'm going to just relax and not worry about not having the energy to do anything like go sightseeing, I'll just do what i can. I'm also completely banning myself from going on bluelight while I'm away, i shouldn't spend this much time on here as it is but it's nice to hear from people going through the same stuff as me

Edit: to the ssri-ers (Coderbrah, rphilli etc) I'm so happy for you that things are looking up. I have actually been on ssri's before, citalopram which is one of the newer ones. Apparently it's less strong that other ssri's but it worked for me (then again my anxiety a year or so ago was nowhere near as bad, looking back i didn't even need to be on meds really). I'm going to see how i feel at the end of this job contract in September before deciding whether or not to go back on them

 

[thejibberman]

After the last two weeks, I certainly believe your recovery is as fast as you make it. On month 4, in fact I literally just realised I've made it to month 4 by looking at the date on my mac. Improvement and recovery in everything (EVEN THE EYE FLOATERS, FINALLY!) is happening. Muscle spasms are super rare now, I'm talking once a week. Eyesight is still a little off in terms of light sensitivity, but I don't really pay much attention to it anymore. Completely happy guy again, got my old job back for the summer too, which forces me to take my mind off, and think for others. Luckily, this all happened back in March, and I finished Uni in May, I gained a huge fear for Uni and living away from home after all that but now I totally feel ready and pumped to go back. My thinking is better than it was before, I've been reading book after book, youtube video after youtube video on my studies.

I remember e-mailing Coderbrah about a month ago, and we were talking about feeling crazy after this whole fiasco with this euphoric but consequential drug. After not using bluelight EVERYDAY and checking up on myself EVERYDAY, I no longer feel crazy. Like I seriously felt I was in another dimension, and hearing about people on the news with a mental illness, I'd then get worried I would be labelled in that category. The only thing driving myself crazy was me. I've still got few visual problems and some other symptoms remaining, but the more I get on with my life, the more they go. It's a one way thing. Everybody with an LTC (Anxiety from MDMA) needs to continue with their life, if you don't, you will not recover.

I also don't think anyone should use percentages for their current health too.

 

[Tpchan85]

I'm on month 5. Can honestly say mentally I'm feeling pretty much all there now. I find it strange how physical symptoms come and go. Like I had the head pressure around month 2 and it went away, now its come back again. I guess changing symptoms can only be a sign that damage is repairing. Skipped heartbeats stopped out of the blue as well, you have no idea how happy I am about this one! Still got bad muscle spasms though and chest pain that comes and goes. Feeling pretty positive now.

 

[coderbrah]

That's awesome guys, looks like this generation of sufferers is getting back on it's feet!

 

[imabicycle]

except for me . Dawglaw or ro4eva are you familiar with comedowns that got progressively worse over time? I'm barely able to stand up right now I haven't felt this bad yet and im four months in. I've had a few good weeks but always quickly relapsed. Have you guys seen such a case before? How did they end?

 

[coderbrah]

except for me . Dawglaw or ro4eva are you familiar with comedowns that got progressively worse over time? I'm barely able to stand up right now I haven't felt this bad yet and im four months in. I've had a few good weeks but always quickly relapsed. Have you guys seen such a case before? How did they end?

Hey man, I'm sorry if my message might've made you feel left out. I feel you, I really do. I might be slowly recovering but every day is still really hard. My fatigue was so bad I lied on the couch all day and didn't leave my house for months. As a matter of fact today I had a pretty shitty day as well. But overall calling out for professional help was the best thing I did. Please ask for a reference to a psychiatrist, trust me. You're currently in a very very deep hole and suffering like this only takes away what little mental energy you have. Some in this LTC might be able to continue their normal activities with their symptoms and might not need professional help. But I really honestly think you will thank yourself if you seek help though.

I'm not trying to get you on meds or anything, but I also don't want to see you suffer because I know EXACTLY what you are feeling, and guess what- I'm starting to go to the gym this monday! Please at least consider it.

 

[imabicycle]

ye sorry sometimes i cant help myself typing negative stuff didnt mean to complain or at least didnt mean to appear like im not happy for you. I am of course. Im not going on meds whatever the case. but imma go to italia with my parents and if I dont come back i will go to a psychiatrist. I always wanted to just do this on my own you know. I feel like I´ll feel stronger if I can overcome this problem without help. But we´ll see. Thanks for the reply anyways.

 

[coderbrah]

So I'm thinking of trying a bit of wine and shisha (just tobacco) on seperate ocassions and without benzo use. How has tobacco and alcohol treated you guys as far as symptoms?

 

[coderbrah]

ye sorry sometimes i cant help myself typing negative stuff didnt mean to complain or at least didnt mean to appear like im not happy for you. I am of course. Im not going on meds whatever the case. but imma go to italia with my parents and if I dont come back i will go to a psychiatrist. I always wanted to just do this on my own you know. I feel like I´ll feel stronger if I can overcome this problem without help. But we´ll see. Thanks for the reply anyways.

Nah man I don't see any negativity, I just see suffering and a bit of myself in that post. We're always here for you whatever your choice, I respect your views.

 

[Dawglaw]

Remember that recovery generally isn't linear. I snapped out of my DR spell for a few hours about a week in and was great until I downed a quad espresso and went straight to hell with LTC overdrive.

You cannot turn off the symptoms you are experience but you can create an environment that promotes healthy brain function - namely being positive and optimistic.

I'm sorry you're feeling worse. You will have up days and down days - we all did. It sucks to stare at the calendar and be like we'll I'm in month 3 and another poster felt great at month 3 so I must be fucked. While we all suffered similarly, our come downs are as individual as we are, same with our recoveries.

Try your hardest to work through the setbacks. If things feel like they are getting worse it may be worth it to talk to a professional about mitigating some of the symptoms via meds or cbt.

There is no shame in reaching out for help. I did it and it was instrumental in my recovery.

 

[thejibberman]

I'm sorry you're feeling worse. You will have up days and down days - we all did. It sucks to stare at the calendar and be like we'll I'm in month 3 and another poster felt great at month 3 so I must be fucked. While we all suffered similarly, our come downs are as individual as we are, same with our recoveries.

this x1m

 

[Rocken]

Hey guys. I made a topic post on this, but was directed to post here. I'm having a really odd LTC that seems to be different from what I'm reading here. Basically, even though it's four months after this came on I still feel as bad as ever. It feels, daily, like I'm experiencing an unending high of varying intensity, and as time has passed the 'secondary' symptoms like brain fog, vertigo, snow, etc have been getting worse. Has anyone felt like this before? Right now I'm so dizzy and fogged up it's a struggle to really do anything. All I can do without getting overwhelmed is lie and watch a TV/computer screen.

I've been given olanzapine by a doc, but I'm not sure if I should take it. He outright admitted that he had no idea what was wrong with me, and based off my description of what an MDMA high feels like he thought the pills might help the 'agitation'.

Edit: SSRI's seem like the go-to medicine for MDMA after effects, but since I'm feeling some kind of lingering, long-term high I'm not sure if they're the right thing either.

 

[coderbrah]

Hey guys. I made a topic post on this, but was directed to post here. I'm having a really odd LTC that seems to be different from what I'm reading here. Basically, even though it's four months after this came on I still feel as bad as ever. It feels, daily, like I'm experiencing an unending high of varying intensity, and as time has passed the 'secondary' symptoms like brain fog, vertigo, snow, etc have been getting worse. Has anyone felt like this before? Right now I'm so dizzy and fogged up it's a struggle to really do anything. All I can do without getting overwhelmed is lie and watch a TV/computer screen.

I've been given olanzapine by a doc, but I'm not sure if I should take it. He outright admitted that he had no idea what was wrong with me, and based off my description of what an MDMA high feels like he thought the pills might help the 'agitation'.

Edit: SSRI's seem like the go-to medicine for MDMA after effects, but since I'm feeling some kind of lingering, long-term high I'm not sure if they're the right thing either.

I have the same thing. Feeling as if I am still high (especially when listening to music its like im still spacing). Luckily this has died down A LOT. So no, you're not unique or crazy, some of us might word things differently and the intensity of our symptoms dont really hit home on a computer screen. But believe me I know what you're feeling

Regarding Olanzapine: I was given this by my psychiatrist to help with some musical hallucinations I was experiencing at night but it did nothing for me. When I quit it after a few days though I got massive rebound anxiety. If you want something for short term relief, benzos are definitely the way to go (since your brain is lacking inhibiting activity (the serotonin) its basically in overdrive burning itself out). But watch out for dependence.

Yes SSRIs seem the way to go. They will also help with the high feeling (for example Ive been able to listen to trance music recreationally this past week without getting flashbacks to my trip), but be aware these feelings will get worse before going in remission when you first start an SSRI.

Also try to get a psychiatrist. Doctors really dont know that much about this kind of thing.

 

[Rocken]

I have the same thing. Feeling as if I am still high (especially when listening to music its like im still spacing). Luckily this has died down A LOT. So no, you're not unique or crazy, some of us might word things differently and the intensity of our symptoms dont really hit home on a computer screen. But believe me I know what you're feeling

Regarding Olanzapine: I was given this by my psychiatrist to help with some musical hallucinations I was experiencing at night but it did nothing for me. When I quit it after a few days though I got massive rebound anxiety. If you want something for short term relief, benzos are definitely the way to go (since your brain is lacking inhibiting activity (the serotonin) its basically in overdrive burning itself out). But watch out for dependence.

Yes SSRIs seem the way to go. They will also help with the high feeling (for example Ive been able to listen to trance music recreationally this past week without getting flashbacks to my trip), but be aware these feelings will get worse before going in remission when you first start an SSRI.

Also try to get a psychiatrist. Doctors really dont know that much about this kind of thing.

Thank you so much. You don't know how relieving it is to hear that someone knows what you're talking about. I've been searching everywhere for some explanation for months, and neither doctors nor the internet had any answers. I really appreciate you taking the time to type this.

How long did you have your symptoms for before you began SSRIs? I used to take benzos, but after a little while they seemed to begin to make the high feel worse so I stopped taking them.

 

[coderbrah]

Yeah I couldn't really find an explanation as well but eventually I just pushed it into the dissasociation category.

Initially the benzos did help right? I've read reports that benzos over time might indeed bring on new symptoms or make current symptoms worse.

In 3 days I'll be going into my 6th month. I started taking Lexapro 24 days ago on 5mg and am almost 2 weeks on 10mg. I started off so slow because the startup of the SSRI was tough to say the least .

 

[Dawglaw]

^^^ When I first went to the doctor, I was unable to clearly articulate what the fuck was going on inside my mind. I described it exactly like eating an edible that has lasted for 2 weeks. I truly felt like I was stoned off my ass - which was absolutely terrifying.

After a while, we figured out that it was strong DP/DR. No bueno.

Rocken - welcome to BL, you are not alone.

 

[Tpchan85]

How does everyone here that's recovering still react to alcohol or other substances? After 2 pints my heart starts to really pound in my chest regardless of how anxious I really feel - it probably reaches about 120 bpm, then 2 pints later it starts to settle down again, not really sure what to think of that. It's like I have physical not mental anxiety, my subconscious seems to reject any mind altering substances and release a wave of adrenaline.

 

[Rocken]

Yeah I couldn't really find an explanation as well but eventually I just pushed it into the dissasociation category.

Initially the benzos did help right? I've read reports that benzos over time might indeed bring on new symptoms or make current symptoms worse.

In 3 days I'll be going into my 6th month. I started taking Lexapro 24 days ago on 5mg and am almost 2 weeks on 10mg. I started off so slow because the startup of the SSRI was tough to say the least

.

Was it just a spacey feeling for you, or did the highs feel pretty euphoric too? Mine feel pleasurable in a physical sense, and wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the other symptoms it causes.

Yeah, the benzos worked for a while then, one day, they just seemed to start to make things worse. I was using them pretty sparingly too so it was very unlikely to be tolerance. Makes sense if you've read material to that effect.

I'm seeing a psych in two weeks. I don't expect things will get any better by then, but I'll mention this stuff about SSRIs. They were mentioned in my preliminary assessment, anyhow.

Sorry to hear it was such a struggle for you to start them, but sounds like it was worth the pain.

Rocken - welcome to BL, you are not alone.

Thanks. Feeling much, much better already, just knowing that.