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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)
- Thread starter HarrytheHead
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ro4eva, I should have said visual disturbances as opposed to outright hallucinations. If I started hearing voices and such or seeing things not there, game over. I would never take it again. Today was better and I was in a better frame of mind. Headache is still persisting pretty bad and DP/DR is worse still. Day 12.
Scared, it all depends man. I've gone a week or longer a few times without taking anything and some weeks I'll take Xanax 2 or 3 times. I generally try to avoid taking it on consecutive days and it usually isn't a problem because Xanax seems to alleviate my symptoms for at least a couple of days. I have .5 milligrams or the pink pill. I've only taken more than one a few times. So far, I've felt no addiction to it and I have not noticed any tolerance to it yet either. Just a positive experience all around for me thus far. In fact, don't know where I would be without it especially the first couple of months. I was always on the verge of a panic attack. I no longer feel that bad anymore.
Knowing I have a relief valve available so to speak is reassuring unto itself. I've refilled two times already and I am still on the first bottle.
Scared, it all depends man. I've gone a week or longer a few times without taking anything and some weeks I'll take Xanax 2 or 3 times. I generally try to avoid taking it on consecutive days and it usually isn't a problem because Xanax seems to alleviate my symptoms for at least a couple of days. I have .5 milligrams or the pink pill. I've only taken more than one a few times. So far, I've felt no addiction to it and I have not noticed any tolerance to it yet either. Just a positive experience all around for me thus far. In fact, don't know where I would be without it especially the first couple of months. I was always on the verge of a panic attack. I no longer feel that bad anymore.
Knowing I have a relief valve available so to speak is reassuring unto itself. I've refilled two times already and I am still on the first bottle.
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ro4eva
Bluelighter
Xanax (Alprazolam) has been an enormous help for me as well. I've been on it for almost 9 years for panic disorder, which was diagnosed separately from the LTC. However, while on it, I noticed it also helped considerably with SSRI side effects and even some LTC symptoms.
To this day I'm still on 0.5mg TID, and I haven't felt the need to increase my dosage, nor has the therapeutic effect stopped, which is weird because I was told that by this time I'd be using up a month's supple in a few days, which has never happened. I guess I must be one of the lucky ones, meaning my body reacts 'differently' to the drug's presence.
Don't get me wrong, I am physically dependent, and have experienced full-blown withdrawal on numerous occasions for other reasons, but feelings of craving it hasn't been a problem, thankfully.
Delfin
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 21, 2014
- Messages
- 78
(Almost) Recovered from a LTC
I thought it was time for an update, as I haven't been on here for quite a while now. Some people might know my story, but to sum it up, I did some MDMA (a very small amount, but my first time) at NYE, and during the night I also did some coke, smoked some weed and drank a lot of alcohol - 2 days later I had a massive panic attack and I was to experience several months of severe anxiety and depression.
The first 4 months were the worst! during this period I struggled with hardcore anxiety, depression, daily suicidal thoughts, no libido, ED issues and visual disturbances (a lot of eye floaters). I tried every single solution to ease the pain; all kinds of supplements, daily exercise, cognitive therapy, but eventually I got too desperate and I was prescribed lexapro. I saw this as my final solution, the last resort, and I went for it because I at the time was at a state of constant suicide thoughts. It didn't do the job for me, even though I was only on it for 3-4 weeks (which isn't enough time to experience its benefits) but ironically it was just what I needed. I guess that I started to realize that I needed to stop to stress about finding the "magic pill" that would end all of my suffering, and instead try to accept my condition in order to move forward. So I did! I started to practice mindfulness and yoga, after understanding how many people it has helped on this community, and it really made a huge difference to me. (Note: I've always believed things like mindfulness etc. was bullshit prior to my comedown). I think time, patience and some kind of calmness (which in my case were provided by mindfulness and yoga) really does the trick - along with some regular exercise.
I’m currently on my 7th month of my long term comedown, and even though it's somewhat meaningless to put a percentage on your recovery, I would consider myself 90% recovered and occasionally 100% - and this is mainly because of mindfulness! the tools mindfulness provide really comes in handy, especially at hard times !
Today I still suffer from minor anxiety, but it can't compare to what I experienced the first 4 months! I guess what I experience now is some kind of emotional oversensitivity; things that affected me negative before my comedown, now have a bigger emotional impact on me today, but so far it haven't prevented me from living my life again. Actually life is pretty good again. Since I overcame the worst months, I got through my studies, and eventually graduated from university and now have a bachelor degree with top grades. I'm moving away from friends and family this year to study my master at the capitol of my country and I have managed to get myself a girlfriend again. These were all things I never thought were possible again, but times changes, and so do you.
Your comedown is not permanent! (but it may have changed you for good)
I believe I too will feel a lot better in a couple of months. I will get better at handling my oversensitivity, and my other remaining symptoms will get better too, as they have done so far (these includes my ED-issues, and some eye floaters).
I am thankful for this community and for everything it has done for me, it is truly an amazing place!
A special thanks to the people who have provided me with answers, support and guidance - Derok, Maya, THeW0rm, Zebrafish, Dawglaw and so on. But a very special thanks to ScaredFirstTimer for all our long chats on skype through this very dark chapter of our lives !
I will follow up on this recovery in a couple of months, but until that I’m very willing to answer any question you may have..
Delfin
I thought it was time for an update, as I haven't been on here for quite a while now. Some people might know my story, but to sum it up, I did some MDMA (a very small amount, but my first time) at NYE, and during the night I also did some coke, smoked some weed and drank a lot of alcohol - 2 days later I had a massive panic attack and I was to experience several months of severe anxiety and depression.
The first 4 months were the worst! during this period I struggled with hardcore anxiety, depression, daily suicidal thoughts, no libido, ED issues and visual disturbances (a lot of eye floaters). I tried every single solution to ease the pain; all kinds of supplements, daily exercise, cognitive therapy, but eventually I got too desperate and I was prescribed lexapro. I saw this as my final solution, the last resort, and I went for it because I at the time was at a state of constant suicide thoughts. It didn't do the job for me, even though I was only on it for 3-4 weeks (which isn't enough time to experience its benefits) but ironically it was just what I needed. I guess that I started to realize that I needed to stop to stress about finding the "magic pill" that would end all of my suffering, and instead try to accept my condition in order to move forward. So I did! I started to practice mindfulness and yoga, after understanding how many people it has helped on this community, and it really made a huge difference to me. (Note: I've always believed things like mindfulness etc. was bullshit prior to my comedown). I think time, patience and some kind of calmness (which in my case were provided by mindfulness and yoga) really does the trick - along with some regular exercise.
I’m currently on my 7th month of my long term comedown, and even though it's somewhat meaningless to put a percentage on your recovery, I would consider myself 90% recovered and occasionally 100% - and this is mainly because of mindfulness! the tools mindfulness provide really comes in handy, especially at hard times !
Today I still suffer from minor anxiety, but it can't compare to what I experienced the first 4 months! I guess what I experience now is some kind of emotional oversensitivity; things that affected me negative before my comedown, now have a bigger emotional impact on me today, but so far it haven't prevented me from living my life again. Actually life is pretty good again. Since I overcame the worst months, I got through my studies, and eventually graduated from university and now have a bachelor degree with top grades. I'm moving away from friends and family this year to study my master at the capitol of my country and I have managed to get myself a girlfriend again. These were all things I never thought were possible again, but times changes, and so do you.
Your comedown is not permanent! (but it may have changed you for good)
I believe I too will feel a lot better in a couple of months. I will get better at handling my oversensitivity, and my other remaining symptoms will get better too, as they have done so far (these includes my ED-issues, and some eye floaters).
I am thankful for this community and for everything it has done for me, it is truly an amazing place!
A special thanks to the people who have provided me with answers, support and guidance - Derok, Maya, THeW0rm, Zebrafish, Dawglaw and so on. But a very special thanks to ScaredFirstTimer for all our long chats on skype through this very dark chapter of our lives !
I will follow up on this recovery in a couple of months, but until that I’m very willing to answer any question you may have..
Delfin
Happy for you Delfin 
I can't remember if i mentioned on here before i left but i went on holiday for a few days this week. During this time i stayed off bluelight and although the fatigue and Dr/dp stopped me from having a great time as i found myself too tired to do much, it was still nice to get away for a bit.
I've now passed the three month mark, and as a result i realised i think it's better i take a break from bluelight for a month or two. i love hearing about everyone's progress but i think generally it's just part of me obsessing about my symptoms so it'll do me good to take a break.
Speak to you all soon, stay cool
I can't remember if i mentioned on here before i left but i went on holiday for a few days this week. During this time i stayed off bluelight and although the fatigue and Dr/dp stopped me from having a great time as i found myself too tired to do much, it was still nice to get away for a bit.
I've now passed the three month mark, and as a result i realised i think it's better i take a break from bluelight for a month or two. i love hearing about everyone's progress but i think generally it's just part of me obsessing about my symptoms so it'll do me good to take a break.
Speak to you all soon, stay cool
I thought I'd give you all an update on my Lexapro experience. I'm currently on 4,5 weeks and 1 week on 15mg.
I have thusfar experienced the following benefits.
Sensitivity to music is completely gone now. Before I experienced music the same as you would on X; floating all around me, very intense except without any good feelings. Everytime I would listen to music I would get a deep deep feeling of depression and because of it I almost never listened to music. It's totally gone now! In fact I'm walking around with my earbuds in playing music on my phone like I used to before this all happened and I'm enjoying music the exact same way.
Depression- this is now at an all-time low. I struggled so hard with such crushing depression believing I could die any day now. In fact aside from the odd sadness here and there I haven't felt depressed in a good 2 weeks now.
Fatigue- this is a lot less. It's still too much for me to go back to lifting weights but at least I can walk long distances now without being tired. I can also dance and ride my bike which is good.
No more post orgasm panic. I used to not masturbate because I would feel incredibly panicky and depressed for multiple days afterwards. This has gone as well.
Apart from startup and dosage increase side effects (increased anxiety and a temporary worsening of symptoms) I have no other side effects except from delayed orgasm and my penis needing more stimulation than usual to maintain erect. My libido and the orgasm itself have remained the same. I have had sex with a girl last sunday and I enjoyed it so much.
I have thusfar experienced the following benefits.
Sensitivity to music is completely gone now. Before I experienced music the same as you would on X; floating all around me, very intense except without any good feelings. Everytime I would listen to music I would get a deep deep feeling of depression and because of it I almost never listened to music. It's totally gone now! In fact I'm walking around with my earbuds in playing music on my phone like I used to before this all happened and I'm enjoying music the exact same way.
Depression- this is now at an all-time low. I struggled so hard with such crushing depression believing I could die any day now. In fact aside from the odd sadness here and there I haven't felt depressed in a good 2 weeks now.
Fatigue- this is a lot less. It's still too much for me to go back to lifting weights but at least I can walk long distances now without being tired. I can also dance and ride my bike which is good.
No more post orgasm panic. I used to not masturbate because I would feel incredibly panicky and depressed for multiple days afterwards. This has gone as well.
Apart from startup and dosage increase side effects (increased anxiety and a temporary worsening of symptoms) I have no other side effects except from delayed orgasm and my penis needing more stimulation than usual to maintain erect. My libido and the orgasm itself have remained the same. I have had sex with a girl last sunday and I enjoyed it so much.
ScaredFirstTimer
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2013
- Messages
- 317
Thanks yourself man! It's amazing how helpful it has been to talk with you during as you say, this dark chapter of our lives. Finally both of us see the light at the end of the tunnel, and have resumed something very close to a normal life
ro4eva
Bluelighter
I think it's great news that you're feeling better, and I'm especially glad that you received support from other BLers in similar situations (past or present).
Hopefully, later on down the line when you're feeling fully recovered, if you happen to stumble upon someone who is suffering from a LTC and is clearly in despair, perhaps you can provide some guidance.
Also, I just wanted to say that, regarding percentages in relation to how much someone has recovered - I know it may seem silly to use percentages, but for example, in my case I experienced about 20 LTC-related symptoms which were making my life a living hell. And for each one of these symptoms, whenever they stopped affecting me, I increased my recovery rate by 5%. It's crude I know, but I had decided to keep a journal so I needed a way to measure them. Just wanted to point that out - that's all.
Good luck with everything
ro4eva
Bluelighter
Just in case you're not aware, this is to be expected with SSRIs.
Some people actually are on SSRIs off label for premature ejaculation - or so I've heard.
Anyways, glad you're doing better, take care.
Day 16 SSRI Paxil update brought to you by your good friends at Geico.
Ha! For those thinking about trying it, my anxiety symptoms and DP/DR have gotten slightly worse. My sleep and energy levels have increased. I am actually sort of on a normal sleeping pattern for the first time in months. Oh, and the headaches have returned for sure along with some nausea. Basically, I have a lot of the symptoms of the initial acute phase as I call it just in a milder form, but I am sleeping better and have more energy.
I am hoping the side effects wear off soon as a lot of these symptoms I had already gotten past - I thought.
Ha! For those thinking about trying it, my anxiety symptoms and DP/DR have gotten slightly worse. My sleep and energy levels have increased. I am actually sort of on a normal sleeping pattern for the first time in months. Oh, and the headaches have returned for sure along with some nausea. Basically, I have a lot of the symptoms of the initial acute phase as I call it just in a milder form, but I am sleeping better and have more energy.
I am hoping the side effects wear off soon as a lot of these symptoms I had already gotten past - I thought.
ScaredFirstTimer
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2013
- Messages
- 317
Good to hear man!
Funny LTC story: Early in my LTC I got a panic attack when the girl I was with didn't want to give me a BJ.
ro4eva
Bluelighter
Hey rphili72,
I still strongly believe it's a temporary 'bump in the road'.
I've experienced quite a few while I was recovering.
For example, one time, I decided to mix my SSRI with an antacid medication (ranitidine). I wasn't too worried because it was OTC, but man, did that combo (for some unknown reason) push me backwards. So many of my symptoms flared up for about a good 10 days. Never again.
A similar thing happened when I mixed the SSRI with diphenhydramine (Benedryl). I blacked out, then woke up all confused and it felt like I was floating. Again, never again.
It wasn't even limited to purely drug interactions. Drinking too much Diet Coke induced severe insomnia, and a manic state. This was the Caffeine-free stuff too (which I almost never touch, let alone drink). Could have been something to do with the artificial sweetener - the aspartame, but no proof.
Does my babbling help at all? I'll shut up now - hang in there man.
thejibberman
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2014
- Messages
- 200
Month 5 in a couple of weeks. Things have gotten soooooooooo much better recently I can't even describe. Clearly not optimum performance, but time is really working with me at the moment. I still don't believe it's any neurotoxicity or anything though. Also Delfin, nice one! Come back in 3-6 months or so and give us the update. India, it should get better in the coming month, this is where I started 'living' instead of 'existing' again. I get spells of DP/DR still, it can happen for a couple of hours weekly, but it's on it's way out the door.
Out of curiosity is anybody's vision feel slightly darker/dimmer than it did before? It feels like mine has but I really haven't dwelled on it. And I'm sensitive to too much sunlight as well. Haloes on lampposts have started to disappear too though so I believe it's getting somewhat better.
Out of curiosity is anybody's vision feel slightly darker/dimmer than it did before? It feels like mine has but I really haven't dwelled on it. And I'm sensitive to too much sunlight as well. Haloes on lampposts have started to disappear too though so I believe it's getting somewhat better.
ro4eva
Bluelighter
When I was on my SSRI - which was Zoloft (Sertraline) - I experienced this type of issue. More specifically, for some reason my eyes were much more sensitive to light - so much so that I had to squint continuously at times while outside in order to even see. And then I'd go inside, and even though the light would be on, it was so dark that I was nearly blind. This also used to happen a lot when I was on OxyContin.
To this day, I still am overly sensitive to bright lights, or a sudden and drastic change in light. Totally messes up my vision for a while (far too dim) until my pupils finally adjust.
If you don't mind me asking, are you currently on any medications (prescription and/or over the counter)? Some of them can certainly cause such a side effect.
What else... How's your daily vitamin and mineral intake? If I recall correctly, Vitamin A is used by the body to help maintain proper vision. So basically, if you could munch on about 100g of baby carrots daily (with some ranch dipping sauce for good taste), they are very high in Vitamin A.
Anyone in your family suffering from diabetes? It's notorious for slowly damaging the ocular nerves, IIRC.
Sorry, I'm just trying to think of what may be the problem, but if I'm not helping then I apologize.
Best of luck friend
Just checking in. Doing much better the last week or so. I found out my ear ache is due to a wisdom tooth, cursing my luck that this and a spell of esophagitis hit right when my LTC kicked off. Panic attacks have stopped and I feel like I can finally do things without being so internally focused. One thing that actually really helped was getting a home blood pressure monitor. Every time I felt a panic attack I sat and took my BP, it was normally a little high but not dangerous so that immeadiatly calmed me down. I would then focus on relaxing until it was down to normal. I guess its sort of positive feedback conditioning. I still feel a bit disconnected from reality but I think that will pass, I think it comes from total disbelief and fear at what happened the last few months. It really was hell on earth.
Day 17
I'm posting today because I want to say that my symptoms were mild today. Very mild. Almost like they might be going away. Knock on wood! And, I can't deny that my mood has been lifted significantly.
I've been noticing lately the whole vision thing that people talk about on here. When my symptoms flare up, it seems my vision will get worse and then improve when things die down. It's sort of bizarre.
I'm posting today because I want to say that my symptoms were mild today. Very mild. Almost like they might be going away. Knock on wood! And, I can't deny that my mood has been lifted significantly.
I've been noticing lately the whole vision thing that people talk about on here. When my symptoms flare up, it seems my vision will get worse and then improve when things die down. It's sort of bizarre.
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