MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[Ifeel4U]

Dude i wouldnt temp fate.. Its not worth it trust me... Its a living hell day in and day out... If you are back to your normal self and 100% i wouldnt touch it... Everyone is diff. But all it takes is that one time "last time" .. And it takes your life away or months or longer...

If i could go back i wouldnt have touched it.. I would give me left nut to go back to the way i was... Im going on 7th week now

 

[India111]

Okay so it's really hard to tell because it mixes with the dp but I'm pretty sure I'm also ill atm, since i was hungover on Sunday of last week i haven't really recovered, once again the anxiety has died down but this week my fatigue is so bad i can't even continue with my day, my nose isn't majority blocked but my sinuses hurt especially when i speak, unfortunately the nausea is back with a vengeance, which sucks because that symptom was almost as bad as the dp. I'm off my food again because i feel like i need to vom constantly. My depression is a lot worse as a result of all this, plus i haven't had any plans for the week so I've just been sat around feeling like shit all the time. There is a cold bug going round atm so i think because of the sinus pressure i must have caught it while i was hungover, as my defences were already super low anyway because of all this. Either way it sucks and it's really bringing me down

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

Okay so it's really hard to tell because it mixes with the dp but I'm pretty sure I'm also ill atm, since i was hungover on Sunday of last week i haven't really recovered, once again the anxiety has died down but this week my fatigue is so bad i can't even continue with my day, my nose isn't majority blocked but my sinuses hurt especially when i speak, unfortunately the nausea is back with a vengeance, which sucks because that symptom was almost as bad as the dp. I'm off my food again because i feel like i need to vom constantly. My depression is a lot worse as a result of all this, plus i haven't had any plans for the week so I've just been sat around feeling like shit all the time. There is a cold bug going round atm so i think because of the sinus pressure i must have caught it while i was hungover, as my defences were already super low anyway because of all this. Either way it sucks and it's really bringing me down

Not fun to hear. Considering the food thing, have you tried cutting out dairy completely? No milk products, cheese etc. I have become intolerant to dairy because of my LTC. Recently it has improved somewhat, and I can eat pizza occasionally for instance, but I won't even try to touch milk for many months yet.

 

[India111]

I have been yes, though having said that i did just have a spaghetti carbonara...so didn't stick to it. I absolutely don't touch milk anymore (i actually prefer soy milk now) and i never ate yogurt anyway so I'll try cutting out cheese again and see if that helps

 

[imabicycle]

ugh you guys im in a constant adrenaline kick again. I'm barely alive. Hard to try to be positive like this. I'm too naseous to even go outside. Maybe someone has an unconventional tip to break this spiral?

 

[niall1290]

Hey guys thought id post in here to give you all some hope as I know exactly what your going through. This is my story.
I began using MDMA several years ago and it was the first "real" drug I tried. I was instantly hooked and thought it was the best feeling in the world (still do). Due to my ignorance I began using almost every weekend, sometimes both Friday and Saturday. This went on for just over 6 months. At the end of these 6 months I was completely burnt out, the MDMA gave me no good feeling whatsoever, and I became extremely depressed and lacked the motivation to do anything. This should have been a sign to get back on track, but no. I ceased MDMA usage however I moved on to Amps/meth/LSD and had a short stint with opiates/benzos. This went on for around 5 months and led me to being near suicidal. I was a complete wreck, I lost my job, apartment, friends and money. All I thought about was partying and the next opportunity to use drugs. Anyway I decided to get my life back on track and fought through depression/DP/anxiety etc and made it out the other end. Today I feel great, better than I did before my abuse even! I still use MDMA on extremely rare occasions (2-3 times per year) and although its definatly what it used to be I still enjoy it a lot. So just a heads up there is hope for you all!

Things I recommend that helped me:

1.Get a new hobby to consume your free time- For me it was weight training. This gives you something to work towards and occupy your mind.
2. Exercise on an almost daily basis, this helped so much due to the natural feel good aspect after it.
3. Eat well, this isn't as important as people make out, but make sure your eating enough and a good wide range of healthy foods.
4. Try and get away from the club/rave scene. For me it was too much temptation to use mdma. try and get out and play sports/ trips out to parks etc. This will show you your real friends too.
5. Avoid all hard drugs and alcohol too if possible. Im not saying NEVER drink alcohol, its not the end of the world but I do feel better without getting drunk every weekend.
6. Positive attitude! as hard as it is just accept how your feeling and remember its not going to be forever! Try not to blame yourself and think of it as an illness you picked up and you know it will end soon.

That's all for now, I don't come on here too often but just thought id share my story and try and uplift you guys. Any questions feel free to ask! Take care guys and you'll be back to yourself in no time!

 

[PJ2]

Well, the long strange trip continues. So, I've been taking Paxil for a handful of days now and, at first, I wasn't liking the queasiness or nauseous feeling I was getting. Now, however, I feel better and this is where it gets trippy. I walked outside yesterday to work on a project and I instantly noticed my level of hearing was significantly better. I started looking around and then I noticed my vision was clearer as well. I am not joking at all. Then, I go to eat lunch and I realize my sense of smell and taste have significantly improved as well. My senses right now are better than maybe since I was a kid. So far, same thing today. Just bizarre. My daily tension/pressure headache while still present has certainly eased too. Tomorrow everything can be different again, hence the long strange trip, but I'd just thought I would share some positives.

 

[PJ2]

India111, it's going to get better. We've all had those really low days/weeks. It's why we are here to help each other. I just got over viral laryngitis for almost two weeks. Never had it before in my life. In fact, I am one of those people that gets sick every 5 years maybe or I used to be that way. The good news is I tolerated OTC medications pretty well, which many have stimulants in them.

Anyway, my suggestion to you is to consider an SSRI and/or a benzo. I have a prescription for Paxil and Xanax. The Paxil seems to be working pretty well so far and the Xanax is for those occasional really bad days or moments. I get almost complete relief from my symptoms if I take a Xanax, but I am careful not to abuse it. I know the dangers.

BTW, the food thing is not that important to recovery IMO. I mean why the avoidance of milk etc.? Well, it's more important in the very beginning I suppose. Not sure how far along you are.

 

[coderbrah]

Well, the long strange trip continues. So, I've been taking Paxil for a handful of days now and, at first, I wasn't liking the queasiness or nauseous feeling I was getting. Now, however, I feel better and this is where it gets trippy. I walked outside yesterday to work on a project and I instantly noticed my level of hearing was significantly better. I started looking around and then I noticed my vision was clearer as well. I am not joking at all. Then, I go to eat lunch and I realize my sense of smell and taste have significantly improved as well. My senses right now are better than maybe since I was a kid. So far, same thing today. Just bizarre. My daily tension/pressure headache while still present has certainly eased too. Tomorrow everything can be different again, hence the long strange trip, but I'd just thought I would share some positives.

How many days are you on Paxil currently? 5? Don't be afraid if it goes south really fast. It's pretty common to get a dip in the second week of an SSRI. Doesn't neccesarily have to happen, just saying so that if it happens you will still push through because this is where a lot of people apparently quit their SSRI.

Also I'm with ya on the meds thing. I'm so glad I started the Lexapro. I've made more progress in the last 1,5 week than I have in over 2 months. (Currently on day 27 of my Lexapro journey). Also the occasional Klonopin gives me so much relief (but it's definitely tempting to take that stuff everyday lol, so I have to be careful).

 

[PJ2]

Yeah, 5 days sounds about right. The one month mark is supposed to be where it actually starts "working." I agree about the Klonopin class drugs. I'm tempted too to take them virtually everyday, but I usually keep it to one day a week.

I am still freaked out about about my senses, but in a good way. Man....

 

[ro4eva]

I'm so glad I started the Lexapro. I've made more progress in the last 1,5 week than I have in over 2 months. (Currently on day 27 of my Lexapro journey). Also the occasional Klonopin gives me so much relief (but it's definitely tempting to take that stuff everyday lol, so I have to be careful).

I'm so happy for you

I remember chatting with you before and getting a sense of severe suffering, despair, and an intense feeling of hopelessness. And based on what I've read, it sounds like you're doing much better, which is great!

I wish you a full recovery - take care.

 

[spor_88]

Hello bluelighters.


I would like to start this off, which is undoubtedly going to be a huge post (I was right!), with a massive thank you to everyone who has contributed to this thread with their experiences and recovery stories. It has been a bright, shining entity of hope at the end of the long, dark tunnel that has been my LTC. Now, leaving abstract metaphors aside, I'll give you a little background on my drug (ab)use over the years.


From the age of 15, I started smoking weed and drinking alcohol. Not overly at first, but as the years went on, it spiraled into daily use of about 2 grams a day. I smoked daily for about 4 years from ages 18 to 22. This was coupled with binge drinking at the weekends, which is kind of like a rite of passage here in Scotland... We've got to keep up the national stereotype, right?


I tried (legal and insanely strong) Mephedrone at some point nearing the end of the 2nd year of my "stoner days" and fell in love with it. I continued to use it every weekend until it became illegal (reckless stupidity, I know). Which in total was about 3 months of weekly use, one time I remember doing a whole gram in a night. I didn't notice much ill effects during this period(although, thinking back, they were definitely present!). I went on using ecstacy pills and MDMA on a pretty regular basis for the next year after Mephedrone was banned. Again this was on top of my weed and alcohol use. I also had a binge that seen 500mg and 3 MDMA capsules of unknown dosages, consumed over 5 consecutive day... The 5th day I was only dosing because I was at a party and wanted to stave off my comedown.


I then discovered the beautiful world of magic mushrooms. I had an epiphany the first time I took them which lead to me giving up smoking weed, which at the time I thought was the source of all of the anxiety and bouts of depression that I had started feeling. It definitely wasn't the 3 ecstacy pills per week which served to make me super sociable . I now believe it was a mixture of both.


Naturally, having this addictive personality that drives me to overdo anything I deem pleasurable (not always a bad thing, I get addicted to exercising, learning, sex and writing extremely long in depth passages on the internet =]) I started using mushrooms a lot. I used them, both as a self improvement tool, (which saw me lose 21lbs in a few months and give up a serious nicotine addiction), and recreationally because, well... they're fucking fun!!! I've also used 2cb about 10 times, acid twice and DMT once.


I took a break from everything for 1 year and went travelling around Australia, I noticed LTC symptoms in the first couple of months it was really hard for me to come out of my shell. I eventually got over these and was back to my old self after that. A quick recovery considering the amount of abuse my brain has faced.


I returned home and fell back into the same traps, I started using pills and mephedrone again on a weekly basis and mushrooms pretty regularly (i've tripped on shrooms around 50-60 times). This time I slipped into a deep depression after the first year. I was under a lot of stress by wanting to change career paths to do something I'm passionate about rather than a job that pays well, but I was scared of making such a big move, especially when most people think you're crazy for leaving a steady job that pays well.


During my depression, I continued to use drugs and alcohol, a lot. At a music festival, i sunk 1 gram of MDMA, around 5 pills and some mushrooms on top of copious amounts of alcohol... I was fucked for about 2 weeks afterwards, massive brain zaps, visual snow, standing up caused vertigo and dizziness, etc. Again, I went back to using drugs because I felt "fine" .... I just attributed anxiety and feeling depressed during the week as a normal part of life. Thinking back, there's been quite a lot of nights where I've taken seriously stupid doses. I've done a gram+ in a night quite a few times.


I continued using stimulants for another year (my caffeine use is also really high), until about 6 weeks ago, in these 6 weeks I've substituted MDMA and mephedrone for 2cb which I last used 1 week ago. I've managed to recover quite a bit even while keeping up drinking and 2cb, which I am going to stop. 2cb helped me cope in the beginning to go on a night out with friends without feeling the need to snort one of the many lines of various drugs going around at parties.


I think that's a pretty good recollection of my poly-drug use over the years. The symptoms I have are as follows:


Severe HPPD, which is worse upon first waking up or when I have a hangover. Edges of objects cease to exist for the first minute or 2 of waking up, or until I get a drink of water... This is more prevalent if I have been drinking alcohol the night before, it's kind of like a strong dose of 2cb where everything vibrates and stretches/skews. This reduces to that of a low dose of a hallucinogen after that, in which my depth perception seems a little off and colours are extremely vivid.


Brain Fog. This is what caused me to come to the realisation that I need to stop drugs. I realised one day whilst sober that it was extremely difficult to think. My inner monologue would start a sentence and halfway through it I would forget what I...um...what I was... em.... thinking about. This completely freaked me out. I thought I had fried my brain, and thinking is one of my favourite things ever. In the first few weeks I couldn't even fathom trying to write a post of this size. Reading was also near impossible during this time.


Anxiety. During weekdays at work, I found it really hard to socialize with my collegues. I was a bit better when it was one on one, but I still struggled. I guess I've always had slight problems with anxiety. Although it's a weird case... sometimes I can be really introverted, and others I can be the loudest person ever and the life of the party (such modesty, I thought mushrooms were supposed to kill my ego)... people also think I've got a good sense of humour.


Depression. I had suicidal thoughts for a while, and generally my mood was at an all time low. Nobody knew about this as I did a great job at hiding it and putting up a happy cheerful front, that anybody looking in would have no idea how I really felt. This has lifted and no longer feel like this.


DP/DR. I think this comes as a direct consequence of my other symptoms. Visual distortions, with brainfog and anxiety just makes everything seem like a dream, and the fact that my short term memory is that of a goldfish doesn't help either.


Bowel/digestion problems. I'm not sure if this is related. I sometimes shit like 5 times a day. Others none. My friend who has accompanied me through this has had the same problem, so it's possibly an adulterant in something we've taken. I also on two separate occasions I've had sharp stabbing pains in my stomach, which cause me to fall to the floor, hyperventilating, profusely sweating for a total of about 5 minutes, then it completely vanish's. I'm getting tests done at the doctors to determine the cause... but in the past tests come back saying that I'm fine. Sometimes this is accompanied by sulphur smelling burps, really strange symptom which subsides after a day or two, has anyone else experienced anything similar? Again, this might not be comedown related, and is exactly the kind of thing that I'd expect from years of abusing my body, thinking that I'm invincible. Infact, I've had the severe stabbing pains about 4 times in my life, twice before I started taking drugs. It could just be an intolerance to unhealthy foods.


So anyway, I'm at week 6 (off MDMA and Mephedrone, although still drinking and taking 2cb)and already I'm starting to see improvements. I meditate daily for around 20 minutes, exercise daily, eat healthily and take multivitamins. All of my symptoms are still present except from the depression, although they are getting progressively better every day. I'm not going to take 2cb any more at the moment as it makes my HPPD worse, and I'm going to be substance free until I get better starting September, when I come back from 2 months travelling around Europe that's commencing next week. I don't want to not enjoy my holiday because of caffeine withdrawals, but I'll drop in after my travels and let everyone know how I'm doing. I've also quit my job as I've decided to start studying for a degree in Psychology... maybe some day I'll figure out exactly what's going on in my head at the moment.


Thanks to anyone that actually managed to read that whole thing. I expect to make a full recovery. I'm very positive about the whole situation, and it's thanks to this thread. Thanks again guys, without this I'd imagine I'd be freaking the fuck out. I'll be back in a couple of months to report back, and maybe I can give someone else hope that hasn't abused drugs to the extent that I did. I wish everyone that's going through this the best of luck and hope you all have a quick recovery. I nearly typed thanks again, again there.... Fucking memory! Thanks, thanks, thanks.

 

[BlueBull]

Thanks to anyone that actually managed to read that whole thing.

It was actually quite a nice read, you seem to have a knack for writing. Just a random question, but have you explored this further? I have no idea if I'm any good at writing, though it seems come easy to me, at least in my native language it does. But whenever I fall on dark times, I just naturally start writing out random stuff. Sometimes fiction, sometimes just an in-depth explanation of my situation at that time. My point is that if you enjoy writing I've always known it to be a great support whenever my head is too full. I tend to over-think things when I have some issue going on and it seems to me that people that experience an LTC (never had one myself, only a short but brutal one) tend to do this as well. And writing it all down seems to really encourage looking at things from other perspectives. That's why I thought I should mention it

Anyways, good read. I'm glad you're getting progressively better. I've only experienced a two week comedown-from-hell once after a 3 day MDMA binge so I can't imagine what it's like to live with that for a long time. You'll get back to 100%, hopefully fast, and you'll be able to look back on this and turn it into a positive influence on what comes after, a learning experience so to speak. I wish you and anyone else experiencing this all the best

 

[spor_88]

Thanks for the kind words. I have never explored it further. Actually, I'd love to write for a magazine or a webpage, although I've never really followed up on that. It seems like an extremely competitive field, in which there will be lots of guys who are better than me tenfold. I was never really any good at writing in school, I got a lot better when I left. If I were to pursue a career in a creative field, it would probably be music. I kind of have the same sort of problem with music that "pmz" mentioned earlier in this thread, about it having lost it's spark during his/her comedown. Music still sounds good to me and I still enjoy creating it... it just doesn't captivate me as it used to. I used to always have music playing, always searching for new bands/artists... I even learned to beatbox, so that I could take music with me anywhere!

And writing it all down seems to really encourage looking at things from other perspectives.

I never actually noticed this before. I've never written about my symptoms... infact it's only recently I've given them a great deal of thought, but I totally get what you're saying. While I was writing that, remembering different nights and how much drugs I took, and just having all of my drug use written down... and then reading it back, completely gave me a new perspective on my situation.

I do not regret anything I have done, I believe I will make a full recovery and I will be a better person because of this experience. If it wasn't for getting these symptoms, I would have continued to recklessly abuse my body. I never tested anything I got... I could have ended up taking a dodgy pill or something, who knows. I also learned a lot about different states of consciousness that the mind is capable of producing, and gained invaluable introspective insight into my own psyche. I will probably still use mushrooms when I'm healed, although not every weekend like I did for a while, it's time I learned from my mistakes. Plus, it takes away the "magic" from the experience.

 

[coderbrah]

Well taking all those pills definitely hit your serotonin system hard regardless if tbey were clean.

Bowel problems are also serotonin related, I can remember the first weeks I had severe constipation. The condition Irritable Bowel Syndrome is usually due to a faulty serotonin system and is treated with SSRIs so no problem there.

You're doing all the right things it seems, so time is the only factor.

 

[coderbrah]

I'm so happy for you

I remember chatting with you before and getting a sense of severe suffering, despair, and an intense feeling of hopelessness. And based on what I've read, it sounds like you're doing much better, which is great!

I wish you a full recovery - take care.

Definitely! I had a strong feeling of not knowing what to do since I was too scared of taking an SSRI, but your encouraging words made me take them. Same goes for the Klonopin and I couldn't be happier.

It's great to see the 'veterans' like yourself sticking around for those in anguish. Something I will definitely do myself once I fully recover.

 

[Tpchan85]

Bowel problems are also serotonin related, I can remember the first weeks I had severe constipation. The condition Irritable Bowel Syndrome is usually due to a faulty serotonin system and is treated with SSRIs so no problem there.

In my opinion the bowel - serotonin connection is extremely exaggerated. I suffered from Irritable Bowel long before using MDMA and my symptoms have actually improved since my LTC started.

 

[PJ2]

I need help my fellow bluelighters. I have figured out that my heightened senses are due to the fact that the Paxil is acting like a stimulant in my current condition. I went to the store today and I was having flashbacks to when I started my LTC. I couldn't focus on items on the shelf etc.. My DP seems to have gotten worse as well. On the positive side, my senses are strong, I have more energy, and my mood has lifted noticeably.

So, my question is, should I continue with Paxil as if this is just a phase or should I stop taking it altogether? Will this keep getting worse? I was pretty close to a panic attack today as well with my heart skipping a beat and I haven't had those problems in a couple of months. So, in some ways I feel better and in some ways I feel it's been a setback.

 

[coderbrah]

I need help my fellow bluelighters. I have figured out that my heightened senses are due to the fact that the Paxil is acting like a stimulant in my current condition. I went to the store today and I was having flashbacks to when I started my LTC. I couldn't focus on items on the shelf etc.. My DP seems to have gotten worse as well. On the positive side, my senses are strong, I have more energy, and my mood has lifted noticeably.

So, my question is, should I continue with Paxil as if this is just a phase or should I stop taking it altogether? Will this keep getting worse? I was pretty close to a panic attack today as well with my heart skipping a beat and I haven't had those problems in a couple of months. So, in some ways I feel better and in some ways I feel it's been a setback.

Hey man remember what I said about a possible dip? I had the same thing, don't give up on an SSRI purely because of the startup. The actual subtle therapeutical benefits come after 3-5 weeks.

 

[PJ2]

I heard ya man! I just didn't know what you were describing exactly as a "dip." So, you had these same sort of issues? I'm willing to give it a month or so, but I can't handle having panic attacks every day again. I've already been through that fucking phase!!! Such a bizarre situation for all of us. Paxil is supposed to be anti-anxiety and anti-depression and here it is giving me panic attacks. My brain is certainly working differently because I've taken Paxil in the past and had zero issues with it.