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June Getting and/or Staying Sober Thread

O man today is a real test for me

Went to the casino after work n lost all my money

Which is basically a relapse because I was supposed to give up gambling also because it prob ruined my life more then drugs

I don't get paid till next Friday n I have to pay rent today I really fucked myself

I'm proud to say tho I didn't drink or get high over it so I am progressing in my recovery but man I feel like shit

I worked so hard for that money fornrhe first time in my life n I just threw it away when I really needed it

Anyways 5 days till I have two months ;)
 
Yeeesh, had a using dream last night. I took some 2C-B and was drinking beers. Then I woke up in the dream wondering if I relapsed, was told "you didn't take drugs but were drinking". Needless to say, I am feeling very relieved now to realize that it was just a dream.

48 days clean today.
 
totach said:
O man today is a real test for me

Went to the casino after work n lost all my money

Which is basically a relapse because I was supposed to give up gambling also because it prob ruined my life more then drugs

I don't get paid till next Friday n I have to pay rent today I really fucked myself

I'm proud to say tho I didn't drink or get high over it so I am progressing in my recovery but man I feel like shit

I worked so hard for that money fornrhe first time in my life n I just threw it away when I really needed it

Anyways 5 days till I have two months ;)
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I'm sorry to hear that - but well done on not using or drinking.

Owen - how come the pharmacy didn't have any today? Surely they should have your script daily for you?

Evey
 
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I've been clean or trying to get clean from heroin for over a month-- I had one 4 day fuck up right after 4 days of hell and starting to feel normal. Then went over 20 days and ran into too many drug dealers selling shit wayyyy cheap and just did one d 8. IT WAS AMAZING. My tolerance is so much lower and my veins are all healed. That didn't throw me back into withdrawal or make PAWS worse, thank god. But, now I'm having problems again today even though I haven't mess up since doing that last bit of that wash 5 days ago. I just miss it. If I can make it until Friday, I will have a much better support system. But, for now. Fuckfuckfuck. Plus, someone texted me to get them something, not opiates but its the same people that sell them, and I found what they wanted... but how the hell could anyone resolve to go meet a drug dealer that has been hitting me up for over a month while I haven't called them and NOT get anything. I would have to. I might. I have to. I want to. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I am not trying to be completely clean-- I use other stuff and I wanted opiates so so so bad after I used last time. I am not going to never do them again... but damnit... its a slippery slope. And I have been obsessing over this for 8 hours now.
 
Last nights using dream has me feeling really hungover. Not cool, but it will pass. This is some powerful psychosomatic shit.
 
southeast said:
I've been clean or trying to get clean from heroin for over a month-- I had one 4 day fuck up right after 4 days of hell and starting to feel normal. Then went over 20 days and ran into too many drug dealers selling shit wayyyy cheap and just did one d 8. IT WAS AMAZING. My tolerance is so much lower and my veins are all healed. That didn't throw me back into withdrawal or make PAWS worse, thank god. But, now I'm having problems again today even though I haven't mess up since doing that last bit of that wash 5 days ago. I just miss it. If I can make it until Friday, I will have a much better support system. But, for now. Fuckfuckfuck. Plus, someone texted me to get them something, not opiates but its the same people that sell them, and I found what they wanted... but how the hell could anyone resolve to go meet a drug dealer that has been hitting me up for over a month while I haven't called them and NOT get anything. I would have to. I might. I have to. I want to. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I am not trying to be completely clean-- I use other stuff and I wanted opiates so so so bad after I used last time. I am not going to never do them again... but damnit... its a slippery slope. And I have been obsessing over this for 8 hours now.
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Why would you place yourself at risk to cop for someone else? Not trying to offend you, but really what good could come from it?
 
Nothing. I felt bad for her but cringed at the thought of saying both yes and no. I haven't said I found it... so, theoretically, they could just think I couldn't. I think I'm just bored. I tried studying and working on papers but I couldn't keep doing it... You're not offending me, I'm one of those really strange wants to help everyone types... sometimes to my detriment.
Sorry about your dream, I had one last night too actually. But, it is usually apart of my dreams every night. I know that shit feeling. Coffee and a walk helped me.
 
southeast said:
Nothing. I felt bad for her but cringed at the thought of saying both yes and no. I haven't said I found it... so, theoretically, they could just think I couldn't. I think I'm just bored. I tried studying and working on papers but I couldn't keep doing it... You're not offending me, I'm one of those really strange wants to help everyone types... sometimes to my detriment.
Sorry about your dream, I had one last night too actually. But, it is usually apart of my dreams every night. I know that shit feeling. Coffee and a walk helped me.
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Sorry i had to post something about this. I read this site a lot but never post.

I am on day 11 of a raging Morphine/Dope habit i have been carrying for 6 years. One of the worst things you can do is get something for someone else. I did this to my brother and got him back into dope after being clean. One of his friends is now doing it to him again and i am sure he is using again. He is the one with connections.

i am sure you know that so i am not trying to preach. But despite me feeling better finally, I would give my left arm for another taste. If had a connection and someone asked, I wouldn't be reading this forum anymore and be doing bad things.

Good luck, mate. I hope you resist the urge.
 
Chemical360 said:
Sorry i had to post something about this. I read this site a lot but never post.

I am on day 11 of a raging Morphine/Dope habit i have been carrying for 6 years. One of the worst things you can do is get something for someone else. I did this to my brother and got him back into dope after being clean. One of his friends is now doing it to him again and i am sure he is using again. He is the one with connections.

i am sure you know that so i am not trying to preach. But despite me feeling better finally, I would give my left arm for another taste. If had a connection and someone asked, I wouldn't be reading this forum anymore and be doing bad things.

Good luck, mate. I hope you resist the urge.
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Thanks for understanding. That ache is what gets me; I want it so god damn bad and it has nothing to do with rationality. It means alot that you at least get it... I'm an idiot so I called him back and he doesn't have any of what they want left. But he has something for me... Cringe. Fuckfuckfuck... Yea, my best friend got stuff free by being a connect forever for us. It was hard for him; he had to change his phone number. I hope I don't but other than the possible discovery and disappointment of one person, and the inevitable discovery of another who would just be scared for me... It's hard. I hate that instead I just think-- I should lie. Tons. Or not go home. Instead of, don't do it. Keep the money. Avoid the whole bit. Thanks, man.
 
southeast said:
But he has something for me... Cringe. Fuckfuckfuck...
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That is the worst temptation right there. Knowing that if you drive 10 mins up the road you can be feeling really good. I hope you hold out. These things are nasty, evil little things. Its a constant never ending mind fuck. Half of you says no but then we all have that addict half that says "yes yes yes." I hate that half, lol. It's like an evil twin that won't leave me alone.

Stay tough!!!
 
Chemical360 said:
Sorry i had to post something about this. I read this site a lot but never post.

I am on day 11 of a raging Morphine/Dope habit i have been carrying for 6 years. One of the worst things you can do is get something for someone else. I did this to my brother and got him back into dope after being clean. One of his friends is now doing it to him again and i am sure he is using again. He is the one with connections.

i am sure you know that so i am not trying to preach. But despite me feeling better finally, I would give my left arm for another taste. If had a connection and someone asked, I wouldn't be reading this forum anymore and be doing bad things.

Good luck, mate. I hope you resist the urge.
Click to expand...
Chemical360 said:
That is the worst temptation right there. Knowing that if you drive 10 mins up the road you can be feeling really good. I hope you hold out. These things are nasty, evil little things. Its a constant never ending mind fuck. Half of you says no but then we all have that addict half that says "yes yes yes." I hate that half, lol. It's like an evil twin that won't leave me alone.

Stay tough!!!
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Thanks, I hate this shit. I don't even have bad paws other than sleep anymore. I'm trying, I just started crying I feel so damn twisted about it right now. And I do not cry. So glad I'm alone. Thanks, you stay strong too... I wish I knew I could not do this. I want to not do this. I feel like my legs are crumbling.
 
southeast said:
Thanks, I hate this shit. I don't even have bad paws other than sleep anymore. I'm trying, I just started crying I feel so damn twisted about it right now. And I do not cry. So glad I'm alone. Thanks, you stay strong too... I wish I knew I could not do this. I want to not do this. I feel like my legs are crumbling.
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Awh hang in there. Please don't feel bad for crying. Drugs take our emotions and the crying is healthy - because you're getting your emotions back again. You can do this. Stay strong, please. We're here for you any to give you support.

Take care,
Evey
 
Hang in there southeast. Don't feel bad for crying - what Eveleivibe said is true -we're not used to feeling, & crying is healthy.


And as for me... I wouldn't blame y'all if you wanted to bop me on the head after what I'm about to say, but... I don't like being at 25 mg of methadone :/ Today is the 2nd day at 25 (jumped up from 20 cos I was sick and anxious all the time) so it's really kicked in all the way, and for three or four hours after it hit I felt really sedated and drugged and god help me if it wasn't... unpleasant. I felt numbed out, and I don't like it. But I really think that's progress. The old me would've been happy to be sedated, happy to be sleepy and noddy. I don't want it though, at all. I just want to be normal. So tomorrow I'm going to start my taper again, but 1 mg every four or five days. I can do this and I WILL do this.

It's so strange though. If you can imagine a time (I'm sure everyone can) where you were really, really craving opiates, badly.. where you were sitting and dreaming about that feeling and wishing so much it was real - that's how I've been feeling lately about being able to be sober and happy. I want it so much - to wake up and not be sick, to not be sick and then go dose and start nodding... ugh. I just want to be normal, and be able to feel.
 
Man I had to get to two meetings, it was just one of those days. Feeling better now, but I had to get real honest in the meeting and with my sponsor.

Its okay to not be okay. I have to be willing to admit that. I actually got to the second meeting a half hour early because its right by a river. I knew I needed to just sit there and meditate/pray for a good 20 minutes to get out of myself. It helped big time. I should mention that while feeling like this I have gotten a lot done. I need to stay humble, I need to allow myself to admit that shit isn't always good for me.

The last two days have been difficult. Something got set off in me (really trivial matter) and I just fucking obsessed about it over and over again. I caught myself watching people pushing dope.... I wasn't planning on getting one or anything like that, thats a non fucking option. But it was still torturing myself. Like I said I felt extremely hungover almost all day. Now I feel like I have gotten over a real test.

My addiction telling me "it wasn't that bad" and also a new one "are you really done with this? How do you know? Can you really be sure" .

Anyways, really glad I have tomorrow and the next day off of work. I need to recalibrate myself. I was getting overwhelmed. I'd say I am off the "pink cloud", just not using isn't enough anymore. I need to keep pushing forward. So grateful I realize and know that. Now is when the real growth starts. I am starting to feel very hopeful again.
 
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@Eveleivibe Thanks so much. That feels relieving to hear... I know it messes with your emotions but :( fuck... I think I will try to be more productive tomorrow. I just have one more day till my best friend/ bf is back :) hope :)
@BlueSaffron Thank you! Everyone, but especially you, has been such an incredible support today. And, I think I am just going to say sorry I can't when someone asks me again... it was clearly too much for me and I do not need that. I don't want to bop you on the head! Sounds exactly like how I felt on methadone... it was not fun out of it but shitty zombie like completely gone out of it. Go slow, you can do it! I know you can. Sorry today you felt unwell, I know methadone builds in your system, so if this is a high dose or feels like it is you may be able to go at least 2mg down kinda quickly... or like 3 instead of 5 days for just 2 mg. May be worth trying if you feel that awful? Good luck! <3
@Captain.Heroin Hope it works! I have read many of your posts and am very impressed by your recovery. Thank you for being around and keeping posting.
@phactor I really feel for you in this post... Sometimes I watch movies or Drugs Inc. just to watch it... to feel a little closer to it. Sounds crazy but... I get it. I hope tomorrow is better. You stayed strong and thats something. Hope is an amazing thing-- celebrate it.

For me... I fucked up. Not bad... and y'all will probably think I am awful but I am glad I did. After I did it, I thought... this sucks. It doesn't last long enough. After just doing that tiny bit last week my tolerance is clearly already back up... I feel like shit for fucking up.. I really do not want to lie anymore. Even the dealer was telling me how great I looked and sent me a text afterwards saying that if I ever wanted to really get away from it to let him know, that I was an incredible person and he loves my buisness but would rather not see me if it made me better. Who knows if he was genuine but it made a few things sink in for me. So... I hate that it happened but I am kinda glad it did. That ache and want which was intense at this time already last time isn't around... I messed up and Im sorry but I am in several ways glad I did. I feel way more confident that I do not need it.
 
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