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☮ Social ☮ PD Social Thread: Trans-dimensional Hyperspace Cocktail Bar - Fractals Apply Within

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Trixx? Is that some European or Shambolean slang for things? If you're asking me how things are, well, they're doing alright... my life is really intense right now. I wrote about it in depth a good 30 or 40 pages back in this thread (the first posts I made in years), but I am getting divorced, and that's really hard since we've been together for 12 years (since we were 18 )... so that's the main thing going on. But I know it's for the best, even though it hurts a lot. I am living alone now for the first time ever, and I have been getting lonely a lot but I also really enjoy the personal freedom. I have also started using psychedelics again, which is fun (I didn't much for years because my wife forbade me to... the reason I left BL was the same, my secret drug use caught up to me and she associated Bluelight with that, which was largely true).

I am still struggling with opiate addiction, that was the other reason my marriage ended, I kept relapsing and lying to her about it. I really want to be done but it is extremely difficult for me. Currently using poppy seed tea every other day. Trying to figure out how to get through this... the relationship ending along with my father being terminally ill and some serious financial issues have given me a whole lot of stress and I am not sure how I can get the strength to deal with that plus acute withdrawal. I am thinking about going to the doctor and getting some bupe... but I don't want to get stuck on that. Thinking about getting some and taking the absolute minimum needed for 7 days or so and then stopping. I think I could handle withdrawal with the aid of MXE, except I can't work effectively on MXE and I have to keep performing at my job, I can't lose it. If I could just take 2 weeks off I think I could just stay in bed and get through it but I have a salary job and can't just take time off and if I lose my job I lose my house and everything too, as I don't have any savings. Plus the job is awesome and I don't want to lose it.

Other than that, things are going pretty good... I feel more like myself than I have in years. Now that I can see clearly, I realize I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I had been suppressing parts of myself for the whole course of my relationship in order to be able to live with my wife, who has some substantial emotional issues and as a result doesn't really accept things except if they're her way... so I lied about certain things to her all along and over time I began to believe those lies and I found myself totally detached from my own opinions and emotions, and it was causing me to not like who I was, and to not even be able to admit the way I really felt about things. This caused a tremendous amount of anger and frustration that I couldn't even admit enough to realize what was causing it, so I was basically slowly imploding. In July I got so overwhelmed during a fight that I punched the refrigerator and broke my hand. I was starting to fantasize about death and killing myself, I never went so far as to try or make a plan but I wished I could just die. Now that I am on my own all of that is gone and I find it once again easy to be connected to my emotions and opinions. That's why I feel like myself again and despite all the painful stuff going on, I feel better than I have in years. :)

Now just time to fix my issues, one at a time. I really need to get past this addiction because it's holding me back SO much.

It feels really good to be back here, I love this place and it's been a big part of my life, and it's also a really great outlet for me.
 
Its amusing to watch my dogs lazy attempts to dissuade birds from eating his breakfast. He just taps his paw down REALLY hard. That's about it.
 
Dogs are great. And cats. :) I hang out with Delsyd a lot, and he's got two awesome dogs. I love being able to spend time with them, and watch their antics.
 
Xorkoth said:
Trixx? Is that some European or Shambolean slang for things? If you're asking me how things are, well, they're doing alright... my life is really intense right now. I wrote about it in depth a good 30 or 40 pages back in this thread (the first posts I made in years), but I am getting divorced, and that's really hard since we've been together for 12 years (since we were 18 )... so that's the main thing going on. But I know it's for the best, even though it hurts a lot. I am living alone now for the first time ever, and I have been getting lonely a lot but I also really enjoy the personal freedom. I have also started using psychedelics again, which is fun (I didn't much for years because my wife forbade me to... the reason I left BL was the same, my secret drug use caught up to me and she associated Bluelight with that, which was largely true).

I am still struggling with opiate addiction, that was the other reason my marriage ended, I kept relapsing and lying to her about it. I really want to be done but it is extremely difficult for me. Currently using poppy seed tea every other day. Trying to figure out how to get through this... the relationship ending along with my father being terminally ill and some serious financial issues have given me a whole lot of stress and I am not sure how I can get the strength to deal with that plus acute withdrawal. I am thinking about going to the doctor and getting some bupe... but I don't want to get stuck on that. Thinking about getting some and taking the absolute minimum needed for 7 days or so and then stopping. I think I could handle withdrawal with the aid of MXE, except I can't work effectively on MXE and I have to keep performing at my job, I can't lose it. If I could just take 2 weeks off I think I could just stay in bed and get through it but I have a salary job and can't just take time off and if I lose my job I lose my house and everything too, as I don't have any savings. Plus the job is awesome and I don't want to lose it.

Other than that, things are going pretty good... I feel more like myself than I have in years. Now that I can see clearly, I realize I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I had been suppressing parts of myself for the whole course of my relationship in order to be able to live with my wife, who has some substantial emotional issues and as a result doesn't really accept things except if they're her way... so I lied about certain things to her all along and over time I began to believe those lies and I found myself totally detached from my own opinions and emotions, and it was causing me to not like who I was, and to not even be able to admit the way I really felt about things. This caused a tremendous amount of anger and frustration that I couldn't even admit enough to realize what was causing it, so I was basically slowly imploding. In July I got so overwhelmed during a fight that I punched the refrigerator and broke my hand. I was starting to fantasize about death and killing myself, I never went so far as to try or make a plan but I wished I could just die. Now that I am on my own all of that is gone and I find it once again easy to be connected to my emotions and opinions. That's why I feel like myself again and despite all the painful stuff going on, I feel better than I have in years. :)

Now just time to fix my issues, one at a time. I really need to get past this addiction because it's holding me back SO much.

It feels really good to be back here, I love this place and it's been a big part of my life, and it's also a really great outlet for me.
Click to expand...

Yeah, that would be 'trixx' ;)

Sorry to hear 'bout your various woes. I'll not pretend to relate to most but I will relate to your addiction issues. Of those I know well :|

FWIW, I've overcome several along the way. The overall, fundamental one still escapes me, but addiction can be beat. Isn't even that hard if it's of the singular form. If more the fundamental issue that's the issue... hope to see you on the other side too <3

Pee Ess: Toxit - Some Mushrooms Approach <3
 
Yeah I've always had an addictive personality, I fear... it used to be video games, and Magic: The Gathering. I got completely obsessed with an online multiplayer text-based role-playing game called Dragonrealms (from which the name Xorkoth is from - he was my character), it became my other life, and I played up to 8 hours a day, every day, for like 6 years when I was in middle school and high school... I have just always focused somewhat obsessively on whatever my current interests have been. That switched to drugs when I hit 17/18 and, well, here we are.
 
I switch back and forth from moment to moment how much credence I give to this "Addictive Personality" bizniz... I can't help but notice it it a bit of a 'Thing' tho. It pains me cos every part of my being screams that it's a weakness not a.... 'Thing'.... but still I can't help but notice :\

Meh. I fight 'em off one at a time. Whatever lies beneath is beyond me and beyond any kinda treatment I know of.

Aquastep - Oempa Loempa

<3
 
To be honest, when it comes to opiates, I think everyone has an addictive personality.

I tend to agree with Shambles re: uncertainty of the existence of this addictive personality concept. I know that I am excessively impulsive and find myself feel compelled to repeat certain behaviours but I don't think there is some kind of genetic basis for me needing to abuse drugs constantly. If that is true, then there is no point in trying to quit ever because it will automatically fail. Given that I have basically quit opiates, I doubt that there are people that actually CAN'T. Its just very fucking difficult but can be done. The most pleasant method is a slow taper- this can negate some of the panic and anxiety and is still effective. The only problem with tapering is that, once you note your tolerance lessening, there is an understanding that you can actually get fucking high as a fuck again. You need discipline and will power and desire for it to work.

Tapering worked for me once I was on suboxone. I allowed myself a year to taper down and then jumped off completely about 1 year ago. I had some withdrawal for several weeks but nothing compared to previous opiate detox and nothing compared to benzo withdrawal madness. I am 95% certain that I won't get addicted again.

Xorky, you have my utmost respect and admiration. I know you can quit- you are so intelligent and kind- use these skills on your own life. I know you can :) <3
 
I don't know if it's genetic either (though over half the males in my family have addiction problems including 3 more serious than me), but there's definitely something about my personality where I fixate on something, one thing or type of thing at a time. Whereas my mom doesn't, nor my sister. Nor one of my cousins.

I do agree it CAN be done though, I know I have the power. :) I just haven't found it yet... :( The scariest thing is that I DID quit completely once, around 4 years ago. I quit for a whole year. I did it cold turkey with the help and support of my wife (she was really, really there for me). It took and a half weeks to get through acute withdrawal, and months to feel normal again. But I did, and I grew a lot in that year, and things were good and I felt great. But a year in, it was my birthday, and I said to myself, "I can get kratom for this special occasion and just do it this one time, maybe other isolated special occasion times like that in the future, and I can definitely avoid it becoming a problem again." But a couple of days later, I did it again. And again. And in a shockingly short amount of time it became daily again. And now 3 years later here I am.

Thank you willow. <3 Your words warm my heart. :)
 
I daren't even think about my own genetic inheritance... trust me, you wouldn't either if you had mine :|

As to the wider issue of genetic addiction? It's one of those things that irks me immensely simply due to overplaying. But I can't help but notice there does seem to be an underlying issue for some :\

Different kinda sound for ye's, PD folk. Suspect some of y'all will approve...

Phantasia - Genena

<3
 
I fukkin <3 Yo La Tengo <3

Lost track of the actual albums a loooooooooong time ago - they have so very many it's untrue 8o

That's a fukkin blinder of a tune. Have the album but only gets played on shuffle button these days unfortunately :\

A fave of mine...



<3
 
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