pro re nata
Bluelighter
I've been relapsing all along on 8mg either with codeine or with alcohol. I can't do thus anymore. A friend once said i should be on more of it n I think she was right. I feel empty n still crave it n evenings are worst. It was so much easier on codeine because I wouldn't have to feel angry. I think the citralopram has really messed me up cause looking back that's when the self-destructive behaviour started. Before I only ever had thoughts but never really act on them.
And I come to this site n get judged for being on suboxone. It makes me feel like a stupid idiot. It's MY choice on how I want to recover. People should respect that instead of judging me n making me feel small. Maybe they'd prefer I was still in full blown addiction. I find it insulting n offensive when people belittle codeine addiction n sneer etc. codeine is often mixed with ibuprofen / paracetamol n excessive amounts of these can cause liver failure / kidney failure / stomach bleeding. Even with CWE it's not guaranteed to have all the para/ibo out - but an assumption. And at the point that I entered outpatient treatment my parents had cut off all my contacts to pure codeine (60mg tabs, cough syrup containing 600mg, etc) so i only had access to OTC n was taking up to 2 boxes (23 tabs of 12.8mg codeine / 200mg ibuprofen) a day. I wish these ppl would Do the maths then tell me if its so WRONG to put me on suboxone!
To be honest my heads mashed. Everyone keeps telling me what I should / should not be doing
When I cried at the meeting the other day they suggested that I ask to have my suboxone increased so I went n asked that but I'm frightened because now I bet they think I'm drug seeking n I'm not. The group at the meeting said I stop trying to please others n be honest with them. Arrgggg
Pretending all is ok is ever so much easier
PS: could I suggest that as a possible rule? To respect each other's method of recovery. Not trying to be rude or funny in any way but judging someone for being on suboxone could have dire consequences. For example, what if I stopped my suboxone medication as a result of that comment, relapsed n died through OD. It could happen n people are sensitive to others' opinions ESPECIALLY me.
Is it too much to ask that we all respect each pther's method of recovery n help the person through it without judgement n if anyone cannot do this, then simply step back from the situation. I've never been judged for being on suboxone for codeine addiction until I came here. Most were respectful of it or kept their comments to them self xxx
there is so much here.... . dang, you do not feel that people here have been giving you some love? so many times it comes in the form of concern in trying to relate ones experience's or knowledge towards the words and emotions you have shared. else wise it would be like too many interactions we come across everyday in just hearing some bullshit, people not giving a fuck or just telling you what they think you want to hear. i think one of the main points of taking the time to be apart of such a forum is honesty, un-biasis conversation, advice - support in areas we are feeling stuck in our "typical" days. to boot if you need to talk some shit with some people that is here too. no one in this matter is talking shit about you and for sure do not have ANY intention of wanting to see you relapse pushing into an overdose! yikes.. i am sorry you are feeling this way but remember this is a harm reduction site.. . and more over some times we only hear or see what we want to or during vulnerable times can tend to grasp towards extremes. seems like you are feeling this which is totally understandable...
it is catching our selves through these moments that can really help us advance no matter what it is in regards to. people here are trying to be apart of and help you with this process in which matters you are expressing. can be hard things to hear or easily be taken the wrong way when you might have another thought or feeling towards a direction or stance. this could also help you define your direction, it is how you choose to react. if you have a reaction that is negative try and pin point why and then use that as energy in creating steps you feel is best for you. take notes of these moments.. what, where and why in your reactions, thoughts and feelings. these could be great aids or tools in continuously working on a or your recovery plan/journal.
in doing the "math" if you are looking for a pill to just make things go "click" i think you need to re-visit the idea of recovery and how it relates to you and your world. as it has been stated and we all all deal with in our own ways the process and taking the steps we need to in facilitating this ongoing learning process of understanding and controlling our addictions. you are identifying things that are happening and ways you are feeling, shit is hard to face and deal with for sure.. . hens wanting to say fuck it and relapse. why go to the park and fly a kite when you can just pop a pill, totally get.. been with it.. dealing with it. instead of thinking you really need to up your dose of suboxone maybe try playing with your dosing amount and time.. and give it some time in seeing if it is effective. 600- 800mg of codeine/day is roughly the same as 60-80mg of morphine/day, 1mg of buprenorphine being roughly = to 30mg of morphine... .. you can easily see how 8mg is more than enough to go the distance if not anything increasing your tolerance. this is why people have been sharing there thoughts on your intake as you openly share it which is good.. no judgment. i am not going to get into all of my history with opiates/opioids but have dealt with a very wide spectrum rx'd to non, done to bupe. with buprenorphine less is really more. for chronic pain and the use of buprenorphine smaller doses are found to be much more effective in not coming any where near the celling effect in the building of doses.
being open and honest with your doctor or doctors is so big as you are there for help, fuck thinking drug seeking unless that is a real aspect that you are confronting. it is easy for things to slip away with doctors some times because it can be easily justified in our minds. i have had issues with this and finding my self sliding back to parts of my addiction i needed to be no where near.. . shit happens, can be a hard things to see, bight off and with out a doubt address... hope you keep confronting things, working on moving in a directions that is best for you as that is the most important.
this is getting way toooOO long, sorry.
hope everyone had a great Halloween!
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... but did. 
