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The Suicide support thread

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Thanks captain, you already saved my skin a couple of times before with your input to this forum (though you may not have known it) but somehow having you out there still caring and offering a dialog seems to calm me down and pause for reflection, so please know that you are a good person and I owe you a huge thanks.

But one quick question, if you are suffering at the point of death, even if you are 90 and are dying of natural causes, are you saying that death does not lead to the end of that suffering or are you just saying that suicide gets you punishment from some judgmental god but if you die naturally he will magically take your suffering away ?
 
webbykevin said:
Thanks captain, you already saved my skin a couple of times before with your input to this forum (though you may not have known it) but somehow having you out there still caring and offering a dialog seems to calm me down and pause for reflection, so please know that you are a good person and I owe you a huge thanks.

But one quick question, if you are suffering at the point of death, even if you are 90 and are dying of natural causes, are you saying that death does not lead to the end of that suffering or are you just saying that suicide gets you punishment from some judgmental god but if you die naturally he will magically take your suffering away ?
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You're welcome! :)

I'll do my best to sum up my spiritual beliefs on this matter, and answer your questions.

I should go ahead and preface this post with 2 facts, which should help clarify what I'm saying. First, I am a pantheist. I don't believe in a Judeo-Christian god. Second, I'm going to allude to realizations which I have acquired through tripping on psychedelics. I will probably have to go in greater depth in a trip report to fully explain how I came upon these realizations.

I think that we are all here to gain experiences. These experiences are going to be both positive and negative. Having experienced negative things will contrast the positive parts of life. Aside from this, life is a constant learning experience. Even when we go through negative experiences, we can still learn from them, and grow as an individual.

I believe that as a spiritual entity, we are on a process of traveling through many bodies, in many times and places. I believe that in order to move on from your current life, you have to finish it out in a natural way. Willingly ending it early would be like skipping to the end of a book to find out what happens to the main characters, or reading a synopsis on a movie instead of watching it the whole way through. I can safely assert that the worst things that have happened to me in this lifetime have been humbling experiences, even if I am traumatized from these experiences. Everything I have gone through has helped shape who I am today.

I honestly believe that committing suicide does more than destroy the body. In my mind, it would be destroying a link in your spiritual journey, which would break the chain. What I mean by this, is that I'm sure I would be stuck in this lifetime forever. The spirit would relive through the same series of events, over and over and over again. If I ever hope to move on from my current life, I have to live it out in a natural sense. If I don't, I'm separating my spirit/body from the rest of humanity, which will continue to progress through new lives.

Humans perceive time in a unique sense. One person may find days drag out like an eternity, another person may find months or years passing them by in a surreal manner. Aside from the linear perception of time, I have also experienced a time loop (while on mushrooms). In this one trip, I had two friends come into my room and greet me and my friend. After about 30 seconds, they left the room. After the door closed, it opened again and they reappeared. The exact same things were said by all parties, despite me trying to say something different - I could feel my body almost paralyzed and unable to do anything different. This was terrifying to me at the time. In fact, this time loop continued on at least a half dozen times before it stopped occurring.

I believe that the spirit retains a "perfect record" of your life. Your brain does not, as it is programmed to forget things on a regular basis.

In order to parallel my spiritual beliefs to something that can be perceived accurately by everyone here, imagine your life (or the "perfect record" of your life, rather) as a DVD. Imagine your spirit is the DVD player (except there's no pause, stop, fast forward, or rewind buttons, you are basically at the mercy of the DVD player). Imagine your body as the person watching the DVD.

If I don't like the DVD I'm watching, I can attempt to dismantle/break the DVD player. In doing so, the DVD is stuck in the DVD player, and instead of playing the whole way through, it only goes up until the point where I attempt to break the DVD player, and then the DVD starts back over from the beginning.

Karma is unavoidable. If I have hurt people, (example: a ponzi scheme resulting in, oh, say 17 billion USD) I have to suffer the consequences (forfeiting 17 billion dollars, and 150 years in jail). I'm referring to Bernie Madoff, by the way. He and his wife both attempted suicide on Christmas Eve when they realized that it was only a matter of time before he was going to jail. If he had died, sure, he wouldn't have spent the rest of his life behind bars, and avoided all of that misery. However, karma is still going to play out. His negative karma would then become being alienated from the continued spiritual journey.

Using me as an example: I have experienced many positive things in life. I also have experienced a lot of negative things. If I am to commit suicide, I'm avoiding negative karma in the immediate sense, but by doing so, the negative karma would then become being stuck in my own subjective reality for eternity.

To sum this up in as few words as possible, I firmly believe that suicide your spirit inside your body. Whatever it is that you are trying to avoid by committing suicide, it is not as bad as being imprisoned inside your body for an eternity.

OK, now to answer your questions.

I don't think age matters when it comes to this. I think the ability for the brain/body to serve as a functional conduit for the spirit dictates the importance of continuing to live. If I was old, and was close to death, as long as I was mentally functional, I would continue to live until a natural death occurred. If I am suffering irreversible consequences of, say Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease, the spirit is not in control of the body anymore. In such a grim scenario, I can't imagine willingly continuing to live.

I don't believe anyone could take away your suffering, similar to how I don't believe anyone could take away the best moments of your life.

I think I did my best trying to explain my beliefs here, feel free to ask me questions.
 
Oh Man, That's just brilliant, thanks for explaining it so well and man it totally made sense, and has given me a few completely new metaphysical concepts to chew on and at my age (45) I thought I had heard them all.

The only thing I would add/change is your ideas of Karma, mine differ slightly as I believe there is no such thing as cause and effect as such, translated from Sanskrit KARMA just means "doing", it has nothing to do with past events and a universe that keeps score, I don't believe in the judeo-christian myth either, any more than the scientific myth of the stupid universe where humans are just a chance accident, a fluke, I really like the hindu view of the universe where we are all aspects of the one self that is playing hide and seek with itself in order to distract itself from the boredom and loneliness that would exist in the state of consciousness that was aware that it was all that there is (God if you want to use that word but I don't like it).

So the Hindu says we are are all aspects of this one self, all participating in Maya (The great Illusion) and Lila (The play) and we are all characters in this play like actors on a stage, we are all wearing (as GK Chesterton put it) the million masks of god.

But returning to Karma for a sec, when the play is over, the audience applaudes the hero and the villian, you dont boo the villain you congratulate him for playing his role so convincingly that he had you on the edge of your seat, but there is no karma involved in the cause and effect way most people associate with that word, if Karma is literally meant as "Doing" then it is simply that and what you are currently "Doing" in the NOW MOMENT is your Karma, but you have the choice to stop at any point and do something else and now THAT is what you are "Doing", your Karma changes with every choice you make, but the wake does not drive the ship, and the tail does not wag the dog.

So if I am feeling hurt, miserable, angry, Then I am choosing to do that, and I must take full responsibility for it but not run and hide behind the work Karma and say "well there is nothing I can do about it - its my karma" as that is a total misunderstanding of the word and its meaning and used in this way Karma provides an easy out for people so they can blame some past event and not take personal responsibility for what they are "DOING", NOW !

So a Hindu would look at someone who was suicidal and say "Bravo - what an act", you are playing your role so convincingly that you even have yourself fooled into believing it, and feeling suicidal is just what you are doing right now, so he would say to you "that is your karma", meaning "That is what you are doing".

And after the play we all meet up in the green room behind the stage and have a great big party.

Does that make sense ?
 
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Libby said:
Im sorry you feeln like this mrflowers, I feel the same *hug*

So injecting a syringe of air into a vein doesnt do anything! I googled and apparently ud need 20mL of air and into an artery not vein, I need bigger syringe all mine are 1ml lol, the biggest they sell at the adio is 10ml, would have to hit twice, maybe 3 times just to be sure. Everything always has to be difficult
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Libby it takes more guts to go on living then to off yourself. Any cunt can off themselves really it's not hard but it takes a stronger person to keep on going despite all the complete and utter bullshit life throws at you. Fuck knows Ive come close to killing myself more then a few times. There where all those passive attempts that involved enough drugs to kill a horse not to mention the few nights i sat with a loaded shotgun with 0.0 buckshot just to make sure i got the job done right on the first try. What always stopped me was thinking about what it would do to the few family members that actually care about me as well as what it would do to a few people i actually call friends. I have had friends off themselves and it fucking gutted me. I still have my moments due to having bipolar and a chronic pain condition known as the suicide disease ffs but nothing like years ago.

Libby i don't even think Ive talked to you on here but i can tell from your posts that your a awesome person plus your fucking gorgeous it has to be said. I don't know the problems you have so I'm trying not to be too preachy here. All the same I'm sure most of them atleast could be solved without chucking in the towel.

Try and hang in there and feel free to PM me if you wanna bitch at someone.
 
DeathDomokun said:
Ugh my life is so useless, I don't want it.
My actions are futile, there's only one action that would break the cycle.
All my words are meaningless, yet I sit here hitting buttons.
How can this mean anything at all?
My range of emotion is a perpetual cycle of misery, chaotically repeating itself with minor variations.
My existence brings me pain, my life is lacking, and everything is boring. I experience so much tedium.
Everything is dissonant, and uncertain, and bewildering, and just fuck.
I don't value my life, so I can't value my time. I don't value my time, so I can't value my surroundings. I don't value my surroundings, so I can't value my actions. I don't value my actions, so I can't value my future. I don't value my future, because I don't value my present.
I'm just so sick of this. I endure all this shit to no end for no reason. I just exist for existence sake when I don't want to exist.
Why am I still here? Why do I go on?
Why am I testing how much shit I can endure?
Why am I waiting?
I'm listening to 'The Patient' by Tool, even though it's not affecting me in any meaningful way. It's not instilling any emotion, and music is still sounding much more like noise (not the good kind) than music at this point.
Here I am, frittering my time away because I don't want it.
I just don't know... Are things going to get better? Is hope/faith/an idea, is something that doesn't exist worth experiencing all this pain that does exist?
I just don't know..
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very well said..i feel the same way..
 
I posted here a couple of weeks ago because I was really suicidal and I thought I would be ending my life very soon. This was like 2-3 weeks after I started using citalopram/Celexa for depression and just a few days after my dose was increased. Things stayed really bad for maybe a week after that and then my condition rapidly improved.

I have not felt depressed the last five days and have felt slightly to very happy most of the day for the last two days.
I just wanted everyone to know I am fine now and I have no desire to harm or kill myself now.

Those of you who are suicidal, please hang in there. It can get better and for a large majority of depressed and suicidal people it will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it, but that feeling that life will never be good again is just a terrible symptom of a disease that is typically highly treatable. It may take a while to find a medication that works but most people do in time. Frequently it goes away on its own eventually.

If you are really desperate and don't think you can hold on that long, electroconvulsive therapy is a highly effective option that produces rapid improvement in most people. Although it is not a common practice, tramadol is sometimes used in treatment resistant depression. This could work for many who's depression is caused by low endorphin levels which seems to be a major cause of treatment resistant depression from the limited reading I have done on the subject. Buprenorphine has been shown to be highly effective in those who don't respond to other treatments as well and works immediately and if I am not mistaken it does not tend to cause tolerance nearly as bad as most opioids, though I don't think any doctors would prescribe it for that purpose.

These antidepressants seem to be the most effective ones for treatment resistant depression from what I have read: Imipramine, mirtazapine, venlafaxine, and tranylcypromine. Combined with lithium or taken alone at high doses, the MAOI tranylcypromine has been shown to be significantly more effective for treatment resistant depression than the other 3. Imipramine sounds like the 2nd in effectiveness. Mirtazapine starts to work more quickly than other antidepressants with improvements in the first week and full benefit in 2 weeks and it worked better than any of the SSRIs, SNRIs, and bupropion. It was similar in effectiveness to some tricyclic ADs but significantly inferior to imipramine. Most of this paragraph is based on Wikipedia articles.
 
I found this trailer for the new Jason Becker movie very, very moving. Please, anyone thinking of suicide, WATCH this and listen to his music... This guy is paralyzed and continues to make incredibly inspiring music.... Anytime I start to really contemplate suicide... I just think of what this man is doing.

The trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGFDWTC8B8g

A really great composition, which i believe he composed by just moving his eyes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7MEDrzcPbM
 
Well, alcohol withdrawals are beginning to set in. I have no more booze and no more money. I don't remember the past couple of days too well. I've been drinking all this time, and I think I probably spent around 40 of the past 48 hours laying in bed. I'm so exhausted all the time. I feel horrible all the time. It's getting to the point where I simply cannot handle it anymore. If I had alcohol or drugs, I'd just end up going to sleep all day anyway. But I wouldn't feel quite as awful as I do now.

I hate that I never really contribute anything positive to this board, and mostly just whine. I don't know where else to go to let these things out. I'm pretty sure I am going to die soon. I'm back to how I was months ago when my liver was giving out. Last night was the worst I've felt in a while. It just keeps getting worse. It's difficult to even get out of bed and walk around. I'm finding myself feeling closer to accepting death and committing suicide, although I'm not too sure how I want to go about it. I just don't want to live anymore. I can't afford any drugs or alcohol right now to calm down these feelings. I have nobody to talk to about it. I feel like absolute death. I don't want to live.
 
i'm going to the local junior college tomorrow to see what i need to do to become a chef fingers crossed i can overcome my psychosis enough to succeed greatly not just a lil but go big or go home shit
 
ughh they are closed for consoling sp? so i'm gonna have to wait another semester damnit all i hate how i procrastinate till the last minuet
 
This is probably gonna be a long post...I apologize in advance to those who actually read it all.

I need help. I need change. Life is a perpetuating cycle of depression. Not even sadness, just depression. Sulking, constantly feeling sorry for myself. I sit, and think of what I want in life. I'm happy to think of all the nice things I could enjoy, all the possibilities. When I sit back and face reality though, nothing is the way I'd like it to be. It's as though my imagination far exceeds the possibilities of my own reality. I'm fucking lonely. I have no real friends any more. The ones I still have, are slowly drifting away. Whether through drug use, poor life choices, or simply not taking an interest in being a friend anymore.

I'm boring. I'm plain. I have no style, I have nothing going for me. I can't get a girl, I can't get anything I'd like. I'm humble, simple minded, I don't ask for much, just not to be so fucking lonely all the time. My life consists of wanting a girl, followed by getting excited thinking things might work out for once, only to be disappointed when they don't and convincing myself that I ruined it one way or another. I must have, right? My actions, my body language, my words. I think "I should have done this! I should have told her what I was thinking! I shouldn't have said that!" all these different things that convince me that I fucked up, it was clearly my fault 100%.

Past few months, all I seem to think about is how to off myself. And, to be honest...I don't think I'd ever have the balls to go through with it. I hope one day I do, but throughout my life I just can't bring myself to try. I could stab myself, I could jump in front of a train, drown, etc. But it's painful. I just want to go out, quick and easy. I wish I had access to a gun to be honest. And I'm embarrassed to admit I've even asked a friend of mine if he could get me a gun. I don't think he knew I was being serious, but I was.

I hate my life so much. I have work tonight, and I don't want to go. But I think, what would I be doing if I didn't work? Nothing. I'd simply be sitting here at home, with nothing to do...sulking. At least when I work, I'm making a little money. I dread coming home, I'm so fucking lonely. I come home, and sit in my room doing nothing. I wait around to hear from this girl I like, I hope she texts me first, or she hits me up to hang out. And she does, very rarely though. I'm beginning to think she just hangs out with me now cause she knows I like her, but just feels bad. In her gut, she wants to do something, has nothing better to do so figures why not see me? That's it, right? All she does when she comes over anyway is fall asleep. She'll come over after a party at 3, sometimes 4am, then sits with me for a while, maybe lays on my lap, gives me some cuddles, then falls asleep, wakes up and leaves in the afternoon. What's the point? I want to do stuff with you, go places! I want to go on an adventure, something, anything!

I like to think of what killing myself would do to the people who's lives I'm a part of. It's sad, but I really don't think anyone would care much. Not even a tear. And I say that seriously, I just don't think anybody would be surprised. They'd probably all think it was coming anyway, they were expecting it they'd say. Fuck, I don't know man...I buy things for people, I go out of my way to make others happy but it does nothing for me, it just...makes me miserable. It gets me used, lets other people take advantage of me...

Somebody save me, please. I just want to be happy for the rest of my life. Not stuck thinking of all the things I don't have, and all the things I want. I just want to be happy, and to be loved. Neither of which I feel. So fucking lonely...why do I do this to myself.
 
I can't save you, but I usually feel less lonely when I am actually alone. Like, when I don't leave the house for months at a time I don't get lonely all that often. If I go out, when I see what other people have, when all I want seems to surround me. Assailed by the love I don't have.
I don't know, maybe I'm just getting used to being alone.
I wish I liked someone. I wish I had the desire to build a relationship with someone, instead of just wanting to cease my loneliness.
I hope you find a girl worth your time Mr. Wallace.
 
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