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is it ok to lie sometimes to your SO?

citizen cained

citizen cained

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ok long story short, I went to meet my ex the other day just for a chat, there are no feelings at all between us and i have 0 interest in kissing/fucking her etc, we are both in relationships too. I told my current GF that i was just going into town to meet friends rather than saying I am going to meet my ex because she would be a bit funny about it and i wanted to avoid the hassle.

So is it ok to tell little white lies like this?

Its not like i do this all the time btw.
 
I personally don't think what you did was wrong. Just trying to avoid unnecessary trouble. Although I wouldn't make a habit of it.

IME I have tried the complete honesty thing in my relationships. And for the most part I'd say that was the way to go. But every once in awhile telling the whole complete truth all the time just stirs up a bunch of pointless shit. For example I have had a similar situation to yours. Except in my situation the girl I was meeting wasn't even my ex. We were just friends from High school that I hadn't seen in awhile.

Naturally I didn't think it was a big deal so I told my GF at the time. My GF decided to come with so we went and met her together. So we met up with my high school friend and had a great day hanging out in the city. As far as I knew everything was ok. After that we said goodbye yaddy yadda and me and my GF went back to my place.

She then proceeds to have a miniature freak out about "us" that is me and my high school friend even though there was and is no "us" and never will be. So after having a small but tiresome argument about how we were just friends and will never be anything more I decided that maybe ALWAYS being honest is just not necessary. Especially when it is just shit that doesn't even matter like seeing an old friend or old fling that you have no romantic feelings for whatsoever.
 
Lying about something like this is the worst, because it makes you look guilty. If you had no feelings and just wanted to hang out with whoever, just tell the SO. A person who is cheating has the instinctual habit of lying about stuff like this, but someone who has nothing nefarious going on can go both ways. Just say "I'm going to have lunch with x. Nothing is going on, so don't worry." A person trying to hide the cheating wouldn't own up to it like that and you just avoid the drama of the accusations. Maybe I'm just too forward, but I'd say "I'm going to have lunch with x" and then I think I'd be really annoyed if I got shit for it. I've broken it off for shit like that. I think if the tables were turned, I probably wouldn't like it too much, but I would go with my gut if I thought something else was going on. You can pick up on an innocent lunch date vs. something else is going on. So, if it really is innocent and you tell her you're going to have lunch with an ex, she should be able to sense if something is up.
 
@citizen cained: Have you ever thought about how you might feel if you found out your current GF was having lunch with her ex? I'm not quite sure you're clear on the exact meaning of EX. You see, ex means past, it means done, it means the tree that bears no more fruit for you. Are you really so curious to know how your EX is doing that you'd jeopardize your current relationship? That doesn't sound like the actions of a man who has no feelings for his ex.
 
Issue is when you do things like this you dig yourself into a hole. If she ever finds out about this, she'll never trust that the motives for your behaviour were simple laziness and not wanting to face the "hassle" or doing the mature thing of taking responsibility for your choices and behaviour - she'll probably interpret this as you being an untrustworthy accuse you of cheating, and I can see why.
 
I don't think a little white lie is a big deal.

That being said, if she finds out you lied, then she will think it's a big deal. In this situation, I'd go for truth.
 
if it's such a small lie that it's not a big deal, why not tell the truth?

often, it seems, the fact that somebody can't be honest with their partner about something incredibly mundane, is a sign of something more fundamentally wrong with the relationship...

alasdair
 
^ you don't have to lie to somebody to keep a secret...

"not lying" and "telling everybody, everything all the time" are not the same thing :)

alasdair
 
augustaB said:
Little white lies are only ok when in reality you are doing something special for your S.O. and you want it to be a surprise.
Click to expand...

I agree with this. There are a very few reasons why you should lie to your S.O. but I do believe it is okay on occasion.


alasdairm said:
^ you don't have to lie to somebody to keep a secret...

"not lying" and "telling everybody, everything all the time" are not the same thing :)

alasdair
Click to expand...

This seems like you'd be okay with the OP just "not telling" his girlfriend that he's seeing his ex. Saying he's seeing an old friend ... that would be okay? He's just not telling her everything.
 
a lie by omission is still a lie? i think so.

that's why we're made to swear to tell "the truth. the whole truth. and nothing but the truth."

i stand by my point. if his gf has no reason to distrust him and he has to lie to her because she'll "be a bit funny about it", then the relationship has more fundamental issues than a little dishonesty...

alasdair
 
alasdairm said:
a lie by omission is still a lie? i think so.

that's why we're made to swear to tell "the truth. the whole truth. and nothing but the truth."
Click to expand...

However, when you swear that, if you are the accused, you are being judged by a disinterested third party who is obliged to deem you not guilty until it has been proven to some high standard of convincing. You may not be compelled to state anything which implicates you in what you are accused of, and not doing so must not be held against you. When you tell your SO, you are being judged by a highly partisan person. They well demand you answer any and all information, and if not it will be held against you.

If you are not the accused, you are either immune for anything you say which implicates you in offense, or you are not compelled to answer that.

With your SO, even if they have not accused you of anything yet, they will not offer immunity to you for what you say. They WILL hold it against you if you do not answer.

So in this case, the white lie is your only way to secure your right not to self implicate. Because you are facing a ' kangaroo court' which is not a legitimate adjudicator. There is no shame in deceiving it then.

;)
 
just say your ex is your friend and therefore you weren't lying, IF you get caught out. in future be more upfront
 
No way is that okay. Now if she finds out it's going to look like you were doing something.
 
eukaryote said:
So in this case, the white lie is your only way to secure your right not to self implicate. Because you are facing a ' kangaroo court' which is not a legitimate adjudicator. There is no shame in deceiving it then.

;)
Click to expand...
sounds like a really healthy realtionship :)

alasdair
 
alasdairm said:
^ you don't have to lie to somebody to keep a secret...

"not lying" and "telling everybody, everything all the time" are not the same thing :)

alasdair
Click to expand...

Omission of truth is just as bad as a lie, imo. It also goes against what you just said, if you have to withhold information from your partner then there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship. Telling everybody is not the same as telling your partner.

To the OP: don't lie, it doesn't go anywhere good and small white lies can damage the trust dynamics of your entire relationship. If you have nothing to hide then there is no issue being honest.
 
If there's anything I've learnt in the last 40 yrs about being in a relationship is that lies ALWAYS come out.
When your partner realizes you haven't been honest your entire relationship takes a knock.
If you feel the need to tell a lie to your partner ask yourself why.
If it's something you are going to do and you know your partner would no be happy about it, don't do it.
 
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