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is it ok to lie sometimes to your SO?

augustaB said:
If there's anything I've learnt in the last 40 yrs about being in a relationship is that lies ALWAYS come out.
When your partner realizes you haven't been honest your entire relationship takes a knock.
If you feel the need to tell a lie to your partner ask yourself why.
If it's something you are going to do and you know your partner would no be happy about it, don't do it.
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You know, except for the fact she will probably read this, I don't think my lie by omission about the fact that I said I was having "vegetables" with my lunch when it really also included fruits and tubers would have ever come out. I also don't think she'd give a single fuck about it.
 
I always try to live by the golden rule, treat other as you would like to be treated.

How would you feel if you found out your girlfriend told you she was going to meet a friend, but instead it was her ex?

Personally, that would make me feel pretty bad, and it shows a lack of trust in the relationship. I dont think the act of what you did was too bad, but misleading her like that is not cool. Why did you feel the need to talk to your ex? Is it so important to you that you need to mislead your girlfriend in order to do it? Seems like your priorities are a little off.
 
rangrz said:
You know, except for the fact she will probably read this, I don't think my lie by omission about the fact that I said I was having "vegetables" with my lunch when it really also included fruits and tubers would have ever come out. I also don't think she'd give a single fuck about it.
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You what? You lied to me about eating tubers!? How can I ever trust you again? You have a tuber fetish don't you? You where cheating on me! Oh the horror. If we are going to stay together, I am going to need to insert a nasogastic tube daily and aspirate some gastric contents to verify if you've been fully honest about the contents of your lunch.

8)
 
alasdairm said:
if it's such a small lie that it's not a big deal, why not tell the truth?

often, it seems, the fact that somebody can't be honest with their partner about something incredibly mundane, is a sign of something more fundamentally wrong with the relationship...

alasdair
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Well just to play devils advocate, sort of drawing upon my own experience.
What if, to the person saying this little white lie, it is something completely mundane and not a big deal, but your SO has their own issues with you seeing this person.

For example you go to catch up with this person with no intentions, but your SO creates a non existent situation in their mind about what your intentions might be. I can understand a little white lie to avoid a completely nonsensical argument based on the SO's paranoia, rather than the little white liars ill intentions, which in this hypothetical do not exist.

I think ultimately it really has to come down to the specific situation, but generally speaking lying to your partner is not a good move, rarely with good intentions.
I think a white lie told to avoid unnecessary, illogical arguments that are purely emotionally fueled, while possible, is pretty damn rare and highly circumstantial.
 
TangerinO said:
Well just to play devils advocate, sort of drawing upon my own experience.
What if, to the person saying this little white lie, it is something completely mundane and not a big deal, but your SO has their own issues with you seeing this person.

For example you go to catch up with this person with no intentions, but your SO creates a non existent situation in their mind about what your intentions might be. I can understand a little white lie to avoid a completely nonsensical argument based on the SO's paranoia, rather than the little white liars ill intentions, which in this hypothetical do not exist.

I think ultimately it really has to come down to the specific situation, but generally speaking lying to your partner is not a good move, rarely with good intentions.
I think a white lie told to avoid unnecessary, illogical arguments that are purely emotionally fueled, while possible, is pretty damn rare and highly circumstantial.
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Relationships are built on trust. Why should you have to lie at all? Why would someone want to be in a relationship with someone who is so completely insecure? My boyfriend has a female best friend who he dated for a little while at one point. I have met her and she seems like a nice chick and seems very supportive of our relationship. I am not threatened by her in the least bit. I trust my boyfriend completely.

There are deep issues if one partner feels the need to lie, there are deep issues if one partner is irrationally insecure. Those are control issues. A partner should accept that the fact that the other partner can have friends of either gender. As long as everything is on the table then it should be smooth sailing. Any "freak outs" need to be dealt with promptly and swiftly. If you don't have trust then you don't have a relationship.
 
i think there's a danger in the "i only lie if it's for a good reason" approach because you tell yourself that, for example, you're doing it to prevent somebody from hearing something which will hurt them. well, in doing that, in a way you're saying that your right to decide what is and isn't right for them to hear is more important tan their right to make that distinction themselves.

i think the op's case does not fall into this category and so my original point stands - if it's such a minor issue that you choose to characterise it as just a little white lie, why don't you just tell the truth? maybe it's because you're lying to yourself about what the real issue is and it's actually a lot bigger than you're telling yourself?

alasdair
 
Some things they are better off not knowing. Sure it is a responsiblity having to make that decision for them, but the only question you have to ask is "would I want to know the truth?"
 
If you think you have the right to meet your ex, that it would be ok with you if you SO meets her ex(es), and if you have no bad intention.. don't lie.
Don't steal what is rightfully yours.
Otherwise, if you think that meeting your ex is not in your rights in your present circumstances.. don't do it :P
 
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Busty St Clare said:
Sure it is a responsiblity having to make that decision for them, but the only question you have to ask is "would I want to know the truth?"
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that doesn't work because an issue like this is not always symmetrical. the fact that you might want to not know the truth doesn't necessarily equate to your (plural) partner not wanting to know the truth. you're making a decision on somebody else's behalf based on your feelings on the matter not theirs.

my point being that this is a common justification for lying - "i'm doing a good thing" when it can easily be seen as a "bad thing".
Josair said:
If you think you have the right to meet your ex, that it would be ok with you if you SO meets her ex(es)
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again, that's irrelevant because the issue may not be symmetrical.

alasdair
 
If it was really nothing and your intentions were so innocent then why would you bother to omit the truth? Sure, you might have to deal with 5 minutes of potential jealousy, but if your current partner is a reasonable person and you have a healthy relationship then I don't see why you couldn't have told her. You may have issues with your current relationship.
 
I can understand where the OP is coming from as it will inevitably turn into an argument and a real headache for OP once he tells his girlfriend that he dropped in on an ex to catch up. I mean, even if the feelings aren't there anymore, it's really hard to convince someone of that, and that's probably why people just avoid it altogether.

I've been in a similar situation before, and I was honest, and it went over somewhat better than I had expected. I stopped by an ex girlfriend's apartment and spent an hour there just chatting, and when I got back home, my girlfriend asked me where I'd been. I told her straight-up, "I dropped by Stephanie's apartment to catch up with her."

I knew she'd be upset, and she was, and she was very cold to me that night after insisting she know about nearly every detail of our visit. I told her, told her everything, and I think it helped to reassure her that I'm honest and that I have no feelings for my ex; so, yeah, it was a headache, and we spent a fair amount of time that night hashing it out, but I think it went over far better than it would have had I lied about it.
 
Lying is an interesting thing with relationships..of course, in theory it sounds great to say that relationships are based on truth and you should never lie to your partner, etc..however, some things are just better left unsaid..that's not to say you should lie about big shit, things that effect you both in a large way..but I mean little things. Some shit, I just do not want to know..I don't want her to tell me. Same goes with her. In my experience, and this could be bad advise..hah, but the quickest way to totally fuck up a relationship is to not use your best discretion when telling them shit. You have to know when the relationship as a whole and each other as individuals would be better off without certain things being said..like, a quick example would be if an attractive women hit on you at work. You know you'd never cheat in a million years, that's that..so why would you tell your girl when you know it's just going to fuck with her and probably lead to a huge fight? Things like that..just shut up.
 
Hey Rangrz, can you give me details on the timing and overland travel route of a mech inf coy going on an offensive in Helmand province?"

Sure! Let me just tell you the complete and total truth about that classified data! What could possibly go wrong?
 
purplefirefly said:
Relationships are built on trust. Why should you have to lie at all? Why would someone want to be in a relationship with someone who is so completely insecure? My boyfriend has a female best friend who he dated for a little while at one point. I have met her and she seems like a nice chick and seems very supportive of our relationship. I am not threatened by her in the least bit. I trust my boyfriend completely.

There are deep issues if one partner feels the need to lie, there are deep issues if one partner is irrationally insecure. Those are control issues. A partner should accept that the fact that the other partner can have friends of either gender. As long as everything is on the table then it should be smooth sailing. Any "freak outs" need to be dealt with promptly and swiftly. If you don't have trust then you don't have a relationship.
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Well in the particular situation I am thinking of, it was a little more complicated than "Oh yeah, they dated for a little while. She's a nice chick, I'm not threatened", in fact quite a bit more complicated. Which was my point entirely:
That it can entirely depend on the situation.

Remember also I was just playing devils advocate to give the OP something to think about. I have never lied to my partner, so you don't have to lecture me on trust in relationships, but thank you.
 
mr.scagnattie said:
a quick example would be if an attractive women hit on you at work. You know you'd never cheat in a million years, that's that..so why would you tell your girl when you know it's just going to fuck with her and probably lead to a huge fight? Things like that.
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^ This is a good representation of what I was trying to say.
 
I get in trouble for this shit all the time by some people. Really annoys me. I'm not lying to you if you didn't ask me a question pertaining a certain fact. If there isn't anything going on with the ex and the individual in the relationship, they really could just be friends, resulting in "I stopped by a friends house to chat" not having a lie, nor implicating any reason to withhold information. There are trust issues in the relationship if you think your SO will cheat on you when out with someone else. Of course they could cheat, but anyone could cheat. The point of a relationship is that they aren't going to do something terrible like that in the first place. I'm ADHD and sometimes my answers to questions will focus on certain facts. Say I was asked about my day, I may mention just a few items that come to me, work, certain annoying driving story, funny thought I had to day, etc. I may not mention I had lunch with so and so, just like I may not mention I had french toast for breakfast. It doesn't need to be mentioned if it wasn't asked about or may not matter to you (or to them). Even if I know that mentioning something I did could upset an SO, if I did nothing wrong I feel no need to discuss it. Why am I going to waste time getting yelled at because I ate lunch with some chick I dated 5 years ago and didn't cheat on during the lunch, if I know I will get yelled at. It doesn't hold relevance to her, so no reason to tell her, and her being irrational about something isn't a reason to tell someone an irrelevant story. I even sometimes just don't think of something untill later when I think about it. When first asked, I may not automatically think of the potential piece of info that could be told. I've gotten yelled at by a girl for telling her later I took an opiate yesterday, when I was never asked about it, I was never told I could enjoy the occasional opiate (especially if they use recreational opiates too).
"why didn't you tell me yesterday?"
"I didnt' think about it, nor was I asked. I'm telling you now because I was interested if you wanted a small amount of it, chill out."
"You still lied to me because I didn't know you were high yesterday"
"You didn't ask, so it can be a lie. Also why am I offering some to you if I did 'lie' about it". It was silly jealous BS.

I make it a point to not care about opposite sex friends, spending time in situations were bad things good happen if they choose to be bad (clearly I shouldn't be with them, not they shouldn't have hung out with that individual), etc. I tell SOs, if you feel I may get upset because of jealousy/a stupid illogical reason and doesn't have to do with me, dont' tell me. If you find some dude that come in your work today is real attractive and you had a good conversation with them why do I want to know? Why would you even tell me. If we are together the point is neither of use will cheat. Or thats what we assume because there should be trust.

People need their own privacy. I hate how social networking has turned the the world into a silly, jealous, waste of time, annoying indoctrination of weird social "protocol", etc. I don't care about 95% of the features or reasons for facebook. I don't like the silly image it portrays a person (limited way that can be interpreted in one way by some viewer), I don't like wasting time reading about something you're going to tell me later (besides articles, music, or items we can discuss, basically were it can be use intellectually in person. Your stupid dog taking a shit on the carpet maybe a kinda funny story if told to me, so why am I reading about it first online, resulting in me hearing about something I only need to hear once, notably through a better medium). Fuck if I use facebook again, let alone give it to (if I make one) a girl who I'm interested in.
 
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