Everytime Im away at college I have this feeling that im missing something back home when it comes to good times. The place im enrolled is in a small town with 2 bars a couple restaurants and nothing to consistantly find but weed. On the one hand it provides a stable place where I cant get in too much trouble. On the other I feel like im wasting my life away here. I probably am wasting my time here while I do know some people here I I cant really say that they are my friend I just cant be honest with them. I almost feel like an actor playing a role like this is how I am supposed to act or feel.
See im not sure what I need to do to be happy. A part of me wants to get a girl a degree a dog and have a boring middle class existance. But I cant really reconcile that with the part that wants to do drugs but still lived within societys boundaries (job,car shit like that)this part knows I need to stop the opiates for a good long while. The other main part wants to shoot heroin and live completely for the moment no matter what consequences that will bring. My therapist suggested that I have all these different personalities in my head that need to be satisfied he used the analogy of taking turns driving the car but that I need to be selective in which when and for how long I let each paricular one drive. But I kinda see that as a cop-out a way to act like im not making a irreversible decision when clearly all decisions are irreversible in that they have social consequences.
And its all about the social consequences I am albeit reluctantly a social creature by nature. The jist of it is I had it all and completely blew it, thru apathy and inneptitude. In high school I was never the popular guy but I cultivated 3 friendships I thought would last forever.As well as being a member of a larger social group that I really enjoyed. Well 2 out of the 3 didnt last 5 years and the other certainly isnt what it used to be. While I have come to realize that experience is common and not in itself cause for alarm, the fact is that I have had difficulty forming other friendships. I think that the insulatiing nature of my former friends made me miss a crucial period of social development. The situation is not just my imagination my therapist suggested that I may have "aspergers syndrome".
I would give anything to return to my social group of the past and it feels like it could possibly happen if I playd my cards perfectly. But I have this feeling thatI cant go back that I chose to leave that path for a reason. On the other hand this road at school seems very artificial. I just cant relate to these people. I just feel like either way I choose theres a good chance I am going to regret it later.
See im not sure what I need to do to be happy. A part of me wants to get a girl a degree a dog and have a boring middle class existance. But I cant really reconcile that with the part that wants to do drugs but still lived within societys boundaries (job,car shit like that)this part knows I need to stop the opiates for a good long while. The other main part wants to shoot heroin and live completely for the moment no matter what consequences that will bring. My therapist suggested that I have all these different personalities in my head that need to be satisfied he used the analogy of taking turns driving the car but that I need to be selective in which when and for how long I let each paricular one drive. But I kinda see that as a cop-out a way to act like im not making a irreversible decision when clearly all decisions are irreversible in that they have social consequences.
And its all about the social consequences I am albeit reluctantly a social creature by nature. The jist of it is I had it all and completely blew it, thru apathy and inneptitude. In high school I was never the popular guy but I cultivated 3 friendships I thought would last forever.As well as being a member of a larger social group that I really enjoyed. Well 2 out of the 3 didnt last 5 years and the other certainly isnt what it used to be. While I have come to realize that experience is common and not in itself cause for alarm, the fact is that I have had difficulty forming other friendships. I think that the insulatiing nature of my former friends made me miss a crucial period of social development. The situation is not just my imagination my therapist suggested that I may have "aspergers syndrome".
I would give anything to return to my social group of the past and it feels like it could possibly happen if I playd my cards perfectly. But I have this feeling thatI cant go back that I chose to leave that path for a reason. On the other hand this road at school seems very artificial. I just cant relate to these people. I just feel like either way I choose theres a good chance I am going to regret it later.
