MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 5)

[martainnn]

Do any of you have this flickering of light. I get it mostly after waking up if there is a lot of light or if there is a reflecting surface in my sight.

Do you mean like a strobing sensation? Occasionally I will have a strobing like effect sort of like at the bottom of my vision (its kinda not all over my vision but below where im focusing my vision if that makes sense) thats like a torch being turned on and off repeatedly at a fast rate. I dont get it very often tbh but I used to get it quite bad. I get all sorts of issues with lights and is probably the worst of my visual problems. For example when im in a store i sometimes see shop lights flickering as if theyre broken but im pretty certain is just me that can see it haha. Also my most annoying symptom is lines of light that come out of bright lights and connect to my eyes when i blink and AFAIK im the only person who has this as I havent seen anyone else mention it. Its not like halos or starbursts cos it only appears when i blink. I even get it if theres a bright light in a scene on tv haha.

 

[martainnn]

But why would one appear like 3 weeks after my OD when I was feeling way better? Then I saw a ton more upon my relapse? I agree I'm hyperware now, but that's not the only explanation as to why I see the eye debris. I'll try and find it, but I thought I read something that stated serotonin plays a role in the eye, and also low serotonin can cause Tinnitus. I can't help but think it's all related.

Well if you were like me and your HPPD came on slowly over the month after your last mdma use then it would explain why you began to notice more visual abnormailities. Apart from some mild dizziness and a constant headache I had no visual issues for about 2 or 3 weeks.

 

[ADubbs]

Well if you were like me and your HPPD came on slowly over the month after your last mdma use then it would explain why you began to notice more visual abnormailities. Apart from some mild dizziness and a constant headache I had no visual issues for about 2 or 3 weeks.

Yeah similar to me.....That's why I'm saying the floaters are a mild HPPD symptom

 

[rrandy]

Do you mean like a strobing sensation? Occasionally I will have a strobing like effect sort of like at the bottom of my vision (its kinda not all over my vision but below where im focusing my vision if that makes sense) thats like a torch being turned on and off repeatedly at a fast rate. I dont get it very often tbh but I used to get it quite bad. I get all sorts of issues with lights and is probably the worst of my visual problems. For example when im in a store i sometimes see shop lights flickering as if theyre broken but im pretty certain is just me that can see it haha. Also my most annoying symptom is lines of light that come out of bright lights and connect to my eyes when i blink and AFAIK im the only person who has this as I havent seen anyone else mention it. Its not like halos or starbursts cos it only appears when i blink. I even get it if theres a bright light in a scene on tv haha.

Yes that explains it well. Do you have any issues with abstract thinking, like a reduced ability to hold thoughts and think them through? I hope its only a byproduct of anhedonia and a stressed body though. And how much MDMA caused this for you?

 

[martainnn]

Yes that explains it well. Do you have any issues with abstract thinking, like a reduced ability to hold thoughts and think them through? I hope its only a byproduct of anhedonia and a stressed body though. And how much MDMA caused this for you?

Well I suffer from chronic DP/DR, which is my worst symptom of them all. In fact I dont even care about my visual issues at this point. Anyway, my long term memory is still intact and my intelligence is still clearly good as I just graduated from university with a high mark. However, the DP causes all sorts of issues such as brain fog, overthinking, cluttered mind, sometimes the inability to process things quickly, weird thoughts and inner visuals etc etc. So I have some issues with thinking but I mostly ignore that. I remember it being a lot worse in the beginning though.

As for how much MD caused this is hard to say. My case is a little different as I was using for 8 years before I got really ill but I think I was experiecing some mild intermittent DP a few years prior. Also, I think stress and a breakdown contributed to my demise (a few months prior to the resulting dose my partner of 8 years left me for another man) just as much as the drugs did. But to answer your question directly, the last night I did any drugs before this hell set in was 18 months ago and I took probably around 150-200mg MD, 3 lines of ketamine (which I think was actually MXE), and a whole box of nitrous carts. The combination of drugs caused some sort of weird sensation in my brain the felt like it was burning/melting away and I had a panic attack or some weird reaction that to this day I cant get my head round what happened. I think the stress I had been dealing with put me in a very fragile state.

 

[martainnn]

Yeah similar to me.....That's why I'm saying the floaters are a mild HPPD symptom

I would agree, I get them outside sometimes but I just ignore them nowadays. I dont think theyre directly a true HPPD symtpom, such as ghosting, trails, afterimages etc but rather that HPPD makes them much more noticable as we cant filter out visual noise as well as other people.

 

[rrandy]

^thanks for the answer. I think we have very similar symptoms. My intelligence seems to be there for the most part also, but is kind of covered by brain fog and me just not being in the present moment. I also had a panic attack because of the high dose and thought I would die. I wonder how much this plays a role in this.

 

[socrilus]

Just wanted to say its been a week on T and I am feeling somewhat less stressed overall and orgasms are also a lot better/normalizing! I still have the mood issues but at least those other issues are returning to normal right now

 

[martainnn]

Good to hear. How low was your test before? Are you running a cycle or just going to cruise on it? Anyways, be sure to run proper PCT if you come of it.

 

[socrilus]

Good to hear. How low was your test before? Are you running a cycle or just going to cruise on it? Anyways, be sure to run proper PCT if you come of it.

It was in the low-mid 400s give or take. However my DHT was pretty low--just 1 point above the normal range. E2 was also low-normal.

My LH was also low indicating suppressed hypothalmic-pituitary signaling from this LTC.

I guess it would just be cruise as I'm using HCG while on it as well.

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

But why would one appear like 3 weeks after my OD when I was feeling way better? Then I saw a ton more upon my relapse? I agree I'm hyperware now, but that's not the only explanation as to why I see the eye debris. I'll try and find it, but I thought I read something that stated serotonin plays a role in the eye, and also low serotonin can cause Tinnitus. I can't help but think it's all related.

You mean its just eye debris and not the splotchy blobs of color/afterimage type stuff (like you can normally see, especially after you look at something bright)?

I mean, I think there is a lot going on in our bodies/brains that isn't necessarily revealed to us consciously.

Tinnitus and visual snow seem much more related to hyperexcitability and cranial nerve dysfunction than "low serotonin" anyways, the cranial nerves contribute to the development of tinnitus and this seems to actually be a delayed process.

So many people report weird head symptoms that we really shouldn't be ignoring.

In fact, I'm willing to bet that you could classify people into different types of "LTCs" depending upon whether or not they had head symptoms like the classic "brain burning", head pressure and stuff like that. Which mind us is nothing to do with the brain itself, neither are brain zaps - its all about the cranial nerves.

 

[howlowhowlstheowl]

^
Couldn't it still be the brain sending dysfunctional signals to the nerves? Or what could it be - inflammation? I honestly don't know much about medical things like these.

I for one have a ton of sensations around my head. The worst is this constant pulling/pressure kind of sensation behind my eyes. My jaw is tense, neck is tense, shoulders are tense.. I get tickling, tingling, burning sensations around my eyes and temples that come and go. Today I had a pretty severe headache but those aren't every day. My neck is also twitching a little. If I get angry, upset, nervous, excited my neck starts shaking really badly and trying to turn my head is very stuttery. My hands will start shaking too, same as my voice.

If I let my head hang loose to either the side I get a tingling electric kind of feeling through my body which jolts me. Like a whole body hypnagogic jerk. These keep coming if I don't move.

I'm not sure how much anxiety of depression I have. There's some and maybe I would notice it if I felt better but I feel like hell physically, constantly badly dizzy/woozy/nauseous and it eases somewhat if I close my eyes and/or lay down. I feel like I'm in a constant mild seizure or something. I feel dumb and weak. It's this physical stuff + confusion and hypersensitivity to stimulus that are my worst symptoms.

The confusion feels like what I imagine severe autism would be. It's at it's worst when with people. If I try to hold eye contact and talk I get this feeling of confusion. It is difficult to describe but it's like I can't process all of the information so I feel "threatened".. It is bizarre. I haven't stumbled over words anymore or lost the ability to speak lately. But I can't be and act naturally with people. On the outside I might seem very scared as my voice and body gets shaky and it's hard to keep eye contact. It's hard to think on the fly and I tend to space out or just repeat how awful I feel. I can have a conversation with someone sitting next to me but if we sit face to face it might be too much.

I'll be seeing the neurologist some time in august. I'm honestly not very hopeful about my recovery any more at this point. If it was only anxiety, depression dp/dr I know those might go but I feel destroyed. I still sometimes get these seizure/stroke type episodes (or days) when I just feel like absolute death and so confused and out of it I'll just sit and breathe. Sometimes for hours.

Those are the bad days. On the "good" days I can go jogging and watch movies or whatever but that's it. I can't handle any stress. Can't handle going out much as the noise, lights etc stimulus is too much. Just riding the bus is insane. Hyperexcitability sounds fitting.

I'm dreading the neurologist visit. I want to go there in this condition as it is and not take any benzodiazepines but the thought of checking into a waiting room sounds about the same as walking into a battlefield with bullets whizzing by.

 

[Regrets9995]

Does anyone else feel like they are watching the world in 2-d? Everything just seems flat

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

^
Couldn't it still be the brain sending dysfunctional signals to the nerves?

I for one have a ton of sensations around my head. The worst is this constant pulling/pressure kind of sensation behind my eyes. My jaw is tense, neck is tense, shoulders are tense.. I get tickling, tingling, burning sensations around my eyes and temples that come and go. Today I had a pretty severe headache but those aren't every day. My neck is also twitching a little. If I get angry, upset, nervous, excited my neck starts shaking really badly and trying to turn my head is very stuttery. My hands will start shaking too, same as my voice.

Typically its much more the case that these nerves supply sensory input to the brain rather than the brain supplies input to these nerves but there could be some modulation of these nerves by the brain. There could also be some dysfunction in the brain in that would take some time to resolve after the cranial nerves calm down.

The main brain region concerned here is the somatosensory cortex, but there are other brain regions that process the information from cranial nerves before sending it off to the somatosensory cortex - the thalamus processes the information beforehand and then communicates with a large system called the reticular activating system (RAS) that is intimately involved in many processes, including sleep and sleep related paralysis.

The RAS and somatosensory cortex are both in a position to cause a lot of these symptoms, so I suspect the cranial nerves are causing dysfunction of both the RAS and somatosensory cortex at once. The RAS is really hooked in to our fight-or-flight systems - I suspect that excess input from the cranial nerves -> thalamus -> RAS can cause a lot of the sympathetic stress response symptoms.


"If I try to hold eye contact and talk I get this feeling of confusion. It is difficult to describe but it's like I can't process all of the information"

The somatosensory cortex actually has a lot to do with social interaction and empathy and processing such complex social information that we receive through our senses, I think somatosensory cortex dysfunction can account for these reports of social abnormalities and some somatosensory cortex dysfunction has been spotted in chronic MDMA abusers in a neuroimaging study.

I don't know exactly whats going on with the cranial nerves, but it could be that there is some inflammation and aberrant activity that needs time to calm down. Fixing posture would be important if you have hunched shoulders/spine and forward head posture.

There are meds like Lamotrigine that see use in treating cranial nerve disorders (in addition to epilepsy, migraine and mood disorders), so I've always been curious to see how it would affect the cranial nerve related LTCs.


"I still sometimes get these seizure/stroke type episodes (or days) when I just feel like absolute death and so confused and out of it I'll just sit and breathe. "

Watch out for respiratory alkalosis with hyperventilating - hyperventilating can result in quite a lot of symptoms, especially pins and needles in the face and extremities. Eventually the muscles will start to spasm uncontrollably. Long story short, there is such a thing as too much oxygen and not enough carbon dioxide.


"If I get angry, upset, nervous, excited my neck starts shaking really badly and trying to turn my head is very stuttery."

Heh, yeah I used to get this pretty badly, the back of my neck would start contracting, I probably looked pretty spastic lol. But needless to say I haven't had this happen in forever.

Try to slow your breathing down and try learning some mindfulness/vipassana meditation. Breathing too much is no good, and it will just make us feel more out of breath in the end.

 

[howlowhowlstheowl]

Does anyone else feel like they are watching the world in 2-d? Everything just seems flat
​

Do you have dp/dr type anxiety? I've had that before as a derealization sidekick. More so with my previous ssri wd than this ltc thing.

 

[Regrets9995]

Yes I have been experiencing dp dr, but I must say getting the anxiety more under control with CBT is improving it, just these visual things make everything look fake and flat, so strange

 

[martainnn]

Yes I have been experiencing dp dr, but I must say getting the anxiety more under control with CBT is improving it, just these visual things make everything look fake and flat, so strange

Its just a symptom of DP/DR bro

 

[howlowhowlstheowl]

Interesting stuff. Of course the thought that the nerves are behind this would be more hopeful. In a way the pressure sensation behind the eyes gives hope that my eyes aren't moving involuntarily because of some major brain damage. But it is what it is.

"...reticular activating system (RAS) that is intimately involved in many processes, including sleep and sleep related paralysis."

My sleep is also broken, but not as badly as you'd imagine from the rest of the symptoms.

I don't believe hyperventilation is an issue as my breathing if anything tends to be more slow and laboured than normal during those really bad episodes of confusion and nausea. At least while I'm at home. The twitchy, shaky thing is a whole other deal. Mindful breathing might be applicable there but I feel you would already need to be a guru to stay mindful during that

Posture .. err yeah. I spend the majority of my days in bed laying down with my neck propped up. It's not ideal but I feel that laying down eases the confused wooziness. Either that or sitting. Might be it helps simply because it activates the parasympathetic system. At the beginning I rocked back and forth on my side in bed to get to sleep. Forced yawning helps a little too.

I used to do some mindfulness meditation along with metta lovingkindness and gratitude before this ltc. The way I did the practice was always sitting in lotus position and focusing on the breath while looking at a point in the floor. The thing is like I've mentioned my eyes won't stay still so this caused more distress. I don't actually notice the eye thing that much while I watch tv, read or play games since the eyes are moving anyway.

I've done some gratitude meditation during this and I might start practicing mindfulness again. Might as well do my best to support healing. The thing is though I almost feel like this is so horrible to comprehend I like to keep myself busy, distracted as much as possible. Time goes by quicker. My current life is like I see on the other threads "a horror story". I feel mindful living tends to bring attention to the suffering even more. Can one even watch tv mindfully? At times I feel like I should do something more. Learn some skill at least if I can't continue my studies or work. Maybe playing an instrument or cooking. But I quickly give up when reality sets in. Too sick, too fatigued. I've found my own rhythm in this new existence though I'm not sure it's the healthiest.

I'm in a good mood and feel sharper at least in the evenings. I still feel thoroughly messed up but it's doable.

I'll update what happens with the neurologist. If there are any kind tests or images that would be helpful or interesting I'm all ears. As far as I'm aware he doesn't have any special experience with drug abuse but is an experienced senior neurologist.

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

One piece of advice for the visit is to make a little list of symptoms that you want to mention with a priority list, for example the various head stuff (which to me should definitely be high priority, especially with a neurologist because the nerves are their area)


Try to practice some mindfulness in the mean time, if I recall correctly you're still early on. People tend to get freaked out by the whole "permanent damage" thing and that thinking isn't exactly conducive to recovery, nor conducive to quality of life in the here and now

Do pay more attention to your breath, try to let it come and go naturally instead of breathing intently (your body will breathe for itself when it needs more oxygen)

 

[Badroll7]

I agree and have realized that most of the symptoms that Ltc sufferers on this site speak of sound more correlated with nerve damage than brain damage