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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 5)

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ZeroLuck said:
Half an year later after 0.6 binge...

No more DP/DR, short-memory much better if not almost back to normal, concentration somewhere the same. However I feel like my general intelligence is lower than before, I'm not as sharp as before, hard to express myself, my vocabulary is poor, recalling words, etc.

At this point I'm not sure if my recovery turned into self-obsession giving my false symptoms or maybe self-aware which was not existing before... However it feels very real to me that I'm not using my brain capacity at the same level. Any thoughts?
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I can relate to this a lot, the self awareness can be very exhausting. Before I wouldn't consciously notice small changes in my state of mind or perception, now the slightest thing changes and I instantly notice. This is probably why we don't feel as sharp as we once were, a lot of our attention is directed to how we are feeling and not what we are doing. Also, i understand that it is good health to get tests and make sure everything is ok but surely that shouldn't be taking up all of your attention? Isnt that more detrimental to your health? Getting back into the world and focusing on the basics and approaching recovery in a more general way seems like a better way to go, other wise you are feeding the obsession searching for some hormonal imbalance that may have been there any way. Just doesn't seem productive in my opinion.
 
Regrets9995 said:
I can relate to this a lot, the self awareness can be very exhausting. Before I wouldn't consciously notice small changes in my state of mind or perception, now the slightest thing changes and I instantly notice. This is probably why we don't feel as sharp as we once were, a lot of our attention is directed to how we are feeling and not what we are doing. Also, i understand that it is good health to get tests and make sure everything is ok but surely that shouldn't be taking up all of your attention? Isnt that more detrimental to your health? Getting back into the world and focusing on the basics and approaching recovery in a more general way seems like a better way to go, other wise you are feeding the obsession searching for some hormonal imbalance that may have been there any way. Just doesn't seem productive in my opinion.
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Also another common thing in us is our negativity. Look at our usernames. :D

You're completely right and you've reminded me something I was thinking before... As long I'm happy in life and be capable enough to support myself that's all I need. So the questions should be how to be happy and how to earn a living from something I do. Isn't that the same issue with the rest of the world?
 
ZeroLuck said:
Also another common thing in us is our negativity. Look at our usernames. :D

You're completely right and you've reminded me something I was thinking before... As long I'm happy in life and be capable enough to support myself that's all I need. So the questions should be how to be happy and how to earn a living from something I do. Isn't that the same issue with the rest of the world?
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We should change our usernames today, little things like that can help a lot.

Yes everyone has to ask themselves these questions, if anything this experience has put everything into perspective for me and has shown me what I want to do with my life as before I was doing what I thought I should be doing, not what I wanted to do.
I have direction now but my cognitive abilities and general quality of life is still pretty low but I am hopeful.
 
That's the spirit! Let's try being positive even if the smallest fragments of thought! Usernames could be hard to change, but would be a reminder. Funny thing is that my DPDR vanished once I've embraced it.
 
The worst thing for me at the minute is this dam head pressure slash headache or whatever it is
 
Just got onto Testosterone therapy with HCG. Hopefully this helps in at the very least providing relief from some LTC mental/physical non-visual hppd symptoms. I'm excited to see what happens with this stuff.
 
The worst thing for me at the minute is this dam head pressure slash headache or whatever it is
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I'm pretty sure that's associated with your mental state. Some people are more predisposed to headaches even without reason. I'm pretty positive if you fix your mind issues, the headaches will vanish.

Just got onto Testosterone therapy with HCG. Hopefully this helps in at the very least providing relief from some LTC mental/physical non-visual hppd symptoms. I'm excited to see what happens with this stuff.
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Make sure to benefit to the max with the testosterone therapy. You can easily get a nice body with healthy diet and workout! Really, don't miss that opportunity!
 
Have others after coming off MDMA noticed like sensetivity to things they once enjoyed as the after effect long after stopping? For instance trying to work and your heart flutters compared to never really have it happening before? I notice that when I'm off of work I have my heart fluttering maybe due to exhaustion and my body trying to regulate, ever since I've taken Prozac my pulse has regulated compared to never having a steady pulse at all and many symptoms faded as said before. Had all sort of test done and think it's just my body still have LTC like things going on that I normally had, it's as if my brain is locked on some thing I dealt with while taking MDMA. Just wondering if others experienced similar things that may have seem uncomfortable but where just a phase? I read fractions of what some may have went threw but seems like stimulants or sugar tends to put my brain zaps back for whatever reason and I get tunnel vision. Going to bring it up at my next visit with my PCP. Can't help to think that some major Anxiety and Panic has been a result of abuse from it but hard to tell exactly.
 
DankasaurusTx said:
Have others after coming off MDMA noticed like sensetivity to things they once enjoyed as the after effect long after stopping? For instance trying to work and your heart flutters compared to never really have it happening before? I notice that when I'm off of work I have my heart fluttering maybe due to exhaustion and my body trying to regulate, ever since I've taken Prozac my pulse has regulated compared to never having a steady pulse at all and many symptoms faded as said before. Had all sort of test done and think it's just my body still have LTC like things going on that I normally had, it's as if my brain is locked on some thing I dealt with while taking MDMA. Just wondering if others experienced similar things that may have seem uncomfortable but where just a phase? I read fractions of what some may have went threw but seems like stimulants or sugar tends to put my brain zaps back for whatever reason and I get tunnel vision. Going to bring it up at my next visit with my PCP. Can't help to think that some major Anxiety and Panic has been a result of abuse from it but hard to tell exactly.
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My heart flutters now, but I think it's me just noticing it more. Also....my brain zaps only happened upon falling asleep.....which I don't get anymore. Sometimes I still get the twitching but not the massive whole body jarring zaps like a year ago.
 
ADubbs said:
About the same I have been for the past 5 months lol. I think I've recovered as much as I ever will..... fundamental changes happened and sometimes they can't be reversed.
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At least mood wise you are doing ok right? With the only symptoms being VS/BFEP/tinnitus/floaters?

I think eventually you will get used to the mild-HPPD. We are lucky those are our only 'HPPD' symptoms.

Technically I think everybody has floaters

Do you have the other HPPD symptoms or just those I mentioned?
 
socrilus said:
At least mood wise you are doing ok right? With the only symptoms being VS/BFEP/tinnitus/floaters?

I think eventually you will get used to the mild-HPPD. We are lucky those are our only 'HPPD' symptoms.

Technically I think everybody has floaters

Do you have the other HPPD symptoms or just those I mentioned?
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Yeah you're correct about my symptoms. I also have flickering at night. The symptoms in and of themselves aren't that bad..... But they're just a constant reminder of what I did to myself, which gives me anxiety. And honestly I don't think any amount of mindfulness will make that go away. I had 0 floaters before all this, now I have like 20, and they make looking at a computer screen a pain in the ass lol.

I have bad insomnia, but I can't sleep now due to this constant bundle of nerves feeling I have and the Tinnitus.... But I have that feeling all the time, not just when I'm anxious. In beginning my insomnia was neurological.... Now it's mostly because of anxiety.
 
^When you're talking about floaters are you talking about hyperawareness of visual artifacts (actual things in the vitreous humor) or HPPD-like floaters that are just blobs and splotches of color?
 
The brain actually is supposed to hide the floaters

I had a bout of floater anxiety a few months back where I was experiencing exactly what you are but it resolved and I stopped actively noticing the floaters when the obsessive thoigjt about them dissapated.

But if I look for them of course I have like 20 too.

Probably just hyperawareness tbh unless its the second kind of floater cotcha is talking about in which case I have no idea.
 
I think both types of floaters are normal with the clear style being things floating on the surface of your eye and the coloured blobs are related to light passing through the retina I believe. As has been said its just hyperawareness. Lots of people experience these but they dont really pay attention to them. Anxiety and general awareness of them is going to make them stand out more. In fact a lot of visual stuff is normal. Since talking to my partner about my visual issues she has commented a few times saying she can sometimes see mild visual snow over certain material (such as the curtains in our bedroom). Anxiety can do all sorts of things to our brain including how we percieve vision.
 
Do any of you have this flickering of light. I get it mostly after waking up if there is a lot of light or if there is a reflecting surface in my sight.
 
But why would one appear like 3 weeks after my OD when I was feeling way better? Then I saw a ton more upon my relapse? I agree I'm hyperware now, but that's not the only explanation as to why I see the eye debris. I'll try and find it, but I thought I read something that stated serotonin plays a role in the eye, and also low serotonin can cause Tinnitus. I can't help but think it's all related.
 
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