Hi yubacity-.
Recovery is a process. A bird flies, a fish swims, an addict gets high. When we use, we're doing what we're used to doing when faced with stress, frustration, boredom, etc. Recovery is alot of re-learning. Thinking about the end consequence BEFORE we put something in motion.
"If I cheat on my wife, and she finds out- I could lose my marriage and family. Is this ok w me?" "If I go on a tear and binge use for a week, I'm going to go through mental and physical withdrawal, start alot of shit w my wife, etc. I'm going to stay unavailable to my children, and before I know it, they're going to have their own lives and I can never get this time back, am I ok w that?".
It's making yourself stop and think. Mindfulness. You have to put this behavior into motion until it becomes 2nd nature. Toothpastedog is very experienced w this, maybe he'll chime in or you can PM him.
Many of us here have gone through/are still going through (myself included) the same process you are. Yeah, it sucks at times. Yes, alot of blood, sweat and tears is involved. Is it worth it? Yes. I believe it is.
Have you considered going by to NA meetings? Meeting like-minded people that are struggling and trying to live a life without the chaos, suffering and heartbreak of addiction.
I went to a meeting Monday night and I'm going to one today at noon (which I have to get going to get ready for). The people usually are welcoming. I'm hoping to build a strong support system. I desperately need one.
Hang in there. There are many of us going through it w you.