Thanks, your too kindIm trying to work out how to start a blog. Can you help?
The worst thing ive ever done for drugs..... hmmm there's been more than a few. But the thing that keeps me up at night is the way I distanced myself from my kids when I was taking heroin. Dragging them about on crazy car journeys, waiting about in shitty houses full of fucked up people. Palming them off with sweets and visits to parks that were next to dealers houses. Being so wrecked that you cant remember what they did last week at school, let alone what they said to you half an hour ago
Ive been reading previous posts where people have been expressing their self-loathing at their dirty deeds. You don't deserve it! We are all human. We all fuck up. We've all done horrible things in the name of taking drugs, even if its only been to yourself. From what ive seen, bad people don't look back and berate themselves over the shit they've done. Take the fact that it preys on your mind as good sign. Your sense of right and wrong is intact. Addiction blurs the lines of your life, including your morality.
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Wow, great point! Thing is, I have no problem forgiving other people for shitty behavior which can be chalked up to their addiction. One of my most common sayings about such things is, "It wasn't so-and-so; it was the drugs." It's only myself I have difficulty excusing for anything the slightest bit shady, dishonest, or irresponsible. But, you are absolutely right! A sociopathic person has no conscience, (well, there is a spectrum, but for the purposes of this post...), and thus can look back and feel no shame or guilt or that ickiness inside. I have worked my ass off to pay for 99% of any drugs I have ever done, and there are certain lines I just know I will never cross, but it's the handful of times I have had to resort to being shady which stck in my mind.
Also a good point made above regarding the fact that it's the lack of availability, the illegality, and exorbitant cost of drugs which often cause decent but desperate people to do what they do, to get what they need.
I have the same problem. If someone talked to me the way I talk to myself sometimes, especially digging over all the things I've done that I wish I hadn't, Id tell them to fuck right off. I wouldn't have it. But I do it to myself?! I often wonder why I give myself such a hard time about the choices ive made. I've decided its something to be glad of, in a way (although its hard work), because it means that I'm aware of what's good for me as a person and what's not. There are lines I've drawn for myself that ive crossed and others that I couldn't, even if I tried. I always draw self imposed lines in chalk
What makes someone a user or a 'junkie'? The more I think about it, the more questions it raises for me. Is it the morality your taught as a kid? Or is it about the money:sickness ratio? Or an individuals pain threshold? Levels of responsibility? All of the above and more probably. Everyone's different.
Ickiness is a great word for that feeling![]()
I honestly don't think that's that bad.. You pester a girl who is dependent on a substance, and offer her the drugs she needs not to be sick, all to take advantage of the situation and sex her up. I'm glad you dipped out, fuck that guy. (No pun intended).Just remembered this one. I hung out in the hispanic area of town and most of my friends were Mexican, Salvadorean, ect. It was an area with some gang activity as well. This one dealer wanted to sleep with me and said he'd give me ten bags - he'd been bugging me for months. I finally said ok I'll do it, we go to a hotel (he pays), and I tell him I need to fix first. He says fine, I mix up three bags, do a massive shot, and think, you know what? I'm not doing this. He'd given me all the dope at once, it was in my pocket. I told him I needed to run down to the store, and never came back.
I saw him a couple days later and he didn't even look at me. I knew I'd be fine, because he knew that I knew people and if I ended up even breathed on wrong he'd get shot.
To me the "worst thing" in this story isn't that i came close to giving up my body for drugs.. it's that I basically fucked someone over. I felt guilty for a long time though. Yeah he'd been bugging me and yes he wanted to pay me for sex, but he wasn't like, a jerk or something. And I did say I'd do it. But when the time came I just.. didn't want to, and I was really high, so I said fuck it, and left.