The Suicide Support Thread

[Abject]

Thank you

 

[subutex_junkie]

So today, after missing a shot or 2 yesterday, I realized that I couldn't hit my usual vein and was just generally having trouble for a moment until, thank God, I finally found a good vein to hit. After that, I just became really depressed, I feel like a real piece of shit, begging God to let me get my shot... I started thinking about suicide again because, this may sound pathetic but I really have a tough time thinking about life without being able to shoot up, I almost question if life without shooting up is worth living. I know logically that it's not worth dying but it just is hard to imagine life without needles, I've tried to stop but always go back and that's just one more reason I just think about giving up. Thankfully, I have 2, great room mates that always are willing to talk if I'm upset, I'm still just a bit sad, I can't believe I've ruined so many veins in my arms and for what? An addiction that's killing me emotionally and physically. I really think I may start trying to quit shooting or at least lower my dose, I'd prefer to just quit but for me, "quitting" isn't always just that simple, I almost need to be forced, this time losing veins may be what it takes for me to stop because if I run out of veins, I refuse to use my neck veins and my groin. I think that I'm going to start making an effort to quit shooting sometime this month, I know I can't keep living like this for much longer...

 

[Veneer]

I need to get help.

Well it all started when my mom died in a car accident when I was 12. She was my everything and the one thing that I never wanted to let go, but now she was gone. I became really depressed, antisocial, and paranoid. I had no one that I could really talk about it and to let it all out. I had no friends. My dad doesn't even look at me as a son. Eventually, I just got worse and worse. Things get better? Well not for me. I'm 16 now, and it's been anything but better.

I became suicidal when I was 14. That's when the bullying started. The things that they would say, hurt me more than I could've ever thought it would've. It lowered my self-esteem and self-confidence so much that I see myself as a failure. I could never see myself going to college, getting a job, etc..

I want to overdose with Tylenol. I know it's a slow and painful process that may just leave my choking on my own vomit and waking up in a hospital, but I'll give anything a try now. I have nothing to live for, and nothing to lose.

That's why I need to get help but I don't know how. I've already told my dad but he didn't even care. All he said was dont think about it, and I don't think he really understands. I want to get help, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[plmar]

Forget your dad.
You're 16 right, still going to high school? What's the bullying like? We've all been bullied if you don't wanna discuss it in this thread PM me because I can relate. All I'm gonna say is that as long as you're not getting bullied by a group of kids at once (there's always that one or two kids who this happens to at every school), you can fight back and make it stop. You're a 16 year old male, if you're willing to commit suicide by Tylenol why not ruin their lives instead? Instead of getting Tylenol and ruining your liver or kidneys in the process<snip> go FUCK those kids up. You have nothing to lose. You might get kicked out of school but who cares, don't let some snotty nosed <brats> make your life worse, losing a parent as a kid is bad enough. If you're a quiet skinny kid as long as they aren't 200lb brickhouses you can catch them offguard, especially if you've never fought back before. Knock out some teeth dude.
I can relate because school systems in the modern day (as well as parenting), is getting worse and worse. Students are discouraged from fighting yet some of the bullying that I've witnessed is unbelievable. I don't know about America but over here it's very verbal abuse and I'm surprised a student or two didn't kill themselves at the high school I went to. And if you fight back physically like every male should you get kicked out of school and lose your future. It's sickening.
And you say you have nothing to live for, that's bullshit. You can become the baddest and most respected kid in one day, just fight back.

I remember back in high school a couple years ago there was this one kid who kept pissing me off for weeks, and the only reason I didn't fuck his shit up was because I was scared of how my parents would react and that I'd get kicked out of school and ruin my future forever. Until one day this kid got to me so bad I walked up to him in the morning as we were lining up for class, started a scene by yelling at him to get everyone's attention then I punched him right in the mouth.
From that moment on for like 2 weeks EVERY kid was giving me props and walking up to me going "you did the right thing, that was sick, don't let him get to you", etc. All these random people I've never spoken to before who were outside my small circle of friends, it was surreal.
Unfortunately because of the area the school was in police were automatically involved and my parents were mad at me.

Also I'm really sorry about your mom, I've never lost anyone yet and can't begin to imagine what it's like. My grandad should have gone ages ago, yet he's still holding on but I haven't seen him for about 3 years. It's messed up.

-

Uh... promoting violence isn't against the rules, right? 8)

 

[Wicked702]

^^^What he said. I don't have many regrets, but man would I love to go back in time to my youth and knock some bully teeth in. I was always the nice, get along with everyone kid. Never stood up for myself. Biggest mistake. My parents would never had understood, but who cares. It would have been the right thing to do.

Don't kill them or maim them of course, just firmly put them in their place. I know it sounds counter-intuitive with our current societal standards, but sometimes our animal instincts need to be respected as well. Knock them off the pedestal.

 

[herbavore]

^ and ^^I remember when my little brother was getting bullied a lot and he finally came and made his case to my mom (with a friend to back him up LOL) for having one fight. It worked and they left him alone after that but these were very young kids. I raised two boys and I never allowed them to fight but as far as I know they never actually wanted to. I still believe that there are other ways to deal with bullies though.

Veneer, I can only imagine how painful it is for you to go through these feelings with an unresponsive Dad and so soon after the loss of your mom (two years is nothing; I know because I lost my son). I'm going to suggest two things--1) is to go to your school counselor and let them help you figure out some strategies to use with these kids and 2) accept that your Dad doesn't have a clue how to be emotionally available to you and seek another adult relationship elsewhere. Do you have grandparents that you are close to or aunts and uncles?

Going to talk to a counselor that specializes in working with teens might be really helpful. They can help you navigate things which are simply too overwhelming for you to do alone.

You are young and life has so much to offer down the road. You may feel like a failure now but that is only because you are so vulnerable due to circumstances and high school is notorious for emotional brutality. Believe me, we should all get medals of honor just for surviving it! I'm really sorry that life has dealt you such a major blow to deal with. I'm always available through PM. reach out any time you need to.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

So today, after missing a shot or 2 yesterday, I realized that I couldn't hit my usual vein and was just generally having trouble for a moment until, thank God, I finally found a good vein to hit. After that, I just became really depressed, I feel like a real piece of shit, begging God to let me get my shot... I started thinking about suicide again because, this may sound pathetic but I really have a tough time thinking about life without being able to shoot up, I almost question if life without shooting up is worth living. I know logically that it's not worth dying but it just is hard to imagine life without needles, I've tried to stop but always go back and that's just one more reason I just think about giving up. Thankfully, I have 2, great room mates that always are willing to talk if I'm upset, I'm still just a bit sad, I can't believe I've ruined so many veins in my arms and for what? An addiction that's killing me emotionally and physically. I really think I may start trying to quit shooting or at least lower my dose, I'd prefer to just quit but for me, "quitting" isn't always just that simple, I almost need to be forced, this time losing veins may be what it takes for me to stop because if I run out of veins, I refuse to use my neck veins and my groin. I think that I'm going to start making an effort to quit shooting sometime this month, I know I can't keep living like this for much longer...

I know how you feel.

Life is worth living without it. Trust me on that.

I went through a real nasty withdrawal and had to break the infatuation I had with shooting up

But today I am happier
As a result
And if I wasn't I wouldn't be here consoling you (well I would be, but it might not be as convincing)

 

[subutex_junkie]

^^^
Thanks for posting Caption H, it's encouraging to here that you're feeling happier now, I've never made it to other side to actually be happy again, that's awesome to know it may take a while but happiness will come back into my life again! Btw, congratulations on, what is it now, like 110 days or something of being sober from bupe? That's fucking awesome man! You owe yourself a "Good job done" pat on the back, seriously! IMHO, you quitting and staying bupe free is fucking amazing, I wish you the best of luck in staying sober!

 

[Papaverium]

I'm fucking done,
everything I do backfires.
Fuck it all. Why can't I just off myself already I'm sick of this shit!

I fucking try, and I try, and it blows up in my face and laughs, I'm not meant for his life here on Earth...
What's the point in doing anything if it will never work out?
I'm not learning anything from this life lesson, except for the fact that I can't do anything about it!
Someone cut the string I'm dangling from before I do it myself....

 

[Allein]

^^
Sounds like you're having a rough time

Clearly I don't have a clue about what challenges, disappointments and just general shit you've been facing.

Sometimes I genuinely think I'm having a run of bad luck, often when a few big things go wrong in a short space of time, other times it's truly a matter of my warped perspective, either situation doesn't make me feel good.

Most of the things I get upset about arent really important and they tend to distract me from looking after the things that are, and forgetting about my loved ones or how much I love to feel the breeze on my face on a warm day leads to dark places where dark thoughts live.

I hope you can find a way out of the darkness, I hope that for anyone who posts in this thread.

 

[Papaverium]

Most of the things I get upset about arent really important and they tend to distract me from looking after the things that are, and forgetting about my loved ones or how much I love to feel the breeze on my face on a warm day leads to dark places where dark thoughts live.

^ this precisely... Sometimes I gotta just take a step back and see how insignificant the issue I'm freaking out about is,.... but it's when all these little things build up, and it all piles on at once, I just snap and don't know what to do anymore. It's overwhelming.... You are right though, a bunch of bad things tend to just happen all at once, I've just gotta remember that's how it goes, and don't expect things to turn out as planned or well at all because that could just end up in disappointment and being lost on what to do next...

 

[Abject]

Altered stream on consciousness:
I am broken/fucked/ruined.
There's not enough/too much.
So much antagonism/dissonance.

Either/or.

I want to want.
I don't have it in me.

I want to die.

I'm so lonesome.

I'm so apathetic;
I care too much.

I'm so isolated.
I'm alone; I'm not alone. I'm stuck to this; I'm trapped; I'm bad boy bubby;
I'm outside.

Why can't I connect?
Why can't I let go?
Why am I like this?
Why doesn't anyone like me;
Why would anyone like me;
Why don't I like myself;
What is there to like?



Help is not in reach; not in my control.
So close; yet so far.
This is a tease. I see it. Clouded and hazy/sliding fresh steak across my clean glass cage.


I am bad boy bubby. It's unfair of me to ask for an angel. (religion is shit, god is love)

I am so ugly.
(My) Parrhesia is so ugly.

Why am I like this?
I have no evil mother;
I have a loving mother.
I am the evil.
I only mean good; How can I be the evil?
I don't want to be the evil; How am I the evil?


Work is bad. My boss is making me stressed/rushed/not fucking smooth.

I am heavy handed, heavy hearted, and hard/soft.. but mostly lonely..



Why am i so afraid of reality/pain/obligation

why am i afraid at all

 

[herbavore]

^In the heart of the stream, one beautiful pebble worth picking up, worth holding to the light: "Why can't I connect? Why can't I let go?"

I'm going to PM you with the rest of my thoughts.

 

[Spindash]

As a newbie can I just say I'm glad there is a community here with such big hearts. ♥ Makes me feel a little less… trepidatious after joining a new website (after lurking for a while) as I am extremely sensitive to criticism. I'll be sure to vent here in the future, luckily today I'm feeling well.

~kAnDy!

 

[severely etarded]

/\ welcome to BL Kandy

I will admit that Ive seriously contemplated suicide over spending almost a half a year in 2 different really ruff jails and prisions. What really helps me is to think of the "big picture" I try to compare my whole life's span to what it would be like to spend half a year in some nasty prisions/jails(whatever the fuck they put me in)…. and half a year is NOTHING compared to 70-80+ years, so everything under the sun that can/may/might/and WILL be will be simply thrown away, all that potentially GOOD life just thrown away and reduced to a oxygen deprived head on a snapped neck suspended on a rope or bloody piece of skin just dribbling on what's left on a once perfectly nice working head pardoned by some heavy lead. Suicide is definitely the quickest and cheapest way out, but it also STOMPS the good time that you WILL have later on in life. and as someone on the brink of sealing their own fate I'm sure you know that the good times is what you pretty much fucking LIVE for. Think of the little child you once used to be, all the wonder excitement and innocence-ness that you once had….when you kill yourself as a adult thats exactly what your wasting away. that inner little kid with all the innocence-ness….it may be deeply repressed within you but its there(just eat some mushrooms and you will meet that side of you) and when you pull that trigger/jump off with that noose that EXACTLY what your killing, not ONLY the bad parts of you that has all those problems but ALL your potential. Past the bad time you're having you are throwing away all the good things you will have the chance to have done and all the good things other will have a chance to do to you. who the fuck knows if in a few years things will have done a 180 for you. I MANY homeless ppl that stuck around for long enough and did things right enough that karma or whatever has worked out extremely well for them and they couldn't be happier. So if you're at your last corner, just step back, hang in there and ruff it out. things WILL get better, it can take months…shit, years but things WILL get better and a few shitty years isn't worth the rest of your life so don't do it. just going out on a limb here cuz if you're really about doing what you're doing you probably wouldn't be on blue light reading up on it, regardless i hope i help somebody!

wise words my friend. Life is short enough anyway and even if it feels like we're already trapped in prison, we're either going to eventually die there or get out.

 

[Oxy_Ghost]

All I wanna do is crawl in a hole and fucking die. It would be sooo much better than living this shitty life and all it's douche bag ppl

 

[plmar]

All I wanna do is crawl in a hole and fucking die. It would be sooo much better than living this shitty life and all it's douche bag ppl

this

I hate myself and the mistakes I make more than anything. I am a complete fuck up and there's no changing that, no point to this life at all.

Living with crippling depression is living in hell. I want to change something, be someone, do something big, but I always end up at the start. I can't even be bothered keeping myself hydrated, clean, or fed anymore. Just want to sleep and never wake up.

Really hope I completely lose my mind and end up hospitalized after doing some crazy shit. At least that may perhaps bring me some amusement. Fuck the norm and fuck the 7 billion of us on this floating ball of fuck.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I am sending everybody here a lot of

 

[JOLM]

this

I hate myself and the mistakes I make more than anything. I am a complete fuck up and there's no changing that, no point to this life at all.

Living with crippling depression is living in hell. I want to change something, be someone, do something big, but I always end up at the start. I can't even be bothered keeping myself hydrated, clean, or fed anymore. Just want to sleep and never wake up.

Really hope I completely lose my mind and end up hospitalized after doing some crazy shit. At least that may perhaps bring me some amusement. Fuck the norm and fuck the 7 billion of us on this floating ball of fuck.

Obviously our situations are different, but I've spent my entire adult life depressed. Failed at suicide multiple times, still wake up most days wishing I hadn't woken up at all.

Every time I woke up in a hospital I was mad that I failed.

Thing is, there's some things that can be done. That and your experience could help someone else. Shit, just reading your response helps me to know I'm not as fuckin alone as I often think.

For me, it's really just trying to let the shit I've always stomped down with booze and drugs out.

I remember the first time I cried after detox was fucking glorious.

I go to counseling, I don't take anti depressants. That's just me. Every bodies different.

Stay strong. I've read bl for a long time, just joined as I'm trying to clean my shit up (not easy) after another failed suicide attempt a couple weeks back.

If you need somebody to vent to or just let it all fuckin out (sometimes the best shit) pm me.

 

[badfish45]

Life was going well. Really well actually. I was on a roll but today I feel like my grief has ripped through every defense I had and I feel helpless again. I feel my brain not functioning properly, despite my good nutrition and exercise and my moderated drug use. I got into a fight with my friend and I feel really bad about myself and the way my life socially works. I just feel unhappy and Im tired of people telling me it's wrong to feel this way. Everything I've been told is a contradiction and my mind is on overload and I feel so weak and helpless. I almost feel sick and I have so much work to do today. I really want to give up. It's not its worst but the idea of suicide sounds somewhat appealing to me right now.

Sometimes consciousness is too much.