Seriously, my life sucks? I am ruined. I really don't want to live anymore...
It's not like I am going to off myself today but I feel like I am almost ready to. Me? What's wrong? I grew up in a middle class home but was spoiled by my mother who raised me as a single parent. I had the best of everything....well, almost! I began well. Top of my class. I am tall, I was VERY good-looking, well-educated and well-spoken. I graduated high school, moved out, bought a condo with a girl, worked 2 jobs and went to school full time(community college). The girl left, I started selling and doing coke and crank and weed. I had never gotten drunk, smoked a cigarette or gotten high before. I made a conscious choice to start using. I made great deal of money and wasted it all. Within 6 months, I had an ounce a day to the nose habit. I called my mom, went to rehab and then ended up going to an ivy league college on a full ride.
I graduated and went out into the abysmal world of post-do-com. I soon started doing ebay and amazon for a living and made a bunch of money anyway. I used it all on drugs and partying and I can't remember every having any real money even though I had a store and two employees of my own. I knocked up one of my employees and decided to go get a high-paying union job with good benefits. The mother of my child dumped me. I still went and got a captain's license in just a few years. Worked on boats as was always my dream and became quite good at it.
I hated not living in California and I missed my kid so I moved back. I applied for my well-deserved officer's license and the coast guard took away all my paperwork that allowed me to work as a merchant marine because I had a dope misdemeanor. I owed $80,000 still on the tuition from the school I had just attended to get the officer's license. I didn't lie to anyone, I had been relatively sober for a long time.
Anyway, I gave up at that point. I started using IV drugs for the first time. I got back together with the mother of my child and took it to a whole new level. I started robbing people....I stole a lot of stuff. I still had standards and still do. I am no longer with the mother of my child and, just a few weeks ago ripped off an iphone from one of his friends from 2nd grade's neighbors.
I wish I was dead. I know my son will be better off without me. I am a piece of shit. I really am though. I'm not the worst guy in the world but I'm not a good one. I have lost everything but my mother. Nearly my entire close family is dead... I'm not going to kill myself until my mom dies but when she does, I am gone! I can't stand my life. I don't like hurting people. I don't like being poor. I LOATHE the person that I have become.
Seriously, why not kill myself? I am miserable. I cannot get a decent job because now I have many felonies on my record not a misdemeanor. I'm done.....I never had a chance. Sorry to put this all on whomever happens across it. I can't say my life would have been better without drugs but I'm pretty sure it would have been. If there was a way to dig myself out and I could do it, I would. I mean, I would do anything including commit murder or allowing myself to be raped in order to have had a chance but time has run out....
I am no longer beautiful. I am no longer innocent. I have hurt so many people and brought so many people down. I HAVE NO HOPE! And, there is no reason to hope. So, if I am not going to get better and I know it. If I am not going to stop hurting people and I know it. If I no longer care very much and certainly not enough to make any more drastic changes then why don't I just kill myself?
Thanks, that helped a little but not much...
to everyone
tryin to stay cheered up but too much shit bringing me down