I finally found the right topic for my rant, its probably going to be a rather long story and I keep deleting parts and starting over so I might still not be content with it all; as there's a lot of aspects to this story but I'll try. I'll try and sum it up in short fast; the combination of LSD and nitrous oxide was typically my 'best drug experience', but a few months ago it nearly completely stopped being fun. I get a repetative repeated very, véry nasty mindfuck where I feel something is extremely wrong; as in, wrong like dead things are. Like when you're holding something thats dead you féél its dead; its the same very strong piercing negative feeling that somethings horribly wrong. Just wrong; too wrong. While before almost all my nitrous experiences were interesting, euphoric, deep, insane, dissociatieve and just plain lovely recently these 'horrible-wrong-death-like' mindfucks are probably 70-80% of all my nitrous experiences. I just can't enjoy it anymore. Here comes all the detail:
I'll mention how it all started in the rightchronology; about a year and a half ago I discovered how fun nitrous oxide is; I was already doing LSD monthly for a two years so it took no more then a short amount of weeks to discover the combination between the two; after that moment I actually haven't gone a trip withóut doing nitrous anymore. I'll mention total usage amounts end details like that too: I've done LSD a total of 31 times; 17 times without nitrous oxide and the most recent 14 times all with. Nitrous oxide I must've done atleast 1000 balloons; easily. Spaced appart by weeks of none ofcourse.
I by the have nó physical problems with nitrous; I take enough vitamin b12, especially before and after nitrous binges and I often leave atleast 2-3 weeks in between these nitrous binges. I'm extra careful with oxygen; every full breathe of nitrous I take one of normal air too, I think all of that made me get away with it.
Either way, it used to be great; it was great. I did occasionally have a darker edge though; the nitrous moments. (as my LSD trips on themselves have all been wonderful intense euphoric strong very sual beautiful glowing experiences) I explained it during the summer solstice party I was at as 'its like you put out your soul to be violently raped, and then when its gone you want to do it again'. My friends agreed; its very deep, this nitrous. Unlinear though, but deep. Well, even then most of the experiences were just perfect; a lot of fun, there did seem to exist a slight duality occasionally, where it was extremely euphoric but also had something dark and bitter to it; all trips continued on in their fun and unique way until the day we finally realised 'hm maybe we should close our eyes and see what it does to our closed eye visuals'. Well; HOLY SHIT! We were so overwhelmed we were both enthausiastically yelling at eachother about it. I got to look behind the visuals, and all of it was everything. Incredible. Strangely though, that day marked the end of the good nitrous moments. After that perfect moment I tried it again and it just wouldn't work; it was grainy, unpleasant and it was often ripped apart and it'd feel as if I was too. I've had a few bad nitrous moments before; often caused by the setting that weren't nice either but nothing came close to the mindfucks I started having in the nitrous moment the trip after the perfect moment.
I'd get the intense feeling something was horribly wrong; especially with my eyes closed and I'd háve to open them. Often wrong like feeling something in the room had just died without thinking it. It isn't thought; its a feeling, but its the same feeling that you get when you maybe see a dead kitten being born and even though the mother is licking it it gives off that unsettling vibe thats its dead, just completely dead. Well there comes the most logical source of this nonesense with the death mindfucks; only it came a few months late. This summer I had a litter of kittens; and 5 of them died within 13 days. I felt the last one die on my chest; litteraly. She was cold and breathing irregular (she was already very ill) and I had her in my robe on my arm to my heart/chest area, and then she suddently turned spastic, grasped for air the very last time and died right on my chest; I felt the life leaving her. That was one creepy fucking experience, and when thinking of it, it wasn't even the worst part of those 13 days; we had to tube feed the dying kittens because they wouldn't drink and we pulled out the tube and it was covered in blood and they'd start foaming milk out of their nose and die, my mum hugged a dead kitten while crying for 15 minutes.. they truly were two weeks of hell.
Either way; I thought I had dealt with it pretty well; as all my trips since then have been lovely. On the first one after it all happened I saw the then 3.5 week old only surviver take her FIRST steps ever! What a joy that was. It took 3 more fun trips with good nitrous moments for them too turn bad, actually after the moment it had been perfect. Well; besides the rotten 'something dead-like wrong feeling' I've had the one thing that caused a change in me:
New years eve. We took 300 ug (lab tested; it really was 300 ug, and yes thats really a lot) of LSD 10 minutes before midnight. We already started tripping even before 12 a clock; the come-up was insanely fast but kept building up for 3 more hours. I noticed, due to some stress over how the rest of the night would be that my heart was beating fast, and it annoyed me. Nothing bad, great visuals, a lot of euphoria but my heart felt mildly unpleasant so I figured I'd distract from that with nitrous. Thats when I found out when my trip is strong enough that the LSD seriously overpowers the nitrous.. its still fun! Either way; during that early peak I had my best nitrous moment ever. The most violently dark one yet, but it was beautiful. I'm a nihilist and I often tend to struggle with keeping my own subjectiveness, and that moment was a pure anti-me statement. I can't explain it much, but it were blades of steel; and they cut through eyes. And it said something; but I don't know what; I'm not sure the words even exited, but those eyes were just pulverized; and my vision is my everything; so yeah that was a pure anti-me statement. I loved it, I had just said 'fuck you' to myself and I felt great I could do that and feel so great about it. When the trip lost its over-poweredness and the highest peak was gone the nitruos started being more odd, cutting up reality and shifting the layers around and later even making everyone look dead like they were hung/cruzified; slightly shocking but I could live with it. Since that night, but thats probably also due to the 300 ug of LSD; since that night things aren't as extreme as they used to be. I don't consider anything extreme anymore. Now I already didn't find many things extreme; but since that night of new years eve I've finally truly embraced this relative subjective reality. And that feels great. But I hate the fact nitrous isn't fun anymore.
Personally I could go back to doing just LSD trips (or maybe some ketamine with it in the comedown; ketamine has never let me down in fun-ness, but I don't do it nearly as often as I did nitrous; not even monthly), so yeah its not a big deal; my LSD trips are still wonderful, in fact, they seem to have gotten only better. My last one, on 200 ug, was probably the most comfortable pleasant trip I ever had; and considering i had a terrible cold at the time that only prooves more how overly comfortable that trip was; so I could go back to just cutting out the nitrous as its just confusing and mindfucking where it used to be pure and fun; innocent and its lost that for me.
The problem there is, my friends all see the LSD + nitrous combination as 'the best part of the trip'; something I didn't even share when I still loved the stuff; and a few of them actually have NOT done LSD without doing nitrous during the trip. I know every trip will still be them asking for it (I have the whipped-cream-maker; none of them have one, and I'm glad they don't or they'd be doing it the whole time probably) and I KNOW when I see them doing it, I'll want to do it too, even if it isn't fun anymore.
Actually, I wouldl ike to make it fun again; so I'm now considering not cutting the nitrous out but severly cutting back on it in my trips; doing half my trips without it. That might help, maybe it was just too much and the nitrous trying to tell me that; either that or I messed it up somehow.
Second actually, does anyone have advice how to make nitrous fun again? Maybe a fun setting I could try etc.?
