Permanent damage or all in my head?

[Jiraiya]

Hey guys.

About three months ago I went to a party. I did some lines of MDMA/whatever else was in it (about 1/3 of a cap), 1/4 tab of LSD, about half a bottle of whisky and some beers. Also smoked a bit of weed. Pretty much everyone at the party was on this shit and dropped alot more acid that I did. No one had any sort of negative side effects. At the time I was loving it and had a great night.

About four days later I was at work and BAM, I feel into a pit of crippling anxiety. It felt like all of my positive energy had been drained, and was replaced with fear and major depression. I had some pretty chronic mood swings over the next few days. I was completely bewildered and had no idea what the fuck was happening to me. I had crying spells, suicidal thoughts, heightened emotions, extreme stress, obsessive thinking, unreality etc. At times I would feel no emotion at all. I definitely thought that suicide was my only option. It really sucked balls.

This was ongoing for the next month. Over time I went back to work which took so much courage. I started to socialize and get involved with my creative side again. I played some pretty massive shows with my band, opening for international metal/hardcore acts which was unreal. Three months in, and I have really improved. I am not suicidal anymore, and my interest in other things are returning. But i'm still struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. My thoughts seem to be messed up too. I'll think of something that would have usually made me happy, but instead i'll get a negative reaction.

I am aware that what I consumed probably wasn't alot. But man it's been totally been playing with my head 'what if i've caused permanent damage' 'what if I now have bipolar disorder' 'what if the lsd rewired my brain the wrong way' etc etc. So that's what brought me back here. I actually posted something a few months ago but then deleted the thread.

Any replies would be really appreciated. But please nothing along the lines of 'you should have tested it' 'MDMA is not for you' etc, these are lessons I have learned whilst travelling this dark road

 

[Jiraiya]

Just for the record as well I do have a history with anxiety. Nothing that was as severe as what I have now though. I've used MDMA about 10 times in the past too (over the space of a year and a half, never consuming more than one pill/cap a night), and i've used LSD about 5 times (over the period of 5 years). I've have had much larger doses of both these drugs, and came out unscathed.

 

[laugh]

I recovered and I'm confident you will too. There are many successful recovery tales here on bluelight and I look forward to reading yours. Try to stay positive!

 

[Jiraiya]

Thanks, I really hope I do! I've have read some very inspirational stories on here.

 

[laugh]

Don't let the haters and the 'fearful' bring you down.

 

[Jiraiya]

I try not to, i've read some pretty scary shit though. My symptoms were so severe in the beginning and they just linger on and on.

 

[laugh]

time is your friend, friend. three months isnt much time in the grand scheme of things. keep looking after yourself in the obvious ways, and stick with it, another 3 - 6 months and im confident your improvements will continue.

thinking negatively and worrying will only compound the issue.

 

[Dawglaw]

Laugh is right. It's not all in your head but it is definitely not permanent. Stay positive there are many people who have been through what you are experiencing. ED is a great resource. Stick around and help others who are also currently suffering. I felt that sharing my experience and talking with other people who were suffering with me made it much easier to get through my unfortunate experience.

You will be back to normal in a few months.

 

[Jiraiya]

Thanks for the positive reinforcement guys. It's weird though, I consumed so little. It was literally a small thin line, followed by a tiny bump. It should have been well out of my system before the symptoms appeared. I've never abused MDMA either, which is why I keep thinking it must be in my head.

 

[laugh]

could it be something totally unrelated? environmental factors, stresses, etc.

 

[Jiraiya]

I've always had anxiety and I have been obsessing over this, so maybe it's that. I don't really know tbh. It's gonna take time though i've accepted that.

 

[gussiie]

I am not suicidal anymore, and my interest in other things are returning. But i'm still struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. My thoughts seem to be messed up too. I'll think of something that would have usually made me happy, but instead i'll get a negative reaction.

Hi there, do you still smoke marijuana? Sometimes that can be the issue. I usually find that can be a problem. Sometimes you must look at the paradox of things like depression and anxiety. It can be a sub conscious change in your life, maybe something is missing or something you want subconsciously to be done. If you still suffer from depression / anxiety and its really bothering you, go see a hypnotherapist (there f***ing good)

 

[sogabe9]

hi Jiraiya, are you Japanese btw? nice name.. (I'm a Jap)

Speaking from my experience, of frequently doing all sorts of stuff..I can tell you with assurance that it takes a whole load of TIME for your mood, anxiety, all that to stabilize, but it's all not permanent.
I actually always been a slightly anxious person too to begin with, so pills definitely got me anxious for pretty long time..in course of my no more drug journey, I realized no matter how little I consumed per occurrence, my anxiety would last almost 2months.
Try 5-HTP, it's sold over the counter and it's a magic..all my hardcore friends utilizes them, but ofcourse your best bet is to just lay it off.

It's totally normal that everyone gets anxious over this.. just look in this forum and see how many similar threads are all over..
and yeah as gussiie says, lot of people don't even bother to mention their use of marijuana.. if you do smoke them, that triggers anxiety too..or any other substance you're doing may be it..so if you want it to stop, lay it all off for a few months and you will see it go away.

 

[Jiraiya]

Hi there, do you still smoke marijuana? Sometimes that can be the issue. I usually find that can be a problem. Sometimes you must look at the paradox of things like depression and anxiety. It can be a sub conscious change in your life, maybe something is missing or something you want subconsciously to be done. If you still suffer from depression / anxiety and its really bothering you, go see a hypnotherapist (there f***ing good)

Hey dude, nah i've been laying off all drugs with alcohol as an exception. I think alot of it is coming from my subconcious mind. I've been anxiously brooding alot over it with all of the what if thoughts. I've been helping myself out with the anxiety side of things though and am beginning to see some improvements. The depression is no where near severe as it was either. I don't plan to use MDMA again in the future, I think i've been scared off a bit! Maybe I will look into hypnotherapy. I've done a bit of mindfulness meditation which has really helped with all of the dark thoughts.

hi Jiraiya, are you Japanese btw? nice name.. (I'm a Jap)

Nah dude, just a massive Naruto fan haha. My real name is Chris.

Speaking from my experience, of frequently doing all sorts of stuff..I can tell you with assurance that it takes a whole load of TIME for your mood, anxiety, all that to stabilize, but it's all not permanent.
I actually always been a slightly anxious person too to begin with, so pills definitely got me anxious for pretty long time..in course of my no more drug journey, I realized no matter how little I consumed per occurrence, my anxiety would last almost 2months.
Try 5-HTP, it's sold over the counter and it's a magic..all my hardcore friends utilizes them, but ofcourse your best bet is to just lay it off.

It's totally normal that everyone gets anxious over this.. just look in this forum and see how many similar threads are all over..
and yeah as gussiie says, lot of people don't even bother to mention their use of marijuana.. if you do smoke them, that triggers anxiety too..or any other substance you're doing may be it..so if you want it to stop, lay it all off for a few months and you will see it go away.

Thanks for the advice dude. I'm seeing a Naturopath at the moment and she is looking at getting me on a 5htp supplement. I find the anxiety and depression come in bouts. When i'm doing stuff with my band or when i'm out partying (not on MDMA haha) I don't notice it at all. I actually went out drinking on Saturday night and had an epic night, didn't notice any anxiety and spent most of the night flirting with a really cute girl, that was more important to me than anxiety haha. I've had a good read through ED, and one story that really touched me was the 22 month recovery thread on here, really gave me alot of hope!

 

[F1n1shed]

Usually with MDMA unless you are doing it daily, it is only long term effects / damage. In your case, you hardly touched it so this is just a little imbalance of serotonin / dopamine. I'm surprised you still notice stuff 3 months in. But you should be good in no time, just ignore it as worrying will do nothing for the cause. Also Exercising really helps with controlling the anxiety ,and generally puts you in a good mood.

 

[questforstarfish]

Hey buddy, it seems to me that that amount of LSD and that amount of ecstasy are both below the necessary dose to even reach the threshold and cause any effect. Especially if you had been drinking, which can further numb the effects. Did you feel the effects of the LSD or ecstasy that night?

Based on the information here (which of course is not enough for me to make any grand assumptions, since I don't know you personally or your experiences in great depth), what I'm getting is that you feel a huge anxiety about doing the drugs that night, even days later. I would be incredibly shocked if 1/3 of a pill could cause any kind of damage to you, unless it contained some unheard-of toxin (which is doubtful but I suppose not impossible). If you're having difficulty dealing with the anxiety about it, or your anxiety in general, I would try to find some kind of counselor or therapist. It sounds like you've improved a lot which is awesome, but it always helps to have someone to talk it out with In my opinion, which of course is only an opinion based on a few years of experience with the drug, it seems unlikely that a below-threshold dose would cause your symptoms on a chemical level past the first day- neurotransmitters like serotonin replenish within a week. If you have a history with anxiety, this may have been a random -albeit terrifying and serious- attack, or something brought on by preoccupation with the night that had occurred, or by other things happening in your life around that time.

Basically it's impossible to know, as I'm sure you already understand! I would certainly not worry about any long-term physical damage from the MDMA or the acid. Acid can NOT re-wire your brain, although with frequent use in larger quantities it can cause long-term changes in perception and possibly bring out anxiety, and you have NOT caused permanent brain damage, I promise you! Do what you can to stay healthy and try to hook up with a therapist if you feel that will be helpful in managing your thoughts, and you'll be just fine

 

[futura2012]

I am aware that what I consumed probably wasn't alot. But man it's been totally been playing with my head 'what if i've caused permanent damage' 'what if I now have bipolar disorder' 'what if the lsd rewired my brain the wrong way' etc etc. So that's what brought me back here. I actually posted something a few months ago but then deleted the thread.

From hanging out here for quite a while the actual cause of a drug triggered anxiety episode can often varie quite a bit. This may be mamouth doses of MDMA, coctails of RCs and MDMA or related drugs, mixtures of alcohol etc etc.

The point is you seem to have triggered some kind of anxious episode. Unfortunately this manifests itself into this awful cycle of negative thoughts that seem to spiral further and further out of control to the point of symptoms such as panic attacks, DP/DR, paranoia, insomnia to name a few.

A classic symptom is trawling the internet for some kind of solution / self diagnostic what damage have I done? why do I feel so strange? is this permanent? has anyone else had this? etc etc.

The reality of the story is all the symptoms are anxiety fueled.

Ever been in a car accident? If you have you may recall slow motion, distorted voices, blurred vision, hallucinations, balance disorientation, extreme panic etc. The point here is there were no drugs involved but once the brain gets into one of these extreme states all hell can break lose.

A drug induced anxiety in many ways is similiar you have triggered your brain into a total sense of panic and the symptoms you feel are a result of this. NOT! drug damage, OD damage, drug coctail damage etc.

Recovery is a guarantee. The time it will take is uncertain.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

YOu seem like a paranoid person so its probably all in your head and your doing it to yourself causing these feelings of anxiety to manifest. i say you seem peranoid because you took 1/4 tab of acid and 1/3 cap of mdxx.....most kids just pop drugs as dosed by the dealer/manufacturer for them, ie the whole pill or whole tab. that sort of caution is a great thing to have....but not when you start to worry yourself sick

 

[Jiraiya]

Usually with MDMA unless you are doing it daily, it is only long term effects / damage. In your case, you hardly touched it so this is just a little imbalance of serotonin / dopamine. I'm surprised you still notice stuff 3 months in. But you should be good in no time, just ignore it as worrying will do nothing for the cause. Also Exercising really helps with controlling the anxiety ,and generally puts you in a good mood.

That's reassuring man. I have started to eat healthy and exercise which really does help. And yeah 3 months in it's still here but nowhere near as intense, I think at this point it must be my thoughts.

Hey buddy, it seems to me that that amount of LSD and that amount of ecstasy are both below the necessary dose to even reach the threshold and cause any effect. Especially if you had been drinking, which can further numb the effects. Did you feel the effects of the LSD or ecstasy that night?

I'd say the alcohol definitely numbed the effects as I was quite intoxicated/stoned. When I have taken MDMA/ecstasy in the past I would always get a real stimulating rush of happiness/energy but I didn't get that at all this time. It had more of a subtle affect, as did the LSD. Quarter tabs never really do a lot for me anyway, i've taken much higher does in the past. I only worried because I mixed it with the MDMA.

If you have a history with anxiety, this may have been a random -albeit terrifying and serious- attack, or something brought on by preoccupation with the night that had occurred, or by other things happening in your life around that time

Yeah there were definitely a few things fucking with my head at the time. I'd say that definitely contributed.

 

[Jiraiya]

From hanging out here for quite a while the actual cause of a drug triggered anxiety episode can often varie quite a bit. This may be mamouth doses of MDMA, coctails of RCs and MDMA or related drugs, mixtures of alcohol etc etc.

The point is you seem to have triggered some kind of anxious episode. Unfortunately this manifests itself into this awful cycle of negative thoughts that seem to spiral further and further out of control to the point of symptoms such as panic attacks, DP/DR, paranoia, insomnia to name a few.

A classic symptom is trawling the internet for some kind of solution / self diagnostic what damage have I done? why do I feel so strange? is this permanent? has anyone else had this? etc etc.

The reality of the story is all the symptoms are anxiety fueled.

Ever been in a car accident? If you have you may recall slow motion, distorted voices, blurred vision, hallucinations, balance disorientation, extreme panic etc. The point here is there were no drugs involved but once the brain gets into one of these extreme states all hell can break lose.

A drug induced anxiety in many ways is similiar you have triggered your brain into a total sense of panic and the symptoms you feel are a result of this. NOT! drug damage, OD damage, drug coctail damage etc.

Recovery is a guarantee. The time it will take is uncertain.

I can totally relate to what you're saying man. My thoughts have been out of control, and ideas that I have 'fucked myself up'. They used to be with me 24/7, although I have seen alot of improvement in the last month which is such a relief. And yeah I have endlessly researched the topic, hoping to find some answers. I'm pretty reassured that anxiety is what I am experiencing, although i'm quite suggestable at times. I have been told that MDMA can fuck with your dopamine levels permanently, but i'm pretty sure that's only if you abuse it?

Btw i've read your recovery story dude, so inspirational!