Permanent damage or all in my head?

[Jiraiya]

YOu seem like a paranoid person so its probably all in your head and your doing it to yourself causing these feelings of anxiety to manifest. i say you seem peranoid because you took 1/4 tab of acid and 1/3 cap of mdxx.....most kids just pop drugs as dosed by the dealer/manufacturer for them, ie the whole pill or whole tab. that sort of caution is a great thing to have....but not when you start to worry yourself sick

Yes, i've always been a paranoid person. I'm glad I am to a certain extent. But yeah at the same time it can be self destructive. Thanks for the reply dude!

 

[Jiraiya]

Hey guys, there's a few things that have been playing on my mind so thought I would explain my situation in greater depth.

Firstly: I'm worried that I was binge drinking heavily whilst consuming the drugs. My mate reassures me I did 1/3 cap, just under half at the most. And a quarter of LSD tab, although I remember it maybe being 1/3 of a tab. Who knows, my memory is terrible as I was intoxicated.

Secondly: I have pretty much been taking MDMA on average once a month this whole year (sometimes longer, sometimes less), and about 4-6 times through out last year. Never tested the gear. Although when I did out I would usually only take half a pill, but on a few occasions would take a whole pill (i've never taken more). I was also binge drinking whilst doing this, although never had any negative effects afterwards. Although there was one particualr weekend last year I rolled two nights in a roll, and had a really bad reaction the second night, with a week long comedown/anxiety/depression. After I saw the doctor a week later, she reassured me I would be fine, and the chronic anxiety/depression subsided rather quickly.

Thirdly: I smoke cigarettes, and I still party most weekends (alcohol only). I find that I can still enjoy partying while having quite a few brews (usually averaging around 10-12 drinks). I'm worried this might be fucking with me and might prevent recovery? (anxiety over it perhaps?)

And lastly: My suffering in the beginning was so brutal. I felt nothing in me, but chronic fear and depression. Negative emotions were grossly amplified as well. although during this period I would still experience moments or glimpses of peace. But all in all I was pretty keen on not living and had no fear of death as a result. I'm so much better than how I was, although my thoughts and emotions are sometimes inconsistent. I can think of something great in my life, only to get a negative/fearful/depressive reaction. It's like anything is a trigger. Is this a common experience?

I think after this i'll be taking a long break from google and bluelight, but will swing in from time to time to try offer advice and keep you guys updated on how I am going. But yeah, as always your replies are greatly appreciated

 

[pmz]

I can totally relate. The most annoying thing is the dysphoria i experience in daily life, insomnia, that an a lot of fatigue and my head feels slow. Its been getting better over the last 6 months Ive been experiencing this. Scary yes. Ive learned to accept it.

The annoying thing is my anxiety is pretty much non-existent, I was hopping the symptoms would go away when the anxiety went away, but it hasnt. I just want to enjoy music as much as I used to. It sounds so flat to me. I struggle with this the most. Music was my go to feel good drug, I dont even have that now

Im dying to get my happiness back about life as well. Im just being patient.

 

[Jiraiya]

Wow dude sorry to hear. How often were you rolling? Is this something you constantly worry about? Because worry generally robs you of your emotions, and anxiety has alot of different ways of presenting itself (I know you said the anxiety has subsided but has it really?). Apathy can actually be another symptom of anxiety, i've seen it happen to people who haven't used MDMA ever. Either way dude i'm sure you will be fine. I still get anxiety over it. Whenever someone even mentions MDMA now my stomach sinks. Although I don't really get the constant fatigue or insomnia (I sleep like a rock). And haven't noticed any change in my memory.

I keep worrying that my use over time was excessive, and with a combo of booze and acid I keep thinking it's damaged me. But I don't even know anymore.

 

[pmz]

Ive used a big excessively. I'm hoping it will go away in another few months

 

[Jiraiya]

Yeah man it's bound to. That shit can't last forever. I've improved greatly in three months. Seriously I was totally fucked up, every morning I woke up full of so much fear and felt like an empty shell. I thought my life was over, it was horrific. I don't get that anymore, I get mild anxiety (not panic attacks, just lingering anxiety/worry).

 

[jethro1000]

Did you have panic attacks on your first month?

 

[Jiraiya]

Hey dude, yeah I had panic attacks. They were crippling to say the least. I would get thoughts through my head like 'i'm going crazy' or 'i'm developing schizophrenia' and my thoughts would echo though my head. It was fucked up. Accompanying this was a tidal wave of fear, depression, it was just unbearable. I wanted to die it was that bad. The reason why I remember this is because all of the above is happening to me right now. I haven't felt this bad in 3 months. And I feel a bit stupid, because I went to a mates bbq tonight and decided to smoke weed. HORRIBLE IDEA. I wanted to combat the thing head on, because I have a 'fear of drugs' so to speak. Now i'm trembeling in agonizing fear, feeling like i'm losing my mind. It's so fucked up.

I guess the above kinda outlines how this really is all in my head though. Because as soon as I took that puff I thought 'fuck bad idea, i'm going to lose it now', then I entered a state of extreme panic and it makes me realize that this is how I felt 5 days after I took mdma. So I guess the bottom line is I have anxiety disorder.

Please anyone, give me some feed back on this. Is this a common experience? (And yeah, I feel like a complete idiot for smoking weed)

 

[jethro1000]

I had panic attacks for the first week. Now im dealing with anxiety and some tension on my neck. Dude stop taking drugs etc.
After a month i have good days and bad days. And im very prone to anxiety.

 

[Jiraiya]

That was the first drug i've taken in 3 months. Even though it was cannabis, worst idea ever. Fuck. Trust me when I say that I feel like a complete idiot.

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

Man stay away from the herb, and all drugs forever I'd say except alcohol is probably ok. It's not a big deal man, if anything you're missing out by taking them it seems. Don't feel like an idiot though - it's really easy to get high, and even easier to forget about a bad comedown that started months ago in the spur of the moment.

Your story is encouraging me to keep at my total abstinence, although I stopped taking hard drugs years ago. I smoked 450 grams of weed this year though, and even at day 20 my life is one extreme panic attack when I'm sober and I feel like I am about to die unless I am drunk or on anti-psychotics. This was simply not the case a year ago, when I was less addicted to weed and not smoking it like a crackhead day and night. I used to be able to live life sober without any problems, and it was so enjoyable. It takes a lot of time to recover from this sort of thing, but we can't keep time from passing. Every day the wall between yourself and that experience will build stronger.

 

[Jiraiya]

Yeah, it just seemed so natural to take a few drags as it was passed to me. Well I feel like a right knob now, I guess I should just take it as a learning curve. The panic/anxiety has passed now, i'm just feeling extremely drained. I think I spend too much time reading on the subject that I have a slight obsession. I guess the best thing to do is just say fuck it

 

[hoe]

I understand exactly what OP is going through! I haven't rolled since 2000, and I STILL have major anxiety issues (I was diagnosed with Panic disorder with agoraphobia about a year after I ceased using). I too had some anxiety issues before my MDMA use, but I noticed it getting gradually worse as my drug use continued. Fast forward a couple years and I was a total mess. I would be woken up nightly by panic attacks, I was in a constant state of depression and I totally closed myself off from any social activities as anytime I would even attempt to leave the house I would have panic attacks to the point I was experiencing depersonalization. I quit my job, lost A LOT of friends, and I alienated my family. My relationship suffered greatly too as my partner continued doing drugs and just didn't understand why I had issues and he did not.

I stopped all drugs except for weed, started doing CBT, tried about every SSRI/SNRI you could think of and nothing helped; I only seemed to get worse. Benzos were the only thing that did help, but we all know where that leads! So here it is, over 13 years later, and I still have horrible anxiety. I talk with quite a few people from our crew from back then and the "funny" thing is, they ALL have anxiety issues of some type now. Some are very minor (mostly the people who had no history of anxiety or mental problems before use) where I and a few others seem to be totally consumed with anxiety issues. Do I think MDMA caused these anxiety issues for me? No, I do not, but I do think it made my anxiety worse, maybe triggering underlying conditions I had that had been suppressed from my drug use (self medication). I really didn't realize how bad my anxiety disorder was until I stopped doing MDMA. While on it, I felt amazing, it was always the comedown, which would make me want to do more so I wouldn't feel that way, it was just a vicious cycle that didn't end until I did a bad combo at a party one night and well that's a LONG story but it made me realize what all these drugs were doing to me and how I was actually just medicating myself, trying to escape the constant misery that I was feeling. I think most of us do drugs for a reason, there is an underlying issue (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc) that causes us to seek out an escape from the reality of our condition and/or problems. While sober, those problems come back, usually tenfold, and that's when recreation turns to abuse. And then you have a whole other set of problems to deal with.

I guess my advice would be is to firstly, realize that your drug fueled partying days are now over. You have already convinced yourself that drugs is causing you anxiety, so now every time you try to do them you are going to likely have anxiety. I know how this works all too well, I used to call it pre-drug anxiety, as I would get horrible panic until the drugs would kick in, then I'd be great, and then on the comedown I would have horrible depression, I would be very hard on myself for using again and the whole downward spiral would start up again. If you haven't already, talk to your family doctor about your anxiety and see if he/she thinks you need a referral for a psychiatrist and/or therapist. CBT did help me but it did not cure me of my anxiety issues but it does help, it just doesn't happen over night. I now manage my anxiety with a cocktail of prescribed drugs along with monthly therapy and a GREAT support system of friends who understand and are very compassionate of my disorders. Having REAL friends who truly understand and care will help you more than any drugs or doctor will for your anxiety problems IME. Sometimes it can feel like it has to get worse before it gets better, but you WILL feel better eventually if you take care of yourself and get the help you need. I believe I have done permanent damage and will now always have to live with my anxiety disorders but at least now I have the skills and tools to manage them and have a fairly normal life most the time. Don't be afraid to seek out and ask for help, and don't put it off!

 

[jethro1000]

I understand exactly what OP is going through! I haven't rolled since 2000, and I STILL have major anxiety issues (I was diagnosed with Panic disorder with agoraphobia about a year after I ceased using). I too had some anxiety issues before my MDMA use, but I noticed it getting gradually worse as my drug use continued. Fast forward a couple years and I was a total mess. I would be woken up nightly by panic attacks, I was in a constant state of depression and I totally closed myself off from any social activities as anytime I would even attempt to leave the house I would have panic attacks to the point I was experiencing depersonalization. I quit my job, lost A LOT of friends, and I alienated my family. My relationship suffered greatly too as my partner continued doing drugs and just didn't understand why I had issues and he did not.

I stopped all drugs except for weed, started doing CBT, tried about every SSRI/SNRI you could think of and nothing helped; I only seemed to get worse. Benzos were the only thing that did help, but we all know where that leads! So here it is, over 13 years later, and I still have horrible anxiety. I talk with quite a few people from our crew from back then and the "funny" thing is, they ALL have anxiety issues of some type now. Some are very minor (mostly the people who had no history of anxiety or mental problems before use) where I and a few others seem to be totally consumed with anxiety issues. Do I think MDMA caused these anxiety issues for me? No, I do not, but I do think it made my anxiety worse, maybe triggering underlying conditions I had that had been suppressed from my drug use (self medication). I really didn't realize how bad my anxiety disorder was until I stopped doing MDMA. While on it, I felt amazing, it was always the comedown, which would make me want to do more so I wouldn't feel that way, it was just a vicious cycle that didn't end until I did a bad combo at a party one night and well that's a LONG story but it made me realize what all these drugs were doing to me and how I was actually just medicating myself, trying to escape the constant misery that I was feeling. I think most of us do drugs for a reason, there is an underlying issue (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc) that causes us to seek out an escape from the reality of our condition and/or problems. While sober, those problems come back, usually tenfold, and that's when recreation turns to abuse. And then you have a whole other set of problems to deal with.

I guess my advice would be is to firstly, realize that your drug fueled partying days are now over. You have already convinced yourself that drugs is causing you anxiety, so now every time you try to do them you are going to likely have anxiety. I know how this works all too well, I used to call it pre-drug anxiety, as I would get horrible panic until the drugs would kick in, then I'd be great, and then on the comedown I would have horrible depression, I would be very hard on myself for using again and the whole downward spiral would start up again. If you haven't already, talk to your family doctor about your anxiety and see if he/she thinks you need a referral for a psychiatrist and/or therapist. CBT did help me but it did not cure me of my anxiety issues but it does help, it just doesn't happen over night. I now manage my anxiety with a cocktail of prescribed drugs along with monthly therapy and a GREAT support system of friends who understand and are very compassionate of my disorders. Having REAL friends who truly understand and care will help you more than any drugs or doctor will for your anxiety problems IME. Sometimes it can feel like it has to get worse before it gets better, but you WILL feel better eventually if you take care of yourself and get the help you need. I believe I have done permanent damage and will now always have to live with my anxiety disorders but at least now I have the skills and tools to manage them and have a fairly normal life most the time. Don't be afraid to seek out and ask for help, and don't put it off!

damn 13 yrs. 2mnths ago I was diagnosed by my gp panic disorder with agoraphobia. I also been an anxious person before that 3day use that resulted to this. I am not a heavy user. It was just my first time taking mdma.
On my first 2 weeks i cant go out of my house and i had constant panic attacks. 2 months after, i can now go out as much as i want.
Though im still suffering from waves of very anxious thoughts but it doesnt lead me to have panic attacks. Im trying my best to manage it, for i refuse to take medication. Oh boy your story is scary haha i hope my story will not end up like yours. Were your symptoms got worst? Compared on your first month? Right now i have bad days and good days.

 

[hoe]

damn 13 yrs. 2mnths ago I was diagnosed by my gp panic disorder with agoraphobia. I also been an anxious person before that 3day use that resulted to this. I am not a heavy user. It was just my first time taking mdma.
On my first 2 weeks i cant go out of my house and i had constant panic attacks. 2 months after, i can now go out as much as i want.
Though im still suffering from waves of very anxious thoughts but it doesnt lead me to have panic attacks. Im trying my best to manage it, for i refuse to take medication. Oh boy your story is scary haha i hope my story will not end up like yours. Were your symptoms got worst? Compared on your first month? Right now i have bad days and good days.

Don't let my story/experience get you down and make your anxiety worse! We are all different and have different reactions to drugs I did not tell the whole story as it would be a novel as I have years of drug use under my belt, ugh. I was also doing the majority of my rolling in the mid to late 90's and a lot of the pills I enjoyed mostly were probably MDEA. Also, I did have some mild anxiety before I started doing MDxx but not panic attacks and these problems got much worse after just a couple of uses. Again, I do not think it caused my anxiety disorder, but I do feel like it brought it to the surface more and made me worse.

I have good and bad days. I am now in a 3 year cycle of having nearly constant panic if I don't take benzos regularly (which I won't unless I feel absolutely necessary) but before this I had been anxiety free for almost 5 years. So, ya, I am up and down, it's just the way my anxiety is. I can go days to weeks to years without having any kind of anxiety and then out of nowhere I will have constant anxiety and panic attacks for long periods of time. It sucks.

 

[jethro1000]

Don't let my story/experience get you down and make your anxiety worse! We are all different and have different reactions to drugs I did not tell the whole story as it would be a novel as I have years of drug use under my belt, ugh. I was also doing the majority of my rolling in the mid to late 90's and a lot of the pills I enjoyed mostly were probably MDEA. Also, I did have some mild anxiety before I started doing MDxx but not panic attacks and these problems got much worse after just a couple of uses. Again, I do not think it caused my anxiety disorder, but I do feel like it brought it to the surface more and made me worse.

I have good and bad days. I am now in a 3 year cycle of having nearly constant panic if I don't take benzos regularly (which I won't unless I feel absolutely necessary) but before this I had been anxiety free for almost 5 years. So, ya, I am up and down, it's just the way my anxiety is. I can go days to weeks to years without having any kind of anxiety and then out of nowhere I will have constant anxiety and panic attacks for long periods of time. It sucks.

Yes. I too had panic attacks twice before my molly usage. I just hope ill have a different route. Are you still agoraphobic up to now?have you tried not taking medication? You said that your still doin weed. I read that weed causes anxiety.

 

[hoe]

Yes. I too had panic attacks twice before my molly usage. I just hope ill have a different route. Are you still agoraphobic up to now?have you tried not taking medication? You said that your still doin weed. I read that weed causes anxiety.

My agoraphobia is always there but it is worse at certain times. I have learned to manage it a lot. For instance, I have a job and go to my doctor appointments etc, so I obviously can leave the house, it's just not as simple as just leaving. I have to build myself up to going. If I have to be somewhere at say noon, I need to prepare to leave the house starting around 8-9 am. It takes me forever to do anything because I am constantly worrying about having a panic attack in public so I make excuses to not leave the house. I rarely have anxiety or panic at home, it is only when I leave my house. Now, I did go years where this problem went away, and like I said it came back about 3 years ago and it's worse than ever. I have also been off and on so many different meds during this recent cycle that I don't know what's helping and what's hurting anymore. I just weaned off all meds I had been on, so have been off for about 5 weeks now. I have taken .5 mg Xanax two times during that period for panic but besides that I have just made myself deal with it. I feel like the meds were making me worse and Xanax is the only thing I can take that works immediately and I don't have to take it everyday for it to work.

As for the weed, it all depends on the type and strain that I smoke. I try to only smoke Indica strains as it actually helps my anxiety. Sativa can be hit or miss for me, sometimes throwing me into a panic attack, so I am very picky about what I smoke or eat

 

[Jiraiya]

Hey guys. Feeling way better after I slept it off. No more weed for me! What a horrific experience. Can totally relate to what you guys are saying. My main symptoms are constant inward thinking/analyzing/worrying and the butterflies in your stomach sensation. Although it can vary. I seem to be obsessed over whether I messed myself up or not, and I have very negative reactions to positive thoughts. Just overall dissatisfied. Is this dp?

 

[laugh]

Is this dp?

^this is

My main symptoms are constant inward thinking/analyzing/worrying
I seem to be obsessed over whether I messed myself up or not

^this

get outside and get some sun, fresh air, and exercise. maybe a few beers while bathurst is on will help ease the anxiety?

 

[angeleyes]

maybe a few beers while bathurst is on will help ease the anxiety?

yeeeeeeeeeeee straya!!!!!!!! Get a carlton in ya sunshine!