So, I'm on the tail end, and I can't sleep, thought I'd finish off that update.
I only ever got very mild 'visuals' which might have been my imagination, and I was able to see patterns in things, alike shrooms only not as powerful (half a tab is obviously not nearly as intense as two grams). The real experience, per se, was in the consciousness-expansion and the sheer euphoria. Which is what you all told me and I told myself, but I think this helped drive that message home. This isn't about pretty colours or music euphoria. (The music was pretty good, but nothing beats shrooms in that field.) It's about warping your consciousness until you find an answer. And that's what I did. First with a little LSD-assisted imagination, I figured out what everyone here was telling me was entirely correct, and I have no neurological condition that fucks up my trips. They really were as bad as they were because my mind made them that way. Nothing more to it. A little elaboration...
DXM, I simply wasn't ready for the third plateau. It's a messy drug, it makes you feel like you're broken, and it was such a confusing and ego-dissolving experience and I wasn't ready, end of story.
Shrooms, I had a mild blackout, and I freaked out in reaction. I dismissed my trip sitter. If he'd stayed, I would have been fine. People told me shrooms are intense for first timers and I didn't listen. They have a very particular and strange character. And the reason I stopped hallucinating? I don't think my mind is particularly visual. That simple. The real hallucinations were in the awful, full-body-contorting synaesthesia I felt. I'm psychologically sensitive to this substance and next time winter rolls around, I'll be starting with
one gram.
From my notes:
Those bad trips? Those were just the thought that’s me, having thoughts about the thoughts that are me, and getting REALLY confused by them, because it is confusing.
The bad weed trip? Yeah, simple: don’t do weed. You never wanted to anyway.
I have a theory that the weed actually triggered a mushroom flashback. The physical and mental effects were very similar, just less intense. Perhaps if I try it again, I'll react normally. But I'm not inclined to risk it. It really wasn't a pleasant experience and I don't feel pot is worthwhile.
And there you have it... you were all spot on... I made it through my three consecutive bad trips and I have a new appreciation for this psychonautics thing. About which I wrote,
Now, a word on psychonautics. This is a seriously cool discipline. This is a field where you don’t have any ‘masters’ or a strict code to follow. This is a realm where you’re not gonna get sneered at or spat at for not listening, or not learning the lesson. And isn’t that the real nature of enlightenment (or a portion of it) when the student can go “Yeah you guys were RIGHT, I GET it now!” and the OTHER STUDENTS can go “YEAH, rock on!” Aaaww, bliss.
I now better respect what substances can do to you if you're not ready. I thought I could handle it, but I need to start safer. Those who recommended phenethylamines, I think you're right, from what I hear, you're clear-minded through those trips and aren't as likely to get confused.
I spent the rest of the trip reflecting on what I needed to do to fix my life. I wrote out four easy steps and I know I'll be able to follow them. I'm amazed half a tab of LSD could go this far... it was definitely a very light experience, lighter than 2nd plateau DXM for sure, yet far more brilliant than that ugly shit. And just as importantly, it proves to me that my brain can cope with psychedelic drugs; I don't have some disorder. So the depression of the last week has swung back and I'm very, very happy right now.
(Hey triplies, sorry but you must have incoming PMs disabled, possibly because you're still a greenlighter? Anyway I messaged back, but most of it's in this update anyway.)
Finally, let me elaborate on what I said before, about how very awesome you all are.
The guys at Bluelight were right. Yeah you guys. You’re fucking legends. Holy like HOLY shit. THANK you. Thank you for convincing me to not screw up my life. Because that’s what I would’ve done if you guys hadn’t totally kicked my ass into shape with what you said on the forums.
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