I am sorry to bring this up again, for anyone who's followed it and found it annoying. The issue is that my brief career has been more than a little fucked. I have resigned myself to the prospect of probably never being able to use drugs again. I will have to resort to less powerful means such as lucid dreaming to achieve my goals. It's severely disappointing, but I want to consolidate, and to that end I'm putting this topic out there. Is there anyone who has had similar experiences, or knows someone who has? Does anyone know of a condition that might cause what I'm about to describe? I am going to see a neurologist about this, but until then I'm doing as much independent research as I can.
What makes it even more frustrating is that I've never heard of anything quite like this happening. As far as I know, I'm a unique case.
Here's how it went. My first two experiences with DXM went fine, exactly the way they were supposed to. The first was an allergy test, really, placing me in the first plateau. Nothing much happened. The second was a blissful plateau-two trip without hallucinations. I felt strongly inebriated and dissociated, but that was about the extent of it.
The third trip, however, went very badly. I took it to what was supposed to be the third plateau, and found myself in a state of mind so heavily spaced out, it was like seeing my life through a projection of a projection of a projection. Thought loops, major ego distortion, memory discontinuity, etc. All in all an absolutely awful night. When I woke next morning, I thought I'd imagined the whole thing, because it hadn't seemed real even while it was happening. And no hallucinations.
So okay, that's a typical enough bad DXM trip. I gave it some time, disavowed DXM use altogether, and eventually tried mushrooms. Two grams. First hour and a half was a normal psilocybin trip, nothing particularly intense, just very euphoric and beautiful. I got slight hallucinations during this 'good' period. Then once again, the trip took a nasty turn and I found myself in an indescribable state of psychosis. My thoughts turned to gibberish for several hours and I walked around my room in a state of extreme confusion. It was overwhelming and absolutely miserable. I awoke the next morning certain that my brain simply had not reacted to the drug as it was supposed to. And from the point where things got bad onward, there were no hallucinations.
Time passed and I talked myself back into it. It was just another bad trip. It was a potent species of mushroom. I've heard of pepole having experiences like that before. So I decided to smoke some weed. A light experience, almost nothing, I'd just laugh a bit and time would pass quickly. And when the time came, what happened? Nothing like that at all. I smoked four small hits, and ended up with a major distortion of the nervous system, unpleasant heavy sensations all across my body, feeling my tongue like it was in my nose, my chest like it was my stomach, etc. At the peak, I had to struggle not to slip into total insanity in my head. A dreamlike delirium, lunacy, it was a fight just to remember who and what I was. Nothing nearly as intense as the mushrooms. But still absolutely wrong.
Why did this happen? Why can't I use drugs? Is there anything that would explain this phenomenon? I'm so frustrated... I just wish it would work properly. Instead, every time I ingest something, it's a guaranteed ticket to an acute psychotic episode. And no hallucinations. What is wrong with my brain, for fuck's sake? I've been through the desert on a horse with no name, but the horse bucked. I've looked into experiences from people with mental conditions I might have - micropsia, depersonalisation disorder. No one describes anything like this. And considering how many other avenues I've taken to my goal, and how every one of them has fallen flat despite how they work for most people, I'm starting to think I'm simply cursed or something.
Again, anyone who knows of a condition like this, or knows someone with a similar adverse reaction, that's what I'm looking for... and please, don't tell me my experiences were normal; they weren't. Especially not on four hits of marijuana.