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MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support - 5)

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Also when NTs/brain chemistry/signaling is affected, there is a possibility that the endocrine system controlled by the brain is off balance and then also perpetuating the same LTC symptoms.

Especially with sexual-anhedoniasymptoms it may be something to consider getting free T3, Testosterone, Cortisol, Pregnenolone, DHEA-S etc checked.

Ive tried Pregnenolone creams with erratic results for my symptoms. Sometimes they are a great help and other times does nothing and other times if I take too much it induces some weird brain fog. So thats something that should only be done with a doctor.

Ive also trialed steroids like Hydrocortisone and found that my LTC symptoms either get a ton better or they get worse and I get an agitated mania effect.

Ideally I want to have my body regulate its own cortisol cause exogenous supplementation comes with all sorts of side effects. I believe certain ADs and supplements help with this but I have not found the right ones.
 
Im not saying im against the use of LTC to describe symptoms and someones condition but its not a legitimate disease/disorder. Its not recognised in any literature nor is it mentioned in the DSMV so therefore its not a real disorder. None of the symptoms mentioned here are exclusive to anything either. For example, just look through the dpselfhelp boards you'll find pretty much every one. Yeah sure, no matter our illness we should be taking the same measurements to get better. However, at the same time we need to be aware of what we are actually suffering from and not blanketing it under one 'illness'. For example, HPPD sufferers do not respond well to SSRIs and should not take them in most cases. Again, only a small number of dp sufferers respond well to SSRIs whereas they would probably benefit a number of people with standard depression.

Like I say im not against the use of LTC as a term but when people think of it as an actual illness. Because in the beginning I came looking for help, believed I had an LTC and starting taking this, that and the other, when now I know they are no good for my specific condition.
 
I think we are just arguing semantics. I see what you are getting at. I completely agree that each LTC is sort of its own thing considering how there is such a wide variation of symptoms ppl have.

My point is that what we are calling an LTC is not the same as standard 'psychogenic' depression/anxiety in the sense that treatments for that may or may not be effective for the 'LTC' and associated symptoms. So what im saying and what you are saying isnt that far off.
 
I understand your point now more martiannn, in the sense that it isn't officially recognised or documented. And yes you are right in saying people with HPPD or people on the dpselfhelp board have all of my symptoms.

I suppose I'm just worried I've physically damaged the brain structures involved in emotions, sex drive etc with my MDMA abuse - slightly different from Dp/Dr from severe anxiety or parental abuse
 
Anyone else feel like they've opened doors in their mind that should never he open? Like even I if I recover, monumental facts about the universe, e.g that everything we do is ultimately pointless, have smacked me in the face when I was not ready for them and also I can't remember what 'normal' even feels like so I don't know how I would tell if I've even recovered. I feel like my life has fallen down a rabbit hole and I'm just going deeper and deeper...
 
Yeah I'd say it's because I'm still adjusting to this new state. Not saying life is pointless I mean like any action we do, 1000 years from now will mean nothing, guess it's an existential crisis of sorts. At least now I can direct my life in a meaningful way and cut through the noise of modern society, if my cognition recovers of course.

Also Theone I see we can only message every 180 minutes. I would message you on a different platform but I don't know how we could without posting details.
 
Holl100 said:
I understand your point now more martiannn, in the sense that it isn't officially recognised or documented. And yes you are right in saying people with HPPD or people on the dpselfhelp board have all of my symptoms.

I suppose I'm just worried I've physically damaged the brain structures involved in emotions, sex drive etc with my MDMA abuse - slightly different from Dp/Dr from severe anxiety or parental abuse
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No, not really. DP is dp and pretty much everyone will tell you that on the dp forum. It doesnt matter whether its from trauma, anxiety, or drug use, its all the same condition. If mdma abuse caused DP then I would know plenty of people will DP and I know plenty of folk who smashed it way more than me and are perfectly fine. Sure, if you were doing MD every day theres more than likely going to be some irreversable changes to the brain but even then that doesnt always mean you'd have DP. Its a mental condition that some people are unfortuantly just suseptable to, just as some people are HPPD, depression, bipolar etc etc. We are just unlucky people that have had a mental disorder induced by drug use and for some of us may have been in combination with other factors such as stress, previous trauma etc....

My focus isnt to argue with people but I feel this forum sometimes hurts as much as it helps and people believing they have some made up condition is certainly not helpful.
 
Regrets9995 said:
Yeah I'd say it's because I'm still adjusting to this new state. Not saying life is pointless I mean like any action we do, 1000 years from now will mean nothing, guess it's an existential crisis of sorts. At least now I can direct my life in a meaningful way and cut through the noise of modern society, if my cognition recovers of course.

Also Theone I see we can only message every 180 minutes. I would message you on a different platform but I don't know how we could without posting details.
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This is just dp dude and is something I previous felt and now again feel after my setback. So its something I previously got over before and Im sure you will too.
 
martainnn said:
This is just dp dude and is something I previous felt and now again feel after my setback. So its something I previously got over before and Im sure you will too.
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Yeah man I'm definitely coming to terms with it and it has already taught me not to waste my life on the wrong things/people which is a positive. Just still feel so disconnected from reality, it's like I have to constantly remind myself that I am actually awake and not dreaming, so strange. Still in survival mode but only 6 months in.
 
I didn't mean any of my comments maliciously, so hopefully I haven't came across as argumentative. I suppose what I mean is, if someone gets Dp/Dr from anxiety - I would assume that they still have the neuron pathways in there brain to eventually have pleasure, emotions, sex drive etc and it's just there neurotransmitters that are out of balance. For me, I'm implying that what if my MDMA abuse has completely destroyed the neurons in my brain that allow those functions - I have literally no emotion, no feeling of pleasure, no dopamine after orgasm, no sensitivity in my penis tissue. Not many people on Dpselfhelp have those particular symptoms - some may have low libido but not full blown sensation loss and ejaculatory anhedonia.

It's been 15 months. 15 long months without feeling any emotion or pleasure and my dick not working. I'm just frustrated, terrified and lost martiannn. I would give anything to have an answer - is it Dp/Dr or could it be a physical problem with my brain from the drugs? If it's just DpDr then I think I'll eventually be OK - if it's physical brain damage and I'm never going to feel emotion or have a sex drive again, well, I might as well load the shotgun now.
 
Holl100 said:
I didn't mean any of my comments maliciously, so hopefully I haven't came across as argumentative. I suppose what I mean is, if someone gets Dp/Dr from anxiety - I would assume that they still have the neuron pathways in there brain to eventually have pleasure, emotions, sex drive etc and it's just there neurotransmitters that are out of balance. For me, I'm implying that what if my MDMA abuse has completely destroyed the neurons in my brain that allow those functions - I have literally no emotion, no feeling of pleasure, no dopamine after orgasm, no sensitivity in my penis tissue. Not many people on Dpselfhelp have those particular symptoms - some may have low libido but not full blown sensation loss and ejaculatory anhedonia.

It's been 15 months. 15 long months without feeling any emotion or pleasure and my dick not working. I'm just frustrated, terrified and lost martiannn. I would give anything to have an answer - is it Dp/Dr or could it be a physical problem with my brain from the drugs? If it's just DpDr then I think I'll eventually be OK - if it's physical brain damage and I'm never going to feel emotion or have a sex drive again, well, I might as well load the shotgun now.
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You should talk to a good neurologist about the sexual problems.
 
Regrets9995 said:
Anyone else feel like they've opened doors in their mind that should never he open? Like even I if I recover, monumental facts about the universe, e.g that everything we do is ultimately pointless, have smacked me in the face when I was not ready for them and also I can't remember what 'normal' even feels like so I don't know how I would tell if I've even recovered. I feel like my life has fallen down a rabbit hole and I'm just going deeper and deeper...
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I agree with this. Life will never be the same for me, but not even necessarily worse.

Regrets9995 said:
Yeah man I'm definitely coming to terms with it and it has already taught me not to waste my life on the wrong things/people which is a positive. Just still feel so disconnected from reality, it's like I have to constantly remind myself that I am actually awake and not dreaming, so strange. Still in survival mode but only 6 months in.
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My life has become much more streamlined actually, after no longer making excuses for things and never second guessing myself.

I can relate to this...I used to forget I was alive I was so DP/DRd. Very suddenly I snapped out of it one moment, as in, I remember the exact second that my reality shifted - after ~14 months!

Holl100 said:
I didn't mean any of my comments maliciously, so hopefully I haven't came across as argumentative. I suppose what I mean is, if someone gets Dp/Dr from anxiety - I would assume that they still have the neuron pathways in there brain to eventually have pleasure, emotions, sex drive etc and it's just there neurotransmitters that are out of balance. For me, I'm implying that what if my MDMA abuse has completely destroyed the neurons in my brain that allow those functions - I have literally no emotion, no feeling of pleasure, no dopamine after orgasm, no sensitivity in my penis tissue. Not many people on Dpselfhelp have those particular symptoms - some may have low libido but not full blown sensation loss and ejaculatory anhedonia.

It's been 15 months. 15 long months without feeling any emotion or pleasure and my dick not working. I'm just frustrated, terrified and lost martiannn. I would give anything to have an answer - is it Dp/Dr or could it be a physical problem with my brain from the drugs? If it's just DpDr then I think I'll eventually be OK - if it's physical brain damage and I'm never going to feel emotion or have a sex drive again, well, I might as well load the shotgun now.
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I had total anhedonia for 12 months. Inability to feel an iota of pleasure, even from breathing air. We tend to underestimate how thoroughly joyous even inhaling oxygen is. It's almost impossible to notice how much of a base that pleasure provides to the human experience. I also felt frustrated terrified and lost but I dare say I'm over the worst of it. I'm still really struggling to come to terms with the experience so forgive my brevity here because I would really like to write about it a lot more but I struggle to find the words and and ear to listen. One of the most prominent characteristics for me was absolute indifference to everything but what shook me so deeply was my lack of any overt sense of fear. I knew I was scared but it was like I was so scared that I wasn't. As in, the basic primal, emotional fear was gone and that produced a different kind of fear, one much vaster and immense. My lack of control over my state of being eventually caused me to utterly give in to it. And for me, that's how I overcame it at the time, by not trying to get better. And lo and behold, 18 months later, I am a hell of a lot better. I have emotions again and I can feel pleasure. My dick has sensation in it but to be honest, the reward for ejaculation is much dulled. I tend to get a good feeling down there and a little buzz afterwards but the pleasure I so confidently came to associate with serotonin release has disappeared to a large extent. Do I think this is permanent? It does seem that way, however just six months ago I would never have been able to predict or foresee the enormous degree of improvement which would occur. On a final note, I find your statement that you'd blow your brains out from the problems extremely pessimistic and unnecessarily exaggerated. There is absolutely more to life than this but you have to seek it. For me, seeking meant an inward journey of self discovery, firmer commitment to my passions and beliefs and effort to becoming a stronger, stranger person.
 
Testosterone, DHT,E2 levels and some other hormones may be something to check with a doctor especially with the sexual symptoms. Sometimes T can be ok but DHT lowish or E2 lowish (or high). As long as you are aware that hormone testing is difficult to interpret and the 'normal' ranges which are quite wide may not necessarily be what your true 'baseline' pre LTC was or what the optimal is for young age.

DHT is a potent antidepressant and the poor guys who take 5-AR prescription inhibitors or even saw palmetto supplements end up with another 3 letter syndrome: PFS. That seems even worse than the LTC but similar symptoms. 5-AR is involved in lots of processes like neurosteroid upregulation in the brain as well.

Im working with a psychoneuroendo on this right now.

A neurologist is not the right specialist for an LTC.

The right specialist is a psychiatrist or neuroendocrinologist. In some ways psychiatry is sort of in between neurology/endocrinology.
 
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I've been symptom free for over 6 months from an MDMA induced LTC around a year ago. (Second one, a decade apart. Don't take MDMA if you've been through a LTC) Since then I've taken LSD, 2CB, speed and coke without any symptoms. SSRI pulled me out of the LTC (Which I maintain is not neurological damage but a symptom of depleted serotonin along with natural anxiety)

I've recently switched to an SNRI since SSRI's completely killed my sex drive and ability to maintain an erection. What a shit side effect of a drug eh?

Also requested hormone levels tested. I'm in my late 20s, I want my sex drive back.
 
Hi rory, how much did you use to cause the ltc and what were your symptoms?
Glad you recovered!
 
rorymullan said:
I've been symptom free for over 6 months from an MDMA induced LTC around a year ago. (Second one, a decade apart. Don't take MDMA if you've been through a LTC) Since then I've taken LSD, 2CB, speed and coke without any symptoms. SSRI pulled me out of the LTC (Which I maintain is not neurological damage but a symptom of depleted serotonin along with natural anxiety)

I've recently switched to an SNRI since SSRI's completely killed my sex drive and ability to maintain an erection. What a shit side effect of a drug eh?

Also requested hormone levels tested. I'm in my late 20s, I want my sex drive back.
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Did the ED/Sex drive issues persist after quitting the SSRI?
 
How can some people abuse the shit out of mdma without longterm consequences and others get months of sleep problems from one strong pill.
I don't fucking get it. At least I felt some anger while working out today, the strongest emotion I felt in weeks.
 
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