First Bad Comedown
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2010
- Messages
- 562
Hello India,
It is rare that I sign onto BL anymore.
Something compelled me tonight.
Maybe it was you.
I know that my posts can provide a lot to be concerned/obsessed over.
The possibility of your current condition remaining with you for years is terrifying.
I remember the early stages.
You are in the midst of a complete dysfunction of your HPA, or hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis.
It is a critical part of brain function that is highly influenced by the connection between the gut and the higher parts of the brain.
Your serotonin nerves extend from your brainstem into the frontal lobes through the hypothalamus.
By damaging your serotonin system in the cortex, you have lost the necessary inhibitory effects in those areas.
One of the primary inhibitory effects is seen with nearby dopamine neurons, which are now firing rapidly and uncontrollably at times.
The loss of inhibition is the driving force behind your obsessive thoughts and emotions.
Many on BL will say 'its all in your head', as if to assert that conscious control is possible.
I assert that most of them haven't a goddamn clue about just how unhinged a person can become.
There are levels of neuronal excitation that lead to the death and reprogramming of brain cells, and who is to say that your brain isn't doing exactly what it needs to?
There is evidence among other mental illnesses that treating the condition with medication can help symptoms, but often does not lead to a cure.
In fact treatment can lead to a dependence that is life-long.
This is seen in depression, schizophrenia, bipolar...
Your poor pituitary gland is telling you 24/7 that you are totally fucked up.
And that it might be permanent.
I can so clearly recall the fear of forever.
Over time I would realize that I was cycling.
As each phase would build to the next crisis and complete emotional breakdown, I would reach the conclusion (each time) that this might be permanent.
In fact, it seemed necessary that I reach this stage of belief before the actual breakdown would occur.
Until I really believed in my mind that I would never truly recover, I was unable to freak out and cry/scream/release.
And I have no doubt that these events involved the death/reprogramming of neurons.
It took many months of this horrible cycling to realize what the underlying process was.
Without the fear of permanence, the neurological changes could not be achieved.
No other obsessive thought would get me to that point.
Permanence is unique among thoughts.
Allow me to offer you a great reassurance.
You are not as brain damaged as i. I can tell this from your posts.
But even if you were....
When I continued to write up to and past the 2 year mark of my recovery...the feeling of dread was LONG GONE.
That isn't to say I had no fears left. Indeed I have battled physical symptoms that made me feel like I could die!
But this is a healthy fear.
Long gone was the gnawing emptiness, the vacuum where my soul once resided.
The abyss I had fallen into was not bottomless.
Just like waiting in line for a rollercoaster, the impending fear is the worst.
Once you go over the first and second hill you know you are going to be ok.
Does this make sense?
If you are truly damaged, there will be other things to worry about later.
But it will not feel like this. It will not be the same.
You will suffer as a true human being with a functional pituitary gland.
You will embrace your emotions like long lost friends.
For me the first 3 months were unreal in terms of emotional emptiness.
The first 6-8 months were extremely difficult.
Something changed between month 9-12.
The depression and feeling of dread that ruined my every waking moment was lifting.
By month 15 I started to realize that cognitive loss was just beginning to set in.
This was very sad for me, but not nearly as painful as what I had already endured.
By month 20 my cognitive decline seemed to level out and stop.
It was in the 2nd year that I really fought the cognitive problems, sometimes with an unhealthy OCD pursuit.
It culminated in what I think was a TIA, or temporary stroke.
I lost tons of weight and had to stop going to the gym.
I still don't know if that was meant to be or if it was self-inflicted.
I am still recovering from that, which I now view as the last in a long line of cycles.
At 3.5 years recovery I can honestly say that the emotional suffering in the beginning was by FAR the worst part.
If you aren't past the first few months, you have NO idea what to expect yet.
But it sounds to me like you got about 10% of the damage I did.
So take a DEEP BREATH.
I say many BLers that came to me for counseling.
There is a trend towards recovery within 3-4 months.
Those that aren't so lucky, almost always recover meaningfully within a year.
Then there is the group I'm in.
Multiple years of re-wiring, with significant markers of recovery occurring around 12 and 24 months.
The best new of all - the brain never stops re-wiring itself.
It is built for it, so no matter how bad off you are, you are lucky to have an organ talented in reorganizing itself.
The odds are heavily in your favor, from my experienced point of view.
Never stop exercising, and try to think of recovery in terms of months. Not days.
Good luck and PM me with questions.
It is rare that I sign onto BL anymore.
Something compelled me tonight.
Maybe it was you.
I know that my posts can provide a lot to be concerned/obsessed over.
The possibility of your current condition remaining with you for years is terrifying.
I remember the early stages.
You are in the midst of a complete dysfunction of your HPA, or hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis.
It is a critical part of brain function that is highly influenced by the connection between the gut and the higher parts of the brain.
Your serotonin nerves extend from your brainstem into the frontal lobes through the hypothalamus.
By damaging your serotonin system in the cortex, you have lost the necessary inhibitory effects in those areas.
One of the primary inhibitory effects is seen with nearby dopamine neurons, which are now firing rapidly and uncontrollably at times.
The loss of inhibition is the driving force behind your obsessive thoughts and emotions.
Many on BL will say 'its all in your head', as if to assert that conscious control is possible.
I assert that most of them haven't a goddamn clue about just how unhinged a person can become.
There are levels of neuronal excitation that lead to the death and reprogramming of brain cells, and who is to say that your brain isn't doing exactly what it needs to?
There is evidence among other mental illnesses that treating the condition with medication can help symptoms, but often does not lead to a cure.
In fact treatment can lead to a dependence that is life-long.
This is seen in depression, schizophrenia, bipolar...
Your poor pituitary gland is telling you 24/7 that you are totally fucked up.
And that it might be permanent.
I can so clearly recall the fear of forever.
Over time I would realize that I was cycling.
As each phase would build to the next crisis and complete emotional breakdown, I would reach the conclusion (each time) that this might be permanent.
In fact, it seemed necessary that I reach this stage of belief before the actual breakdown would occur.
Until I really believed in my mind that I would never truly recover, I was unable to freak out and cry/scream/release.
And I have no doubt that these events involved the death/reprogramming of neurons.
It took many months of this horrible cycling to realize what the underlying process was.
Without the fear of permanence, the neurological changes could not be achieved.
No other obsessive thought would get me to that point.
Permanence is unique among thoughts.
Allow me to offer you a great reassurance.
You are not as brain damaged as i. I can tell this from your posts.
But even if you were....
When I continued to write up to and past the 2 year mark of my recovery...the feeling of dread was LONG GONE.
That isn't to say I had no fears left. Indeed I have battled physical symptoms that made me feel like I could die!
But this is a healthy fear.
Long gone was the gnawing emptiness, the vacuum where my soul once resided.
The abyss I had fallen into was not bottomless.
Just like waiting in line for a rollercoaster, the impending fear is the worst.
Once you go over the first and second hill you know you are going to be ok.
Does this make sense?
If you are truly damaged, there will be other things to worry about later.
But it will not feel like this. It will not be the same.
You will suffer as a true human being with a functional pituitary gland.
You will embrace your emotions like long lost friends.
For me the first 3 months were unreal in terms of emotional emptiness.
The first 6-8 months were extremely difficult.
Something changed between month 9-12.
The depression and feeling of dread that ruined my every waking moment was lifting.
By month 15 I started to realize that cognitive loss was just beginning to set in.
This was very sad for me, but not nearly as painful as what I had already endured.
By month 20 my cognitive decline seemed to level out and stop.
It was in the 2nd year that I really fought the cognitive problems, sometimes with an unhealthy OCD pursuit.
It culminated in what I think was a TIA, or temporary stroke.
I lost tons of weight and had to stop going to the gym.
I still don't know if that was meant to be or if it was self-inflicted.
I am still recovering from that, which I now view as the last in a long line of cycles.
At 3.5 years recovery I can honestly say that the emotional suffering in the beginning was by FAR the worst part.
If you aren't past the first few months, you have NO idea what to expect yet.
But it sounds to me like you got about 10% of the damage I did.
So take a DEEP BREATH.
I say many BLers that came to me for counseling.
There is a trend towards recovery within 3-4 months.
Those that aren't so lucky, almost always recover meaningfully within a year.
Then there is the group I'm in.
Multiple years of re-wiring, with significant markers of recovery occurring around 12 and 24 months.
The best new of all - the brain never stops re-wiring itself.
It is built for it, so no matter how bad off you are, you are lucky to have an organ talented in reorganizing itself.
The odds are heavily in your favor, from my experienced point of view.
Never stop exercising, and try to think of recovery in terms of months. Not days.
Good luck and PM me with questions.
