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MDMA comedown update

The depression will pass! I remember writing about the depression back on 2 months. I think the depression is a sign that something is going on in your head, and positive too, I had to become really depressed in order to feel really good again. A month later, I'm honestly completely recovered now (apart from the eye floaters and after images, but apparently they die down after a couple of months)
 
Yeah i get eye floaters, they're not that noticeable though so i don't care about them, they're pretty low priority in comparison

Thejibberman i look forward to it, just so exhausted mentally, just want to sleep all the time! It's kinda like i have a really bad hangover all the time, with extra depression and Dr/dp. i did notice earlier when i was walking to the gym that i wasn't anxious at all walking through town, which was nice. Normally busy places make me so bad. So at least the anxiety is manageable. I think this is why fatigue is my main problem right now, simply because my mind is just exhausted from all the shit it's been through these past two months
 
^ do you think floaters are due to the comedown?
IMHO you've always had them but nust noticed because of the eightened anxiety.

I have quite a lot of floaters but never suffered a ltc.
 
ComfortablyNumb95 said:
^ do you think floaters are due to the comedown?
IMHO you've always had them but nust noticed because of the eightened anxiety.

I have quite a lot of floaters but never suffered a ltc.
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Yeah I think it's this too, which explains why they die down, they are less noticeable than when I first took notice of them. I just remember being on adrenaline mode all the time, then it got less constant, now it's barely ever. A good thing is, my main problem (the tongue) has FINALLY gone away, the doctor finally used some powerful anti-fungals on it, and I think it cleared out my stomach at the same time, now my tongue healthy pink again. Which has made me feel 1000000000x better.

India, I think your brain has given up with the anxiety, hence the depression, but once you become happy again you'll feel normal. I don't experience any weird doubts or anything anymore which is SO AWESOME. I'm completely back on track from where I was 4 months ago, but I'm still recovering, but to the point where I think I've recovered enough to live normally again.
 
Hi India111, sorry you're having such a rough time. I believe the depression will pass as well. You just need time. I had a breakdown at work over a month ago, almost 3 months into my ltc, where i broke down crying. I just felt so numb and disconnected from my emotions that i couldn't take it. I went straight to the doctors that very same day, told him everything about taking mdma and he was so helpful. We formulated a plan together to get through this. I'm to start CBT soon, alongside the counselling i'm already having. Are you having any form of therapy at the moment? Maybe it's something you should consider. I will also be receiving free exercise classes from my local leisure centre, perhaps tai chi or some other classes, as well as free gym access. You're based in London as well so you should be able to get a referral from your doctor. I'm not sure if it's just something my borough does but it is worth checking out seeing as everyone here states that exercise is beneficial for ltcs.

While i wait for all of this to start, i am already feeling a lot better, i think letting everything out and admitting to family and work colleagues how bad everything is, as well as accepting i have dp/dr has taken some of the edge off. Ever since then I have been feeling a lot more positive, I no longer feel emotionally numb and am a lot happier. My feelings of despair have gone and i feel excited about life and ready to move on from this. My anxiety levels are down but i have a long way to go yet. Rather than measuring my progress by using a scale of 1-10 of how bad i feel and how that has improved, i find that what has changed is that I am experiencing more open windows from my symptoms where i experience no symptoms. I am experience dp/dr sporadically during an average day, rather than 24/7 like i was a month ago. My sleep has improved and have had many 8 hour nights of sleep in the last week. If my dp/dr continues to improve then it will be the floaters that are the biggest problem. If i'm looking at something when walking and only when walking, such as my phone or any object in my hand, i see a floating black dot to the side of it. Luckily this has shifted southeast from my centre right vision towards my peripheral vision, where hopefully it will settle out of my sightline, something i heard floaters can do. I also see the little firework like things in the sky or on bright surfaces (like white rooms flooded with sunlight). This has become more noticeable now the days are longer and summer is starting. It generally doesn't bother me, but at times can be distracting and adds to the general experience of mental chaos. But the fact that i'm improving without starting cbt or my exercise yet is encouraging. My writing is also really taking off and is proof that i'm not e-tarded or anything.

I can also relate to your dad passing as my dad almost died 1.5 years ago and a week later i had a tragic family bereavement- perfect timing. I started taking mdma after this as i just needed something to take my mind off things. It wasn't the first time i took MDMA, which is interesting as the fact that i used to take mdma in 2007, far more frequently and in heavier doses on average than what i took over the 1.5 years from september 2012, and nothing bad happened, shows that I was in a fragile state of mind this time round and it screwed me up. I believe this is the case with you too. The MDMA probably just brought something to the surface with both of us. I was also pushing myself too hard before I got sick- i blame the culture of competition pervasive in London.

As for relationships, i'm single and i think I would cope with this situation better if i had someone. I feel like i'm not in the right frame of mind to let anyone get that close to me. I cooled things with this girl i was seeing and who i really liked as everything was getting too much. A real catch 22 situation. I can relate to wanting to be alone/with people. This is something that is improving and i've felt close to normal in regards to social situations, but often i feel like i need space. The worst part was feeling like friends and family were strangers, but i feel engaged again and able to express myself again, albeit slightly withdrawn still.

Sorry to ramble on, especially on your thread, but i just wanted to give you something to relate to and I really do think you will improve with time. Remember, what doesn't kill us will only make us strong, and i think we will beat this!
 
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Genuinely sound like you're in my position, the only thing I've got on my problems list is my floaters and after images.
 
Lazyoaf no I'm not having any counseling, i went to the doctors about it and i just found they were really unhelpful, i think I'm just going to pay to see a counselor privately because my experience with the NHS in dealing with mental illness unfortunately hasn't been a very good one. The problem is I'm so busy at work and my shifts change so often i can't even book an initial meeting with anyone, seriously considering walking out on this contract because atm i can't do anything i need to do to help my recovery /: in a bit of a catch 22 here like you said!

I'm so glad you're experiencing windows, that's a really good sign :) i haven't had any but my symptoms do fluctuate, I'm hoping given time I'll start to scratch the surface of this dreamworld I'm currently in

I hope so too dude :) just so restless at the moment, it appears no matter what i do i'd rather be doing something else!
 
India111 said:
Lazyoaf no I'm not having any counseling, i went to the doctors about it and i just found they were really unhelpful, i think I'm just going to pay to see a counselor privately because my experience with the NHS in dealing with mental illness unfortunately hasn't been a very good one. The problem is I'm so busy at work and my shifts change so often i can't even book an initial meeting with anyone, seriously considering walking out on this contract because atm i can't do anything i need to do to help my recovery /: in a bit of a catch 22 here like you said!

I'm so glad you're experiencing windows, that's a really good sign :) i haven't had any but my symptoms do fluctuate, I'm hoping given time I'll start to scratch the surface of this dreamworld I'm currently in

I hope so too dude :) just so restless at the moment, it appears no matter what i do i'd rather be doing something else!
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Sounds like you need to completely relax India. My mum told me her friend's son went through something like this after having too much MDMA and weed (long ago). She said it took 3 months for him to normalise and then they took him on holiday and he came back completely back to how he was before. Now he's absolutely fine.

I've just been relaxing the whole time. You need your brain to relax before any symptoms to go away IMHO, my symptoms only started to dissappear when I stopped stressing about my health. The irony. God I get so anxious when coming on this website, but I need to continue hearing your updates Ind!
 
I think i do Thejibberman, I'll give this job another few weeks but if it's putting too much strain on me I'll throw in the towel and take the summer off, I've only just finished uni and although it'll make it harder to get back into tv in the new year, it shouldn't ruin my career seeing as I'm very much in the beginning stages and most of my friends don't even have a job after uni yet so i'd consider myself ahead on that front

Btw i'd just like to take the time to just thank both yourself and everyone else (lazyoaf and comfortablynumb to name a few) on bluelight for your continued support and reassurance, sounds dramatic but i honestly don't know what worse state i'd be in if it wasn't for everyone on here. Sometimes i come on here in floods of tears and just seeing another recovery story or words of encouragement gives me the strength i need to continue with my day

Just wanted to say thanks :)
 
Hey dude :) eh I'm okay, still strongly considering quitting this three month contract now because I really don't think i can handle twelve hour shifts with all the physical symptoms and i feel like it's slowing me down recovery wise /: i dunno what to do, need to make a decision really soon (like in the next few days) to either leave or commit but I'm so torn, I really need a rest but at the same time i might really regret leaving and be bored /: ugh. Apart from that though i have been getting better, my sleep is noticeably improved and the depression is better, especially on my days off. It kinda comes in waves, I'll be feeling much better and then be hit with this wall of sheer despair about my current state, which will improve in a few hours. I've started to enjoy certain activities a bit more like playing games on my computer than i used to, but my Dr/dp is still pretty bad visually and the brain fog is still there. But yeah sleep is continuing to improve, which is really good :) also i can now drink socially which has really been helping to make me feel normal, especially now i can sit out in a beer garden enjoying a drink on the weekends with my friends
 
I wouldn't quit, I understand how hard things are but in less than 3 months it will be over and you'll will get so much out of it. I think it's better to be out and active rather than shut away. I wouldn't be where I am now recovery wise if I had gone on sick leave from my job. Improvements in sleep makes everything a bit easier and I hope that continues to improve for you!
 
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Lazyoaf I'm going to try to stick it out but damn it's hard, I'm constantly nearly falling asleep at my desk and my boss probably thinks i'm rubbish. Luckily i spoke to a friend who works in the same place and he is happy to cover some of my shifts to help me out. After this contract ends though I'm going home to rest and just go to the gym/socialise/get a part time job with shorter shifts when I'm ready. I noticed i enjoy light reading again, I've previously disliked it because it can be a chore with Dr/dp, but I'm actually getting into this book I've been reading recently even with the whole vision thing, which is nice.
 
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