^glitter_kiss, -hugs-
tl;don'tfeellikeyouhavetoread,
ahh i'm so over this whole twack out for a week and not eat the entire time and then come home and binge the fuck out until I can't take it anymore. I eat until I feel like I'm going to explode and I don't purge.
I just smoke pot which keeps the cycle going and going. I started my ED when I was around 11 years old, growing up my dad criticized my weight until we both went on a diet around said time (tucking me in @ age 5, grabbing my thigh, "it's not supposed to be this big", age 7 I don't like wearing winter coats cause they make me look too big and I don't like to sit down in chairs for the way my thighs look esp. when wearing shorts, "you don't want to be fat like mommy",) ^ and was diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Nerve Dystrophy until it was re-categorized in Chronic Reginal Pain Syndrome > Chronic Fatigue x Fibromyalgia x Osteopenia (very close to Osteoporosis) x vit. D deficiency x Hypothyroidism. thus even at an 11yo-chunky state that was NORMAL, my doc's also put in my head (although understandably so and it wasn't un-called for, if they knew what was going on at home they probably wouldn't have said as much as they did) that it was a good idea to diet. so I started obsessing at 13 and was purging at 14, with over 10 trips to the bathroom a day I scheduled my day around those trips and it became my life. if you add up the times I regurgitated within those trips it equals up to being over 100 regurgitation's(for lack of a better word) a day. at 15 I believe it was, I remember laying on the toilet, tired, and depressed, thinking if I was going to live like this I wasn't going to live long - so if I wanted to continue, I would simply kill myself, or I would get help. I knew this was the right way to go, so I did the screening process to get into a children's psych hospital I had already been to a few previous times for short stays within past suicide attempts. I was there for 3 months and I, with a few backslides shortly after being released, overcame bulimia but with that came an addiction to oxycontin/valium/xanax and shortly thereafter relapsing on meth a few months after coming out of a month-long rehab I went to, (started at age 14, stopped @ 15, relapse on 17th birthday) & this was when I got released from a 6-month-long stay at a PRTF (for the oxycontin, suicide attempt coming off..). and it seems as though when I look at it, it didn't just start with food and end somewhere..that it still plays a part. I had it in my head that it was drugs for the past few years after combating bulimia but I think I've just not looked at it the right way. maybe I'm wrong, and it's just that I have an addictive personality in general and I've switched addictions entirely and it DOESN'T have to do with such a baseline of food. but it only makes sense with the meth use, and the point I've taken it to - a lot of my meth using friends, even the ones that IV [with me], comment on my grotesque eating habits and how I take not eating to an extreme when I'm twacking. I don't fucking know, I'm just tired tired tired of it already and I'm so young and my body feels so old and I feel so fucking wimpy and whiny and UGH
