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Confess Your Drug Sins Here, 1 at a time.

Erikmen said:
I'm fearful of relapsing. I feel I have gone so far this time and having seen that everything changed so much that going back to that life I had would be a major set back and for sure they (family + new friends) would never trust me anymore, for real. I think my last time sober was already when they didn't trust me already but then I am 2 years sober and my life is totally different. I was so fuc.. worried last winter that I cancelled my holiday trip last year thinking I was gonna relapse. I'm a little more confident now, but not yet sure about never ever, it's not impossible. But I don't think none of us can surely say that.
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What makes you want to use? Do you like being high just for the high? Do you use to numb the brain?

Whatever the reason you know whatever good feeling you get will only last a short period then the walls come crashing down.

I realize I must look like a jerk saying that when I get high daily. I'm sorry if that's being disrespectful.
 
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Not at all. I guess everyone thinks about it I assume people I try to build their own strategies to deal with cravings. The warmer feelings in the body, the happy mind and soul, not to mention the peace and lighter self. The perfect sleep, going to that place where there are no problems.

The problems of these thoughts are that in my mind I have felt I could beat this one time only. But I have proved to myself how impossible that was to me so I just think how I become after and live this moment and try to live one of of those at a time. There were some occasions where I had so much cravings I had literally lived small periods of the day at at a time until I realized cravings do not last that long. They come and go. But with time you get ways to deal with it. I'll get there.
 
Crashed and totaled my dad's 50,000$ work truck, which he got sued for by rhe company, forcing him to file bankruptcy, which obviously fucked up his financial situation. I was drunk and took it while he slept to go get cocaine.(which I didn't even end up getting)I also had a suspended license at the time.He also lost that job. He could still work, as he was a union journeyman, but never for that company again, which was a pretty sweet gig.
 
Have also crashed and lost my car over and over again. To the point no insurance would accept me. Money gains can actually be observed when you're sober. And it's quite an achievement when you can use it for your own good. Quite motivating in my case.
 
when i was 21 i shoplifted dxm quite frequently because i didn't want to raise flags by buying it every week. my normal dose back then was 300mgs or one whole bottle.

i'd often stop at the grocery on the way to class, put a bottle in my jacket, walk out, and chug it in the parking lot before going to whichever lecture i had that day.

i still remember my friends laughing at the purple stains on my jacket and then laughing even harder when i told them with a straight face what it was.

got into arguments with my teachers a lot without realizing it. one kinda lost his cool and called me "king shit of turd mountain" in front of the class. i was so dissociated it didn't even phase me at the time.
 
Interesting how we don't seem to care at all when some of these things happen. For me it did not matter, nothing mattered for sometime.
 
We do bad things. And bad things happen to good people.
We can only move on and forgive ourselves. There's no other way.
 
Wise words, Erik.

I feel that you must be a very good person, despite your affinity for opiates. You have many stories of "drug sins" yet you maintain a functional life with a loving family and secure occupation. For most other people, with the same experiences you have, that wouldn't be possible. So in my estimation, you are a unique and exceptional person in this world with more to come and lots to offer. Stories of crashing cars, falling asleep in office cabinets after shooting up, etc. I don't mean to drag you back into these recollections or to mire you in them. I'm saying that most other people wouldn't have been able to climb out of those same quagmires. Thus such recovery speaks to your personality and resilience. I'm most likely never going to meet you and don't expect to, but I do respect you.

Among a lot of others here, my primary drug sins are far in the past. That doesn't mean that we can't keep them as lessons for continual growth. Yeah, a double negative, bite my ass :p
 
Thank you SirTop!

I still miss it occasionally and have created ways to deal with 'rainy days'. Perhaps this entire fight with addiction has made me think differently. I guess what I am trying to say is that at the end we all struggle, not necessarily every day but a lot. Family has been torn apart so many times and I feel I badly need to reconcile with most of them and still manage to make an example to my youngest, who is an exceptional human being hopefully without so much of my DNA. I feel I can only move on, and forgiving my sins has been by far a great challenge to me. I can pretty much relate to most of us as we have gone through similar paths and this waking up only happened after a lot of failured attempts to be well, that's why I believe in recovery. Despite of our affinities with drugs we do grow in different ways, even during our darkest days.
 
Meh, that bill can wait. I need to avoid withdrawals and get high. Change the oil in the car? Sorry honey I'm a bit to stoned I'll have to do it later. Dad will you play with me? Sure babe, give me just a few minutes as I'm nodding off right now then a few minutes turns in to never. I'll be damned if anyone or anything will get in the way of me getting stoned.

Some of that was a bit of an exaggeration but it wasn't that far off. I've had to make some adjustments as my habit grows. I hope I never reach the point that I become 100% useless. If I do reach that point will I have the will power to do the right thing and walk away from oxy. Only time will tell.
 
I remember when I procrastinated just about everything, even taking a shower or putting the trash out required immense energy. To be quite honest I never thought I could have made it. But you are right, time will tell. That will probably be a moment when you'll figure that being sober deserves will make more sense. Some folks often told me I would even do that by choice or because the pain, so to speak. I think it was a bit of both for me.
 
Erikmen said:
I remember when I procrastinated just about everything, even taking a shower or putting the trash out required immense energy. To be quite honest I never thought I could have made it. But you are right, time will tell. That will probably be a moment when you'll figure that being sober deserves will make more sense. Some folks often told me I would even do that by choice or because the pain, so to speak. I think it was a bit of both for me.
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I always do appreciate your words of wisdom. I take oxy first, as an addict, to get high. I take it secondly to control pain. This morning the pain is so bad every time I stand up I look like a damned weeble wobble lol. Sad situation.
 
So sorry to hear that gmlifer. I can relate with you in regards to pain issues I have had for so many years. For some time I was actually relived I had a motive to take pain meds. And that made me feel extreme confused.
 
Gotland in psych ward she's a keeper, girls a freak in the sack, feeling good, might b the bomb benzofuran with metocin n a lil 3-meo-pcp.....
 
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I remember having to accept getting my pain meds from an idiot racist and omitted saying how much I disliked his ideas and beliefs. Just the thought of people thinking I'd somehow related to this doctor made me quite embarrassed. That was a long time ago, I wonder if this had happened in current days.
 
I was working to that shitty company back then, and after many sunny days, there comes a cold,cloudy,nearly rainy day. For some reason, when this happens, my mood is fucking bad from the moment I open my eyes. So I was at work, but realy didn't feel like working, and I also wanted something to improve my mood. So I spent all day at work drinking beers.
I don't realy feel guilty about this "sin" though, cause I hate that boss.
 
9 years of clean meth, molly and Coke time after 12 years being a regular user/dealer and enjoyer.

3 years of unbearable chronic pain on top of 18 years of exercise controlled pain, I now have a full blown poly drug use life, everything is scripted now except the meth and weed which are free like usual but I don't have to sell it for it to be so.

Opiates, benzos, anti-depressants, Thyroxine, Testosterone, methyl amphetamine, nicotine and caffeine.

I'm fine with drugs, but they should be fun imo like the cherry on top of a good life. Now I use due to mental and physical conditions and find there is no fun in unwanted dependency and addiction.
 
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