-alone-

Come Here,
Stand in front of the light.
Stand Still,
So I can see your silouette.
I hope that you have got all night,
Cause I am not done looking at you...
Yet.
 
I love you Mel, with all of my heart. You will forever be my little sister.
I miss you.
 
Mel...I don't even know what to say.
But know this: You are loved, you are missed, you (both of you) touched my life, and because of you and Josh, I came to understand the definition of true love. That's something that will stay with me forever. And I feel honored to have borne witness firsthand to something so pure and so beautiful.
My heart goes out to you on this day, and every day.
~amary
 
Melissa, if only you could know how much i truly think of you on a daily basis. I hope someday soon, we get to see you...
I have nothing enlightening to say here, besides the fact that you are in my heart forever. We love you.
 
you were everything with him..but you are still you without him
a sad you, a lonely you, but still a melissa..which is good in and of itself
((mel))
 
...I'm having trouble today baby...
I'll be homeless come Saturday, and I dunno where to go or what to do... if you still exist in some form, please, please... tell me what to do, where to turn... I'm lost without you...
I'm nothing without you.
Nothing.
For the first time since your death, I dreamt of you last night. Perhaps it was the pain meds or the benzos, but whatever the reason, I saw you again, even if only in my dream. You were sick... I cleaned you up and then cried as you were whisked away from me... I followed you to where you were... we were in the middle of the desert, all alone, but safe and secure in the knowledge that we were together...
Was this a dream only? Or was this a message... you know all too well I would follow you to the ends of the earth and beyond...
I'm lost. I'm alone. I'm afraid. I need you. I need your guidance and help now more than ever.
I am so terrified right now.
 
melissa, i wish i could hug you right now, or come over and make some tea for you and be your shoulder to cry on. i wish i could tell you that it's all going to be okay, but i can't imagine what it must be like for you. i think about you a lot. i just wanted you to know that. love, barbie
 
when i'm having a rough day, or a bad streak of luck, or i'm worried about something, i find myself talking to josh too. its weird... i've lost a lot of people in my years, and he's the only one out of all of them that i never even met. but he's the first one i think to talk to. its this strong feeling that i know he's listening.
he'll hear you melissa.
 
Since Joshua died, every time I've posted to this thread it has been because my heart was breaking all over again... a memory had stirred, a recalled moment in time that made me feel as though I were falling apart, my world crumbling at my feet again, my self coming apart at the seams.
This is not one of those times, surprisingly. I'm currently taking a break from packing all of my worldly possessions as I'm moving tomorrow, off to greener pastures (even if they are frozen ones), going from one hellish state (NJ) to another (OH). But, on the upside, I do get to spend all my time with Sir Love Bandit and his lovely wife :)
Ok, ok so I'm not posting here in desperation or angst... so why AM I posting here? Because something just happened that made me laugh, in a bittersweet way, and I wanted to share that moment with those of you who show so much concern and care for me.
A bit of background: Joshua and I moved from Florida to Atlanta in March of 2002. Because we were staying with his family, about 90% of our belongings remained in boxes during our stay there, and those same boxes remained untouched during my stay here in New Jersey.
Well tonight I decided to repack those old boxes, to make them easier to handle and pack them more efficiently, seeing as how Josh did most of the packing the first time around, in Florida. What I discovered a few moments ago made me realize just how well taken care of that boy was... and what happened when he was left to his own devices. You see... I just opened up our microwave only to find a package of English Muffins stuffed inside. ONE YEAR OLD English Muffins. They look like some poor kids science project that went horribly, horribly wrong. This made me laugh... it was so like Josh to put things in the oddest places... he'd often times lose the TV remote only to find it in a cupboard or even in the refrigerator... *shakes head*
I thought repacking these boxes would be unbearable, as they are bringing back SO many memories of the life he and I shared. And yet, for some reason, I keep finding reasons to smile rather than cry. It's not just the moldy muffins either... it's finding again the things we picked out together when we got our own place... it's finding the cassette player we used while packing that first time in Florida with the cassette still inside, and listening to it while I pack again.
Does this mean I'm "moving on" - and I don't mean just to a different state - I dunno. But it's something that I've needed. This is the first time since he died that I've allowed myself to go through his things... I didn't think I could bear it, and yet here I am, laughing at the memory of his goofiness...
My last post to this thread was a desperate plea for help and guidance from him. I never expected to recieve a thing... yet here I am. Wonders never cease.
E-girl
he'll hear you melissa
...I think you just might be right about that.
Thank you... all of you. It is so much easier to type while smiling than while brushing away tears. :)
Melissa
Click to expand...
 
I won't even pretend that I'm not blissful to hear that you're going to stay with our Reedly. It's quite a decision you've made, and I'm fully aware of the implications of it. You're going to live again, then, and thank goodness for that love.

I may even have to go to Ohio now, although I swore it off before.... too many beautiful things in Ohio for me to stay away long.

Love you Mel.
 
Please tell me you threw those English Muffins away ;)

((MEL))
 
MELISSA

please get a hold of me ASAP,,,,, i sent an email to your addresses listed,,,

you are not alone girl,
 
harraser, Oopsz, L O V E L I F E, Dakeva

24.gif
Thank you - I love you guys :)

Dags

Still adjusting to those decisions (one is resolved, which brought me here, the other is on hiatus), but yeah, I'm here for now... a good portion of that decision making process was greatly helped out by the present company, so... thanks love :) We'll talk soon I hope? Sent you an email...

Crow

What are you kidding? I fed-ex'd them to Audie (they sorta look like chocolate chip cookies now... well... if chocolate chip cookies had a greenish tint to them, anyway) ;) I was telling someone about them and said that I hadn't laughed that hard since Josh's funeral... I forgot that he wasn't AT the funeral, so that probably didn't come out wight... er... RIGHT. ;)

Cherub

Got yer message... I'll email ASAP :)

-------------

Thanks guys... I love you all and by the way...

OHIO SUCKS ASS Yes, even MORE than New Jersey (didn't think it was possible). There is some comfort in knowing that Joshua is laughing his ass off at me I'm sure (two days before moving I wind up w/a kidney stone and a sprained ankle AND I'm not even smart enough to get any good painkillers for 'em) then move to OHIO (oh how I wince even to type that word...) I'm a walking catastrophe, I tell you. My only hope is that my propensity for bad luck will somehow spill over onto Reed and he'll get fired and have to move :D Of course, I'm kidding... any time spent with Sir Reedly is time well spent, regardless of the surroundings - as I'm sure all of the above know and agree with.

Hmmmm what else... oh! Now that entire Werenobi situation makes perfect sense to me... if I'd lived in this godforsaken state my whole life, I might growl at Dakeva, too 8) One less item on my "WTF List" of things I'd like to understand before I die *shrug*

*sigh* I miss you guys. Come visit? Puhleaaaeeaase?? Really, it's not THAT bad here, I was just um, exaggerating. =D

MUAH kiddies... thanks for making my day a whole lot better. I'm finally not feeling so alone these days... wierd... *shrug*

Melissa

PS No yelling at me for emoticon abuse.... this is the first time I've posted since the fantabulous new changes... Er.... mostly fantabulous changes... no more "Bluelight Crew"? I feel so... non-elitist. Oh well =D
--
...wish you were here sweetheart... missing you as always... love you forever...

.
 
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^^^
if you need to get out of hellhio you can come to ct anytime! its not great, but its better than there or joisey ;)

i think about you guys more than youll ever know.
*much love to you*
 
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