-alone-
- Thread starter SpeedLimit55
- Start date
beanergrl
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2000
- Messages
- 3,991
flower- i am so,so sorry. i read this thread along time ago and i just thought the reason it was so long was because it was such a good piece. today ,i decided to check why it was still going at 8 pages, and well, i'm just devastated for you. i wanted to say that i was very happy for you both when you moved to georgia. i thought it was cool that two people could find each other like this and it seemed as though you were going off for your future.
i read this the morning and it has stood out in my mind so i came back to post this. i loved how when he wrote he always had so much feeling in his words. and he took the time to let all the people he cared about know that he loved them.
flower, i know all we have with each other are a few lively debates, but you will be in my prayers now even though it comes late. may God give you all the peace and strength you need to get through this difficult time.
i read this the morning and it has stood out in my mind so i came back to post this. i loved how when he wrote he always had so much feeling in his words. and he took the time to let all the people he cared about know that he loved them.
flower, i know all we have with each other are a few lively debates, but you will be in my prayers now even though it comes late. may God give you all the peace and strength you need to get through this difficult time.
faithfully dangerous
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2002
- Messages
- 11,225
.bump.
Flower
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Oct 21, 1999
- Messages
- 2,131
One year ago today, you and I sat nervously, holding hands and giggling, as we waited our turn to be married in that tiny Florida courthouse chapel.
I remember the way you tenderly cupped my face in your big strong hands, looked deep into my eyes and asked me, "are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me?" I remember the tears welling up in my eyes in competition with the indescribable emotions welling up inside... the butterflies in my stomach fluttered around with a buzz of anxiety, exhilaration, awe, and above all else, overwhelming and unmatched love for you. I remember barely being able to mouth a silent, "yes" before your lips covered mine and your tender kiss melted away any small remnants of doubt that may have been lurking within that anxiety.
I remember holding hands under the ivy-speckled arch as we spoke our vows to each other. I remember our decision to change the typical, "until death do us part" to "for all of eternity" - as if a part of us knew somehow that we would be separated by that inevitable, final foe all too soon. I remember our first kiss as a married couple... and the way we giggled as we formed our new odd-sounding titles: husband and wife.
I remember the drive home... the way we knew that for perhaps the first time in both of our lives, we had made a decision based on a leap of faith that was so true, so right... so perfect that it left no room for doubt or regret. Perhaps it was the exhilaration we felt, or maybe just the fact that we were young and head over heels in love, but I recall not being able to keep our hands off each other as we left the car and started up the stairs to our apartment. You were so incredibly sweet as you lifted me up into your arms and carried me across the threshold... disrobing me along the way... I remember our lovemaking, as we consummated our newly formed nuptials. I remember how different it felt... so intense... perhaps it was that intensity that encouraged us to throw caution out the window... was it that very moment that we conceived our child?
While we both were unbelievably happy over our decision to wed, I believe you were more upset than I was that we weren't able to have the "perfect wedding" - it was, after all, your idea to hold a formal wedding and reception in one year, when we could afford to do so... you were so excited, wanting to plan the entire ceremony, only asking that I "show up and be beautiful as always."
That wedding ceremony and reception would have happened today. One year after our actual date of marriage was the plan... I admit that I too was excited over being able to share our joy and happiness with our family and friends, but never as concerned about it as you. You wanted only the best for me, and were determined to make sure I received that... you wanted me to have the perfect wedding that girls dream about.
I wish you were here so that I could tell you... that you would know that despite being unable to have a formal ceremony, a beautiful gown, and the chance to recite our vows again in the company of the people we held dear to us... I did have the perfect wedding. It was perfect because it was with you. To me, it never mattered if we followed tradition - all that mattered was that we were able to formalize our relationship and become as close in the eyes of the law and before God as we were in heart and spirit.
My darling... I love you with all my heart. I have since the day I first laid eyes on you, and I will love you until the end of time. I can't say that life has been easy since you left, or that every day I don't wake up in agonizing pain over your absence, but the life I did have with you, as short as it may have been, was worth every moment of this pain. Our marriage was like writing a story together, only ours was much too short, and I'll have to figure out how this will end all by myself.
I'm not sure how much longer I can endure this life without you, it is so very difficult to bear the thought that you no longer experience the worlds many pleasures and pains… its bittersweet rhythm that keeps us all pressing forward… it is indescribably difficult having to be without you; and this life without you is a life far more difficult to bear than any form of death could ever be. My pain is not wholly selfish... while I am bereft to being resigned to living in a world no longer graced by your presence, I am more so despondent that I failed you before you left this world. I will forever ache over the fact that your life was extinguished before I had the chance to truly let you know just how beautiful you were, and just what a gift that knowledge was.
I never had the chance to let you know that the excitement I felt over you never diminished with time – quite the contrary. Your last smile was the brightest I've ever witnessed; our last kiss was the sweetest ever. My stomach constantly filled with nervous agitation whenever your gaze fell upon me, as if it were the first time all over again. How I relished holding your hands, kissing your lips, not having to speak because you already knew what I was thinking. How I loved all that you were… passionate, virile, bright, strong, warm, fascinating, so distinctly male, unbelievably loving.
I am forever grateful that the last words I spoke to you were, "I love you" and yet, there is so much more I wish “I love you” could have expressed. If only it could have let you know that you were the reason that I woke up in the morning, that you were and are still the first thing I think about and the last thing I think about each and every day. If only that paltry phrase could have communicated just how much I trusted and loved you… far beyond what I ever thought possible. I wish it could have told you just how brilliant, kind, interesting, understanding, funny, talented, beautiful, and amazing you were, and how much you challenged me, and forced me to grow in every way conceivable. If only that tiny phrase conveyed, in no uncertain terms, how you filled me up completely, and that I trembled at the knowledge of how well we fit together: our bodies and our minds alike, as if perhaps we were one soul in two forms, finally united at last.
My life with you changed me at the very core. Through loving you, and being loved by you, I became the woman I was always meant to be. I have felt that slipping away every minute of every day since you've been gone... as if that part of me died along with you. In this lesson, as in all others, I've learned... being a widow is akin to hiking uphill with a full backpack... for the first few miles or so the sharp edges jab you in the ribs as you shoulder and attempt to readjust your load. Over time you shake it down and learn that while still heavy, you can carry it better so that it isn't poking you all of the time. This sort of pain and grief doesn't abide by the rules - there are those out there that speak of ludicrous notions like "closure" and "healing" but no amount of time can heal the wound of a broken heart. You don't learn to live with the pain - rather the pain becomes incorporated into who you are, it becomes a part of you forever, as does the heaviness of heart and despondence of spirit.
Early on in this journey, I made an attempt to reach out to other widows, and learned that for some the pain slowly eases... for others it remains constant but does not come as often. Then there are the ones like me... the ones for which the pain gets worse until a new pain is added to the old as one is tormented. For these unlucky few, despite all one does in an attempt to heal, to somehow sew up that gaping wound of loss it just keeps getting worse... we are the ones that realize that our spouses were luckier than us.
Life has become a cruel place for me, as one of the most constant facets of life has become glaringly apparent: everybody always loses everybody they love... yet we need to love them anyway... because there isn't anything else. I went through a very dark period of time just a few days ago, as I seriously considered just checking out and forgetting about all of this pain... I spoke to Amy, and we talked about reason and purpose... those things we never know we need to keep on driving us until we've lost them. You and I both wore our hearts on our sleeves; we both sacrificed and dedicated all of who we were for love. In you, with you, I discovered my reason for being, the intrigue and exaltation of our love drove me forever forward – it truly was my sole motivation, my sole purpose of this existence. I was blessed that this life had given me love, for it was that love that gave me life. Love was our purpose and through it we found our meaning. It drove us, motivated us, and gave us sense in this cruel world of senselessness. Nothing was too difficult to handle so long as we were together, there was nothing so insurmountable or painful that we could not overcome with each other by our sides. In losing you I lost what gave me purpose in life and in doing that lost myself along the way.
Now that you're gone, I wake up every day and it's a true struggle just to find a reason to get out of bed, nevertheless a reason to keep on going, to keep going through the motions until I'm finally allowed to leave this place of torment. I think that the hardest thing we as human beings have to come to grips with is that nothing lasts forever. Just when I thought my life was as perfect as it could ever be, "meaning" in my life was gone along with you on that terrible July morning. The universe is ferociously indifferent to death... I've found it difficult to believe that we are any different from anything else that lives, and then dies. Many people, based on their various beliefs and theories hold onto that illusion that something matters, that there is some sort of plan or purpose to all of this, so much larger than us that we are unable to grasp the meaning in it all. I used to be one of those people. Nowadays, I tend to fall on the belief that perhaps the only "meaning" in life is the possibility of love and connectedness with other people... at least I know that was the meaning in our lives, and I am grateful for every day we were able to experience that with each other. At least we had that, if only for a short while. At least I got to know you baby... at least I got to hold you... to love you. What's that old cliché? It is better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all...
My love for you was and still remains all encompassing, it is the one thing that has not been torn away from me with your departure from this world. I would have and still would surrender anything for you, gladly, as I am devoted to you right down to the very core of my being. I am in this for eternity, my life joined with yours through love, sacrifice, and commitment, forever. Together we went through difficult times… our lives often filled with trials that tested our inner strength, and more importantly, our devotion and love for one another. I want you to know that I do believe true love to be boundless and immeasurable… I believe it can overcome all forms of adversity – even death, and when it is genuine, will only grow stronger with each assault upon its existence.
For the rest of my life, and further than that if there is indeed anything beyond this world, I promise you will have my undying and everlasting love. My devotion to you has always been eternal, and would exist even if you had not loved me in return, though admittedly, the knowledge that you did love me makes my entire dedication that much sweeter and poignant. The remembrance of your love for me is a gift itself that I will never fully believe myself worthy of. With pleasure I would renounce all that is here and all that may lie beyond the grave for you... Though your absence has gone through me like a threaded needle through my soul, everything I am having been stitched with its color, I have no regrets surrounding the life we shared, save one: that it was over far too soon. It is that fact that drives my new, far darker motivation... to join you wherever you are, even if that is nowhere at all.
In this struggle I am alone and lost; you are no longer here to support me, to help me through this struggle, to give me your blinding, uncompromising love that always led me through my darkest moments. Holding on and hanging in there are viewed by many as signs of great strength... I'm at a crossroads now where I'm beginning to believe that there are times when it takes far greater strength to just let go... with being with you and our child as a goal, I could be strong enough to let go... I just wish I knew the right thing to do, I wish I could ask you what your hopes were for me, I wish so many things... One year ago today you asked me if I would love you for the rest of my life, and I wish you were still here and could know the answer to that question is still unequivocably yes... the only question before me now is how much longer that will be.
Happy anniversary, baby… I love you with all my heart and with every fiber of my very being, Joshua. I will love you through all of eternity.
Your babygirl, forever... Lissa
I remember the way you tenderly cupped my face in your big strong hands, looked deep into my eyes and asked me, "are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me?" I remember the tears welling up in my eyes in competition with the indescribable emotions welling up inside... the butterflies in my stomach fluttered around with a buzz of anxiety, exhilaration, awe, and above all else, overwhelming and unmatched love for you. I remember barely being able to mouth a silent, "yes" before your lips covered mine and your tender kiss melted away any small remnants of doubt that may have been lurking within that anxiety.
I remember holding hands under the ivy-speckled arch as we spoke our vows to each other. I remember our decision to change the typical, "until death do us part" to "for all of eternity" - as if a part of us knew somehow that we would be separated by that inevitable, final foe all too soon. I remember our first kiss as a married couple... and the way we giggled as we formed our new odd-sounding titles: husband and wife.
I remember the drive home... the way we knew that for perhaps the first time in both of our lives, we had made a decision based on a leap of faith that was so true, so right... so perfect that it left no room for doubt or regret. Perhaps it was the exhilaration we felt, or maybe just the fact that we were young and head over heels in love, but I recall not being able to keep our hands off each other as we left the car and started up the stairs to our apartment. You were so incredibly sweet as you lifted me up into your arms and carried me across the threshold... disrobing me along the way... I remember our lovemaking, as we consummated our newly formed nuptials. I remember how different it felt... so intense... perhaps it was that intensity that encouraged us to throw caution out the window... was it that very moment that we conceived our child?
While we both were unbelievably happy over our decision to wed, I believe you were more upset than I was that we weren't able to have the "perfect wedding" - it was, after all, your idea to hold a formal wedding and reception in one year, when we could afford to do so... you were so excited, wanting to plan the entire ceremony, only asking that I "show up and be beautiful as always."
That wedding ceremony and reception would have happened today. One year after our actual date of marriage was the plan... I admit that I too was excited over being able to share our joy and happiness with our family and friends, but never as concerned about it as you. You wanted only the best for me, and were determined to make sure I received that... you wanted me to have the perfect wedding that girls dream about.
I wish you were here so that I could tell you... that you would know that despite being unable to have a formal ceremony, a beautiful gown, and the chance to recite our vows again in the company of the people we held dear to us... I did have the perfect wedding. It was perfect because it was with you. To me, it never mattered if we followed tradition - all that mattered was that we were able to formalize our relationship and become as close in the eyes of the law and before God as we were in heart and spirit.
My darling... I love you with all my heart. I have since the day I first laid eyes on you, and I will love you until the end of time. I can't say that life has been easy since you left, or that every day I don't wake up in agonizing pain over your absence, but the life I did have with you, as short as it may have been, was worth every moment of this pain. Our marriage was like writing a story together, only ours was much too short, and I'll have to figure out how this will end all by myself.
I'm not sure how much longer I can endure this life without you, it is so very difficult to bear the thought that you no longer experience the worlds many pleasures and pains… its bittersweet rhythm that keeps us all pressing forward… it is indescribably difficult having to be without you; and this life without you is a life far more difficult to bear than any form of death could ever be. My pain is not wholly selfish... while I am bereft to being resigned to living in a world no longer graced by your presence, I am more so despondent that I failed you before you left this world. I will forever ache over the fact that your life was extinguished before I had the chance to truly let you know just how beautiful you were, and just what a gift that knowledge was.
I never had the chance to let you know that the excitement I felt over you never diminished with time – quite the contrary. Your last smile was the brightest I've ever witnessed; our last kiss was the sweetest ever. My stomach constantly filled with nervous agitation whenever your gaze fell upon me, as if it were the first time all over again. How I relished holding your hands, kissing your lips, not having to speak because you already knew what I was thinking. How I loved all that you were… passionate, virile, bright, strong, warm, fascinating, so distinctly male, unbelievably loving.
I am forever grateful that the last words I spoke to you were, "I love you" and yet, there is so much more I wish “I love you” could have expressed. If only it could have let you know that you were the reason that I woke up in the morning, that you were and are still the first thing I think about and the last thing I think about each and every day. If only that paltry phrase could have communicated just how much I trusted and loved you… far beyond what I ever thought possible. I wish it could have told you just how brilliant, kind, interesting, understanding, funny, talented, beautiful, and amazing you were, and how much you challenged me, and forced me to grow in every way conceivable. If only that tiny phrase conveyed, in no uncertain terms, how you filled me up completely, and that I trembled at the knowledge of how well we fit together: our bodies and our minds alike, as if perhaps we were one soul in two forms, finally united at last.
My life with you changed me at the very core. Through loving you, and being loved by you, I became the woman I was always meant to be. I have felt that slipping away every minute of every day since you've been gone... as if that part of me died along with you. In this lesson, as in all others, I've learned... being a widow is akin to hiking uphill with a full backpack... for the first few miles or so the sharp edges jab you in the ribs as you shoulder and attempt to readjust your load. Over time you shake it down and learn that while still heavy, you can carry it better so that it isn't poking you all of the time. This sort of pain and grief doesn't abide by the rules - there are those out there that speak of ludicrous notions like "closure" and "healing" but no amount of time can heal the wound of a broken heart. You don't learn to live with the pain - rather the pain becomes incorporated into who you are, it becomes a part of you forever, as does the heaviness of heart and despondence of spirit.
Early on in this journey, I made an attempt to reach out to other widows, and learned that for some the pain slowly eases... for others it remains constant but does not come as often. Then there are the ones like me... the ones for which the pain gets worse until a new pain is added to the old as one is tormented. For these unlucky few, despite all one does in an attempt to heal, to somehow sew up that gaping wound of loss it just keeps getting worse... we are the ones that realize that our spouses were luckier than us.
Life has become a cruel place for me, as one of the most constant facets of life has become glaringly apparent: everybody always loses everybody they love... yet we need to love them anyway... because there isn't anything else. I went through a very dark period of time just a few days ago, as I seriously considered just checking out and forgetting about all of this pain... I spoke to Amy, and we talked about reason and purpose... those things we never know we need to keep on driving us until we've lost them. You and I both wore our hearts on our sleeves; we both sacrificed and dedicated all of who we were for love. In you, with you, I discovered my reason for being, the intrigue and exaltation of our love drove me forever forward – it truly was my sole motivation, my sole purpose of this existence. I was blessed that this life had given me love, for it was that love that gave me life. Love was our purpose and through it we found our meaning. It drove us, motivated us, and gave us sense in this cruel world of senselessness. Nothing was too difficult to handle so long as we were together, there was nothing so insurmountable or painful that we could not overcome with each other by our sides. In losing you I lost what gave me purpose in life and in doing that lost myself along the way.
Now that you're gone, I wake up every day and it's a true struggle just to find a reason to get out of bed, nevertheless a reason to keep on going, to keep going through the motions until I'm finally allowed to leave this place of torment. I think that the hardest thing we as human beings have to come to grips with is that nothing lasts forever. Just when I thought my life was as perfect as it could ever be, "meaning" in my life was gone along with you on that terrible July morning. The universe is ferociously indifferent to death... I've found it difficult to believe that we are any different from anything else that lives, and then dies. Many people, based on their various beliefs and theories hold onto that illusion that something matters, that there is some sort of plan or purpose to all of this, so much larger than us that we are unable to grasp the meaning in it all. I used to be one of those people. Nowadays, I tend to fall on the belief that perhaps the only "meaning" in life is the possibility of love and connectedness with other people... at least I know that was the meaning in our lives, and I am grateful for every day we were able to experience that with each other. At least we had that, if only for a short while. At least I got to know you baby... at least I got to hold you... to love you. What's that old cliché? It is better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all...
My love for you was and still remains all encompassing, it is the one thing that has not been torn away from me with your departure from this world. I would have and still would surrender anything for you, gladly, as I am devoted to you right down to the very core of my being. I am in this for eternity, my life joined with yours through love, sacrifice, and commitment, forever. Together we went through difficult times… our lives often filled with trials that tested our inner strength, and more importantly, our devotion and love for one another. I want you to know that I do believe true love to be boundless and immeasurable… I believe it can overcome all forms of adversity – even death, and when it is genuine, will only grow stronger with each assault upon its existence.
For the rest of my life, and further than that if there is indeed anything beyond this world, I promise you will have my undying and everlasting love. My devotion to you has always been eternal, and would exist even if you had not loved me in return, though admittedly, the knowledge that you did love me makes my entire dedication that much sweeter and poignant. The remembrance of your love for me is a gift itself that I will never fully believe myself worthy of. With pleasure I would renounce all that is here and all that may lie beyond the grave for you... Though your absence has gone through me like a threaded needle through my soul, everything I am having been stitched with its color, I have no regrets surrounding the life we shared, save one: that it was over far too soon. It is that fact that drives my new, far darker motivation... to join you wherever you are, even if that is nowhere at all.
In this struggle I am alone and lost; you are no longer here to support me, to help me through this struggle, to give me your blinding, uncompromising love that always led me through my darkest moments. Holding on and hanging in there are viewed by many as signs of great strength... I'm at a crossroads now where I'm beginning to believe that there are times when it takes far greater strength to just let go... with being with you and our child as a goal, I could be strong enough to let go... I just wish I knew the right thing to do, I wish I could ask you what your hopes were for me, I wish so many things... One year ago today you asked me if I would love you for the rest of my life, and I wish you were still here and could know the answer to that question is still unequivocably yes... the only question before me now is how much longer that will be.
Happy anniversary, baby… I love you with all my heart and with every fiber of my very being, Joshua. I will love you through all of eternity.
Your babygirl, forever... Lissa