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Addicted and want out.. Advice needed.

Nakifantaki said:
Well... in about 8 hours it will be Day 13. Still haven't taken any opiates. Legs were a bit better today but seem to be getting worse right about now. Work was okay. Even brought a few percs to work with me with 100% intention of using and I didn't. I was able to manage and get by. That's really the only plan I got at the moment... and if one day I have a lapse in judgment then that's what happens. I cannot predict the future, I can only predict right now. I need to figure out ways for this brain of mine to produce endorphins again! I was never a depressed person before, but this shit right here is fucking DEPRESSION. Hopelessness... it's all kinds of fucked up. But I beat opiates and PAWS so far today so to me - that's a win
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Naki, have you thought about getting on kratom for a few months until the leg WD's go away??

If you're worried about kratom addiction, yes it can be for some people, but the WD's from that stuff is a piece of cake compared to all the other opiates. I am fairly positive kratom can get rid of those leg pains you have (or at least lessen them)
 
How are feeling today?

I think I remember every hour of the long days I had been fighting with restlessness and all the sad things but this is all of the drug coming out of your body. Soon this will be over and you'll probably have different concerns. My point is that it passes rather quickly. You'll be tempted to stop or give it a break, I say you do it once an for all.

Keep us posted!
 
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Fresco said:
Naki, have you thought about getting on kratom for a few months until the leg WD's go away??

If you're worried about kratom addiction, yes it can be for some people, but the WD's from that stuff is a piece of cake compared to all the other opiates. I am fairly positive kratom can get rid of those leg pains you have (or at least lessen them)
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I have thought much of kratom. Actually last week I did some digging and learned a lot about it. However it was just another thing to add to what I was already taking and I decided one less thing would be best. I think I'll pass on the kratom... I see it being an issue for me down the line...
 
Erikmen said:
How are feeling today?


I think I remember every hour of the long days I had been fighting with restlessness and all the sad things but this is all of the drug coming out of your body. Soon this will be over and you'll probably have different concerns. My point is that it passes rather quickly. You'll be tempted to stop or give it a break, I say you do it once an for all.

Keep us posted!
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Hi Erik,

If you read up a few posts, I did a quick post about my day today and where I am...

How am I today?

I guess my answer would be " I don't know, but I know that I'm OK right now and for probably the night." "Tomorrow - who knows"
My legs felt better today, but as of right now they are killing me. I seem to be way better in the mornings and early afternoons... eighth around 2 or 3pm I get super restless and angry and just overall blah. Then the night just progresses. I am unable to sleep in my bed because it is so damn uncomfortable so I have been sleeping on the couch.
I haven't used any gabapentin today...and have only taken .5mg of Xanax. Might take another .5mg if I can sleep. I'm still trying to "knock myself out at night" Still smoking a little weed when not at work...
I wake up in the morning and TRY to be normal. Eat a healthy breakfast, always with a banana and then go to work. And then it's legit hour by hour from there. Today I did go and I am proud of myself. Tomorrow I might not be that lucky. But the fact that when I wake up tomorrow I will be well into my 13th day clean.. and that helps me stay positive.. for now.

PAWS is setting in and it's hard. Mentally it's the worst thing like this that I've been through.
 
Nakifantaki said:
I have thought much of kratom. Actually last week I did some digging and learned a lot about it. However it was just another thing to add to what I was already taking and I decided one less thing would be best. I think I'll pass on the kratom... I see it being an issue for me down the line...
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Thats fine. If you're not comfortable with it then dont do it!!

Cheers!!
 
What a rough fucking journey man. It really is every minute with this crap. Physically I think I'm feeling a TINY better each day. It seems as I have caught the non opiate cold now. Lol. All minor though I guess.
Mentally... this is a BITCH. Work is rough... it's hard to be there. It's hard to socialize. It's hard to sit there with nothing to do sometimes. All I can think about is how much long I can last till I have to leave and go home and smoke some herb and get in my hot tub. It's a constant positive then negative process in my head... round and round... all day long. It's exhausting. I didn't use today and I was so close to throwing in the towel. Saying fuck it! I want this over! But I stayed on the right side of things. Maybe tomorrow will be different... one day at a time.

The negative shit that I have come up with in my head is fucking nuts. I have never felt this way before. Luckily my therapist had a cancelation this Friday, so I can talk to her then... hopeing maybe she can help?

I find music helpful a lot of the time... but then sometimes it's just annoying because I can't find the "right" song to listen too. Ugh. Talk about first world problems.. I should be ashamed of myself.

If I manage to stay clean until I go to sleep, I will have made it to my 14 day mark. 2 weeks. Do I have anymore weeks in me? Who knows...
 
You are really strong, Naki. Ask your therapist about CBT and mindfulness techniques that you can use to fight back against the negative thoughts. It works pretty well when you stick with it long enough to expose the habitual thinking as nothing more than a learned perception in your own head. For instance look at the monumental difference in these two questions:
"Why I am such a loser?" as opposed to, "Why do I always default to telling myself I am a loser?" One puts you helpless and out of control and one puts you firmly back in control.

Congratulations on 14 days. They have been hard but look back at them now and you can see that the feeling that you may have had each day that it was impossible (to not use) simply was not true. It was possible and it still is!<3
 
Thanks guys. Like I said before your words make this a whole lot easier! I called off work today... turns out I have a raging cold.. and it's not even from the damn opiates. I feel like I'm being punished extra... but at least I can stay home today and keep my mind busy... or sleep it off. Lol. I was never a sleeper before... maybe 6 hours a night tops... now I have been sleeping for 10-12 a night. Today will be just like all the others.. one day at a time.

I have a issue though. I go back to my pain doctor next Tuesday. I'm not ready to give up my monthly script... I don't know why, I'm just not. I guess I would just like to maybe have a nice stock in case something happens? Maybe that's the addict talking... anyways they drug test me when I'm there and I won't be positive for opiates. How can I get around this... can I take one 10mg perocet the day before and be test positive? Will that one pill send me back into withdrawls again? It would be almost 3 weeks clean at that point...

Any ideas?
 
What a LONG day. I should of just gone to fucking work. Just got back from a mile walk... been trying to do things around the house and stay busy... this mental roller coaster SUCKS.
 
Stay strong Naki!!! The minute you eat that left-over Oxy pill is the minute you're going down that same addict road again. No way will you be able to resist taking that 2nd oxy (and a 3rd, 4th, 5th......etc.......etc).

Thats juts my personal opinion, I could be wrong
 
I'm sure you are right. It's just hard knowing that just taking an oxy isn't an option anymore. I have mass amounts of hardware in my neck now... I wish I never got addicted in the first place. My wife man... she has been scripted the same dose as me for twice as long! And she has been able to use them responsibly and only went she 100% needs them. I wish I could get back to that point..
 
I was taking a half gram of b and/or 8mg subs for the past year.... I didn't think I could stop but 2 weeks ago I said fuck it and kicked cold turkey.... the first night really sucked , I didn't sleep at all. ... the 2nd night I took some phenibut and melotonin and slept through the withdrawal, by the 3rd day I was basically through it,,,, it's like Keith Richards says ... 3 days of being sick and your more or less done
 
I don't agree with that man. Yea maybe 3 days of the WORST physical stuff is done! But it's been 15 days for me and the mental aspect is the hardest thing for me. Mental fog, depression, roller coaster of emotions. The whole PAWS thing is way worse then the actual 3-4 day physically withdrawl.

But... I must pick myself up and go to work today... not sure how I'm feeling yet... but I have no choice other then to just go and ride it out today. I will be equip with my headphones and a few gabapentin if I so decide I need them.

Really wish my brain would get better already..
 
Awareness and patience!;) Just keep reminding yourself that this is something you must inevitable go through--which means there is another side and an inevitable exit. Maybe work will actually help and be a distraction? Anyway, good luck with the day.<3
 
Herb... your words of encouragement are really amazing. They have been helpful many times in the past 15 days and I thank you for that.

I'm at work now... 2pm... and that's when I really start to sink. I really do much better in the morning. PAWS seems to hit me later in the afternoon and evening. Sucks.
This ongoing battle in head... over and over... it's madding. And while i do feel I am getting a TINY bit better everyday, it's so gradual that it's frustrating. It's like my mind is teasing me... it shows me my old self, my better self for awhile.. and then the negative comes out and tells me to use. Tells me I'm a horrible person. Tells me I'm worthless and I should just give up the fight.... I haven't given up yet.. but how will I fair tomorrow?

I see my theripst tomorrow afternoon and I'm hoping she can give me some good insight on things.

I hope y'all are having a good day.
 
Nakifantaki- I hope you are getting better at pulling yourself out of the funk. Mindfulness is wonderful way to rewire your brain to think more positively. My son was suicidal and mindfulness (which is taught as part of the CBT that Herbavore was talking about) is all about stopping the negative thought, distracting your brain with something, usually physical like snapping a rubber band on your wrist, and changing the thought. It is very powerful and saved my sons life. What I just described is very, very basic. We had to make a plan for my son, often reminding him that he needed to take a moment and rethink. Now, he is a healthier happier 16 year old. He dropped back into the funk in July, and we forgot to use the tools that he was given. As a result he tail-spined, once we remembered it got better quickly. I am thankful everyday for the therapist that taught him these tools.

Stay strong! grsh
 
Thanks GHRS... I appreciate your kind words. More then you know. All of you who have responded to my whiney ass posts - I am forever in your debt. Thank you.
I went to my theripst today and we did talk about come CBT techniques. In the past CBT has not been an effective type of therapy for me, but today it made more sense. Really we just focused on the fact that I need to be nicer to myself. Stop beating myself up. While that's hard to do I'm going to try and focus on that.
Again... one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I didn't use today and tomorrow when I wake up I will be 17 days clean. Whatever tomorrow brings might set that back to day 1.... who knows. I can only take it hour by hour at the point. I am trying though. I'm trying to not be a lazy POS... I'm trying to get out and walk and exercise and be active... I'm trying to eat better...TRY is all I got at this point.

I'm finding that I'm just fucking bored... not sure how to make that go away..
 
Tonight is hard. Seems as if some of the physical stuff has crept back. RLS and anxiety is killing me tonight. Craving HARD. So strange because I was SO postive earlier. Sigh. I guess that's just how this whole thing goes... constant back and forth. Normal brain fighting with addicted brain.
 
i was having really bad RLS from anxiety and seroquel made it worse. have you tried requip?? also tizanidine, vistaril and clonadine worked to help with that
 
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