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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Addicted and want out.. Advice needed.

herbavore said:
You are developing these skills in recovery but really they are life skills. Life can and does throw most of us around--it is very good to know how to live for the moment, in the moment. Just keep rewarding yourself with the thought that this is the mental equivalent of two intense hours at the gym!;)
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This!
 
Thanks guys. Your words really mean a lot. Starting over again tomorrow. Hoping I didn't sign myself up for another weekend in hell as far as withdrawl and PAWS go. Only time will tell.

It's hard for me not to beat myself up because I know better, but at the same time I'm really trying to remind myself to be nice to myself. This whole self-hate thing is very new to me and I'm just trying to find a way to cope.
 
Wish you the best of luck! Keep posting, if you can. Remember that you can do this!!
Take care,
Erik
 
Erikmen said:
I feel that the warm feeling of safety is there, even if it is only Kratom. I totally get your message though, I can relate to that.

In one of my rehabs, I met this great person who couldn't live without MJ. First thing in the morning, last thing in the day for a lot of years more than 16+ years. He wasn't an alcoholic, never used opiates, and the first time he experienced the benefit of benzodiazepines was in this place we were, in incredibly low doses. My point is that every one has a ' weak' spot. And his was weeds
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Good for him! I live by the theory that whatever works and makes you happy you should stick with that.
And whatever makes you miserable you should run away from.

Works for me!! :D
 
It seems like I must do this song and dance a few more times before I get it right. Used another single perc last night. Fighting HARD to not use another one tonight. I really understand the saying now... the hardest part isn't getting clean - it's staying clean. Totally get it now.

While I know these tiny low dose relapses aren't a HUGE deal and won't cause horrible withdrawl I still need to stop taking them completely because the mental aspect after a few days is horrible.

I am going to try my best not to use tonight!
 
I failed... again. Took another single pill again tonight. I have no excuse. I am an addict. I can only hope I can stay clean tomorrow. Sigh. I was doing SO well...
Using 3 nights in a row is really going to hurt me. It's strange though.. it seems that these little 10mg nightly doses carry on until the next day and I don't start feeling the RLS and other mild withdrawl symptoms until about 24 hours later. In the past it was about 6 hours.

I have a question about gabapentin. Since my initial withdrawl last month I have been take 300mg of gabapentin every morning and it helps. I'm wondering if I take more maybe it will help me to stay clean? Maybe it will take away most if not all of the annoying mild withdrawl stuff...
My question is what dose should I be aiming for to get the best results out of this gabapentin?
 
I l failed... again. Took another single pill again tonight. I have no excuse. I am an addict. I can only hope I can stay clean tomorrow. Sigh. I was doing SO well...
Using 3 nights in a row is really going to hurt me. It's strange though.. it seems that these little 10mg nightly doses carry on until the next day and I don't start feeling the RLS and other mild withdrawl symptoms until about 24 hours later. In the past it was about 6 hours.

I have a question about gabapentin. Since my initial withdrawl last month I have been take 300mg of gabapentin every morning and it helps. I'm wondering if I take more maybe it will help me to stay clean? Maybe it will take away most if not all of the annoying mild withdrawl stuff...
My question is what dose should I be aiming for to get the best results out of this gabapentin?
 
^^^^^ thats because the longer you've done opiates, the earlier withdrawal sets in
 
I think you could take that gabapentin 2 or 3 times a day. Its frequently dosed like this and really safe as far as overdosing, which 900mg certainly isnt. People have taken like 30 GRAMS and lived.
 
Kittycat5 said:
I think you could take that gabapentin 2 or 3 times a day. Its frequently dosed like this and really safe as far as overdosing, which 900mg certainly isnt. People have taken like 30 GRAMS and lived.
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Right - so I was wondering if I could take 600mg 2 or 3 times a day? Will taking 2 doses at once effect me any better? I don't want to over do it if there's no real benefit ya know. Thanks Kitty!
 
It has a funny absorption pattern where taking more actually decreases bioavailability but pretty sure single doses at 600mg 2 to 3 times a day is any cause for worry and should help.
 
So here is where I'm at...
I have been taking 10mg of oxycodone nightly around 8pm for the past few nights. It's strange because with that little of a dose the afterglow lasting well into the next day. It's right around 8pm the next night where I start getting the achy legs and crawly skin feeling... but usually thoughout the day I feel fine. I know this is a slippery slope but I can't seem to shake it. I know I really need to put in another full week or 2 clean but it's so hard. I'm really going to try to NOT use tomorrow evening. I know I keep failing at it but all I can do is to keep trying. My addict mind tells me that only 10mg compared to the 60-80mg I was taking before isn't a huge deal... but cmon I know it is. We all know it is.
Mostly I just want and crave that calm feeling at night. The feeling where my legs don't have to move every few seconds.
I have been using a little bit of MJ to help but I can't use it 24/7... it just makes me so anxious if I smoke too much.

I need that push again.. the push to get me committed to being really clean from opiates.
 
Nakifantaki said:
So here is where I'm at...
I have been taking 10mg of oxycodone nightly around 8pm for the past few nights. It's strange because with that little of a dose the afterglow lasting well into the next day. It's right around 8pm the next night where I start getting the achy legs and crawly skin feeling... but usually thoughout the day I feel fine. I know this is a slippery slope but I can't seem to shake it. I know I really need to put in another full week or 2 clean but it's so hard. I'm really going to try to NOT use tomorrow evening. I know I keep failing at it but all I can do is to keep trying. My addict mind tells me that only 10mg compared to the 60-80mg I was taking before isn't a huge deal... but cmon I know it is. We all know it is.
Mostly I just want and crave that calm feeling at night. The feeling where my legs don't have to move every few seconds.
I have been using a little bit of MJ to help but I can't use it 24/7... it just makes me so anxious if I smoke too much.

I need that push again.. the push to get me committed to being really clean from opiates
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You're being too hard on yourself, Naki.

Way, way too hard on yourself
 
Naki, you're doing a great job! I know how tough it is, even when it's down to the low amounts. I totally understand how you want to be completely free from them, but you continue to take a fractional dose of your normal amount. I'm kinda in the same boat with you with respect to that. I went several days off everything, but I caved yesterday and bought some hydro 10's. I'd grouted two bathrooms and tore down a 10x8 room frame while working on getting my house for sale. I was just so sore and I haven't been sleeping more than 4-5 hours a night. So I feel kinda guilty that I didn't just stay the course, but I slept like 9-10 hours last night which was needed soooo much.

I guess that's just a long way of saying don't lose sight of the big picture, because you've made so much great progress. Kicking 10mg/day is going to be significantly easier than where you started this process. If you can't go completely off right now, focus your energy on not ever taking more than that 10mg a day. That will at least keep you in a good position until you get that extra kick of drive to finish off the process.

Keep your head up!!! You deserve to!

-SK
 
Fresco said:
Good for him! I live by the theory that whatever works and makes you happy you should stick with that.
And whatever makes you miserable you should run away from.

Works for me!! :D
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That was not working for him, that's why he was there. Trying to beat his chronic addiction to something that was no longer beneficial to him. That was what I intended to say. Good that it works for you. It sucks that it doesn't for him...

It was his weakness, that was the point. Regardless of what type of drug you use, if it is making you unhappy and miserable and you can't stop doing it, I call it a problem.
 
stillkickin said:
Naki, you're doing a great job! I know how tough it is, even when it's down to the low amounts. I totally understand how you want to be completely free from them, but you continue to take a fractional dose of your normal amount. I'm kinda in the same boat with you with respect to that. I went several days off everything, but I caved yesterday and bought some hydro 10's. I'd grouted two bathrooms and tore down a 10x8 room frame while working on getting my house for sale. I was just so sore and I haven't been sleeping more than 4-5 hours a night. So I feel kinda guilty that I didn't just stay the course, but I slept like 9-10 hours last night which was needed soooo much.

I guess that's just a long way of saying don't lose sight of the big picture, because you've made so much great progress. Kicking 10mg/day is going to be significantly easier than where you started this process. If you can't go completely off right now, focus your energy on not ever taking more than that 10mg a day. That will at least keep you in a good position until you get that extra kick of drive to finish off the process.

Keep your head up!!! You deserve to!

-SK
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Indeed Naki. Keep your head up! As long as you feel you are progressing and knowing what you want. That's a good thing!
 
Thanks guys. I really needed to hear that.
I am too hard on myself and I know it. I just feel like if I'm not hard on myself then I will fall back into taking 6 or 8 pills a day.
I took 10mg again today. In 2 different 5mg doses. It seems like right around 20 hours is when I start feeling like crap and 5mg helps me to feel better. Sometimes I will do ANYTHING to get some relief on my legs and get a tiny bit of my energy back.

I want to be clean again. I'm just trying to figure out how to get there.

Thanks for your words everyone. They really mean a lot to me. More then you know.
 
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Still currently taking 10mg a day. 5mg around 5pm and the other 5mg around 10 or 11. I'm disappointed in myself but I'm trying not to be so hard on myself. I do fine pretty much all day at work but it seems once I get home those lingering WD feelings creep in and I just don't want to handle it.. RLS and the feeling that I wanna jump out of my skin is too much to handle. I feel like a wimp. I know I'm playing with fire but I'm at a loss of what to do. I almost feel like I need to block out 3-4 days of my life again and go through ALL of the physical withdrawl again.
I keep telling myself that 10mg a day is worlds better then where I was before.

One. Day. At. A. Time. Over and over and over again.
 
This really pains me Naki you're going through this, but especially that you're doing all this the hard way!!

The reason why you're relapsing is IMO because you're going through PAWS. This is where kratom comes in, you take kratom for 6 months to a year after you come off the opiates, and that takes care of PAWS so you barely (or dont at all) feel it.

Then when the year is up its a cinch to come off kratom.
Kratom withdrawals only last 4 to 5 days, and ZERO feelings of PAWS (for me at least). And bang, then you're done
 
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