• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Addicted and want out.. Advice needed.

Nakifantaki said:
Tonight is hard. Seems as if some of the physical stuff has crept back. RLS and anxiety is killing me tonight. Craving HARD. So strange because I was SO postive earlier. Sigh. I guess that's just how this whole thing goes... constant back and forth. Normal brain fighting with addicted brain.
Click to expand...

That's what it is exactly, your brain has changed & you have created different pathways & reward centers. You have to create new pathways - which is what you ARE doing believe it or not. It's going to be a journey out of this whole & since everyone's brains are wired so differently nobody can tell you exacts. But you have to have faith. Be strong & don't give in. You have made it this far & you deserve better bc the way you were living before was no way to live. I know that you may think the way you feel now is also no way to live either, but, you are wrong. This is the yellow brick road to better days. Through pain & suffering comes better days, you have to believe that.

Don't listen to that negative script in your head any longer, you should be very proud of the work you have been doing & will continue to do.
 
Unregi said:
That's what it is exactly, your brain has changed & you have created different pathways & reward centers. You have to create new pathways - which is what you ARE doing believe it or not. It's going to be a journey out of this whole & since everyone's brains are wired so differently nobody can tell you exacts. But you have to have faith. Be strong & don't give in. You have made it this far & you deserve better bc the way you were living before was no way to live. I know that you may think the way you feel now is also no way to live either, but, you are wrong. This is the yellow brick road to better days. Through pain & suffering comes better days, you have to believe that.

Don't listen to that negative script in your head any longer, you should be very proud of the work you have been doing & will continue to do.
Click to expand...

thanks for sharing your words.

right there with ya, naki.

stay strong.

<3
 
JoeTheStoner said:
thanks for sharing your words.

right there with ya, naki.

stay strong.

<3
Click to expand...

Thanks for all the love guys. Today is a down day...the last 2 days were much better. I have ZERO engery... lots of yawning.. RLS...

Day 17 and a half... I can only hope tomorrow is better.
 
Nakifantaki said:
Thanks for all the love guys. Today is a down day...the last 2 days were much better. I have ZERO engery... lots of yawning.. RLS...

Day 17 and a half... I can only hope tomorrow is better
Click to expand...
Remember bro, everything in life is ups and downs.

Focus on the ups, let go of the downs
 
Trying too. That's the goal man. Learning how to just "sit" with the down or negative feelings. It is SO hard not to use today. I'm trying to keep myself busy with small tasks and I'm forcing myself to get up and do them. I'm just not happy today... blah is the best way to describe it. It would be so easy to just pop a perc... but then I would blow my almost 18 days.. and I know the guilt will eat me up and I'm scared that just that ONE pill will put my ass back into physical withdrawl...

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Trying my absolute best to focus on the positive at the moment.
 
I'm an idiot. Still clean but an idiot none the less.. has anyone ever watched a movie called Candy? Heath Ledger is in it. Of course I have seen it before... and right as I was getting ready to go to sleep tonight I was watching some utube videos and came across the whole movie on Netflix. Smh... I know the whole story and I know the middle and the end. I know the pain in that movie. Ugh... of course I stayed up and watched the whole thing. Now I'm crying my eyes out at 130 in the morning and hoping that my wife someday doesn't leave me. Or maybe it's the fact that I think she deserves so much more then me...

Ugh I did it to myself.. I could of just went to sleep but instead I watched a triggering drug movie and now I'm all emotional.

I must like my own madness.

Anyways... I took a BIG glup of NyQuil and I'm going to try and sleep and HOPE that tomorrow was a better day then today.

One.Fucking.Day.At.A.Time.....
 
Thanks guys. I know it gets better.. I just gotta get there.

My therapist said to do something nice for myself.. so I'm sitting here getting a pedicure.. while it's nice and feels good I'm still struggling. I had to take 5mg of Valium just to come in here and I HATE Valium...

Hoping to get some better sleep tonight.. and when I wake up it will be 19 days. Gunna be a long week ahead...
 
And just like that.. a cloud was lifted... for the past 3-4 hours I have felt pretty good mentally. While I know it won't last I must really enjoy it and tell myself that this is what everyday can be like the further I get away from using. All I can do is ride this roller coaster ride until it stops I guess..

Sorry for all the whining... ?
 
Nakifantaki said:
....Sorry for all the whining... &#55357;&#56853;
Click to expand...

Hey, if you cannot whine to your heart's content on an anonymous drug forum, then the world is even shittier than I thought.=D Seriously, whining can be very much more destructive when held in, so let it out whenever you need to.
 
Thanks Herb. ?

Well. I caved. I took 5mg of oxycodone about an hour ago. The guilt sucks. But just that little 5mg relieved all the pressure that was building up inside of me the past 3 weeks. I will not take anymore. I'm not even going to look at this as a relapse, but more as an experiment on how I feel the next few days. Will I go back into withdrawl tomorrow? Should be interesting. At least if this 5mg throws me for a loop for the next week I will 100% know that this is just how it's going to be... I am not going to go through the physical and mental withdrawl over and over again. It's just not worth it...

I have my pain management appt tomorrow and I wanted to make sure I tested postive... I'm just not ready to give that script up yet... sad I know.

What do you guys think? I know I messed up... will I feel like utter crap tomorrow?
 
Nakifantaki said:
Thanks Herb. &#55357;&#56842;

Well. I caved. I took 5mg of oxycodone about an hour ago. The guilt sucks. But just that little 5mg relieved all the pressure that was building up inside of me the past 3 weeks. I will not take anymore. I'm not even going to look at this as a relapse, but more as an experiment on how I feel the next few days. Will I go back into withdrawl tomorrow? Should be interesting. At least if this 5mg throws me for a loop for the next week I will 100% know that this is just how it's going to be... I am not going to go through the physical and mental withdrawl over and over again. It's just not worth it...

I have my pain management appt tomorrow and I wanted to make sure I tested postive... I'm just not ready to give that script up yet... sad I know.

What do you guys think? I know I messed up... will I feel like utter crap tomorrow?
Click to expand...

You will be fine but don't be surprised that when you return to your previous uneasy state tomorrow that the cravings for that relief might be slightly intensified in the upcoming days.
 
I can handle that! It's actually pretty pathetic... I woke up this morning (before I dosed) and felt the best I have felt since the beggining of this withdrawl process... and yet today was the day I used... stupid.
 
That pill won't set you back, naki. Don't give it any power over you.
 
Nakifantaki said:
Thanks Herb. &#55357;&#56842;

Well. I caved. I took 5mg of oxycodone about an hour ago. The guilt sucks. But just that little 5mg relieved all the pressure that was building up inside of me the past 3 weeks. I will not take anymore. I'm not even going to look at this as a relapse, but more as an experiment on how I feel the next few days. Will I go back into withdrawl tomorrow? Should be interesting. At least if this 5mg throws me for a loop for the next week I will 100% know that this is just how it's going to be... I am not going to go through the physical and mental withdrawl over and over again. It's just not worth it...

I have my pain management appt tomorrow and I wanted to make sure I tested postive... I'm just not ready to give that script up yet... sad I know.

What do you guys think? I know I messed up... will I feel like utter crap tomorrow?
Click to expand...
You can go into withdrawal from one pill but it should be very very minor
 
I feel decent today. It's been about 24 hours since that 5mg and I have been okay today. The urge to use IS stronger now and I hate that but that's what I deserve. I will not use again for at least a week. I figure I can give myself one day a week maybe... the problem is I have all of this hardware in my neck and I still live with a bunch of pain...

I'm between a rock and a hard place I guess.
 
Nakifantaki said:
I feel decent today. It's been about 24 hours since that 5mg and I have been okay today. The urge to use IS stronger now and I hate that but that's what I deserve. I will not use again for at least a week. I figure I can give myself one day a week maybe... the problem is I have all of this hardware in my neck and I still live with a bunch of pain...

I'm between a rock and a hard place I guess.
Click to expand...

I was afraid you would say something like that.. It is a trap. That once a week using will slowly increase until you are fully dependent. I am afraid you are probably at the jumping off point. Most likely you will never be able to engage in controlled use again. You will either be all in or all out. There was obviously a reason you quit using the PK's in the first place and you will just reach that same point again in a matter of time.
 
I'm sure your right man. Trust me, I don't by any means think I'm above any other addict can just chip for the rest of my life. I know that it's really not possible. That's the problem with being an actual pain patient... I have to live the rest of my life with 6 screws and a metal plate in my neck. I'm not gunna lie - it's really hurts at times. This whole injury is how these pills entered my life. There are going to be times where IBU800 isn't going to help.
I have been doing lots of other things to try to minimize the pain.. yoga, swimming, trying to drop some pounds...

I guess knowing that im 32 years old and have to live the rest of my life with this huge injury is a bummer. Esp if I can never use an opiate again. The way I'm trying to look at it now is I will take them as my absolute last resort. And never then one single dose at a time. And never more then one day in a row.

To be honest I am scared shitless of having to go through that first 3 weeks of withdrawl again.... I don't know if I could do that to myself again. Time will tell I guess.
 
Naki, have you ever heard of DLPA?? That is something that might help your long-term pain
 
Fresco said:
Naki, have you ever heard of DLPA?? That is something that might help your long-term pain
Click to expand...

I have done lots of researching on DLPA in the past 18 months. I actually stated taking it BEFORE I ever started taking opiates. I never had any GREAT effects. However I have been thinking about trying it now since my surgery is over.

Maybe I'll grab some this weekend and give it a shot.
Thanks man... I almost forgot about that.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top