Addicted and want out.. Advice needed.

[Fresco]

I have done lots of researching on DLPA in the past 18 months. I actually stated taking it BEFORE I ever started taking opiates. I never had any GREAT effects. However I have been thinking about trying it now since my surgery is over.

Maybe I'll grab some this weekend and give it a shot.
Thanks man... I almost forgot about that

I have found that DLPA works better for me when I take the other full 22 amino acid complex along with it.
I'm not allowed to post brands, but you can buy free form amino acid complex for less than $25 a month on google.

Make sure it has all 22 aminos. The ones that are a mix between hydrolyzed whey, eggs or soy protein seem to work best

 

[Nakifantaki]

Well I caved again today and took another 5mg of oxy. Sigh. Should be interesting to see how I feel when I wake up in the morning... I took 5mg 2 days ago and another 5mg tonight. I guess compared to by 60-80mg daily dose I was taking before, 5mg isn't so bad.

I still need to figure out how to live my life completely off of the oxy. This is such a hard fucking battle. I have been talking a lot about it to my wife and she thinks that maybe a mood stablizer would help? Something like an SSRI I guess. Can anyone recommend one? I see my doctor next week and I can ask for one.

My anxiety is horrible when I'm not using. I always have had anxiety and panic issues, even before the oxy use but when I was on the oxy it seemed to make my anxiety MUCH better. Now without it I'm really struggling with it. It's hard to be social and enjoy outings because I feel so anxious and scared and just overall blah.

I am prescribed xanax and Ativan but I don't want to become dependent on that either... I don't want to switch one habit for another... I just need to figure out how to live life with not having the need to take any medication..

It's so fucking hard.

 

[mr peabody]

I need some advise. I need someone to push me down the correct path. Does anyone have a method that I should use?

Maybe have a look here:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/823455-Ibogaine-and-opiates-opioids

 

[Nakifantaki]

I feel like shit. Physically and mentally again. I'm so mad at myself. I used 5mg at night for the past 3 nights in a row... and here about 24 hours later I'm feeling withdrawl again. In really hoping it isn't as bad as it was last month when i quit. Sigh.. I can't believe I have to go through this again. Worst part is... I've done it to myself. I'm done. Completely done... I was really starting to slowly feel better clean too....

Fuck fuck fuck.

 

[somnilicious]

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement in my thread Nakifantaki. Hang in there. Redouble your efforts and use this as a learning experience. Like you said it is a marathon and not a sprint.

 

[Fresco]

I feel like shit. Physically and mentally again. I'm so mad at myself. I used 5mg at night for the past 3 nights in a row... and here about 24 hours later I'm feeling withdrawl again. In really hoping it isn't as bad as it was last month when i quit. Sigh.. I can't believe I have to go through this again. Worst part is... I've done it to myself. I'm done. Completely done... I was really starting to slowly feel better clean too....

Fuck fuck fuck

Dont beat yourself up. Relapsing is part of recovery.

I REALLY think you need to get on kratom though, that will keep you off the smack (hopefully permanently)

 

[Nakifantaki]

Dont beat yourself up. Relapsing is part of recovery.

I REALLY think you need to get on kratom though, that will keep you off the smack (hopefully permanently)

I'm so scared to try kratom. I feel like it will just be one more thing I become dependent on and addicted too...
I had a bad experience with spice back in the day and I know that kratom is different and natural but the whole fact that I can get it from a head shop just like spice freaks me out and remind me of the past. I know that sounds SO stupid.. ugh.

 

[Nakifantaki]

I am SO uncomfortable tonight. Physical withdrawl is mild but it's enough to bother and annoy me. Mentally right now I don't want to take any more opiates ever again. It's just not worth this torment. I cannot believe that just 20mg dosed in 5mg increments once a day for 4 days could set me so far back into withdrawl. I had 21 days clean prior. Smh... the lives we live. Sometimes it makes no sense.
I'm back to the mindset of one day at a time... hour at a time.. minute at a time..
I gave my wife all of my pills... all the percs..the OxyContin..the dillys... even the tramadol. I hate trams and I'm not desperate enough to take them but I have them to get anyways. Fuck it. Why not. I learned the lesson that I can't just use once and awhile and chip. I am an addict - I'm not above the law.

I know what I need to do. I need to get on some type of SSRI or mood stablizer for awhile until I level out from the PAWS. I need exercise and eat better. I need to keep busy. I need to push through the horrible fatigue and aches and pains.

Anyways... I am hoping tomorrow is a better day and these withdrawls go away quick. I don't know if I can handle another 2 weeks of feeling like shit. My wife and I are going mattress shopping tomorrow and I hope to get something that I can sleep better in. It's the little things that I have to look forward to in life I guess.

I feel like it's gunna be a long sleepless night. Love ya'll.

 

[InfoWhenever]

OP makes me feel selfish I stopped doing blues in '10 and I still take 4 mg/daily of Sub. But I did a lot more then 80/mg. At the end I was doing 10-15 30 mg daily.

 

[Fresco]

I'm so scared to try kratom. I feel like it will just be one more thing I become dependent on and addicted too...
I had a bad experience with spice back in the day and I know that kratom is different and natural but the whole fact that I can get it from a head shop just like spice freaks me out and remind me of the past. I know that sounds SO stupid.. ugh

Naki, out of all the opiate-like substances kratom is the easiest to withdraw from.

It's been a lifesaver for me

 

[Nakifantaki]

Well it's been 48 hours since my last dose.. I don't feel too horrible.. just achy and blah. Cravings come and go.. even when I'm doing something that I love to do I still find myself thinking about popping a pill.
One day at a time...

 

[Mafioso]

I don't mean to sound pessimistic but just be ready if things get worse over the next few days and last a few weeks.

Stay strong, reach out to people who can relate or understand. Stock up on food and supplies so you don't have to go shopping when/if you are damn near shitting yourself, feeling like your going to pass out, experiencing mild to sever agitation, and can not sleep. Get things that are simple to prepare and easy to choke down. I used to stock up on canned chicken noodle soup and Gatorade mostly as they won't go bad and are very easy to prepare and stomach.

Make sure to stay hydrated as well. Try to focus on times before your use that you felt truly happy, you can feel that way again and it will come with time. Let your body heal and adjust back to normal.

Best of luck

 

[stillkickin]

Just wanted to stop in and throw some support your way. I've read your whole thread over the past 24 hours and so much of it hits close to home. You've described the mental aspect of this journey so well. It's a constant chatter back and forth in the mind. I relate so much. I've been going on and off oxy for several years now.

I think you now realize that the short relapse doesn't reset the clock to zero, but it can give you a couple days of thinking it will. I myself just had a bad relapse last Fri/Sat and it has put me on my ass Sun-Today. Still not feeling well but Lyrica is helping to mask some of that. I gotta start reducing down on that tomorrow.

Here's to hoping for a good update from you today!! I truly empathize with your struggle as it's one we currently share at this present moment.

-SK

 

[Fresco]

Just wanted to stop in and throw some support your way. I've read your whole thread over the past 24 hours and so much of it hits close to home. You've described the mental aspect of this journey so well. It's a constant chatter back and forth in the mind. I relate so much. I've been going on and off oxy for several years now.

I think you now realize that the short relapse doesn't reset the clock to zero, but it can give you a couple days of thinking it will. I myself just had a bad relapse last Fri/Sat and it has put me on my ass Sun-Today. Still not feeling well but Lyrica is helping to mask some of that. I gotta start reducing down on that tomorrow.

Here's to hoping for a good update from you today!! I truly empathize with your struggle as it's one we currently share at this present moment.

-SK

Cheers!!

 

[Nakifantaki]

Just wanted to stop in and throw some support your way. I've read your whole thread over the past 24 hours and so much of it hits close to home. You've described the mental aspect of this journey so well. It's a constant chatter back and forth in the mind. I relate so much. I've been going on and off oxy for several years now.

I think you now realize that the short relapse doesn't reset the clock to zero, but it can give you a couple days of thinking it will. I myself just had a bad relapse last Fri/Sat and it has put me on my ass Sun-Today. Still not feeling well but Lyrica is helping to mask some of that. I gotta start reducing down on that tomorrow.

Here's to hoping for a good update from you today!! I truly empathize with your struggle as it's one we currently share at this present moment.

-SK

Thanks SK. It helps to know that we are in this together. Even if it is a faceless friend over the Internet. ? We got this! For at least today - we can do this.

You are right. That tiny relaspe did effect me for a few days. Spent all weekend feeling like crap. I feel a bit better today but PAWS is still kicking my ass. Cravings are hardcore today but I'm at work so I'm trying to keep busy.

You got this SK. One day at a time.. or one hour at a time... even a minute at a time.

 

[herbavore]

You are developing these skills in recovery but really they are life skills. Life can and does throw most of us around--it is very good to know how to live for the moment, in the moment. Just keep rewarding yourself with the thought that this is the mental equivalent of two intense hours at the gym!

 

[stillkickin]

Thanks SK. It helps to know that we are in this together. Even if it is a faceless friend over the Internet.  We got this! For at least today - we can do this.

You are right. That tiny relaspe did effect me for a few days. Spent all weekend feeling like crap. I feel a bit better today but PAWS is still kicking my ass. Cravings are hardcore today but I'm at work so I'm trying to keep busy.

You got this SK. One day at a time.. or one hour at a time... even a minute at a time.

Awesome stuff!! Yeppers, I'm around and we're certainly commiserating together ... I'm having hella cravings today myself. Even unblocked my connect's number. I'm flirting with problems, but I think I'll have it reblocked by end of workday. I'm definitely calling it quits this time around though. Over the past few months I've had my script lowered from 150 oxy 5's to 30 10's a month. I don't even know if I'll get it filled this month. Back in my bad days, I was rocking 300-450 mgs of oxy a day. It was dire and dark times. Spending sooooo much cash. I've probably spent a good 30k on this crap over the past 7 years. ... Geez, sucks writing that, but I'm still employed somehow and even managed to make senior level engineering title through all of it. Too many close calls though. Have to put it to rest for good.

Sorry for the long rant. I ended up typing up a lot more than I anticipated. That happens often in my msges

Have a good one!! Quick shout to Herby for her wise words of wisdom and holler back at ya Fresco!

-SK

 

[Nakifantaki]

You know.. if I could just learn to take my own advice I would be much better off! I fucked up today. I took one single 10mg Percocet pill. Now I sit here in guilt.. and fear of how I will feel tomorrow and the whole next week. It's like I like this mental bullshit... ugh.
I moved a couch today and it was a huge pain in the ass and WAY to heavy for me to be lifting with all the hardware in my back... but I did it anyways like a stubborn asshole and now I'm in pain... and because of that I rationalized in my brain that it would be okay for me to pop a single pill. 4 days ago I was SO set on never using ever again.. and now I find myself here.

Brush myself off and start over again tomorrow right? I just pray that I didn't set myself to far back again...

I gotta get off this shit for good. I just don't know how. Sorry guys.. I wish I had some more uplifting and postive stuff to report. Sadly - I don't. Just another brick in the wall.

 

[Mafioso]

Best advice is don't give up and stay positive. Beating yourself up won't help you, although it may feel "right" in the moment. Stay focused on your long term goal of getting clean and know that one mistake wont stop you unless you allow it to. A lot of people say relapse is part of the process of getting clean. Personally I've gotten off of opiates probably half a dozen times before it really stuck, we are talking matters of years not months or weeks.

Start again tomorrow, don't let one slip ruin your whole path to freedom.

 

[Erikmen]

Naki, out of all the opiate-like substances kratom is the easiest to withdraw from.

It's been a lifesaver for me

I feel that the warm feeling of safety is there, even if it is only Kratom. I totally get your message though, I can relate to that.

In one of my rehabs, I met this great person who couldn't live without MJ. First thing in the morning, last thing in the day for a lot of years more than 16+ years. He wasn't an alcoholic, never used opiates, and the first time he experienced the benefit of benzodiazepines was in this place we were, in incredibly low doses. My point is that every one has a ' weak' spot. And his was weeds.