Sounds like what what my rehab used to say. Bunch of wankers.
I try not to lie to myself anymore. Other people, well, everyone freaks out like it's the apocalypse if you tell them you're using again - so I don't think lying to them is a problem for me. I mean it sucks, and all I want is for people to accept me and my goddamn choices, but that's too much for people I guess. And I'm sure I have a double-standard for that too, but that's because I've never figured out how to fix it. Sometimes I have it, sometimes I don't.
Anyways, I was sober for over a year and a half but left my "rehab" (Cultish BS -IMO) finally because it was obvious the place was full of shit. They always talked about unconditional love, and ego being the source of your problems, etc, etc. What a freak show. I'll be angry at how they warped my brain for the rest of my life. But I'm glad that I at least learned some things about myself...like trying to be someone I'm not is a waste. I'm never going to be able to fully re-invent myself, though I was probably as close as I'll ever get while I was in that cult. But eventually that "rotting shit smell" got too great and I realized where it was coming from and decided to leave, even though I was scared I was going to relapse and die.
Well that's how they always made it seem. But I relapsed and I was fine. And i relapsed again and...I'm still fine. For about a week it got bad because I hung out with a girl I really liked that we used to shoot up together, and so we did speed balls, but I'm still okay. And I don't regret it. I just don't really want to do that again. I do want to get high on occasion though.
So now I just have PST every friday, and that seems to be working pretty well, at least until I can get something to really sustain me from the psychiatrist. I really do need something, because I've never really been a happy person. My life has been quite miserable, and that's no longer okay with me. Sobriety didn't cure that at all. And that's really the reason I got sober in the first place (along with some other things, but obviously that's the most important one to me.)
You seem like you are pretty down man, I think you need to really maybe talk with someone. Maybe a psychologist would help. I never thought they helped, but I don't know. Maybe you need medication like I think I do? What kind I don't know...obviously for me I need something to combat the anxiety, depress, and insomnia. Or at least anxiety/insomnia because that may lessen my depression on it's own. So possibly a benzo.
I feel you on the mom thing though. Which is why I need to keep my mouth shut a little tighter I think. I've told some close friends about me using again but if that ever got back to my mom she'd freak out. She accidentally found out I was drinking by my sister leaving her face book page up. Luckily she hasn't flipped because my sister is trying to chill her out, and because I still have my job, and everything is still going relatively well. I even gave her $500 bucks a week ago just because I thought she could use it, even though I could use it myself.
And my world would crumble if my "adoptive parents" found out. They are the only people who really love me the way I want to be loved, and tell me they are so proud of me, etc. etc. I'd be devastated if they knew I'd done heroin again because I know it would crush them. Sigh. I need to be even more secretive i guess...which sucks, but I need what I need, and I love them. I can't have it both ways. At least not until I get something prescribed that works well enough for me to no longer need drugs to appease this misery.
I'm yammering on, and the PST i made has made me nod out 20x while I've been typing this so let me just say this:
Never lose hope to the point you plan a suicide. EVER. Because unless you've tried EVERYTHING (which you nor anyone else has) you could be killing yourself and hurting your family for a god damn dumb reason. That doesn't mean I don't understand why people do it, because suicidal thinking is a large part of my life. But I mean, I could get on a benzo or the right anti-depressant and I could have a great fulfilling life, or maybe they invent a new drug two years from now that is perfect for my brain chemistry. I mean I don't know. But I just gotta try you know?
I think you should maybe try a psychiatrist. Ask family/friends if they know a good one. Or try to look up some reviews on line, etc. I know the pain you are feeling right now man. You shouldn't have to go through this without help if you need it. By medicines, or just hanging out with your friends and family, or watching comedy movies, or whatever man. Just try to find something that makes you a little happy, then run with it.
Shit, this is some of my lamest advice ever. I'm sorry I can't think well when I keep floating in and out of consciousness.
I hope you find some help. Feel free to hit me up on Aim and we can chat when i can really give you some better advice.